Total Abandonment

St. Paul's Outreach is the organization I'm really involved in on campus, and we had our annual retreat aka Fan into Flame (2 Tim 1:6). It was my fifth one, but every year I come out of it having experienced the Lord in a new way. My first year it was healing. Another year it was hmm perseverance. Another year it was increased desire for the Eucharist. This year the phrase to sum it all up would be total abandonment.

I have seen a transition in myself recently - a transition in the desires of my heart, a purification in my love (which makes sense since I did pray a rosary every day of advent for the Lord to purify my heart...) the Lord hears and answers all our prayers. The semester I've been given two opportunities to be a leader (really to be an instrument of the Lord). You see, I always used to think that being a leader meant you had the power to change people's lives - which is true, to an extent. A leader does have the power to change lives, but it's not a power they possess themselves, it is rather a power of the Holy Spirit dwelling within them. I think back on the last two years and I think about how often I wanted the glory. I wanted people to come up to me say "Thank you, your story, your talk, your blog, etc changed my life" I wanted my works to be what caused people to encounter the Lord. I wanted to be honored, to be praised, to be extolled, to be exalted. I wanted to be looked up to.

There's a new stirring in my heart - I don't want the glory anymore. I gave a talk a few weeks ago on
a woman's retreat - and leading up to the retreat I was praying to be the Lord's instrument, to be his hands, his feet, his mouthpiece. I didn't care if people came up to me afterwards to tell me I did a good job. I wanted people to encounter the Lord because He spoke to their hearts. I lead a small group on the retreat this weekend - and I wanted these women to encounter the Lord, to know His love for them, to declare Jesus as Lord of their lives.. that's not where I was two years ago.

So as this has been a theme in my prayer lately - I really took this into my retreat this weekend. As a student nurse (and some day registered nurse) I have a unique opportunity to be the hands and feet of Jesus to my patients. I want to change their lives, and impact their hospital stay by being a gentle, kind, caring nurse - but I recognize I can not do this on my own accord. I need the Lord to be on the throne of my heart.

A lot happened in my heart over the weekend. On this retreat we have a unique opportunity to pray with our small groups, to declare Jesus as Lord of our lives and to ask the Holy Spirit to come into our hearts and transform our lives. As a small group leader, I didn't go in with the mindset to get prayed over, but I knew what to ask for if I got the opportunity. I had a really small small group (it was really nice!) and so I did have an opportunity to be prayed with. And the my greatest desire was a fuller surrender - total abandonment unto the Lord. Whatever He wants for my life, that's what I want.

check out this reflection

When it comes to surrendering to the Lord, there is 0 risk and total gain. He desires to fill us and will
never leave us empty. He never stops thirsting for us. I walked away from the weekend knowing I gave the Lord all I could, and knowing that he had filled me. It wasn't an emotional weekend, which is not my normal experience of retreats - but this year all of the retreats I've been on have had a very solemn and sincere surrender, and choice to continue to choose the Lord, and to lay my life down for him.

Our purpose in this life is to love and be loved. Our ultimate vocation is love. I pray that as I seek to totally abandon myself to the Lord, that you may join me. Empty me of myself, O Lord, so that I may be filled with you.

Litany of Humility 

O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being loved,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being honored,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being praised,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being approved,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being despised,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected,  Deliver me, O Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I,  Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I,  Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease,Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I go unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. 

Comparison: Problematic or Avenue of Grace?

I had a simulation lab for school today. With these it's a learning technique - we play role of nurses more or less independently, with a mannequin who is having a complication. Today was for my pediatrics class and I had one earlier in my semester for my ob class. These are great learning opportunities from a nursing perspective, but I took more than increased nursing knowledge away from this experience.

Today as we were going through the lab I was subconsciously comparing the whole situation to my experience with my OB rotation. Recently, I have been reflecting a lot on this struggle I have with comparing myself to people around me. This situation lead to a realization that as human beings I think we have a tendency to compare ourselves to others. I was comparing to different situations and scenarios today, granted they were put on by two different professors, but both professors had an overall similar goal - for it to be a learning experience. But in my opinion, one group did better than the other. Anyway - I compared the two experiences, subconsciously throughout the entire time - even the prep work was compared. I'd say I even went into today with a slightly negative attitude because of my last experience with simulation lab.

I fall a lot into the game of comparison. It's a constant daily battle. I want everyone to like me, to love I think I fall short. Granted, I am imperfect, and undeserving of all the love God offers, but by his grace, by the blood of the cross I am made worthy, I am healed, I am redeemed, I have dignity and find my identity as his daughter. Which is why the whole comparison and seeing my short comings in such a negative light is problematic.
me... I am a people pleaser. I want to make sure everyone feels included and knows they're loved. I am hyper aware of my surroundings. I always know what's going on. And sometimes being hyper-aware is helpful, and other times not so much. When it comes to comparing myself to others it's often the latter- not so helpful. It's easy for me to compare myself to the appearance of other women and think 'I wish I was that skinny' or 'I wish my hair looked like hers' or 'I love her outfit, man I look like crap today...' etc. The list could go on forever. It's all negative. I look at others and compare myself and see only where

I think I will always compare myself to others and varying situations to each other because that's a way we learn. What matters is what we do with the comparison, our reaction to the differences. In my nursing situation it was good because it was two different situations that provided me with the opportunity to offer my professor better feedback. I didn't just dwell in the suckiness of it - I found a resolution and an action to take!

Comparison becomes a problem when we dwell in the negativity. When we listen to the accusatory lies of satan - saying we're not good enough, we're not loved enough, we need those shoes or that coat or a significant other to be complete. It becomes problematic when we believe the lie that Jesus is not
enough. When comparison causes these things then the quote "comparison is the thief of joy" stands true because we spend more time dwelling in the negative and lies than in the truth and love and light of Christ.

As I've been growing and exploring these areas I've learned three key points:

1. It's a learning experience
   
2. Be patient with yourself
3. Change takes time.

Make the Ugly Beautiful

I went to Adoration tonight and the image of flowers at the bottom of the alter, holding Jesus struck me. You see, I've been struggling to lay down some of my burdens and allow Christ to take control. So I wanted to share this with you all. The good Lord takes all things and makes them beautiful, no matter how ugly or awful it may seem, there will be good that comes of it, for our God is a God of mercy and love.



Father, may we trust forever in your perfect plan and find hope in your love and mercy.

Monday Memo

"When tempted to despair, I have only one resource: to throw myself at the foot of the tabernacle."
-St. John Vianney

May we always throw ourselves at the feet of Jesus, that he may be our strength and source of life!
God bless!

One Little Bit at a Time

Please read John 12:1-11 and Mark 14:1-15:47 before continuing in reading this post.

In my prayer this morning, after hearing these two Gospel readings over the past two days I found myself asking a few questions. Will we be greedy, as Judas was? Will we deny Jesus as Peter did? Are we really willing to lay down our lives for Christ?

My honest answers: I have been greedy as Judas was. I have denied Jesus as Peter did. Am I ready to lay down my life? far from it; however, I'm going to do all I can to lay it down anyway.

I have set Jesus aside in order to be part of a group, in order to fit, in order to fulfill an expectation. I've allowed things of this world to consume me. I've set aside that which keeps me alive, in order to be liked and wanted.

Living our faith in this world is challenging, especially in college. It's a daily fight to choose to live for Christ. It's a daily challenge to get up a little early to be able to have time to pray, to start the day with Christ. It takes a conscious effort to pray, especially when we don't feel like it. I could take a nap instead, or I could have slept in this morning. Instead I got up at 5:30 to pray with my sisters, to start my day and my week with Christ. I came back to have personal prayer time, when I could have just gone back to bed. But I made the effort to seek to deepen my relationship with Christ.

There have been days where I didn't get up to pray. There have been days where I went back to bed. There have been days where I rejected God. It's easy to do. The hard part is giving our lives to Christ, one little bit at a time. Luckily, we have a gracious, patient, generous, merciful God.

Brothers and sisters, I know how challenging living our faith out can be. I'm there right now. The past two weeks, remaining faithful has been a challenge for me. My prayer has been almost non-existent, my relationship with God dwindled, and was set aside...for ? well I don't know what -- I suppose the busy-ness of the world, of life.
Last week, a friend of mine gave a talk on the crucifixion. I took something from that talk that I wish to share with you now --
                 
Jesus filled the void between man and God; therefore, rejoice in the crucifixion. There was a void, an emptiness between man and God and Jesus came to fill that void. Jesus came to save, not to condemn. Because of this, we should rejoice in the crucifixion. 


To adore God is to acknowledge, in respect and absolute submission, the "nothingness of the creature" who would not exist but for God. To adore God is to praise and exalt him and to humble oneself, as Mary did in the Magnificat, confessing with gratitude that he has done great things and holy is his name.¹⁴ The worship of the one God sets man free from turning in on himself, from the slavery of sin and the idolatry of the world. CCC#2097


As I said, it is challenging to live counter-cultural, to live a consecrated life (to be consecrated means to be set apart); therefore, we should rejoice in the death of Jesus and find strength and hope in that God sent his only Son in order to be able to draw us to himself.

I want to leave you with this quote:
Whenever anything disagreeable or displeasing happens to you remember Christ crucified and be silent. 


-St. John of the Cross

Dare to Be...Radical Christians

Yesterday I posted something from Natalie Grant, an artist whom I love. Her music is beautiful, and you should definitely listen to her! But she's doing something for women, daring them to reach their highest goals. Encouraging women to strive for success. Well, I really like this idea. It's a fantastic idea. However, I want to take the idea and apply it to being a radical christian. Each day(I'm going to shoot for each day, but I'm a nursing student with a job and friends...)....Each day I'm going to post Dare to Be...Courageous or Love or Joyful or Patient...and use virtues that make us radical Christians. Because I want us to be radical. I want us to be different. I want us to be set apart from this world. I want to spread the love of Christ wherever I go, whatever I do, and I want to bring others with me. So I encourage you to join me in this journey and post what you dare to be too and join me in this journey!

Today I dare to be Joyful. Fr. Barron says the most effective way of evangelization is joy(http://www.ucatholic.com/apologetics/effective-evangelization/). It is joy that is contagious. Those who don't know Christ, those who are still searching, see the joy a person filled with the Holy Spirit and desire to experience this joy. So today, I dare to be joyful, no matter what may seem to go wrong.

Breathe

This past week I've lost count of how many people have said this has been the week from hell for them. Whether it's failing an exam, having more exams than you know how to study for, having a car getting broken into, a sprained ankle, headaches, sickness, etc. it has been a rough week. And really, in Ohio it seems have been a rough couple weeks between tornadoes and high school shootings, and I'm probably forgetting a few things - life has not been easy.

But, is this really new? Does it not often seem like times are hard?

This week was rough for me because it was busy. I had extra 'stuff' going on in my week that I don't normally have. I have a sprained ankle, am training for a half marathon, and can't run (running is just one of my stress relievers). I have an exam next Friday in O-chem that I basically have to get an 80, which is stressful, I've never had to think about what I get on an exam.. I did not understand my O-chem homework last night, I was to the point of tears I was so frustrated with it. Then I went to One Gospel, an event in Columbus where college students gather together, hear a talk, and praise God. It forced me to stop in the busyness of my week and focus on God. I had been so busy my prayer life got put on the side burner. Normally, I take about 30 minutes and spend time in prayer, but I didn't take that time. There were times when I could have, but chose not to, especially since my normal time was disrupted by various activities or distractions.

Today was a good day. I was still filled with joy from last night, where my brothers and sisters placed so much laughter and joy in my life, they lifted me up in a way they probably didn't realize. However, when I had to sit down and finish my o-chem homework I was like man, I'm not going to get the percentage I need on this to get all 10 points, and every point counts in this class, and I don't know why I'm even bothering because I'm just going to get stuck. Well, I started in, and the first problem stumped me. I was like okay - I need to get out of this attitude because doing it will help me because it is practice and will help me for the exam, even if I don't do well now, it will help me in the long run. So I continued on. The last two problems actually went well. I got both of them right on the first time, and ended up getting me to the points I needed to get full credit for the assignment. Sweet.

So I'm sitting here thinking to myself, wow that was sweet. If we just stop for a second, take a breath and trust that Jesus will take care of it, things will come together.

This week may have been 'the week from hell' but if we remember to take a deep breath and renew our trust in the Lord, all things will come together and his will shall be done. 


I can also apply this to my running adventure on Sunday when my ankle became inflamed, I was given a chance to contemplate the grace of God, specifically with the metaphor of a river, and last night we sang a song called The River Flows. The lyrics are below. It explains it all : )

Basically, if you feel like your in a week or even a day or maybe a month 'from hell' stop, turn yourself towards God and trust in His love and mercy!
God bless!

From the throne of God and from the Lamb the river flows.
Life redeeming, ever healing, age to age it goes.
No more sun, the Holy One – our light that ever shines.
Crystal clear, the river here, will swell our hearts to join the cry!

Awake, O sleeper, rise to life, and Christ will give you light!
Lift your head – behold the river.
He mounts his throne to shouts of praise; be opened heaven's gates.
Enter in, O King of Glory!

"Come!" the Spirit calls, and with the bride the Spirit cries:
"Souls that thirst can drink their fill of water without price.
Blest are those who wash their robes to gain the tree of life.
Face to face with endless grace, lift up your hearts to hear the cry!"

Awake, O sleeper, rise to life, and Christ will give you light!
Lift your head – behold the river.
He mounts his throne to shouts of praise; be opened heaven's gates.
Enter in, O King of Glory!

O King of Glory!

Joy Joy Joy Joy Down in my Heart

Joy. That is what this world lacks. We need joy in our days. 


How can we be joyful when:

• there's tornadoes
• car accidents
• school shootings
• exams
• sickness
• death
• ingratitude
• ungratefulness
• rush
• impatience
• hate
• rejection
• misunderstanding
• headaches
• feelings worthless
• lack of motivation
• lust
• sin
• and more...

I tell you my brother's and sisters, joy comes from Jesus. 
It seems every saint I read about was known for being joyful. St. John of the Cross was a man who loved humor, and loved making people laugh. He was greatly welcomed by those who knew him. He was misunderstood, rejected, imprisoned, and suffered greatly in his life; however, he remained joyful. In St. Therese's little way, she knew the love of Jesus, and she knew suffering, yet she remained joyful. 
Mother Teresa was known for being joyful in her time on this earth. Every time you smile at someone, it is an action of love, a gift to that person, a beautiful thing." (Mother Teresa). Cardinal Dolan, who was just made a Cardinal was recently made a Cardinal is known for his joy. Both Bl. Pope John Paul II and our current Pope Benedict XVI are men of joy. These are just a few examples. 

Practicals: Being Joyful Amidst Trial - 

• prayer
• surrender to the Lord
• Christian community
• Giving thanks
• Counting your blessings

I've hit the point of realizing we need to be joyful, but how can I be joyful all the time, or even half of the time?

Reading One Thousand Blessings, I've learned that by counting my blessings, and being thankful for the food on the table, a roof over my head, a family who loves me, the opportunity to get an education, opportunity to serve people, a job - in seeing each of these as a gift from God I rejoice, for the Lord has abundantly blessed me. 

"Rejoice in hope, endure in affliction, persevere in prayer" -Romans 12:12