Let Go & Let God

When you fail a class, you start to question your value, your worth, your ability to succeed in life. You feel like you'll never amount to anything. You question all the work you've put forth the last 5 years. You cry. You yell. You mope.

I tweeted sometime in the last 2 weeks "maybe if I just keep myself busy enough I won't have to deal with my feelings" I've been feeling quite angsty and emotional with failing my class. I felt like a disappoint to my parents. I felt undeserving of love. My brokenness consumed me, the reality of my brokenness consumed me.

I tried all my fix methods. Go for a run. Pray, write angry letters to God. Sleep in, stay up late. Write. Talk it out. Put on a face to people who ask me how I am. Surround myself with people all the time so I don't have to be alone with my thoughts. Read. Paint. Social media numbing... Literally everything that usually makes me feel better I tried... none of it work. I knew I needed to go be in nature - alone with my thoughts, and with my God.

So with my Saturday I got up at 630 and by 710 headed for Old Man's Cave in Hocking Hills. It was just what the doctor ordered. I stepped onto the trail and for the first time since October probably I felt alive. I could breathe again. I hadn't even begun to process what the Lord and I were going to work through, but I was free, free to converse honestly with my Father.

Friday night I was starting to convince myself that I was going to transfer to OSU and change my major to English with a minor in journalism. I was going to become an editor, and write a book. That's important to note for what comes next.

As I began walking I was taking in the beauty around me. I love... LOVE waterfalls, and the sound of water. It's peaceful, powerful, and relaxing all at the same time for me. But soon my path carried me into a steady path where I began to think, and to pray, to tell God what was really going on in this wounded heart of mine (not that He didn't know, but I was holding onto it and needed to surrender it to Him before I would ever come out of this funk).

I'm not okay, and I'm not okay that I'm not okay. I'm not okay with the fact that I failed a class. I'm not okay with the fact that I'll have another semester of school, when I'm already a year behind what I should have been. I'm not okay that my family's not Catholic and don't know God's love and I want to make them know Jesus. I'm not okay with the fact that I'm not in a relationship. I'm not okay that I struggle with a sexual sin and it's a battle everyday for me. I'm not okay that I had to back down from something I had once said yes to. I'm not in control and I'm not okay with the fact that I'm not in control of my life. 

Cedar Falls Hocking Hills 

But it's okay - it's okay that you're not okay because you are bringing it before the Lord. He blesses our vulnerability. Look around you - God made this palace, and He made it so beautiful. He also made you, and because He made you, He loves you and you have value and worth. He cares for the birds and the bees, how much more must He care for you, His beloved daughter?!

That's a little sample of how my prayer went yesterday. I've always known that I have a desperate need to be in control of every situation. My plan to transfer schools and change my major was most likely a way I was trying to control a situation that I actually have no control over. We like to do Texas Two Step dance nights here and multiple guys have commented on my need to let them lead when we dance... I'm not so good at trusting other people to lead me. I'm not so good at trusting God has a plan for my life.

I read a reflection once on Mary's fiat "be it done unto me according to thy word". In her yes, she is saying "I don't know what all of this means, but I choose to say yes to you God. And then she continues to wait in hope, with expectant faith. Whereas I, and I'm sure many others, say okay God, I surrender all to you, I give you my life. And we wait, or so we think, but actually we're wishing for concrete, specific things to happen. We don't wait with expectant faith and hope but we wish for the Lord to work in the way we plan out for our lives. However, we said yes to the Lord in a moment and He blesses that guess and works with us.

A prominent theme this advent, for me, has been that so long as we are on earth there will be barriers that keep us from fully knowing the Lord, but the Lord wants to overcome those barriers. With that thought coming in the first week of Advent I decided I would pray a rosary every day in Advent for the intention of the Lord purifying my heart. I knew I had barriers that needed to be overcome, but I didn't know what they were. I made this commitment to the Lord in faith. I had no idea what it meant, or what it was going to look like, but I am confident the Lord has taken this leap of faith and vulnerability and ran with it. I know He has been purifying my love: my love for others, and purifying my desire for my future vocation, for the love that will some day be exchanged between my husband and I. I am confidant He is moving in ways to prepare for this vocation I so deeply desire. And I think He took my prayer and brought to light the biggest barrier, holding me back from loving Him freely - my desperate need for control.

And so maybe you're in the same spot I am, or maybe you know someone like me. I feel like I've rambled a bit here, but I also know I wanted to share this experience. The Lord, in His goodness, helps us overcome barriers in our lives, to be able to love Him and serve Him freely.

I want to leave you with thoughts I'd written down after this realization.

"Be still and know I am God" Ps 46:10

The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still. Exodus 14:14

Let go & let God

Just be. Don't do, just be.

The journey of a hike in an unknown area is a lot like the journey of our live. There are fallen tress and rocks to climb over. The path is bumpy in some parts and smooth in others. And there are lots of little surprises along the way, where Jesus lets us know He is with us.

Psalm 145

Broken, Healed, Renewed

Monday afternoon I sobbed for three hours - aching because I failed a class. It meant I was pushed back another semester. I'd already been pushed back a whole year, now another semester. It meant I failed. It meant I didn't perform well enough. It meant I wasn't good enough. It meant my brokenness was showing.
I ran to the chapel, I ran to Jesus. I yelled at Jesus. Why did you let this happen? What lesson could I learn from this? I was mad, but I ran to Him. I knew He would console me. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows the desires of my heart(Ps 34). He knows the plans he has for me(Jer 29:11).
Tuesday I wallowed, and I studied, and I wallowed. I didn't put on a face. I didn't try to be cheerful. I was terrified. Wednesday morning's exam determined my entire future. If I failed that exam, and in turn also failed that class I would no longer be a nursing student.  My whole life, especially the last 5 years has all been working towards the goal of being a nurse. I found what I wanted to do in nursing this year. I found my life's purpose. If I failed, all that work would be worthless. I don't know what I would've done with my life. I tried not to dwell on that. I frequently turned to Jesus. I read a reflection that reminded me I can take comfort in the fact that I have a committed relationship with Jesus Christ, that my worth and my value rest in Him.
Wednesday, I showed up. I did my best. I had a panic attack. My best was enough. I passed the exam, I passed the class. Wednesday I cried tears of joy. Nothing else mattered. I get to continue on my path to be a nurse. Finals were over that day. We drank, we ate pizza, we watched TV - we celebrated.
Friday, today, I met with the professor for the class I failed. I barely failed, mind you. There was hope of finding an error somewhere. But there was no error, no miracle moment. There were frustrations. Most of the questions I missed, I almost picked the right answer - I knew the right answer, but I questioned. That was frustrating. But my professor was wonderful. She was encouraging. She was supportive. I can do this. I have it in me, but there are some efforts to be made. I met with my adviser this week too and she was nothing but encouraging. It's another hurdle for me to jump over, another hole to jump through, but we know I'll come out of it.

So why am I sharing all of this? Maybe it's because I'm an external processor, but more so it's because I have learned a few things.

I've learned I'm broken. I've said a multitude of times lately that I've learned more about myself this semester than I have in my entire life, and this continues to ring true as time goes on. I've learned my anxiety issue is worse than I make it out to be. I've learned there's an issue here that needs work, but I am willing to do anything to overcome this hurdle.

I've learned I'm loved. If there is one thing I've taken away from the past week it is that I am loved and that my hard work does not go unnoticed. Sometimes it feels that I am unloved. Sometimes it feels like I'm unwanted. I often believe the lie that I am not enough, that I'm not going to succeed, that my dreams will never come true. These lies obviously plagued me with failing. But the Lord is good, He is ever faithful.When I learned I failed, I was not alone. I was surrounded by people who loved me. I was able to run to Jesus. I had friends love me so well. A friend brought me a card with wine, chocolate, nail polish, and feel good movies. She spent the evening with me so I wouldn't have to be alone. I received hugs. I received encouragement. Friends reminded me my worth rests in Christ alone. Friends encouraged me as I prepared for my coming exams, as I lost all motivation. They checked in on me, asked me how I was doing. I did not, for one second, doubt that I was loved. I began to believe in myself again. By God's grace, I picked up the pieces and we're moving forward. Decisions have been made for changes to happen.

I've learned more of the Lord's faithfulness. Even in the chaos of this week, a girl came to look at my house, to sublease from me so I could move into a more suited living situation - and she said yes. I needed that yes this week. I've spent the last hour packing my room because I'm moving Sunday.

Lastly, as it is Advent, I am reminded that the Lord is preparing me for something greater than this world, than this life. I am reminded that despite all circumstances, there is hope, because there is a God who loves us enough to die for us. I may be broken, my brokenness may have become very real to me, but I will hold onto hope and allow my heart to be healed and renewed in the love and mercy of Christ.

The Lord takes our brokenness and works with it. He takes us as we are and uses us as instruments of His love. I just want to leave with this quote I found the other day, before all this happened. It spoke to me then, and continues to console my heart. Jesus gets more of my heart now because of this experience.

Broken things are precious. We eat broken bread because we share in the death of our Lord and his broken life. Broken flowers give perfume. Broken incense is used in adoration. A broken ship saved Paul and many other passengers on the way to Rome. Sometimes the only way the good Lord can get into some hearts is to break them. – Fulton Sheen

Purify My Heart

I want to share this story of mine, this sin of mine, to be vulnerable because I know in my heart this story, my story, needs shared. I know I am not alone in my struggle, but I know so many others feel alone. Sharing this is meant to offer hope, to offer encouragement. The Lord is mercy, emulate His mercy as you read on, as I have shared a part of my heart with you.

I struggle with a sin of impurity. I have for nearly 10 years. I discovered it before I was a Christian,

and continued to struggle with it once I knew the Lord for some time because I did not know it was a sin. Then I discovered it was a sin my junior year of high school, and that’s when the battle for purity began.

I went to confession yesterday. I fell again. The longest I've gone is about 8 months. Every time I go to confession for this sin I am terrified that the Lord won’t have mercy. I am filled with guilt and shame. I am embarrassed, I know better, but I am weak, and so often fail to rely on the love of the Lord. Once more the Lord met me with mercy, with compassion, with love, with grace, with forgiveness.

Advent has just begun. It is a time in the Church for preparation of the coming of the Lord. Not just recalling Him coming as an infant, but also in preparation for His second coming, at the end of time – judgment day. The priest urged me to ask the Lord one way I can work to purify my heart.

So long as we are on this earth we are going to have barriers between us and Christ. However, there is hope, for He desires to purify our hearts. He desires to bring us home to His heart.

Coming into advent I wanted the Lord to help me to know His presence every day, to see and to know where and how He daily pursues me. Then I went to confession, and was told to ask the Lord one way to purify my heart. How can I grow this season?

I have a heart, tender and broken, stained with sin - sin of impurity, sin of lust, sin of jealousy, sin of envy, sin of anger. Yet, each time I seek the Lord, He has mercy on me. He reminds me He wants to purify my heart. He encourages me to keep fighting the good fight, not just when it’s easy, but in the moments when it’s hard, when I’m tired physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually – He wants me to keep fighting with Him. 

The Lord gives us grace to win every battle. We have to choose to respond to His grace. He desires only our best interest. He knows the deepest desires of heart. He knows why we struggle with sins of the heart, what life experiences lead us here. He wants to heal us. We can trust in Him, we can rely on Him. He is with us always. 

Purify my heart, O Lord. As I prepare to welcome you, purify my heart. In my tiredness, help me to rely on your steadfast love. When I feel unloved, help me to seek your love. When I fail to trust in you, help to me to lean more into your love. In this time of preparation, help me to be alert and stay awake, that I may be ready for your when you come, that you may look upon me in love and say well done my good and faithful servant, welcome home.

I encourage you to pray. Ask the Lord how He wants to heal you this Advent, what barrier He wants to break through. Ask Him to purify your heart. And each day pray. I am choosing to daily pray a rosary, through our Lady's intercession, I know the Lord can do powerful things, I know He will purify my heart. I know he will help me to love more selflessly.

I Have the Right to Complain?

"You have no right to complain because I..."

I'm a selfish person. I always used to think I was rather selfless, but as I have come to know God more, and come to know more about myself through God, I've realized how selfish of a person I am. I tend to whine and complain a lot. For example, this morning when I woke up there was no coffee that I liked in our house, only really black coffee, which I don't like. Because there was no coffee, and no normal coffee makers, only a keurig, I grew flustered because I just wanted my morning cup o' joe. Instead of being content and thankful with what I had, I was angry. It's easy for us to think of ourselves.

What struck this thought this night - Wednesday night I was woke by my friend, long story short we ended up calling 911 and going to the ER around 2 am,  I had to work at 9 am. I didn't think about it at the time. However, at work Thursday morning, someone complained they were tired and I thought to myself  'ughh they have no right to complain, they got a sufficient amount of sleep, uninterrupted by a trip to the hospital'. Now don't get me wrong, I was very thankful to have been able to be present for my friend and be with her and be there for her when she needed me; however, the next morning I was feeling the effects a little differently. The person who had complained she was tired at work had work about 15 days straight - and some of them really awful shifts. She basically had every right to complain, but all I could think of in that moment was myself.

Sometimes, it is easy to think of others. Most of the time, it is easier to think of ourselves. It is easy to be consumed by our own wants, desires, feelings, etc. In reality, I don't have the 'right' to complain, and neither do you. Our lives on earth are not meant to be lives of ease. There will be great suffering in the time we will spend on earth, in order to prepare our hearts for heaven. We are imperfect beings, though we may be striving for holiness (the perfection of charity), we will always fall short of the glory of God and loving perfectly until we enter our home in heaven.

However, there is hope! There is hope in Christ. This night Christ has risen from the tomb. Our God is alive, He reigns.

There is hope in the Lord for us to overcome our selfishness. Jesus Christ is the ultimate example of sacrifice. Mary is the other perfect example for us to follow. Jesus - the perfect example of love, in laying down his life, that we may be able to enter the eternal Kingdom. He died, and rose to fill the void between God and man. Mary - who proclaimed "be it done unto me according to Thy word" She gave her yes to the Father, knowing she was saying yes to living a life of sacrifice, of selflessness. She is one whom we can turn to, and seek her intercession that we may grow out of selfishness, and draw closer into the Sacred Heart of Jesus.

Brothers and sisters, hope in the resurrection. In this Easter season may we rejoice in the gift of salvation; may we find hope in Christ.

Alleluia, the King has risen.
Happy Easter!
God bless.

Doubting God - Finding Hope in Him

I was just playing a game of solitaire on my computer, and it looked like it was going to be a bad game so I went to hit the F2 button in order to deal again, but I paused for a second to think about what I was doing. I made the moves I could make with the opening cards and flipped through the deck once, and decided that was enough of a chance that I was giving that deal. In less than 5 minutes, I had given up hope of ever winning in that game. 

How often do we give up hope in life? How often do we doubt God, and doubt what he can do? 

My friend and I had a brief conversation about this the other day. She leaves Tuesday to study abroad for the summer and was really stressed about getting everything done in time to leave very early on Tuesday. My friend said, I know God will take care of it all, but it's so easy to doubt, and I doubt him all the time. 

One of my other friends dropped everything at home, packed up his bags and moved to Columbus to serve the Lord, after having lived in the South all his life. He said before one of the greatest struggles in this journey has been trusting the Lord will continue to provide for him. 

I could continue telling you all these times where people have doubted, but I'll only share one more, my personal experience, which played a major role in my conversion. Before my conversion, a personal relationship with God was a strange idea to me. I thought the whole idea of prayer and a relationship with someone or something I wasn't sure even existed was super sketchy. But I eventually gave it a shot...and realized God does exist, prayer life is important, and there is something beautiful about having a relationship with Christ. However, for the longest time I still struggled with hope. I struggled to know and to trust that my future was in God's hands.

When speaking on hope the catechism says, When God reveals Himself and calls him, man cannot fully respond to the divine love by his own powers. He must hope that God will give him the capacity to love Him in return and to act in conformity with the commandments of charity. Hope is the confident expectation of divine blessing and the beatific vision of God; it is also the fear of offending God's love and of incurring punishment (article 2090). When speaking on hope as a theological virtue the catechism says, Hope is the theological virtue by which we desire the kingdom of heaven and eternal life as our happiness, placing our trust in Christ's promises and relying not on our own strength, but on the help of the grace of the Holy Spirit (article 1817). The virtue of hope responds to the aspiration to happiness, which God has placed in the heart of every man (article 1818).  

What does all that mumbo jumbo mean?

For starters, it means we as human beings are weak. We cannot serve our Lord without strength from him. It means we must learn to believe in the existence of God. Then we must learn to trust that He is going to give us the ability to love, if we let Him work in our lives. So in all reality, we need to be open to the idea that God exists. Then we need to come to believe in him through our searching and desires. And then, we need to allow him to work in us. We need to develop a relationship with Christ, so that we can trust Him and trust that He will provide.

We need hope in order to obtain the happiness that we desire. Therefore, we need to pray for the virtue of hope in our lives, trusting and knowing that God will provide for us, and rely not on our own strength, but on his.

This is not an easy task. I’ve been working at growing in the virtue of hope for about 6 months now, and it’s so beautiful, but I’m constantly doubting and questioning the power of our God. It’s so easy to but a limit on our God, but I promise you, our God is limitless, His power is endless – we just need to allow Him into our 
lives and to take control, constantly fighting a battle against the contemporary, materialistic world. 


For you are my hope, O Lord God: you are my trust from my youth 


Psalm 71:5