My sister, Steph, gave me some awesome books to be reading this summer. The one I'm currently reading is called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. This author is amazing, and she really hits home to the challenges we all face in day to day life. I love it because it's really helping me to grow with myself, to see my faults that I can work on, and how I can work on them.
She talks a lot about shame, and this week I read the chapter where she discusses critical awareness. She defines critical awareness as "awareness of our own 'never good enough' thoughts." So the question I had to ask myself, the questions we all need to ask ourselves is "When am I telling myself that I am not good enough?" You can play around with the wording, as is fitting to you - but essentially, by our imperfect human nature we always have at least one thing that we want to see improve, and so often it is more than one thing because we are our own worst critic. We see our faults, our failures more than anything. Our faults, failures, and fears all hold us back from the freedom Christ offers us. Therefore, we have to explore that which holds us back from the freedom found Christ. Where do you get caught up?
As I thought about this, as I evaluated my own life I found a big overarching gremlin that really holds me back and encompasses any smaller gremlins - and that is the belief that I am unworthy of all love offered to me. This is false. Absolutely 100% false, yet it is something I have battled with all of my life, especially starting in middle school. For the longest time, I thought I had to be in a relationship to be complete. I just needed a boyfriend, and life would be good.
My sophomore year of high school I finally got that boyfriend I thought I needed to complete me. And I remember having conversation after conversation about me questioning his love for me because I failed to believe I was worthy of love. I had set in my mind that the only reason my family loved me was because they had to - because I was their daughter, granddaughter, sister, etc. I remember time and time again asking my boyfriend why he chose me, why he loved me, why he picked me when there were plenty of others girls out there. I couldn't simply accept the fact that I was loved and worthy of love.
After this guy and I broke up, I turned to Christ for healing - and learned a lot about his love, but continued to doubt, continued to question. I've had multiple other guy friends, one whom I dated briefly and would ask them all the time why they chose me, why they even liked me. I could not accept the fact that I was loved and deserved love simply because I am created in the image and likeness of God, and my worth lies in my identity as his daughter.
I know the biggest way I numb is social media. I so often refuse to accept the love of people right in front of me, so I turn to social media. I check facebook wondering how many notifications I'm going to have. I change my profile picture and pay attention to the number of likes I get, and measure how pretty I feel based on how many likes I get (this isn't an all the time thing, but when I'm really struggling, and my shame gremlin is in charge this is what I do). I even scroll newsfeed liking things because I figure people struggle the same way I do, and I want them to know they're loved too, if they're seeking love through media.
Okay so I have this big ole gremlin on my back, reminding me of my faults, of the lack of ability I have to accept I am loved - I know how I cope, how I hide, how I numb - so what am I going to do about it?
Well, in this book, Brown gives what she calls the Vowel Check - and I love it. Each vowel stands for something different.
A = abstinence: Did I abstain today?
So with this one, whatever it is that you use to numb, in order to stop numbing, you have to stop - whether it's alcohol, smoking, social media, sins of impurity, you have to abstain. You have to stop turning to these things, and the only way to abstain is by giving it up. Granted I still have my facebook, I fear that if I get rid of it I won't hear about all the awesome things happening, so what I should probably do is delete the app off my phone, so I have to get on my computer in order to check it, and that requires more work, so I won't check it as often. Regardless, abstain - give up, sacrifice your numbing tool.
E = Exercise: Did I exercise today? Exercise is so important to ones health and well being. It allows you let off extra steam, it gives you time to process, to think (if that's what you need). It is vital to having a healthy lifestyle.
I = what did I do for myself today? : Something they teach us in nursing school is the importance of self-care. If we're not caring for ourselves, how are we to care for others. I actually wish that every education program addressed this topic to some degree because no matter what your job is, if you are caring for yourself, you will do better at your job. So find some way to care for yourself each day. Maybe do your nails, enjoy a quiet morning with a perfect cup of coffee, read a good book, watch your favorite television show, take a longer run or longer shower than you would. Whatever works for you. This is all about taking care of you.
O = others: What have I done for others today? Our culture promotes this idea of the world revolving around me, myself, and I. When in reality we are a speck of dust on this planet we call earth. I know when I do something outside of myself, it makes me feel like I am serving a purpose, and my life has meaning. So do something for someone else. Whether it's doing the dishes because you know it drives your roommate nuts, or volunteering with the local soup kitchen - find a way to serve those around you, to love them.
U = unexpressed emotions: When we bottle our emotions, when we don't let ourselves feel it becomes a habit. In the book Brown says "When we numb the dark, we numb the light." So essentially, when we're numbing these hard uncomfortable feelings, we also lessen our ability to experience happiness and joy. We can't numb to only certain emotions, all our emotions are affected. So if we're failing to express our emotions, and numbing ourselves instead, we are harming our ability to enjoy life.
Y = Yeah!: Yeah - something good. What is something good that happened today? What are thankful for? This is the part of the vowel check where we practice gratitude. This step is important because it takes time to cultivate a spirit of joy. As Brown says "Joy is not a beginner's virtue; it comes as a culmination. Joy is a light that fills you with faith, hope, and love." So we have to practice, and keep striving to see the good in each day, and most especially on the hard days because that's when it becomes a habit, a healthy habit that leads to wholehearted, authentic living and loving.As I bring this post to a close I want to share one last quote, and I want to encourage each of you to explore your shame gremlin, look at that which holds you back. If you know what's holding you back from fully accepting the love and freedom Christ offers you, you can work towards surrendering that to Him and receiving his love, mercy, and healing.
"It's our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows."
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