The Lord is Near

The Lord lets us know He is near.

It turns out I don't handle failing too great. The number of times I've cried the last few weeks is obnoxious. My emotions are outta control, I had my college I don't know what I'm doing with my life crisis... I've fought with my mom, pushed my friends away - except maybe one who I've leaned on the whole time and can always count on to be a rock for me when I need it most..

Last night was another one of those sleepless nights, so I send a novel long text to my friend who tends to be my rock, and got a response early this afternoon - and it ended with being told that I'm amazing woman with amazing strength.... errr cue water works. I had to leave for babysitting so I calmed down and pulled myself together pretty quickly. Then I stopped for chai tea latte because those always make me feel better. Whenever I'm sick with sinus stuff I get one because the spice of it makes me feel a lot better. So I thought maybe it would make me feel better today. I went through the drive-thru and I always use my card on my phone, but the scanner thing wasn't working very well today. After a couple attempts the guy gave up and decided to just give me drink - saying it was on him today. As I drove off I thanked the Lord for this little gift. And I realized how much He has been blessing me, giving me little gifts to know He is near. Here are a few of the ways He has shown me he is near:

• multiple sunny days in a row (that doesn't happen hear in winter) 
• warm days (for Dec)
• a really cozy heated blanket
• speaking to me clearly in prayer 
• a good dinner date with a friend
• getting to spend 3 hrs with Steph (a dear friend serving in MN this year)
• facetiming with Lauren (a dear friend serving in TX) 
• Finishing my journal today, which means with the new year I start a new journal which makes my OCD happy 
• good quality time with my dad
• a gorgeous sunset 



the sunset. this picture doesn't do it justice.

• a fantastic run - where my head was clear and I felt alive 
• daily mass
• compliments on my beauty from dear friends 

How has the Lord been blessing you this Christmas season? Do you know He is here, He is near, and He is revealing more and more of His love to you?! 

You Were Worth It

Lately, I've been struggling to believe that I am worthy of and deserving of love. I, rather, tend to believe the lie that because I fell short of the standard I, and so many others, hold me to, I am no longer worthy of being loved. 

For Advent, I have prayed the rosary every day for the intention of purifying my heart. So I was doing that today. Being Tuesday, the mysteries of the rosary to reflect on today are the sorrowful. So I was reflecting on the sorrowful mysteries and this struggle I am facing, this battle I am fighting. It was toward the end of my rosary and I looked up at the beautiful painting of the crucifix and begging Jesus to help me - and He whispered into the depths of my heart 'you were worth it'. Wait. The Savior of the world is telling me I was worth it.. I continued to fight this as I continued praying, and as I was reflecting on my day today I wrote a poem - a prayer and a poem that I just want to share. 

The blood, the sweat, the tears

The anguish

You were worth it 

Stripped of my clothes, my dignity 

Beaten with a whip, crowned with thorns

You were worth it 

The way up Calvary

Falling three times, and getting back up 

You were worth it

Nails pierced my hands, my feet

Forgive them for they know not 

You were worth it

Lance pierced my side

Blood and water gushed forth

You were worth it 

Coming as a child in a manger

Fully human, to endure temptation & face death

You were worth it. 

You were worth the way of the cross, you were worth the temptation, you were worth winning victory for. The battle is won, but the fight isn't over. When we stumble, fall, doubt - struggle, we must turn to the Lord in humility, "Lord, I believe help my unbelief.' Christ conquered sin & death, and He says you were worth it. As His children, He loves us. His love holds us into existence. He has only our best interest in mind. And He says you, and you alone, were worth all the suffering in the world. Know, dear, that you are loved, and worthy of love by the simple truth you are a child of God. 

Let Go & Let God

When you fail a class, you start to question your value, your worth, your ability to succeed in life. You feel like you'll never amount to anything. You question all the work you've put forth the last 5 years. You cry. You yell. You mope.

I tweeted sometime in the last 2 weeks "maybe if I just keep myself busy enough I won't have to deal with my feelings" I've been feeling quite angsty and emotional with failing my class. I felt like a disappoint to my parents. I felt undeserving of love. My brokenness consumed me, the reality of my brokenness consumed me.

I tried all my fix methods. Go for a run. Pray, write angry letters to God. Sleep in, stay up late. Write. Talk it out. Put on a face to people who ask me how I am. Surround myself with people all the time so I don't have to be alone with my thoughts. Read. Paint. Social media numbing... Literally everything that usually makes me feel better I tried... none of it work. I knew I needed to go be in nature - alone with my thoughts, and with my God.

So with my Saturday I got up at 630 and by 710 headed for Old Man's Cave in Hocking Hills. It was just what the doctor ordered. I stepped onto the trail and for the first time since October probably I felt alive. I could breathe again. I hadn't even begun to process what the Lord and I were going to work through, but I was free, free to converse honestly with my Father.

Friday night I was starting to convince myself that I was going to transfer to OSU and change my major to English with a minor in journalism. I was going to become an editor, and write a book. That's important to note for what comes next.

As I began walking I was taking in the beauty around me. I love... LOVE waterfalls, and the sound of water. It's peaceful, powerful, and relaxing all at the same time for me. But soon my path carried me into a steady path where I began to think, and to pray, to tell God what was really going on in this wounded heart of mine (not that He didn't know, but I was holding onto it and needed to surrender it to Him before I would ever come out of this funk).

I'm not okay, and I'm not okay that I'm not okay. I'm not okay with the fact that I failed a class. I'm not okay with the fact that I'll have another semester of school, when I'm already a year behind what I should have been. I'm not okay that my family's not Catholic and don't know God's love and I want to make them know Jesus. I'm not okay with the fact that I'm not in a relationship. I'm not okay that I struggle with a sexual sin and it's a battle everyday for me. I'm not okay that I had to back down from something I had once said yes to. I'm not in control and I'm not okay with the fact that I'm not in control of my life. 

Cedar Falls Hocking Hills 

But it's okay - it's okay that you're not okay because you are bringing it before the Lord. He blesses our vulnerability. Look around you - God made this palace, and He made it so beautiful. He also made you, and because He made you, He loves you and you have value and worth. He cares for the birds and the bees, how much more must He care for you, His beloved daughter?!

That's a little sample of how my prayer went yesterday. I've always known that I have a desperate need to be in control of every situation. My plan to transfer schools and change my major was most likely a way I was trying to control a situation that I actually have no control over. We like to do Texas Two Step dance nights here and multiple guys have commented on my need to let them lead when we dance... I'm not so good at trusting other people to lead me. I'm not so good at trusting God has a plan for my life.

I read a reflection once on Mary's fiat "be it done unto me according to thy word". In her yes, she is saying "I don't know what all of this means, but I choose to say yes to you God. And then she continues to wait in hope, with expectant faith. Whereas I, and I'm sure many others, say okay God, I surrender all to you, I give you my life. And we wait, or so we think, but actually we're wishing for concrete, specific things to happen. We don't wait with expectant faith and hope but we wish for the Lord to work in the way we plan out for our lives. However, we said yes to the Lord in a moment and He blesses that guess and works with us.

A prominent theme this advent, for me, has been that so long as we are on earth there will be barriers that keep us from fully knowing the Lord, but the Lord wants to overcome those barriers. With that thought coming in the first week of Advent I decided I would pray a rosary every day in Advent for the intention of the Lord purifying my heart. I knew I had barriers that needed to be overcome, but I didn't know what they were. I made this commitment to the Lord in faith. I had no idea what it meant, or what it was going to look like, but I am confident the Lord has taken this leap of faith and vulnerability and ran with it. I know He has been purifying my love: my love for others, and purifying my desire for my future vocation, for the love that will some day be exchanged between my husband and I. I am confidant He is moving in ways to prepare for this vocation I so deeply desire. And I think He took my prayer and brought to light the biggest barrier, holding me back from loving Him freely - my desperate need for control.

And so maybe you're in the same spot I am, or maybe you know someone like me. I feel like I've rambled a bit here, but I also know I wanted to share this experience. The Lord, in His goodness, helps us overcome barriers in our lives, to be able to love Him and serve Him freely.

I want to leave you with thoughts I'd written down after this realization.

"Be still and know I am God" Ps 46:10

The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still. Exodus 14:14

Let go & let God

Just be. Don't do, just be.

The journey of a hike in an unknown area is a lot like the journey of our live. There are fallen tress and rocks to climb over. The path is bumpy in some parts and smooth in others. And there are lots of little surprises along the way, where Jesus lets us know He is with us.

Psalm 145

Broken, Healed, Renewed

Monday afternoon I sobbed for three hours - aching because I failed a class. It meant I was pushed back another semester. I'd already been pushed back a whole year, now another semester. It meant I failed. It meant I didn't perform well enough. It meant I wasn't good enough. It meant my brokenness was showing.
I ran to the chapel, I ran to Jesus. I yelled at Jesus. Why did you let this happen? What lesson could I learn from this? I was mad, but I ran to Him. I knew He would console me. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows the desires of my heart(Ps 34). He knows the plans he has for me(Jer 29:11).
Tuesday I wallowed, and I studied, and I wallowed. I didn't put on a face. I didn't try to be cheerful. I was terrified. Wednesday morning's exam determined my entire future. If I failed that exam, and in turn also failed that class I would no longer be a nursing student.  My whole life, especially the last 5 years has all been working towards the goal of being a nurse. I found what I wanted to do in nursing this year. I found my life's purpose. If I failed, all that work would be worthless. I don't know what I would've done with my life. I tried not to dwell on that. I frequently turned to Jesus. I read a reflection that reminded me I can take comfort in the fact that I have a committed relationship with Jesus Christ, that my worth and my value rest in Him.
Wednesday, I showed up. I did my best. I had a panic attack. My best was enough. I passed the exam, I passed the class. Wednesday I cried tears of joy. Nothing else mattered. I get to continue on my path to be a nurse. Finals were over that day. We drank, we ate pizza, we watched TV - we celebrated.
Friday, today, I met with the professor for the class I failed. I barely failed, mind you. There was hope of finding an error somewhere. But there was no error, no miracle moment. There were frustrations. Most of the questions I missed, I almost picked the right answer - I knew the right answer, but I questioned. That was frustrating. But my professor was wonderful. She was encouraging. She was supportive. I can do this. I have it in me, but there are some efforts to be made. I met with my adviser this week too and she was nothing but encouraging. It's another hurdle for me to jump over, another hole to jump through, but we know I'll come out of it.

So why am I sharing all of this? Maybe it's because I'm an external processor, but more so it's because I have learned a few things.

I've learned I'm broken. I've said a multitude of times lately that I've learned more about myself this semester than I have in my entire life, and this continues to ring true as time goes on. I've learned my anxiety issue is worse than I make it out to be. I've learned there's an issue here that needs work, but I am willing to do anything to overcome this hurdle.

I've learned I'm loved. If there is one thing I've taken away from the past week it is that I am loved and that my hard work does not go unnoticed. Sometimes it feels that I am unloved. Sometimes it feels like I'm unwanted. I often believe the lie that I am not enough, that I'm not going to succeed, that my dreams will never come true. These lies obviously plagued me with failing. But the Lord is good, He is ever faithful.When I learned I failed, I was not alone. I was surrounded by people who loved me. I was able to run to Jesus. I had friends love me so well. A friend brought me a card with wine, chocolate, nail polish, and feel good movies. She spent the evening with me so I wouldn't have to be alone. I received hugs. I received encouragement. Friends reminded me my worth rests in Christ alone. Friends encouraged me as I prepared for my coming exams, as I lost all motivation. They checked in on me, asked me how I was doing. I did not, for one second, doubt that I was loved. I began to believe in myself again. By God's grace, I picked up the pieces and we're moving forward. Decisions have been made for changes to happen.

I've learned more of the Lord's faithfulness. Even in the chaos of this week, a girl came to look at my house, to sublease from me so I could move into a more suited living situation - and she said yes. I needed that yes this week. I've spent the last hour packing my room because I'm moving Sunday.

Lastly, as it is Advent, I am reminded that the Lord is preparing me for something greater than this world, than this life. I am reminded that despite all circumstances, there is hope, because there is a God who loves us enough to die for us. I may be broken, my brokenness may have become very real to me, but I will hold onto hope and allow my heart to be healed and renewed in the love and mercy of Christ.

The Lord takes our brokenness and works with it. He takes us as we are and uses us as instruments of His love. I just want to leave with this quote I found the other day, before all this happened. It spoke to me then, and continues to console my heart. Jesus gets more of my heart now because of this experience.

Broken things are precious. We eat broken bread because we share in the death of our Lord and his broken life. Broken flowers give perfume. Broken incense is used in adoration. A broken ship saved Paul and many other passengers on the way to Rome. Sometimes the only way the good Lord can get into some hearts is to break them. – Fulton Sheen

Jesus, I Trust

Jesus, I trust in you. Jesus, I trust in you. Jesus, I trust in you. 

Time and time again I am repeating this phrase, throughout the day, every day, especially lately. I'm stubborn. I'm hard headed. And like many others, I like to know what's going to happen, when it's going to happen, and how. I like to be in control of situations. I want to know when things are going to move forward, when they're going to change, that they are going to pan out as I'd like. But the thing is, the Lord doesn't always... doesn't usually work that way. Normally He says "just trust me, give me your yes. I will bless it, I will work with it." 

The beauty of God is He meets us where we at, and carries us through to the end. We give Him what we are capable of, and He runs with it. 

Recently, the God has been asking me to trust Him a lot, and in an extra way, a new way. Here's an example (I think he's testing my trust...) 

For school we had to do 10 observation hours. I scheduled 4 the beginning of Oct and 4 the end. However, for my second 4 I was sick and feverish that day - you can't observe at a daycare with a fever - all the moms would've wanted to kill me. The problem is that all the rest of the observation opportunities were filled for the rest of the semester, and I didn't realize we could add a 3rd person to the days. So time kept passing and I hadn't figured out what I was going to do, but the end of the semester was quickly approaching. I saw my friend Maire at another friend's birthday party. Maire works for an early childhood education center for kids with developmental disabilities. I realized that her work fit my need for my observation hours. So I asked her if that could be an option, and she said potentially. The one day I could observe was about 2 weeks out. So we didn't talk practical details, that and it was 1 am when we were chatting. So Sunday before the Tuesday that I was able to observe I touched base with Maire. She said she would have to ask Teresa, her supervisor and would ask her Monday morning. However, Monday Teresa was in meetings all day and Maire wasn't able to ask her. I asked Maire for Teresa's email and emailed her as well. She didn't get back to me until 9 am Tuesday morning. I was a mess from 4 on Monday until 9 on Tuesday. I had no idea how I was going to fill these observation hours. When else could I go? Where else could I go? I kept praying, telling Jesus I trusted Him. I knew He would provide, and He did. He just waited until the last possible second, literally. I just barely met my 10 hour quota. If Teresa had emailed an hour later I would've been short. 

Another example - I'm moving out of my current house in the next few weeks, but I'm trying to find a sublet. The girl who is showing interest was supposed to come about an hour ago, but she texted me that something came up and asked if I could do tomorrow. I started to panic. What if this girl doesn't work out? I have no other prospects. I need the living situation change to happen. What am I going to do? And then I remembered I just need to trust the Lord. He's going to provide. He opened my eyes to my need to move. He provided a place to move. He's provided me with support in my friends, my chosen family on this campus. He will provide a way for me out of my house, I just have to keep trusting. 

I went to confession earlier this week and the priest left me with picking one way to work on purifying my heart. I was praying in the church after confession and trying to figure out how the Lord wanted to purify my heart, what He wanted me to do... and I was clueless, so I let my brain wheels keep turning and realized how I don't pray the rosary like I used to. I was convicted to pray the rosary every day throughout Advent for the intention of the Lord purifying my heart. I don't know what needs purified. I don't what it looks like or how He is going to do it, but I have expectant, I trust. 

The Lord is so good to us. He always provides, but by our human nature, we struggle to trust Him, to trust His providence, to trust His plan. So I just want to leave a couple of scripture verses here as I bring this to a close. 

This time of advent is a time of preparation, and of waiting for the coming of our Lord. May we await him with hope, may we prepare our hearts, and hold onto expectant faith that He is about a mighty work in our lives. 

Wait for the LORD with courage;
be stouthearted, and wait for the LORD. -Ps 27:14

He will give rain for the seed
that you sow in the ground,
And the wheat that the soil produces
will be rich and abundant. Isaiah 30:23

For I know well the plans I have in mind for you—oracle of the LORD—plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope. Jer 29:11 

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,

on your own intelligence do not rely;

In all your ways be mindful of him,

and he will make straight your paths. Prov 3:5-6 

Purify My Heart

I want to share this story of mine, this sin of mine, to be vulnerable because I know in my heart this story, my story, needs shared. I know I am not alone in my struggle, but I know so many others feel alone. Sharing this is meant to offer hope, to offer encouragement. The Lord is mercy, emulate His mercy as you read on, as I have shared a part of my heart with you.

I struggle with a sin of impurity. I have for nearly 10 years. I discovered it before I was a Christian,

and continued to struggle with it once I knew the Lord for some time because I did not know it was a sin. Then I discovered it was a sin my junior year of high school, and that’s when the battle for purity began.

I went to confession yesterday. I fell again. The longest I've gone is about 8 months. Every time I go to confession for this sin I am terrified that the Lord won’t have mercy. I am filled with guilt and shame. I am embarrassed, I know better, but I am weak, and so often fail to rely on the love of the Lord. Once more the Lord met me with mercy, with compassion, with love, with grace, with forgiveness.

Advent has just begun. It is a time in the Church for preparation of the coming of the Lord. Not just recalling Him coming as an infant, but also in preparation for His second coming, at the end of time – judgment day. The priest urged me to ask the Lord one way I can work to purify my heart.

So long as we are on this earth we are going to have barriers between us and Christ. However, there is hope, for He desires to purify our hearts. He desires to bring us home to His heart.

Coming into advent I wanted the Lord to help me to know His presence every day, to see and to know where and how He daily pursues me. Then I went to confession, and was told to ask the Lord one way to purify my heart. How can I grow this season?

I have a heart, tender and broken, stained with sin - sin of impurity, sin of lust, sin of jealousy, sin of envy, sin of anger. Yet, each time I seek the Lord, He has mercy on me. He reminds me He wants to purify my heart. He encourages me to keep fighting the good fight, not just when it’s easy, but in the moments when it’s hard, when I’m tired physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually – He wants me to keep fighting with Him. 

The Lord gives us grace to win every battle. We have to choose to respond to His grace. He desires only our best interest. He knows the deepest desires of heart. He knows why we struggle with sins of the heart, what life experiences lead us here. He wants to heal us. We can trust in Him, we can rely on Him. He is with us always. 

Purify my heart, O Lord. As I prepare to welcome you, purify my heart. In my tiredness, help me to rely on your steadfast love. When I feel unloved, help me to seek your love. When I fail to trust in you, help to me to lean more into your love. In this time of preparation, help me to be alert and stay awake, that I may be ready for your when you come, that you may look upon me in love and say well done my good and faithful servant, welcome home.

I encourage you to pray. Ask the Lord how He wants to heal you this Advent, what barrier He wants to break through. Ask Him to purify your heart. And each day pray. I am choosing to daily pray a rosary, through our Lady's intercession, I know the Lord can do powerful things, I know He will purify my heart. I know he will help me to love more selflessly.

Reflections

This week is my last full week of classes... what?! And it has led me to reflect a bit on this past semester. It has been quite the journey! I have not ceased to be amazed by the work of the Lord in my life. He has brought me so much healing, joy, and love. I have learned more about who I am and whose I am in the past 4 months than in the last 21 years. Truly I am blessed.

A little over a month ago I turned the Lord in prayer, yelling at Him for giving me a heart filled with an exceptional capacity to love. Shortly following that prayer, the Lord provided an opportunity for me to shadow in a neonatal intensive care unit - I left that day knowing I had found my call in nursing. I fell in love with everything I saw, with the kind of care done on this unit. I knew in a moment that this is what I was built for, In my short time on the NICU I was talking to family of one of the babies and this kind woman said to me "NICU nurses are a special kind of nurse. I've had lots of nurses in my day (she was the baby's grandma) and since we've been in the NICU I've seen nurse who care so much. It takes someone with a big heart." ... ... ... if I could pick one phrase to describe me it would be big-hearted, hands down, no questions asked. I spent a lot of time reflecting on my life - I always loved playing with baby dolls, would pretend to care for babies all the time, it was like all I did with childhood. Clearly, I was built for NICU nursing. But what I'm getting at is the Lord answered my prayer - He very clearly showed me why He gave me such a big heart, such a great capacity to care.

In October one of my friends from high school texted me, and we started chatting. We've been friends for about 6 years now, but there are varying times in our lives when we've made poor decisions and needed space from each other. These texts brought a year and a half of space to a close. Praise the Lord. It has been such a blessing to have this friendship back. When I last needed space from this relationship I had been quite hurt, but I realized, by the grace of God, I have truly been able to forgive him and move forward to love this friend unconditionally, just as the Lord calls each of us to love every person unconditionally. God has gifted me with a great capacity for love, empathy, compassion - these are all things I've known, but I'm seeing them in action, seeing how they affect who I am and how I live my life.

Last week was my last week of clinical. I had a 4 year old as my patient, and she didn't have the best night prior to me caring for her. I was doing her morning care and she told me she had to use the restroom so I was trying to help her get to the bathroom, but she wasn't moving. She just kept lying there... and so I tried a couple of ways to get her up, but she wasn't having it. So I looked at her and asked her if she wanted me to carry her, and she gave the cutest little sad face and nodded her head. So I got us situated so I could carry her and her IV pole and such to the potty, and just step by step helped her do the things she needed to. An hour or so later she perked up and was able to care for herself the rest of my time with her.
I was thinking about this experience as I drove home that day, trying to see Jesus at work in my day. I realized that often times Jesus looks upon us, his children, as I looked upon this child - with love and compassion, and He asks us if we want Him to carry us. Our Lord desires our greater good. He is always ready to forgive. he is always filled with mercy. He is the ultimate example of love, and He loves on us, and cares for us as His little children, as I cared for this little girl.

So I guess my point here tonight is the Lord hears our cry, and He responds. We may not see it in the moment, and it may not be in the way we expect, but He does, and we can hope in that, we can rest easy, knowing and trusting He's got our backs.

It Is Good to Wait on the Lord

Every day is different. However, the desires of my heart remain the same, and the struggle remains. I Face these desires, which I know are good, but struggle to surrender to the Lord and trust in His plan and His timing. I wonder. I wait. I wish.

I keep finding myself saying I wish I could have a big girl job. I wish I could have an apartment of my own. I wish I could own a car. I wish I could have fancy clothes. I wish I was done with nursing school. I wish I was closer to marriage. I wish.... fill in the blank. I struggle with restlessness with where I'm at in my life. I struggle with loneliness. I desire to love and be loved.

This week was good - I knew the Lord was with me. I was centered, I was focused, I was good - I started off the week strong, refreshed, renewed, rejuvenated. And then yesterday hit. I was tired. I knew there were things I needed to do, but I didn't want to do them, so I didn't. I watched way more tv in one day than any normal person should. I then lead myself into a downward spiral of beating myself up, which continued into the majority of today, and rather than facing the feelings, I numbed them and continued to turn to media and wish for an unrealistic love. I questioned and wondered what it might be like if I were to take a break from being Christian, even if just for a day. Finally, this afternoon I turned to the Lord. I read His word. I was vulnerable with Him. He already knew what was going on, but He rewards us for coming to Him for consolation (even if it did take me longer than I would've liked). In my time spent with our Lord today I read a homily on waiting.

I wanted to share with you some of the parts that really stood out to me.

"Waiting is open-ended. Open-ended waiting is hard for us because we tend to wait for something

very concrete, for something we wish to have. Much of our waiting is with wishes: "I wish that I could have a job. I wish that the weather would be better. I wish that the pain would go." We are full of wishes, and our waiting easily gets entangled in those wishes. For this reason, a lot of our waiting is not open-ended. Instead, our waiting is a way of controlling the future. We want the future to go in a very specific direction, and if this does not happen we are disappointed and can even slip into despair. That is why we have such a hard time waiting: we want to do the things that will make the desired events takes pace.

...Mary, Elizabeth and Zechariah were filled with hope. Hope is trusting that something will be fulfilled, but fulfilled according to the promises and not just according to our wishes. Hope is open-ended.

I have found is very important in my own life to let go of my wishes and start hoping. It was only when I was willing to let go of wishes that something really new, something beyond my own expectations could happen to me.

To wait open-endedly is an enormously radical attitude toward life. So is to trust that something will happen to us that is far beyond our own imaginings. So, too, is giving up control over our future and letting God define our life, trusting that God molds us according to God's love and not according to our fear." -Henri J. M. Nouwen

We must wait on the Lord. We must surrender the desires of our hearts to Him. We must wait open-endedly, trusting that His plan, His will are far greater than anything our minds can create. It is good to wait on the Lord, for when we wait with hope in His plan for our life we are most able to follow the narrow path, and to most fully have the desires of our hearts satisfied.

By Your Steadfast Love

Oops - it's been a while since I last posted. Over 2 weeks! In all the hype of exams and school and life this gets set aside. However, the Lord has not ceased in working and I want to share with you a little of what He has been doing. Hmm the Lord is just so good.

I went on a retreat a little of 2 weeks ago called steps to freedom. We trial ran a ministry called unveiled this semester where we dove into sin in our life that really dealt with our sexuality - whether it was our perspective of sexuality, struggle with sexual sin, or past hurts from relationships with guys and gals. So Steps to Freedom was a retreat where we examined 7 different areas of our life and surrendered different sins and hurts to the Lord and asked him to free us.

This past weekend I went on a retreat where we talked about the 2 Kingdoms - the Kingdom of God and the kingdom not of God but rather of this world, of satan . We talked about how the world (the environment around us, fashion, media, etc), the flesh (ourselves, our own desires), and the devil (his lies, his tactics) affect us and pull us away from the world. We then had an opportunity to pray with small groups. We all have a small group that we meet with every other week throughout the semester. And so we had an opportunity to surrender to the Lord an area that we saw needed particular work and healing, and so we each prayed our own prayer asking the Lord to come into that area, but had a handful of men or woman (gender specific small groups) praying with us and for as we prayed our own prayer.

Last week was a rough week. I had recently taken 2 exams and didn't do well on either of them. On one of them I received the lowest grade ever in my life. That was hard to stomach, hard to accept. I sobbed for an hour after I saw my grade. I wanted to quit, to give up on nursing school. That happened on Wednesday. It took me a solid 2 hours to pull myself together after seeing my score, and a lot of encouragement from 2 of my dear friends and my dad. I proceeded to use every numbing technique in the book so I wouldn't have to think about it, and tried to just bury this feeling of failure. So for 2 days I watched endless hours of Gilmore Girls on netflix, ate comfort food, hid in my room, scrolled pinterest, fell into the temptation of a heavy sin I struggle with and have to effortly fight to combat, and used painting and wine drinking to try and help me relax and keep my mind off of this feeling of being a failure.

Come Thursday night I was walking to women's night and my brain started spinning with endless thoughts of you're a failure, you suck, you're a terrible sinner, you're a horrible person, you're never going to be good enough, you shouldn't be a bible study leader - you haven't invested in these women an shown them you care, you shouldn't mentor high school students you're too great of a sinner.. Once I snapped out of this  cycle of thoughts I approached the Lord in honesty, in vulnerability and I told him 'Lord I don't even want to ask your forgiveness because I feel like I don't deserve it.'

Friday I had made plans to go to confession, so I went. While I was waiting for my turn I was reflecting on my examination of conscience and I recalled Thursday night. I recalled specifically that thought - 'Lord I don't even want to ask your forgiveness because I feel like I don't deserve it.' And I had this feeling of I don't want to confess that... and that I was like pause - wait... the mere fact that I don't want to confess this means I definitely need to.

So it was my turn, I go into the confessional, make my confession (via my list) and I paused for a moment and confessed that thought - Lord I don't even want to ask your forgiveness because I feel like I don't deserve it.' As soon as I said that the priest says Ah that's the problem (or something to that effect) and he goes on about how I've fallen into a pit of darkness and satan's kind of got me on a hamster wheel just running and running and running... which makes so much sense in hindsight because my biggest complaint was that I was just so tired, and not just physically but spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. But then the priest progresses to say you don't need to do anything to be made worthy. Simply because God created you, you have worth. It was something I'd heard 100 times over, but I needed to hear it from a priest. At the end he encouraged me to never ever give up, to always keep fighting. And left me with a penance to go before our Lord (who was exposed in the monstrance) and let the Lord embrace me.

I walked out of the confessional trembling, shaking, exhilarated, relieved. I knelt down in a pew and collapsed before our Lord. I saw myself collapsing onto his lap in agony, in repentance, in sorrow, and he simply tells me my child, my child I love you. And the Lord consoled me. He loved me, and I just let him love me. I didn't fight or resist it, but just allowed him to embrace me for the first time in a very, very long time.

A few hours later I left for retreat. Saturday night when we were praying with our small groups I surrendered restlessness and loneliness, 2 of my greatest struggles. I asked for grace to combat the lie that I'm not good enough and never will be good enough, and to combat the lie that God's love isn't enough for me.

After small groups had finished praying we were singing praise to the Lord and we were singing a song that had a line about the Lord being everything. And I realized in that moment how much the Lord loved.. loves me, how he truly satisfies my every need, my every longing. I realized our God is a living God, and lives and reigns in me. I can have peace in knowing that He is my King and He has a plan. I have no need to be restless, for I can rest in Him. I have no need to be lonely, for He is with me always. He has provided for my every need thus far, why would He not provide for every need from here on out?

What I have most taken away from this, and what I hope you may take away from this is that the Lord is faithful, he is steadfast in his love for each of his children. Each of us worth simply by the fact He created us.

The Lord's faithfulness is a protecting shield. Psalm 91:4 

Lessons in Love

I want to write this - I want to write so bad, but it's one of those times when I sit here just staring at the blank screen trying to put to words the workings in my heart.

Each day, each week I am learning more about what it means to do what I want to do - nursing, specifically pediatrics. I loved OB nursing, but I feel at home in peds nursing. I am more comfortable and confident than ever before in a nursing field. This week I had a unique patient whose story I can't share do to HIPAA, but we were reading his history and he has spent most of his life in the hospital - as many of these kids on my unit do {hematology (blood) and oncology (cancer)}. So there was a lot to his case, and there were situations where I kept asking myself what would I have done if I were the nurse in that situation... and I didn't come up with an answer. I did; however, catch myself with very judgmental thoughts only for us to have a guest speaker tell us her own story. It opened my eyes to a world unknown to me. A world where girls are raped as young as 5 years old and given recreational drugs at 7. Who lived on the streets, who worked as prostitute - a girl born into the drug culture. And this woman sat before us as an open book. She laid out her life's story before us. She's been clean/sober for 10 years now. And as she told us her story she said the one thing she wanted us to take away with us is unconditional love. She said the best thing we can do for our patients is to love them unconditionally. We don't know their story. I sat and listened with tears in my eyes. This woman before me who was so broken - who was vulnerable with us - and her vulnerability changed my life. I felt guilty, for judging my patients family this week. I felt gratitude for the multitude of blessings I have received. And my heart broken for the multitude of people in this world who have stories similar to hers.

Since this summer I have learned more and more what it means to love unconditionally. As a
camp counselor for middle school girls I had to learn how to love them despite what I may feeling. I didn't feel like loving them - I physically didn't feel good, how was I supposed to love these girls? And our love languages, well... they didn't quite match up. It was a battle. I had to choose to love them. For once I actually experienced love being a choice. The Lord placed these children of his in my care, and I had to choose to care for them, choose to love them.

I have had to learn how to love myself unconditionally. I can't just love myself if I meet certain requirements (weight, appearance, level of success, amount of money, work, service, etc). I have had to learn to surrender to the Lord in a new way, and found new freedom in that. I have learned that I need to choose to accept the mercy the Lord offers me each moment.

Lastly, I have learned the importance of sharing the love of Christ with my patients - not by preaching with words, but with the way I care for them, the way I talk to them, the attention I give them. My little guy this week lifted my heart and brought me joy - we played peek-a-boo and other ridiculous games that you only do with children. I loved on him and he soaked up every minute of it.
He needed a little TLC, but the thing is - every patient in the hospital needs a little TLC.. you're not on this earth for you... you're not here for you. You are here for something so much more, in a world that is so much larger than yourself - but that is something most overlooked in this world. So I want to leave you with this message a friend sent me this week that reminded me of the power of the work I will one do, of the work the Lord is preparing me to do for all my life. It is long, but I really encourage you to read it all the way through.


Yesterday I overheard a nursing student snark, "yeah, this is why I'm in nursing school - so I can pass trays." And if I hadn't been up to my eyeballs in other things to do for my patients, I would have stopped and said: You've already missed the point entirely. I'm not sure why you DO think you're here. If you hope to be a good nurse (or coworker, or person with a heart), you're going to spend the majority of your working life doing things you SO mistakenly think are beneath you. You are going to pass trays with a smile - excitement even, when your patient finally gets to try clear liquids. You will even open the milk and butter the toast and cut the meat. You will feed full-grown adults from those trays, bite by tedious, hard-to-swallow bite. You will, at times, get your own vital signs or glucoscans, empty Foley bags and bedside commodes without thinking twice. You will reposition the same person, move the same three pillows, 27 times in one shift because they can't get comfortable. You will not only help bathe patients, but wash and dry between the toes they can't reach. Lotion and apply deodorant. Scratch backs. Nystatin powder skin folds. Comb hair. Carefully brush teeth and dentures. Shave an old man's wrinkled face. Because these things make them feel more human again. You will NOT delegate every "code brown," and you will handle them with a mix of grace and humor so as not to humiliate someone who already feels quite small. You will change ostomy appliances and redress infected and necrotic wounds and smell smells that stay with you, and you will work hard not to show how disgusted you may feel because you will remember that this person can't walk away from what you have only to face for a few moments. You will fetch ice and tissues and an extra blanket and hunt down an applesauce when you know you don't have time to. You will listen sincerely to your patient vent when you know you don't have time to. You will hug a family member, hear them out, encourage them, bring them coffee the way they like it, answer what you may feel are "stupid" questions - twice even - when you don't have time to. You won't always eat when you're hungry or pee when you need to because there's usually something more important to do. You'll be aggravated by Q2 narcotic pushes, but keenly aware that the person who requires them is far more put upon. You will navigate unbelievably messy family dramas, and you will be griped at for things you have no control over, and be talked down to, and you will remain calm and respectful (even though you'll surely say what you really felt to your coworkers later), because you will try your best to stay mindful of the fact that while this is your everyday, it's this patient or family's high-stress situation, a potential tragedy in the making. Many days you won't feel like doing any of these things, but you'll shelve your own feelings and do them the best you can anyway. HIPAA will prevent you from telling friends, family, and Facebook what your work is really like. They'll guess based off what ridiculousness Gray's Anatomy and the like make of it, and you'll just have to haha at the poop and puke jokes. But your coworkers will get it, the way this work of nursing fills and breaks, fills and breaks your heart. Fellow nurses, doctors, NPs and PAs, PCAs, unit clerks, phlebotomists, respiratory therapists, physical and occupational therapists, speech therapists, transport, radiology, telemetry, pharmacy techs, lab, even dietary and housekeeping -- it's a team sport. And you're not set above the rest as captain. You will see you need each other, not just to complete the obvious tasks but to laugh and cry and laugh again about these things only someone else who's really been there can understand. You will see clearly that critical thinking about and careful delivery of medications are only part of the very necessary care you must provide. Blood gushing adrenaline-pumping code blue ribs breaking beneath your CPR hands moments are also part, but they're not what it's all about. The "little" stuff is rarely small. It's heavy and you can't carry it by yourself. So yes, little nursling, you are here to pass tray

Love Just One

If you can't feed 100 people, feed just one. 

-Mother Teresa

I had a conversation with a friend the other day about the state of our world. Here's a script of our conversation. 

"He is amazing" my friend (talking about the boy I babysit) 

"I know! Ah kid's resilience and strength blow my mind" me

"They think they can do anything, so they do!"

Exactly! They've never been told or experienced anything different, so why would they act any different?

I wish people in this world would see that and quit discouraging kids at such a young age. 

Ah I know! But in a world where all that matters is self-gain this is unfortunately going to be an issue. 

It sucks our world has to be this way. 

In this conversation I was convicted of this: It does suck that our world has to be that way - that kids get discouraged, that it's a world all about self-gain, but there is hope! We are the ones who can change it by the way we carry ourselves, by the way we treat people, by the way we raise our kids, etc. 

I was on a retreat this weekend, and surrendered to the Lord many areas of my life and heart that I had just buried. Past hurts, past wounds that I started to just suppress. The desires of my heart, the actions, and seeing so many ways I am imperfect, but surrendering all of them to the Lord and accepting the mercy Christ offers us. Leaving this retreat we had a conversation about where to go from here. We were impacted, we found so much freedom in this 'spring cleaning' of our hearts - how can we carry this into our lives? How can we seek to more fully share the freedom the Lord desires to give us with the people around us?

Love them. Love them unconditionally. Love them selflessly. Love them with all that you have and all that you are. Show a genuine interest in them. I so often get so overwhelmed by the hurt of people in this world. If I had to pick one thing I am most passionate about it would be love - or the lack of it in this world. The number of people who go around believing they're a hopeless case, they're worthless, they lack dignity, they lack value - the number of people in this world who experience these feelings break my heart - and I wish I had the love in the world to give to each person, to let each person know they are loved. But alas, that is not  possible - so what to do?

Love. Just. One. 

Mother Teresa said if you can't feed 100 people, feed just one. We can make an impact in this world by loving the people around us, by loving just one person, by showing a genuine interest in them. My friend recently told a story about having a conversation with one of her classmates and showing a genuine interest in his life and how shocked he was by her asking these questions, seeking answers. She impacted that person. She let him know he is loved by at least one person in this world. 

I am thoroughly convinced that the smallest gift of love from each of us can positively impact the world. We may not see the difference, we may not see the change, but the impact is real. The impact is there. 

Comparison: Problematic or Avenue of Grace?

I had a simulation lab for school today. With these it's a learning technique - we play role of nurses more or less independently, with a mannequin who is having a complication. Today was for my pediatrics class and I had one earlier in my semester for my ob class. These are great learning opportunities from a nursing perspective, but I took more than increased nursing knowledge away from this experience.

Today as we were going through the lab I was subconsciously comparing the whole situation to my experience with my OB rotation. Recently, I have been reflecting a lot on this struggle I have with comparing myself to people around me. This situation lead to a realization that as human beings I think we have a tendency to compare ourselves to others. I was comparing to different situations and scenarios today, granted they were put on by two different professors, but both professors had an overall similar goal - for it to be a learning experience. But in my opinion, one group did better than the other. Anyway - I compared the two experiences, subconsciously throughout the entire time - even the prep work was compared. I'd say I even went into today with a slightly negative attitude because of my last experience with simulation lab.

I fall a lot into the game of comparison. It's a constant daily battle. I want everyone to like me, to love I think I fall short. Granted, I am imperfect, and undeserving of all the love God offers, but by his grace, by the blood of the cross I am made worthy, I am healed, I am redeemed, I have dignity and find my identity as his daughter. Which is why the whole comparison and seeing my short comings in such a negative light is problematic.
me... I am a people pleaser. I want to make sure everyone feels included and knows they're loved. I am hyper aware of my surroundings. I always know what's going on. And sometimes being hyper-aware is helpful, and other times not so much. When it comes to comparing myself to others it's often the latter- not so helpful. It's easy for me to compare myself to the appearance of other women and think 'I wish I was that skinny' or 'I wish my hair looked like hers' or 'I love her outfit, man I look like crap today...' etc. The list could go on forever. It's all negative. I look at others and compare myself and see only where

I think I will always compare myself to others and varying situations to each other because that's a way we learn. What matters is what we do with the comparison, our reaction to the differences. In my nursing situation it was good because it was two different situations that provided me with the opportunity to offer my professor better feedback. I didn't just dwell in the suckiness of it - I found a resolution and an action to take!

Comparison becomes a problem when we dwell in the negativity. When we listen to the accusatory lies of satan - saying we're not good enough, we're not loved enough, we need those shoes or that coat or a significant other to be complete. It becomes problematic when we believe the lie that Jesus is not
enough. When comparison causes these things then the quote "comparison is the thief of joy" stands true because we spend more time dwelling in the negative and lies than in the truth and love and light of Christ.

As I've been growing and exploring these areas I've learned three key points:

1. It's a learning experience
   
2. Be patient with yourself
3. Change takes time.

Fake It 'Til You Make It ??

I started my 3rd clinical rotation today for pediatrics at Nationwide Children's Hospital. I'm super excited to see how I like this facet of the nursing field! I was doing some reflecting on my past clinical experiences so far, and made interesting discovery.

Often times, I feel like an incompetent idiot, so I hold back - I don't ask questions, and I don't take initiative. I am typically afraid of screwing up and harming someone. Part of that has to do with the reality that being a nurse has a lot of pressure to it - people's lives are in your hands. That's kind of a big deal. Today, as we went over orientation stuff, we were told for charting we will sign our notes, etc as such: A.Super S.N. Capital University. That causes us to take ownership of who we are and what we're doing. Reflecting on my past experiences instructors have tended to say something to the effect of well with where you are in the program we don't expect x of you. They kind of minimized our skill level, in a sense. Now granted, our skill set is rather slim, but there's a lot to be learned, but if we're not receiving confidence in our abilities from our instructors it's going to be that much harder to be confident in ourselves.

I realized at the end of my OB rotation that I didn't take initiative at all. I didn't take ownership of my education. I didn't seek to get as much out of this opportunity as I could have. Part of that is my fault, part of that is various instructors. Today my instructors made me feel like I have competency to do things.. because it's not just about technical skills, there are people skills involved, and pediatrics requires lots of people skills. And it's hard to walk into a patient's room, knowing your incompetence and trying to be confident in who you are and what you're doing. So they say fake it til you make it.

But this doesn't apply to just school - this applies to our lives, and to living out our faith, to being a joyful, loving daughter of God, to being Christ to each person I encounter. It's easy to be a Christian to our friends who are Christian, and to not make our faith as big of a deal with our school friends or work friends (not church friends), though really Christ should be integrated into every aspect of our lives.

I picked 'fake it 'til you make it' as the title for this blog because so often we hear this phrase. I know I've heard it given in various talks regarding living out our faith... but I realized that faking it til I make it actually just presents an opportunity for me to put on a mask. I lead a bible study with a dear friend, and last week when we met it was a little rough for me. I was in midterms. I was stressed. I was tired. I didn't really want to go, to love. But I took a photo and posted a cutesie picture on instragram saying how bible study makes my week - which is absolutely 100% true, it's my favorite part of every Monday, even on a day when it was hard. But the thing is - I put on a mask. I hid how I was feeling, and posted on social media to seek validation based on how many likes I got. I'm really good at doing that - seeking validation through media.. And granted, faking it til you make it can be of benefit, but it shouldn't be the only thing we're doing.

In order to make it, we need to be confident in who we are and whose we are. We need people who build us up, encourage us, call us out, and lead us on. So don't fake it to every person you meet. Be real with people (at least some) because if people know you are struggling they can build you up, they can encourage, and they can help you build confidence.

In order to be a good nurse or to be a good Christian you need to be confident in who you are and what you're doing. You need to be courageous in order to stand up for your faith, to advocate for your patients. So don't just fake it til you make it, please... I beg of you. Find a trusted friend, a mentor, someone who will help you, who will build you up, who will you become the person you were created to be.

Bringing Light to the Darkness

I recently made a decision to bring to the light an area of darkness in my life. Here in Columbus we started a new women's ministry that deals with sin in the area of sexuality for women - and to bring about healing in this area where so many women have been wounded because of the ways of this world. And I didn't want to do this. I avoided it and literally at the last minute ended up doing it. The group was planning to meet for the first time 8 am Sunday morning and I emailed Saturday asking if there was a way for me to do this this semester. Clearly, the Lord wanted me to do this.

In September we had One Gospel. It's an event put on by St. Paul's Outreach, a ministry I have been involved in for some time now. And we had guest speaker Deacon Ralph Poyo. He's awesome. And he closed talk with a statement saying it doesn't hurt to share his story. He was sexually assaulted as a young child and travels the country sharing his story and the love of God and His healing power in his life. It's truly a gift. Anyway, he said it doesn't hurt when he shares his story anymore and my mind was blown by that. I wanted that. I wanted healing to the point that my heart didn't sting a little when I shared my own story because with my own conversion story I was wounded along the way from a relationship and 5 years later I was still hurting from it sometimes. But the thing was - I was not dealing with this hurt, instead, I was suppressing and burying it.

Finally on that Saturday night something snapped in me that motivated me to take action. I knew this ministry was being offered and I needed it, but I was not wanting to accept this truth.

Praise God for his faithfulness and steadfast love!

Since I started this new chapter in my life, since I brought light to this area of my life I was suppressing and burying I have experienced a new found freedom. Today, I was reflecting on questions for this weeks chapter and I realized I am far more broken than I thought I was. But I also realized Christ's victory. I want to share a few snippets of what has been important to me so far in this journey.

These are just different portions of the readings:

The making of comparison is dangerous for a Christian. We need silence to be able to touch souls. But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have become near by the blood of Christ, for He is our peace. Christ reconciled God and made to be one community in peace through the cross. Understanding your identity in Christ is absolutely essential for your success at living a victorious Christian life. No person can consistently behave in a way that's inconsistent with the way he perceives himself. What matters more is not what others say or think of you but what God says and thinks of you. We have to learn how to renew our minds. I have to choose to believe the promise of God and to let these truth permeate my heart. We have trouble learning how to go to the true Comforter as our only source of comfort. I need to abide in who I am in Christ; abide in Him who abides in me. God fully restores me and welcomes me back with open arms. Jesus is always, always, always enough for me. Jesus Christ is victorious. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. When we know we are and whose we are, we receive the peace of Christ and in that peace, from knowing our identity, our hearts and minds are guarded, are protected because we are immersed in Christ's love and mercy. Because of who my Father is I have authority and power in my life to choose to believe the truth that I am God's daughter, his beloved, and his love is enough for me. 

This is just a tidbit of the truth God is beginning to teach me. I am ever thankful for his faithfulness, for his steadfast love, and for his mercy. As I was chatting with a friend about this she suggested memorizing a few verses that you can say in moments when it is hard so that you continue to bring light to the area when you do struggle. So I want to close with those 3 verses.

1. I have been established, anointed, and sealed by God. 2 Cor 1:21-22
2. I am confident that the good work God has begun in me will be perfected Phil 1:6
3. I may approach God with freedom and confidence Eph 3:12

The Moments I Question

I was just spending my afternoon avoiding doing school work because I know I have a full day of it tomorrow, and just can't take in more information right now nor think about one of my classes because it elicits so much frustration. So instead I scrolled facebook and I found this video http://sfglobe.com/?id=14971&src=share_fb_new_14971

And by the end I was sobbing. In order to understand the rest of this post you'll have to watch the video.

For school I'm in my ob gyn rotation. I spent the last 2 weeks on a labor and delivery unit - so I've seen 3 births. And we talked about death in our ob lecture as well. As I watched this video I thought of it mainly from the nurses stand point. I have loved labor and delivery more than I thought I would. It brings me so much joy to welcome new life into this world, and a nice perk is the independence these nurses have - which is just good for me I think... I do best when my tasks and roles are crystal clear and that is most definitely the case on a labor and delivery unity. So I have this hope, this dream now to one day be an OB nurse. But as I watched this video - during the labor they showed glimpses of the mom sobbing while she was laboring and birthing her child - they didn't know how long he would live, how much time they would have with their son. And I tried to imagine how I would be a nurse for a patient in those shoes. How would I maintain professionalism? The answer - I don't know if I could - I think that in cases like this I would cry with my patient. My heart ached physically for this family and I don't know them. I cannot imagine what I would do in a real life situation.

However, the reality is that in any field of nursing there is death and dying, there is suffering, there is hurt - and as a nurse you are the advocate, the caregiver, counselor and so much more. You have a unique relationship with your patient. And my heart is filled with compassion and empathy. Caring is the one thing I am really really good at. That's why I wanted to be a nurse. That's it. My main deciding factor, my main motivation is that I wanted to be able to help other people, to care for other people. What better to do that than nursing? And the reality is that I will hurt with my patients. I will get attached to a patient and be cold for some time until I heal again and it'll repeat. Whatever field of nursing you're in, you will be impacted by your patients and you will have patients that you will never forget. And you'll cry with your patients and you'll laugh with your patients..

But the moments where I place myself in the shoes of the nurse caring for the mother of this video - those moments when I cry over a video telling a story of someone else's experience I question and I doubt whether or not I am cut out for this. I question whether I can do this. But I think that if we didn't question whether or not we could do this, we wouldn't be in the field for the right reasons. I think moments where we question and doubt we're allowing ourselves to be human, and to be reminded why we want to do what we want to in the first place. And this can really be applied to anything - nursing, teaching, marriage, etc.

Today I was reminded why I want to do what I want to do, and today I'm going to let it give me strength to endure the challenges placed before.

Everyone Has it Together, Except Me

Have you ever been to a conference, a retreat, a youth group night, where someone gives a talk about the Call to Holiness each of us has, and leave feeling like a complete failure?

Yeah, me too. It seems we hear these talks repeatedly and sometimes - when you feel like you're doing well - you're like YEAH this is awesome!! So true! God is so good! etc... Other times -when struggling with your faith - you're like uh yeah, I've heard this, but I just can't seem to do it, to get there, to be at that point. And we find it frustrating and actually take it out on the person giving the talk (in our heads that is...)

Over the last week or so I've read these gospel passages that have a similar theme, similar plot line and 3 important lessons. Mt 20:1-16, Mt 21:28-32, and Lk 15:11-32, and for good measure, from the Old Testament: Ezekiel 18: 25-28. I encourage to look up these verses and spend time reading & reflecting on them.

A big overarching common theme we see is someone who turns from the Lord (or a metaphorical character representing God), or say no to his desire, but in the end they return, they choose the Lord, they say yes to God. And from these parables there are 3 take aways.

1. God's mercy and readiness to forgive.
In Luke the Father see the lost son returning from far away and begins to run towards him to embrace him, to greet him, fully ready to welcome him back into the royal family - giving a robe and throwing him a party. The Father (God) greets the lost son (us) already having forgiven him and showing him unconditional love. The Father does this for us - we are his girls; his daughters.

In Mt 20 we see God's mercy. The owner of the vineyard gave the same pay to the men who worked 8 hours as he did to the ones who worked 1 hour. In this way his mercy is shown, particularly to those men who looked all day and found none, until this owner took them in and cared for them. We search endlessly through things of this world working to be fed, to be sustained, and the Lord has mercy on us, and gives us what we need.

In Mt. 21 we see a son who tells the father, no I will not go do as you ask(aka I will not be obedient). However, the son later changes his mind and does the work of the Father. This is us. This is me at some point every day. This morning I sat back in my bed to pray, and I knew it was a bad idea today. I knew I should have sat at my desk, but I didn't listen to my body and I sat back in my bed so I fell asleep praying and then my morning got thrown off because I fell back asleep during my prayer and ended up being late (or rather right on time...) for clinical this morning. We all have moments throughout our day where the Lord gives us little nudges to choose him - we also have big moments, like breaking up with a significant other and knowing we should do it for a long time but choosing not to because we fear the unknown. But the thing is God is a god of mercy and compassion. In this passage it says tax collectors and prostitutes are making it into the Kingdom of Heaven - why is that? Because they eventually recognize their wrong and change their mind, change their path and follow the Lord (see Lk 7:36-50).

2. His patience with his children. 
In each of these, especially the 1st and 3rd, there is a time of God waiting for the child to return, to realize their error and return to him. This is because God gave us free will. And he is patient with us, in waiting for us to realize his goodness and choose his will, his way - to come to know He is the way, the truth, and the life

3. He is victorious!
On Sunday I was talking with some women about why the Lord allows some bad things to happen, and why he lets sin happen especially in certain areas of life. And our discussion ended with the fact that if He allows us to fall here, then he must be victorious over it. He would not have given us free will here if he were not greater than the darkness we are fighting.

So have hope! Have courage! have faith! have confidence in our God! Start small. Be patient with yourself, and those around you. Trust in his victory from the cross & resurrection.

I started this off talking about those moments when we feel like a complete failure in regards to living our faith, and then I went on talking about ways to combat the challenges we face. I don't point these things out because I'm perfect at them...I'm not. I make mistakes. I still struggle. I slept through my morning prayer time today - I fall. The people who we hear give talks, they fall, I'm sure of it. Dust yourself off, pick yourself back up, and get back on the bandwagon. Perhaps you phone a friend, Jesus didn't go at it alone - he had the apostles. The apostles didn't go at this alone, they had each other - and the many other disciples (followers) of Jesus. He doesn't expect you to go at it alone. Take it day by day. It comes with time. Daily prayer is a daily battle. Living virtue is a daily battle. God is merciful, he is compassionate. He is patient. He is victorious. Praise be!

Women: For or Against Each Other?

This past week has been so good - seeing the fruit of God working in my life and the community He has blessed me with. On Thursday we had our women's night kick-off and we spent the night hanging out and chatting about why we need women's community, what it looks like, and a game plan for how we want it to impact our lives. I was blown away, to say the least. I was in a house full of countless women. I don't know how many were there, but there were so many new faces, and it was truly a beautiful thing and a gift to be able to see all these women - desiring and searching for the same thing.

These pictures above are of the notes we took when our small groups joined as a big group and we talked about what our small groups shared. I figured posting the pictures would be easier than me trying to type them all out. 

One of the things my group talked about was how in our culture women tend to compete. And Laura, one of the girls in our group brought up how sometimes we want to scream to other women that we are all on the same team! So often we see on television and in media news that these women are competing - who's the most beautiful, who's the most thin, who has the best hair, best skin, best sense of style, who can get more guys. We see this idea where girls are friends with each other because they think the other is pretty. Relationships are superficial. They don't go beyond a certain point because we're all competing in order to be the most successful woman - to be the woman who does it all. 

But that is NOT what we are called to! 

As women, we actually need each other. We need to build each other up, We need to help each other see their worth, their dignity, their value. We need each other to teach other that our identity is rooted in Christ. Women understand each other in a way that men do not.... men don't experience PMS, they don't experience emotions in the same way women do, they don't think the same way women do, they don't view the world in the same way women do. In order to be understood, in order to understand ourselves sometimes - we need our sisters. We need other women to point out our beauty when we can't see the beauty that is within us. And we need other women to call us on in holiness. We need women who can point out to us that we shouldn't wear that shirt or those pants because it doesn't reflect our worth. We need women to say we shouldn't talk about a sister that way because it's not up building the community. We need sisters to tell us they are proud of us for making a decision in order to better our lives. 

I wanted to write this to echo what we talked about in my community. To call on each of us to love the women in our lives, to see the beauty of those relationships, the fruit that comes from them. Most of all to invite you to join in this journey with me - and the women in this world to put an end to this competitive nature so we don't have to be so concerned with what is going to be said about us, but can know and trust our sisters are going to love us and treat us with the dignity and worth that is within each of us. With these relationships we can find healing, we can find truth. We can be free to open the wounds, to bring to light the baggage we hold within our hearts that we're ashamed to seek healing from  - and find freedom to become the saints the Lord is calling us to be. I want to close with a quote one of the mission leaders shared with us Thursday night - 

To become a saint is to become more fully yourself, more fully who God created you to be. 

the women I am blessed to share life with

Musings of a Twenty-somethings Heart&Mind

Life is good.

For maybe the first time in my adult life I am 100% (okay maybe 99%) confidant that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I love every second of every single thing I am doing. Praise be to God! 

So what have I been doing?

1. Nursing school - I'm in my obgyn/pediatrics rotation, and I absolutely love it. For the last 3 weeks I spent 12 hours each week on a mother infant unit - learning all about newborns and caring for them and their moms. Starting next week I'll spend 3 weeks on labor and delivery learning about the process of giving birth to a child. Then in mid-October I'll be spending 8 hours a week at Children's learning about the care of a pediatric patient. I'm excited, to say the least. 
   
2. Bible study - on Monday's I'm leading a bible study on OSU's campus with a beautiful woman and sister in Christ, Nicole. We tag team to bring Christ and invite women into the blessed community we have found here, and we do it through scripture. 
3. Babysitting - I babysit a 2 and 3 year old for 12 hours a week, spread over
   
   3 days. I love them, Samantha (2) is the cutest thing. She always says "I want Amber" or she'll walk up to you and say "I wanna hold you" and you just can't say no to that... And Nick, he took about 3 months to warm up to me, but now he asks to sit on my lap, and stuff like that. It's the best thing, and a highlight to my day each week. 
1. Nick is currently painting, he asked for a piece of paper to use as a fan to dry his painting, it's the cutest thing. 
2. and a quote for the day: 
1. "What does blue and yellow make?" Nick "Green." me "Oooohhh." Nick 
3. Last week, the kids & their fam went to New York, and I got a text from Megan one day with a quote from Sam "I want to see Amber" Megan & Paul were telling the kids who they were going to see that night. 
4. Cooking - I made a wonderful chicken corn chowder (recipe)and reheated it in the microwave to eat. Since I'm too busy to be able to make dinner each night, this works better. I also made banana muffins(recipe) and that was probably one of my best ideas - they were a wonderful 'grab&go' snack. I also baked my famous red velvet cookies, they're my favorite - and are frequently requested for group gatherings. 
5. All the wonderful friends I have + catching up after long summers away! I met my friend Caitlin for mass & lunch - we were together for 4 hrs. A few days later I spent an evening ->into the night, with a dear friend, Maggie - and we spent 4 hours together too. I also have several friends serving outside of the great state of Ohio so I keep up with them through letters, emails, and phone calls. I heard from many of them recently - such life-giving conversations
6. Formation: small group & mentor - a new year means so many new things -  and this year, for me, it meant a whole new small group and formation leader. I met with both my mentor and small group on Friday and it was wonderful! I am so excited for my relationships with these women and to see how the Lord works in and through each of us. 
7. Love, relationships, & the like - for the first time, maybe ever, I find myself quite content where I'm at in my life relationally (romantically...) I obviously would love to be in a relationship, since my ultimate dream is to be a wife & mother, but I'm learning not to rush, and to embrace the time I have being single. 
8. The Piano Guys - I discovered them today. I'm obsessed. So obsessed. Listen to them, you won't regret it. 
9. Prayer - God is good. He knows our hearts, he knows our needs. He has taught me so much in the last 6 weeks, and it has been so good. If I had to summarize it I'd say He has reminded me where I've come from and how far I've gone, he has romanced my heart - and drawn me closer to him, even in times of doubt. 
   
10. Toms. I ordered new toms, they should be at my house when I get home today, and I am so excited! check them out! I can't wait to wear them! 
11. I really wanted to stop at 10 because that's an even number, but there's one big thing that I'm so excited about and grateful for! Test anxiety! I, at the end of my summer semester, realized I had a little bit (or a lot) of test anxiety, so I began meeting with a professor on campus who works with students who have test anxiety, I took my first exam on Monday and I got an 85 on the exam - which may not sound great to many people - but I was through the roof about it! I had been working so hard on a variety of things - including relaxation techniques and studying really hard and playing with my study methods - and praise be to God my hard work paid off!