Purify My Heart

I want to share this story of mine, this sin of mine, to be vulnerable because I know in my heart this story, my story, needs shared. I know I am not alone in my struggle, but I know so many others feel alone. Sharing this is meant to offer hope, to offer encouragement. The Lord is mercy, emulate His mercy as you read on, as I have shared a part of my heart with you.

I struggle with a sin of impurity. I have for nearly 10 years. I discovered it before I was a Christian,

and continued to struggle with it once I knew the Lord for some time because I did not know it was a sin. Then I discovered it was a sin my junior year of high school, and that’s when the battle for purity began.

I went to confession yesterday. I fell again. The longest I've gone is about 8 months. Every time I go to confession for this sin I am terrified that the Lord won’t have mercy. I am filled with guilt and shame. I am embarrassed, I know better, but I am weak, and so often fail to rely on the love of the Lord. Once more the Lord met me with mercy, with compassion, with love, with grace, with forgiveness.

Advent has just begun. It is a time in the Church for preparation of the coming of the Lord. Not just recalling Him coming as an infant, but also in preparation for His second coming, at the end of time – judgment day. The priest urged me to ask the Lord one way I can work to purify my heart.

So long as we are on this earth we are going to have barriers between us and Christ. However, there is hope, for He desires to purify our hearts. He desires to bring us home to His heart.

Coming into advent I wanted the Lord to help me to know His presence every day, to see and to know where and how He daily pursues me. Then I went to confession, and was told to ask the Lord one way to purify my heart. How can I grow this season?

I have a heart, tender and broken, stained with sin - sin of impurity, sin of lust, sin of jealousy, sin of envy, sin of anger. Yet, each time I seek the Lord, He has mercy on me. He reminds me He wants to purify my heart. He encourages me to keep fighting the good fight, not just when it’s easy, but in the moments when it’s hard, when I’m tired physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually – He wants me to keep fighting with Him. 

The Lord gives us grace to win every battle. We have to choose to respond to His grace. He desires only our best interest. He knows the deepest desires of heart. He knows why we struggle with sins of the heart, what life experiences lead us here. He wants to heal us. We can trust in Him, we can rely on Him. He is with us always. 

Purify my heart, O Lord. As I prepare to welcome you, purify my heart. In my tiredness, help me to rely on your steadfast love. When I feel unloved, help me to seek your love. When I fail to trust in you, help to me to lean more into your love. In this time of preparation, help me to be alert and stay awake, that I may be ready for your when you come, that you may look upon me in love and say well done my good and faithful servant, welcome home.

I encourage you to pray. Ask the Lord how He wants to heal you this Advent, what barrier He wants to break through. Ask Him to purify your heart. And each day pray. I am choosing to daily pray a rosary, through our Lady's intercession, I know the Lord can do powerful things, I know He will purify my heart. I know he will help me to love more selflessly.

Bringing Light to the Darkness

I recently made a decision to bring to the light an area of darkness in my life. Here in Columbus we started a new women's ministry that deals with sin in the area of sexuality for women - and to bring about healing in this area where so many women have been wounded because of the ways of this world. And I didn't want to do this. I avoided it and literally at the last minute ended up doing it. The group was planning to meet for the first time 8 am Sunday morning and I emailed Saturday asking if there was a way for me to do this this semester. Clearly, the Lord wanted me to do this.

In September we had One Gospel. It's an event put on by St. Paul's Outreach, a ministry I have been involved in for some time now. And we had guest speaker Deacon Ralph Poyo. He's awesome. And he closed talk with a statement saying it doesn't hurt to share his story. He was sexually assaulted as a young child and travels the country sharing his story and the love of God and His healing power in his life. It's truly a gift. Anyway, he said it doesn't hurt when he shares his story anymore and my mind was blown by that. I wanted that. I wanted healing to the point that my heart didn't sting a little when I shared my own story because with my own conversion story I was wounded along the way from a relationship and 5 years later I was still hurting from it sometimes. But the thing was - I was not dealing with this hurt, instead, I was suppressing and burying it.

Finally on that Saturday night something snapped in me that motivated me to take action. I knew this ministry was being offered and I needed it, but I was not wanting to accept this truth.

Praise God for his faithfulness and steadfast love!

Since I started this new chapter in my life, since I brought light to this area of my life I was suppressing and burying I have experienced a new found freedom. Today, I was reflecting on questions for this weeks chapter and I realized I am far more broken than I thought I was. But I also realized Christ's victory. I want to share a few snippets of what has been important to me so far in this journey.

These are just different portions of the readings:

The making of comparison is dangerous for a Christian. We need silence to be able to touch souls. But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have become near by the blood of Christ, for He is our peace. Christ reconciled God and made to be one community in peace through the cross. Understanding your identity in Christ is absolutely essential for your success at living a victorious Christian life. No person can consistently behave in a way that's inconsistent with the way he perceives himself. What matters more is not what others say or think of you but what God says and thinks of you. We have to learn how to renew our minds. I have to choose to believe the promise of God and to let these truth permeate my heart. We have trouble learning how to go to the true Comforter as our only source of comfort. I need to abide in who I am in Christ; abide in Him who abides in me. God fully restores me and welcomes me back with open arms. Jesus is always, always, always enough for me. Jesus Christ is victorious. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. When we know we are and whose we are, we receive the peace of Christ and in that peace, from knowing our identity, our hearts and minds are guarded, are protected because we are immersed in Christ's love and mercy. Because of who my Father is I have authority and power in my life to choose to believe the truth that I am God's daughter, his beloved, and his love is enough for me. 

This is just a tidbit of the truth God is beginning to teach me. I am ever thankful for his faithfulness, for his steadfast love, and for his mercy. As I was chatting with a friend about this she suggested memorizing a few verses that you can say in moments when it is hard so that you continue to bring light to the area when you do struggle. So I want to close with those 3 verses.

1. I have been established, anointed, and sealed by God. 2 Cor 1:21-22
2. I am confident that the good work God has begun in me will be perfected Phil 1:6
3. I may approach God with freedom and confidence Eph 3:12