Broken, Healed, Renewed

Monday afternoon I sobbed for three hours - aching because I failed a class. It meant I was pushed back another semester. I'd already been pushed back a whole year, now another semester. It meant I failed. It meant I didn't perform well enough. It meant I wasn't good enough. It meant my brokenness was showing.
I ran to the chapel, I ran to Jesus. I yelled at Jesus. Why did you let this happen? What lesson could I learn from this? I was mad, but I ran to Him. I knew He would console me. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows the desires of my heart(Ps 34). He knows the plans he has for me(Jer 29:11).
Tuesday I wallowed, and I studied, and I wallowed. I didn't put on a face. I didn't try to be cheerful. I was terrified. Wednesday morning's exam determined my entire future. If I failed that exam, and in turn also failed that class I would no longer be a nursing student.  My whole life, especially the last 5 years has all been working towards the goal of being a nurse. I found what I wanted to do in nursing this year. I found my life's purpose. If I failed, all that work would be worthless. I don't know what I would've done with my life. I tried not to dwell on that. I frequently turned to Jesus. I read a reflection that reminded me I can take comfort in the fact that I have a committed relationship with Jesus Christ, that my worth and my value rest in Him.
Wednesday, I showed up. I did my best. I had a panic attack. My best was enough. I passed the exam, I passed the class. Wednesday I cried tears of joy. Nothing else mattered. I get to continue on my path to be a nurse. Finals were over that day. We drank, we ate pizza, we watched TV - we celebrated.
Friday, today, I met with the professor for the class I failed. I barely failed, mind you. There was hope of finding an error somewhere. But there was no error, no miracle moment. There were frustrations. Most of the questions I missed, I almost picked the right answer - I knew the right answer, but I questioned. That was frustrating. But my professor was wonderful. She was encouraging. She was supportive. I can do this. I have it in me, but there are some efforts to be made. I met with my adviser this week too and she was nothing but encouraging. It's another hurdle for me to jump over, another hole to jump through, but we know I'll come out of it.

So why am I sharing all of this? Maybe it's because I'm an external processor, but more so it's because I have learned a few things.

I've learned I'm broken. I've said a multitude of times lately that I've learned more about myself this semester than I have in my entire life, and this continues to ring true as time goes on. I've learned my anxiety issue is worse than I make it out to be. I've learned there's an issue here that needs work, but I am willing to do anything to overcome this hurdle.

I've learned I'm loved. If there is one thing I've taken away from the past week it is that I am loved and that my hard work does not go unnoticed. Sometimes it feels that I am unloved. Sometimes it feels like I'm unwanted. I often believe the lie that I am not enough, that I'm not going to succeed, that my dreams will never come true. These lies obviously plagued me with failing. But the Lord is good, He is ever faithful.When I learned I failed, I was not alone. I was surrounded by people who loved me. I was able to run to Jesus. I had friends love me so well. A friend brought me a card with wine, chocolate, nail polish, and feel good movies. She spent the evening with me so I wouldn't have to be alone. I received hugs. I received encouragement. Friends reminded me my worth rests in Christ alone. Friends encouraged me as I prepared for my coming exams, as I lost all motivation. They checked in on me, asked me how I was doing. I did not, for one second, doubt that I was loved. I began to believe in myself again. By God's grace, I picked up the pieces and we're moving forward. Decisions have been made for changes to happen.

I've learned more of the Lord's faithfulness. Even in the chaos of this week, a girl came to look at my house, to sublease from me so I could move into a more suited living situation - and she said yes. I needed that yes this week. I've spent the last hour packing my room because I'm moving Sunday.

Lastly, as it is Advent, I am reminded that the Lord is preparing me for something greater than this world, than this life. I am reminded that despite all circumstances, there is hope, because there is a God who loves us enough to die for us. I may be broken, my brokenness may have become very real to me, but I will hold onto hope and allow my heart to be healed and renewed in the love and mercy of Christ.

The Lord takes our brokenness and works with it. He takes us as we are and uses us as instruments of His love. I just want to leave with this quote I found the other day, before all this happened. It spoke to me then, and continues to console my heart. Jesus gets more of my heart now because of this experience.

Broken things are precious. We eat broken bread because we share in the death of our Lord and his broken life. Broken flowers give perfume. Broken incense is used in adoration. A broken ship saved Paul and many other passengers on the way to Rome. Sometimes the only way the good Lord can get into some hearts is to break them. – Fulton Sheen

So Much Noise

Driving back to school after a break filled with lots of food and sleep, I had the windows rolled down and the radio blasting, naturally. There was a lot of noise. Noise from the semi's. Noise from the wind. Noise from the radio being turned up super loud. 'By Your Side' by Tenth Avenue North was playing, one of my favorite songs, and in the song when it goes: .

Cause I, I love you

I want you to know

That I, I love you

I'll never let you go

As the words "I love you" are practically being shouted out over all the noise (like I said my radio was turned up), I realized how often God, our Father in heaven, who loves us so much is constantly trying to shout over all the noise in our lives I love you

The past couple weeks, I've been in a dry spell in my prayer. Whenever this happens, it causes me to question my faith, and makes living my life so much more challenging. I often feel as if the Lord is saying to me: "I love you, is that not enough?"

We allow noise to distract. Everything in life is a choice and sometimes we make poor choices, for example: instead of praying, I'm going to go watch this movie, that will influence me to sin because it's filled with sex, alcohol, and partying. I'm not saying all movies are bad. I'm not saying watching movies is a bad activity. There are very good movies out there. What I'm getting at is the when there are times when we know we need to pray, but that takes effort because prayer hasn't been fruitful, and living a Christian life hasn't been easy - and then, in the struggle we choose the easier option, to lay and watch a movie until we fall asleep, ignoring our struggle & our pain, when maybe we should be talking to God and trying to sort out the problem.

So what am I even getting at here? Well, I suppose it's that we need less noise. We are so busy, and there is much noise. I look at my life and every night of the week I typically have something, of some form going whether it's a meeting, work, homework or dinner with a friend - my life is in a constant 'go' state. There is a lot of noise - especially when I need times of silence, I typically fill it with noise. Like my 20 minute drive to work - this could easily be time used for praying a rosary, but I typically fill the silence with music blasting away trying to forget my stresses of school.

Therefore, I encourage you, my dear friends to embrace silence, to take advantage of opportunities to be silent. I desire for all of us to be living for the Kingdom of God, loving each person exactly where they are at for who they are (that will be continued in another post). I want all of us to know the love of God, and to be able to live in peace & love.

"Pray, hope, and don't worry" -Padre Pio

God bless!

There is a God who Loves you Just the Same

Today's Gospel: Matthew 21:28-32
Jesus said to the chief priests and the elders of the people:
"What is your opinion? 
A man had two sons. 
He came to the first and said,
'Son, go out and work in the vineyard today.' 
The son said in reply, 'I will not,'
but afterwards he changed his mind and went. 
The man came to the other son and gave the same order. 
He said in reply, 'Yes, sir,' but did not go. 
Which of the two did his father's will?" 
They answered, "The first." 
Jesus said to them, "Amen, I say to you,
tax collectors and prostitutes
are entering the Kingdom of God before you. 
When John came to you in the way of righteousness,
you did not believe him;
but tax collectors and prostitutes did. 
Yet even when you saw that,
you did not later change your minds and believe him.


As humans, with free will, it is easy for us to say no to God's will and choose what we want to do over what God has planned for us. Luckily, our God is patient, and merciful. Luckily, our God can work with our decisions, and do His best to make the best out of every situation. 

Sometimes we will make choice, and upon re-evaluation, make a change, just as the son in today's Gospel. Being a young adult, college student, this something that is often done. I've successfully completed my first semester of college. There are girls in my dorm who are transferring to other schools, majors are being changed, decisions were made - and now, with re-evaluation changes are being made. Often times, it is scary to do this. Making decisions are scary. Choosing to take a year off school and to serve is scary. Choosing a college is scary. Choosing a major is scaring. Choosing to do declare yourself single for a season is scary. Choosing to enter into a relationship is scary. Becoming engaged is scary. Getting married is scary. Having your first child is scary. Sending your first child to kindergarten is scary. Sending your children off to college is scary.

 Life is all about making decisions. Things rarely turn out as you expect. But it's all a part of growing up. It's all a part of living. And being 18, and a freshman in college, living on your own for the first time, away from parents, is the perfect time to learn. You make mistakes, and learn from those mistakes. Just remember, there is a God who loves you despite every good or bad decision you may make - You will be loved just the same.

May the Lord guide us and lead us to make prudent decisions. May we humbly follow the son in today's Gospel, and not be afraid to change. May we seek to choose God always.  Amen.