Monday afternoon I sobbed for three hours - aching because I failed a class. It meant I was pushed back another semester. I'd already been pushed back a whole year, now another semester. It meant I failed. It meant I didn't perform well enough. It meant I wasn't good enough. It meant my brokenness was showing.
I ran to the chapel, I ran to Jesus. I yelled at Jesus. Why did you let this happen? What lesson could I learn from this? I was mad, but I ran to Him. I knew He would console me. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows the desires of my heart(Ps 34). He knows the plans he has for me(Jer 29:11).
Tuesday I wallowed, and I studied, and I wallowed. I didn't put on a face. I didn't try to be cheerful. I was terrified. Wednesday morning's exam determined my entire future. If I failed that exam, and in turn also failed that class I would no longer be a nursing student. My whole life, especially the last 5 years has all been working towards the goal of being a nurse. I found what I wanted to do in nursing this year. I found my life's purpose. If I failed, all that work would be worthless. I don't know what I would've done with my life. I tried not to dwell on that. I frequently turned to Jesus. I read a reflection that reminded me I can take comfort in the fact that I have a committed relationship with Jesus Christ, that my worth and my value rest in Him.
Wednesday, I showed up. I did my best. I had a panic attack. My best was enough. I passed the exam, I passed the class. Wednesday I cried tears of joy. Nothing else mattered. I get to continue on my path to be a nurse. Finals were over that day. We drank, we ate pizza, we watched TV - we celebrated.
Friday, today, I met with the professor for the class I failed. I barely failed, mind you. There was hope of finding an error somewhere. But there was no error, no miracle moment. There were frustrations. Most of the questions I missed, I almost picked the right answer - I knew the right answer, but I questioned. That was frustrating. But my professor was wonderful. She was encouraging. She was supportive. I can do this. I have it in me, but there are some efforts to be made. I met with my adviser this week too and she was nothing but encouraging. It's another hurdle for me to jump over, another hole to jump through, but we know I'll come out of it.
So why am I sharing all of this? Maybe it's because I'm an external processor, but more so it's because I have learned a few things.
I've learned I'm broken. I've said a multitude of times lately that I've learned more about myself this semester than I have in my entire life, and this continues to ring true as time goes on. I've learned my anxiety issue is worse than I make it out to be. I've learned there's an issue here that needs work, but I am willing to do anything to overcome this hurdle.
I've learned I'm loved. If there is one thing I've taken away from the past week it is that I am loved and that my hard work does not go unnoticed. Sometimes it feels that I am unloved. Sometimes it feels like I'm unwanted. I often believe the lie that I am not enough, that I'm not going to succeed, that my dreams will never come true. These lies obviously plagued me with failing. But the Lord is good, He is ever faithful.When I learned I failed, I was not alone. I was surrounded by people who loved me. I was able to run to Jesus. I had friends love me so well. A friend brought me a card with wine, chocolate, nail polish, and feel good movies. She spent the evening with me so I wouldn't have to be alone. I received hugs. I received encouragement. Friends reminded me my worth rests in Christ alone. Friends encouraged me as I prepared for my coming exams, as I lost all motivation. They checked in on me, asked me how I was doing. I did not, for one second, doubt that I was loved. I began to believe in myself again. By God's grace, I picked up the pieces and we're moving forward. Decisions have been made for changes to happen.
I've learned more of the Lord's faithfulness. Even in the chaos of this week, a girl came to look at my house, to sublease from me so I could move into a more suited living situation - and she said yes. I needed that yes this week. I've spent the last hour packing my room because I'm moving Sunday.
Lastly, as it is Advent, I am reminded that the Lord is preparing me for something greater than this world, than this life. I am reminded that despite all circumstances, there is hope, because there is a God who loves us enough to die for us. I may be broken, my brokenness may have become very real to me, but I will hold onto hope and allow my heart to be healed and renewed in the love and mercy of Christ.
The Lord takes our brokenness and works with it. He takes us as we are and uses us as instruments of His love. I just want to leave with this quote I found the other day, before all this happened. It spoke to me then, and continues to console my heart. Jesus gets more of my heart now because of this experience.
Broken things are precious. We eat broken bread because we share in the death of our Lord and his broken life. Broken flowers give perfume. Broken incense is used in adoration. A broken ship saved Paul and many other passengers on the way to Rome. Sometimes the only way the good Lord can get into some hearts is to break them. – Fulton Sheen
Showing posts with label choices. Show all posts
Showing posts with label choices. Show all posts
Friday, December 12, 2014
Wednesday, October 22, 2014
Comparison: Problematic or Avenue of Grace?
I had a simulation lab for school today. With these it's a learning technique - we play role of nurses more or less independently, with a mannequin who is having a complication. Today was for my pediatrics class and I had one earlier in my semester for my ob class. These are great learning opportunities from a nursing perspective, but I took more than increased nursing knowledge away from this experience.
Today as we were going through the lab I was subconsciously comparing the whole situation to my experience with my OB rotation. Recently, I have been reflecting a lot on this struggle I have with comparing myself to people around me. This situation lead to a realization that as human beings I think we have a tendency to compare ourselves to others. I was comparing to different situations and scenarios today, granted they were put on by two different professors, but both professors had an overall similar goal - for it to be a learning experience. But in my opinion, one group did better than the other. Anyway - I compared the two experiences, subconsciously throughout the entire time - even the prep work was compared. I'd say I even went into today with a slightly negative attitude because of my last experience with simulation lab.
I fall a lot into the game of comparison. It's a constant daily battle. I want everyone to like me, to love I think I fall short. Granted, I am imperfect, and undeserving of all the love God offers, but by his grace, by the blood of the cross I am made worthy, I am healed, I am redeemed, I have dignity and find my identity as his daughter. Which is why the whole comparison and seeing my short comings in such a negative light is problematic.
me... I am a people pleaser. I want to make sure everyone feels included and knows they're loved. I am hyper aware of my surroundings. I always know what's going on. And sometimes being hyper-aware is helpful, and other times not so much. When it comes to comparing myself to others it's often the latter- not so helpful. It's easy for me to compare myself to the appearance of other women and think 'I wish I was that skinny' or 'I wish my hair looked like hers' or 'I love her outfit, man I look like crap today...' etc. The list could go on forever. It's all negative. I look at others and compare myself and see only where
I think I will always compare myself to others and varying situations to each other because that's a way we learn. What matters is what we do with the comparison, our reaction to the differences. In my nursing situation it was good because it was two different situations that provided me with the opportunity to offer my professor better feedback. I didn't just dwell in the suckiness of it - I found a resolution and an action to take!
Comparison becomes a problem when we dwell in the negativity. When we listen to the accusatory lies of satan - saying we're not good enough, we're not loved enough, we need those shoes or that coat or a significant other to be complete. It becomes problematic when we believe the lie that Jesus is not
enough. When comparison causes these things then the quote "comparison is the thief of joy" stands true because we spend more time dwelling in the negative and lies than in the truth and love and light of Christ.
As I've been growing and exploring these areas I've learned three key points:
Today as we were going through the lab I was subconsciously comparing the whole situation to my experience with my OB rotation. Recently, I have been reflecting a lot on this struggle I have with comparing myself to people around me. This situation lead to a realization that as human beings I think we have a tendency to compare ourselves to others. I was comparing to different situations and scenarios today, granted they were put on by two different professors, but both professors had an overall similar goal - for it to be a learning experience. But in my opinion, one group did better than the other. Anyway - I compared the two experiences, subconsciously throughout the entire time - even the prep work was compared. I'd say I even went into today with a slightly negative attitude because of my last experience with simulation lab.
I fall a lot into the game of comparison. It's a constant daily battle. I want everyone to like me, to love I think I fall short. Granted, I am imperfect, and undeserving of all the love God offers, but by his grace, by the blood of the cross I am made worthy, I am healed, I am redeemed, I have dignity and find my identity as his daughter. Which is why the whole comparison and seeing my short comings in such a negative light is problematic.me... I am a people pleaser. I want to make sure everyone feels included and knows they're loved. I am hyper aware of my surroundings. I always know what's going on. And sometimes being hyper-aware is helpful, and other times not so much. When it comes to comparing myself to others it's often the latter- not so helpful. It's easy for me to compare myself to the appearance of other women and think 'I wish I was that skinny' or 'I wish my hair looked like hers' or 'I love her outfit, man I look like crap today...' etc. The list could go on forever. It's all negative. I look at others and compare myself and see only where
I think I will always compare myself to others and varying situations to each other because that's a way we learn. What matters is what we do with the comparison, our reaction to the differences. In my nursing situation it was good because it was two different situations that provided me with the opportunity to offer my professor better feedback. I didn't just dwell in the suckiness of it - I found a resolution and an action to take!Comparison becomes a problem when we dwell in the negativity. When we listen to the accusatory lies of satan - saying we're not good enough, we're not loved enough, we need those shoes or that coat or a significant other to be complete. It becomes problematic when we believe the lie that Jesus is not
enough. When comparison causes these things then the quote "comparison is the thief of joy" stands true because we spend more time dwelling in the negative and lies than in the truth and love and light of Christ.
As I've been growing and exploring these areas I've learned three key points:
- It's a learning experience
- Be patient with yourself
- Change takes time.
Monday, April 9, 2012
So Much Noise
Driving back to school after a break filled with lots of food and sleep, I had the windows rolled down and the radio blasting, naturally. There was a lot of noise. Noise from the semi's. Noise from the wind. Noise from the radio being turned up super loud. 'By Your Side' by Tenth Avenue North was playing, one of my favorite songs, and in the song when it goes: .
As the words "I love you" are practically being shouted out over all the noise (like I said my radio was turned up), I realized how often God, our Father in heaven, who loves us so much is constantly trying to shout over all the noise in our lives I love you
The past couple weeks, I've been in a dry spell in my prayer. Whenever this happens, it causes me to question my faith, and makes living my life so much more challenging. I often feel as if the Lord is saying to me: "I love you, is that not enough?"
We allow noise to distract. Everything in life is a choice and sometimes we make poor choices, for example: instead of praying, I'm going to go watch this movie, that will influence me to sin because it's filled with sex, alcohol, and partying. I'm not saying all movies are bad. I'm not saying watching movies is a bad activity. There are very good movies out there. What I'm getting at is the when there are times when we know we need to pray, but that takes effort because prayer hasn't been fruitful, and living a Christian life hasn't been easy - and then, in the struggle we choose the easier option, to lay and watch a movie until we fall asleep, ignoring our struggle & our pain, when maybe we should be talking to God and trying to sort out the problem.
So what am I even getting at here? Well, I suppose it's that we need less noise. We are so busy, and there is much noise. I look at my life and every night of the week I typically have something, of some form going whether it's a meeting, work, homework or dinner with a friend - my life is in a constant 'go' state. There is a lot of noise - especially when I need times of silence, I typically fill it with noise. Like my 20 minute drive to work - this could easily be time used for praying a rosary, but I typically fill the silence with music blasting away trying to forget my stresses of school.
Therefore, I encourage you, my dear friends to embrace silence, to take advantage of opportunities to be silent. I desire for all of us to be living for the Kingdom of God, loving each person exactly where they are at for who they are (that will be continued in another post). I want all of us to know the love of God, and to be able to live in peace & love.
"Pray, hope, and don't worry" -Padre Pio
God bless!
Cause I, I love you
I want you to know
That I, I love you
I'll never let you go
As the words "I love you" are practically being shouted out over all the noise (like I said my radio was turned up), I realized how often God, our Father in heaven, who loves us so much is constantly trying to shout over all the noise in our lives I love you
The past couple weeks, I've been in a dry spell in my prayer. Whenever this happens, it causes me to question my faith, and makes living my life so much more challenging. I often feel as if the Lord is saying to me: "I love you, is that not enough?"
We allow noise to distract. Everything in life is a choice and sometimes we make poor choices, for example: instead of praying, I'm going to go watch this movie, that will influence me to sin because it's filled with sex, alcohol, and partying. I'm not saying all movies are bad. I'm not saying watching movies is a bad activity. There are very good movies out there. What I'm getting at is the when there are times when we know we need to pray, but that takes effort because prayer hasn't been fruitful, and living a Christian life hasn't been easy - and then, in the struggle we choose the easier option, to lay and watch a movie until we fall asleep, ignoring our struggle & our pain, when maybe we should be talking to God and trying to sort out the problem.
So what am I even getting at here? Well, I suppose it's that we need less noise. We are so busy, and there is much noise. I look at my life and every night of the week I typically have something, of some form going whether it's a meeting, work, homework or dinner with a friend - my life is in a constant 'go' state. There is a lot of noise - especially when I need times of silence, I typically fill it with noise. Like my 20 minute drive to work - this could easily be time used for praying a rosary, but I typically fill the silence with music blasting away trying to forget my stresses of school.
Therefore, I encourage you, my dear friends to embrace silence, to take advantage of opportunities to be silent. I desire for all of us to be living for the Kingdom of God, loving each person exactly where they are at for who they are (that will be continued in another post). I want all of us to know the love of God, and to be able to live in peace & love.
"Pray, hope, and don't worry" -Padre Pio
God bless!
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