Let Go & Let God

When you fail a class, you start to question your value, your worth, your ability to succeed in life. You feel like you'll never amount to anything. You question all the work you've put forth the last 5 years. You cry. You yell. You mope.

I tweeted sometime in the last 2 weeks "maybe if I just keep myself busy enough I won't have to deal with my feelings" I've been feeling quite angsty and emotional with failing my class. I felt like a disappoint to my parents. I felt undeserving of love. My brokenness consumed me, the reality of my brokenness consumed me.

I tried all my fix methods. Go for a run. Pray, write angry letters to God. Sleep in, stay up late. Write. Talk it out. Put on a face to people who ask me how I am. Surround myself with people all the time so I don't have to be alone with my thoughts. Read. Paint. Social media numbing... Literally everything that usually makes me feel better I tried... none of it work. I knew I needed to go be in nature - alone with my thoughts, and with my God.

So with my Saturday I got up at 630 and by 710 headed for Old Man's Cave in Hocking Hills. It was just what the doctor ordered. I stepped onto the trail and for the first time since October probably I felt alive. I could breathe again. I hadn't even begun to process what the Lord and I were going to work through, but I was free, free to converse honestly with my Father.

Friday night I was starting to convince myself that I was going to transfer to OSU and change my major to English with a minor in journalism. I was going to become an editor, and write a book. That's important to note for what comes next.

As I began walking I was taking in the beauty around me. I love... LOVE waterfalls, and the sound of water. It's peaceful, powerful, and relaxing all at the same time for me. But soon my path carried me into a steady path where I began to think, and to pray, to tell God what was really going on in this wounded heart of mine (not that He didn't know, but I was holding onto it and needed to surrender it to Him before I would ever come out of this funk).

I'm not okay, and I'm not okay that I'm not okay. I'm not okay with the fact that I failed a class. I'm not okay with the fact that I'll have another semester of school, when I'm already a year behind what I should have been. I'm not okay that my family's not Catholic and don't know God's love and I want to make them know Jesus. I'm not okay with the fact that I'm not in a relationship. I'm not okay that I struggle with a sexual sin and it's a battle everyday for me. I'm not okay that I had to back down from something I had once said yes to. I'm not in control and I'm not okay with the fact that I'm not in control of my life. 

Cedar Falls Hocking Hills 

But it's okay - it's okay that you're not okay because you are bringing it before the Lord. He blesses our vulnerability. Look around you - God made this palace, and He made it so beautiful. He also made you, and because He made you, He loves you and you have value and worth. He cares for the birds and the bees, how much more must He care for you, His beloved daughter?!

That's a little sample of how my prayer went yesterday. I've always known that I have a desperate need to be in control of every situation. My plan to transfer schools and change my major was most likely a way I was trying to control a situation that I actually have no control over. We like to do Texas Two Step dance nights here and multiple guys have commented on my need to let them lead when we dance... I'm not so good at trusting other people to lead me. I'm not so good at trusting God has a plan for my life.

I read a reflection once on Mary's fiat "be it done unto me according to thy word". In her yes, she is saying "I don't know what all of this means, but I choose to say yes to you God. And then she continues to wait in hope, with expectant faith. Whereas I, and I'm sure many others, say okay God, I surrender all to you, I give you my life. And we wait, or so we think, but actually we're wishing for concrete, specific things to happen. We don't wait with expectant faith and hope but we wish for the Lord to work in the way we plan out for our lives. However, we said yes to the Lord in a moment and He blesses that guess and works with us.

A prominent theme this advent, for me, has been that so long as we are on earth there will be barriers that keep us from fully knowing the Lord, but the Lord wants to overcome those barriers. With that thought coming in the first week of Advent I decided I would pray a rosary every day in Advent for the intention of the Lord purifying my heart. I knew I had barriers that needed to be overcome, but I didn't know what they were. I made this commitment to the Lord in faith. I had no idea what it meant, or what it was going to look like, but I am confident the Lord has taken this leap of faith and vulnerability and ran with it. I know He has been purifying my love: my love for others, and purifying my desire for my future vocation, for the love that will some day be exchanged between my husband and I. I am confidant He is moving in ways to prepare for this vocation I so deeply desire. And I think He took my prayer and brought to light the biggest barrier, holding me back from loving Him freely - my desperate need for control.

And so maybe you're in the same spot I am, or maybe you know someone like me. I feel like I've rambled a bit here, but I also know I wanted to share this experience. The Lord, in His goodness, helps us overcome barriers in our lives, to be able to love Him and serve Him freely.

I want to leave you with thoughts I'd written down after this realization.

"Be still and know I am God" Ps 46:10

The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still. Exodus 14:14

Let go & let God

Just be. Don't do, just be.

The journey of a hike in an unknown area is a lot like the journey of our live. There are fallen tress and rocks to climb over. The path is bumpy in some parts and smooth in others. And there are lots of little surprises along the way, where Jesus lets us know He is with us.

Psalm 145

Jesus, I Trust

Jesus, I trust in you. Jesus, I trust in you. Jesus, I trust in you. 

Time and time again I am repeating this phrase, throughout the day, every day, especially lately. I'm stubborn. I'm hard headed. And like many others, I like to know what's going to happen, when it's going to happen, and how. I like to be in control of situations. I want to know when things are going to move forward, when they're going to change, that they are going to pan out as I'd like. But the thing is, the Lord doesn't always... doesn't usually work that way. Normally He says "just trust me, give me your yes. I will bless it, I will work with it." 

The beauty of God is He meets us where we at, and carries us through to the end. We give Him what we are capable of, and He runs with it. 

Recently, the God has been asking me to trust Him a lot, and in an extra way, a new way. Here's an example (I think he's testing my trust...) 

For school we had to do 10 observation hours. I scheduled 4 the beginning of Oct and 4 the end. However, for my second 4 I was sick and feverish that day - you can't observe at a daycare with a fever - all the moms would've wanted to kill me. The problem is that all the rest of the observation opportunities were filled for the rest of the semester, and I didn't realize we could add a 3rd person to the days. So time kept passing and I hadn't figured out what I was going to do, but the end of the semester was quickly approaching. I saw my friend Maire at another friend's birthday party. Maire works for an early childhood education center for kids with developmental disabilities. I realized that her work fit my need for my observation hours. So I asked her if that could be an option, and she said potentially. The one day I could observe was about 2 weeks out. So we didn't talk practical details, that and it was 1 am when we were chatting. So Sunday before the Tuesday that I was able to observe I touched base with Maire. She said she would have to ask Teresa, her supervisor and would ask her Monday morning. However, Monday Teresa was in meetings all day and Maire wasn't able to ask her. I asked Maire for Teresa's email and emailed her as well. She didn't get back to me until 9 am Tuesday morning. I was a mess from 4 on Monday until 9 on Tuesday. I had no idea how I was going to fill these observation hours. When else could I go? Where else could I go? I kept praying, telling Jesus I trusted Him. I knew He would provide, and He did. He just waited until the last possible second, literally. I just barely met my 10 hour quota. If Teresa had emailed an hour later I would've been short. 

Another example - I'm moving out of my current house in the next few weeks, but I'm trying to find a sublet. The girl who is showing interest was supposed to come about an hour ago, but she texted me that something came up and asked if I could do tomorrow. I started to panic. What if this girl doesn't work out? I have no other prospects. I need the living situation change to happen. What am I going to do? And then I remembered I just need to trust the Lord. He's going to provide. He opened my eyes to my need to move. He provided a place to move. He's provided me with support in my friends, my chosen family on this campus. He will provide a way for me out of my house, I just have to keep trusting. 

I went to confession earlier this week and the priest left me with picking one way to work on purifying my heart. I was praying in the church after confession and trying to figure out how the Lord wanted to purify my heart, what He wanted me to do... and I was clueless, so I let my brain wheels keep turning and realized how I don't pray the rosary like I used to. I was convicted to pray the rosary every day throughout Advent for the intention of the Lord purifying my heart. I don't know what needs purified. I don't what it looks like or how He is going to do it, but I have expectant, I trust. 

The Lord is so good to us. He always provides, but by our human nature, we struggle to trust Him, to trust His providence, to trust His plan. So I just want to leave a couple of scripture verses here as I bring this to a close. 

This time of advent is a time of preparation, and of waiting for the coming of our Lord. May we await him with hope, may we prepare our hearts, and hold onto expectant faith that He is about a mighty work in our lives. 

Wait for the LORD with courage;
be stouthearted, and wait for the LORD. -Ps 27:14

He will give rain for the seed
that you sow in the ground,
And the wheat that the soil produces
will be rich and abundant. Isaiah 30:23

For I know well the plans I have in mind for you—oracle of the LORD—plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope. Jer 29:11 

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,

on your own intelligence do not rely;

In all your ways be mindful of him,

and he will make straight your paths. Prov 3:5-6 

Purify My Heart

I want to share this story of mine, this sin of mine, to be vulnerable because I know in my heart this story, my story, needs shared. I know I am not alone in my struggle, but I know so many others feel alone. Sharing this is meant to offer hope, to offer encouragement. The Lord is mercy, emulate His mercy as you read on, as I have shared a part of my heart with you.

I struggle with a sin of impurity. I have for nearly 10 years. I discovered it before I was a Christian,

and continued to struggle with it once I knew the Lord for some time because I did not know it was a sin. Then I discovered it was a sin my junior year of high school, and that’s when the battle for purity began.

I went to confession yesterday. I fell again. The longest I've gone is about 8 months. Every time I go to confession for this sin I am terrified that the Lord won’t have mercy. I am filled with guilt and shame. I am embarrassed, I know better, but I am weak, and so often fail to rely on the love of the Lord. Once more the Lord met me with mercy, with compassion, with love, with grace, with forgiveness.

Advent has just begun. It is a time in the Church for preparation of the coming of the Lord. Not just recalling Him coming as an infant, but also in preparation for His second coming, at the end of time – judgment day. The priest urged me to ask the Lord one way I can work to purify my heart.

So long as we are on this earth we are going to have barriers between us and Christ. However, there is hope, for He desires to purify our hearts. He desires to bring us home to His heart.

Coming into advent I wanted the Lord to help me to know His presence every day, to see and to know where and how He daily pursues me. Then I went to confession, and was told to ask the Lord one way to purify my heart. How can I grow this season?

I have a heart, tender and broken, stained with sin - sin of impurity, sin of lust, sin of jealousy, sin of envy, sin of anger. Yet, each time I seek the Lord, He has mercy on me. He reminds me He wants to purify my heart. He encourages me to keep fighting the good fight, not just when it’s easy, but in the moments when it’s hard, when I’m tired physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually – He wants me to keep fighting with Him. 

The Lord gives us grace to win every battle. We have to choose to respond to His grace. He desires only our best interest. He knows the deepest desires of heart. He knows why we struggle with sins of the heart, what life experiences lead us here. He wants to heal us. We can trust in Him, we can rely on Him. He is with us always. 

Purify my heart, O Lord. As I prepare to welcome you, purify my heart. In my tiredness, help me to rely on your steadfast love. When I feel unloved, help me to seek your love. When I fail to trust in you, help to me to lean more into your love. In this time of preparation, help me to be alert and stay awake, that I may be ready for your when you come, that you may look upon me in love and say well done my good and faithful servant, welcome home.

I encourage you to pray. Ask the Lord how He wants to heal you this Advent, what barrier He wants to break through. Ask Him to purify your heart. And each day pray. I am choosing to daily pray a rosary, through our Lady's intercession, I know the Lord can do powerful things, I know He will purify my heart. I know he will help me to love more selflessly.