Often times, I feel like an incompetent idiot, so I hold back - I don't ask questions, and I don't take initiative. I am typically afraid of screwing up and harming someone. Part of that has to do with the reality that being a nurse has a lot of pressure to it - people's lives are in your hands. That's kind of a big deal. Today, as we went over orientation stuff, we were told for charting we will sign our notes, etc as such: A.Super S.N. Capital University. That causes us to take ownership of who we are and what we're doing. Reflecting on my past experiences instructors have tended to say something to the effect of well with where you are in the program we don't expect x of you. They kind of minimized our skill level, in a sense. Now granted, our skill set is rather slim, but there's a lot to be learned, but if we're not receiving confidence in our abilities from our instructors it's going to be that much harder to be confident in ourselves.
I realized at the end of my OB rotation that I didn't take initiative at all. I didn't take ownership of my education. I didn't seek to get as much out of this opportunity as I could have. Part of that is my fault, part of that is various instructors. Today my instructors made me feel like I have competency to do things.. because it's not just about technical skills, there are people skills involved, and pediatrics requires lots of people skills. And it's hard to walk into a patient's room, knowing your incompetence and trying to be confident in who you are and what you're doing. So they say fake it til you make it.
But this doesn't apply to just school - this applies to our lives, and to living out our faith, to being a joyful, loving daughter of God, to being Christ to each person I encounter. It's easy to be a Christian to our friends who are Christian, and to not make our faith as big of a deal with our school friends or work friends (not church friends), though really Christ should be integrated into every aspect of our lives.
I picked 'fake it 'til you make it' as the title for this blog because so often we hear this phrase. I know I've heard it given in various talks regarding living out our faith... but I realized that faking it til I make it actually just presents an opportunity for me to put on a mask. I lead a bible study with a dear friend, and last week when we met it was a little rough for me. I was in midterms. I was stressed. I was tired. I didn't really want to go, to love. But I took a photo and posted a cutesie picture on instragram saying how bible study makes my week - which is absolutely 100% true, it's my favorite part of every Monday, even on a day when it was hard. But the thing is - I put on a mask. I hid how I was feeling, and posted on social media to seek validation based on how many likes I got. I'm really good at doing that - seeking validation through media.. And granted, faking it til you make it can be of benefit, but it shouldn't be the only thing we're doing.
In order to make it, we need to be confident in who we are and whose we are. We need people who build us up, encourage us, call us out, and lead us on. So don't fake it to every person you meet. Be real with people (at least some) because if people know you are struggling they can build you up, they can encourage, and they can help you build confidence.
In order to be a good nurse or to be a good Christian you need to be confident in who you are and what you're doing. You need to be courageous in order to stand up for your faith, to advocate for your patients. So don't just fake it til you make it, please... I beg of you. Find a trusted friend, a mentor, someone who will help you, who will build you up, who will you become the person you were created to be.
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