Let Go & Let God

When you fail a class, you start to question your value, your worth, your ability to succeed in life. You feel like you'll never amount to anything. You question all the work you've put forth the last 5 years. You cry. You yell. You mope.

I tweeted sometime in the last 2 weeks "maybe if I just keep myself busy enough I won't have to deal with my feelings" I've been feeling quite angsty and emotional with failing my class. I felt like a disappoint to my parents. I felt undeserving of love. My brokenness consumed me, the reality of my brokenness consumed me.

I tried all my fix methods. Go for a run. Pray, write angry letters to God. Sleep in, stay up late. Write. Talk it out. Put on a face to people who ask me how I am. Surround myself with people all the time so I don't have to be alone with my thoughts. Read. Paint. Social media numbing... Literally everything that usually makes me feel better I tried... none of it work. I knew I needed to go be in nature - alone with my thoughts, and with my God.

So with my Saturday I got up at 630 and by 710 headed for Old Man's Cave in Hocking Hills. It was just what the doctor ordered. I stepped onto the trail and for the first time since October probably I felt alive. I could breathe again. I hadn't even begun to process what the Lord and I were going to work through, but I was free, free to converse honestly with my Father.

Friday night I was starting to convince myself that I was going to transfer to OSU and change my major to English with a minor in journalism. I was going to become an editor, and write a book. That's important to note for what comes next.

As I began walking I was taking in the beauty around me. I love... LOVE waterfalls, and the sound of water. It's peaceful, powerful, and relaxing all at the same time for me. But soon my path carried me into a steady path where I began to think, and to pray, to tell God what was really going on in this wounded heart of mine (not that He didn't know, but I was holding onto it and needed to surrender it to Him before I would ever come out of this funk).

I'm not okay, and I'm not okay that I'm not okay. I'm not okay with the fact that I failed a class. I'm not okay with the fact that I'll have another semester of school, when I'm already a year behind what I should have been. I'm not okay that my family's not Catholic and don't know God's love and I want to make them know Jesus. I'm not okay with the fact that I'm not in a relationship. I'm not okay that I struggle with a sexual sin and it's a battle everyday for me. I'm not okay that I had to back down from something I had once said yes to. I'm not in control and I'm not okay with the fact that I'm not in control of my life. 

Cedar Falls Hocking Hills 

But it's okay - it's okay that you're not okay because you are bringing it before the Lord. He blesses our vulnerability. Look around you - God made this palace, and He made it so beautiful. He also made you, and because He made you, He loves you and you have value and worth. He cares for the birds and the bees, how much more must He care for you, His beloved daughter?!

That's a little sample of how my prayer went yesterday. I've always known that I have a desperate need to be in control of every situation. My plan to transfer schools and change my major was most likely a way I was trying to control a situation that I actually have no control over. We like to do Texas Two Step dance nights here and multiple guys have commented on my need to let them lead when we dance... I'm not so good at trusting other people to lead me. I'm not so good at trusting God has a plan for my life.

I read a reflection once on Mary's fiat "be it done unto me according to thy word". In her yes, she is saying "I don't know what all of this means, but I choose to say yes to you God. And then she continues to wait in hope, with expectant faith. Whereas I, and I'm sure many others, say okay God, I surrender all to you, I give you my life. And we wait, or so we think, but actually we're wishing for concrete, specific things to happen. We don't wait with expectant faith and hope but we wish for the Lord to work in the way we plan out for our lives. However, we said yes to the Lord in a moment and He blesses that guess and works with us.

A prominent theme this advent, for me, has been that so long as we are on earth there will be barriers that keep us from fully knowing the Lord, but the Lord wants to overcome those barriers. With that thought coming in the first week of Advent I decided I would pray a rosary every day in Advent for the intention of the Lord purifying my heart. I knew I had barriers that needed to be overcome, but I didn't know what they were. I made this commitment to the Lord in faith. I had no idea what it meant, or what it was going to look like, but I am confident the Lord has taken this leap of faith and vulnerability and ran with it. I know He has been purifying my love: my love for others, and purifying my desire for my future vocation, for the love that will some day be exchanged between my husband and I. I am confidant He is moving in ways to prepare for this vocation I so deeply desire. And I think He took my prayer and brought to light the biggest barrier, holding me back from loving Him freely - my desperate need for control.

And so maybe you're in the same spot I am, or maybe you know someone like me. I feel like I've rambled a bit here, but I also know I wanted to share this experience. The Lord, in His goodness, helps us overcome barriers in our lives, to be able to love Him and serve Him freely.

I want to leave you with thoughts I'd written down after this realization.

"Be still and know I am God" Ps 46:10

The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still. Exodus 14:14

Let go & let God

Just be. Don't do, just be.

The journey of a hike in an unknown area is a lot like the journey of our live. There are fallen tress and rocks to climb over. The path is bumpy in some parts and smooth in others. And there are lots of little surprises along the way, where Jesus lets us know He is with us.

Psalm 145

GO! GO! GO!

I'm training for a half marathon. I'm crazy, I know, this has been established. Actually, I really enjoy running. However, I tend to be injury prone. Sprained ankles, stress fractures, and the like. We were supposed to run 6 miles today...I didn't finish my 6 miles. This was really hard for me. I was running, chugging along at my own little pace, and pain started shooting through my leg. I tried to push through, but couldn't, I knew I was injured. 


So - I had a 2 mile walk back to my car...and I had to walk slow. Thus I took time to contemplate.(I was actually really annoyed at first because it was just another thing to add to the list of bad things happening)


The trail we run is alongside a river. I began to contemplate this and came to the realization that God's grace is like the river, it's slow, steady constant. When there's a disruption (sin, distraction) the river flows differently, and seemingly faster. I applied this to God's grace -when we are struggling God's grace is poured out more fervently. 


This struck me in a profound way because the past two days have been filled with suffering for me, and I was beginning to feel frustrated and overwhelmed. Then I realized - God is with me, in this moment, in this trial His grace is being poured in great abundance unto my soul, and he is strengthening me.


 After realizing this, it started snowing. This was a wet, cold snow. It caused my sweatshirt to be damp. But I ended up looking at the snow as God's grace. The snow was a literal, physical, tangible (metaphorically) representation of God's grace. 
In the time of suffering I was gifted today, I was able to grow by contemplating God's grace. If I hadn't been forced to stop, I never would have taken the time to think about God's grace in my life. 


As a college student my life is a constant go, go, go. Work. Class. Homework. Meeting. Social event. Coffee date. Home. Prayer. Mass. go. go. go. There's little time to stop. There's little time to contemplate. It's easy to overlook the little blessings in day to day life. 


As I reflected on my time being forced to stop and slow down, I am thankful.
In addition, I realized how we need to stop more in our lives. Life is filled with little blessings. Will we keep overlooking them or will we stop to notice the way God's grace is a constant presence in our life? Will we stop so we can find the grace to remain joyful?


God speaks to us in the silence of our hearts. May seek quiet moments in our lives, so we may contemplate God's grace. 


Whenever anything disagreeable or displeasing happens to you remember Christ crucified and be silent. 
-St. John of the Cross


What we need most in order to make progress is to be silent before this great God with our appetite and with our tongue, for the language he best hears is silent love. 
-St John of the Cross

“We need to find God, and he cannot be found in noise and restlessness. God is the friend of silence. See how nature - trees, flowers, grass- grows in silence; see the stars, the moon and the sun, how they move in silence... We need silence to be able to touch souls.”

-Mother Teresa