I tweeted sometime in the last 2 weeks "maybe if I just keep myself busy enough I won't have to deal with my feelings" I've been feeling quite angsty and emotional with failing my class. I felt like a disappoint to my parents. I felt undeserving of love. My brokenness consumed me, the reality of my brokenness consumed me.
I tried all my fix methods. Go for a run. Pray, write angry letters to God. Sleep in, stay up late. Write. Talk it out. Put on a face to people who ask me how I am. Surround myself with people all the time so I don't have to be alone with my thoughts. Read. Paint. Social media numbing... Literally everything that usually makes me feel better I tried... none of it work. I knew I needed to go be in nature - alone with my thoughts, and with my God.
So with my Saturday I got up at 630 and by 710 headed for Old Man's Cave in Hocking Hills. It was just what the doctor ordered. I stepped onto the trail and for the first time since October probably I felt alive. I could breathe again. I hadn't even begun to process what the Lord and I were going to work through, but I was free, free to converse honestly with my Father.
Friday night I was starting to convince myself that I was going to transfer to OSU and change my major to English with a minor in journalism. I was going to become an editor, and write a book. That's important to note for what comes next.
As I began walking I was taking in the beauty around me. I love... LOVE waterfalls, and the sound of water. It's peaceful, powerful, and relaxing all at the same time for me. But soon my path carried me into a steady path where I began to think, and to pray, to tell God what was really going on in this wounded heart of mine (not that He didn't know, but I was holding onto it and needed to surrender it to Him before I would ever come out of this funk).
I'm not okay, and I'm not okay that I'm not okay. I'm not okay with the fact that I failed a class. I'm not okay with the fact that I'll have another semester of school, when I'm already a year behind what I should have been. I'm not okay that my family's not Catholic and don't know God's love and I want to make them know Jesus. I'm not okay with the fact that I'm not in a relationship. I'm not okay that I struggle with a sexual sin and it's a battle everyday for me. I'm not okay that I had to back down from something I had once said yes to. I'm not in control and I'm not okay with the fact that I'm not in control of my life.
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| Cedar Falls Hocking Hills |
But it's okay - it's okay that you're not okay because you are bringing it before the Lord. He blesses our vulnerability. Look around you - God made this palace, and He made it so beautiful. He also made you, and because He made you, He loves you and you have value and worth. He cares for the birds and the bees, how much more must He care for you, His beloved daughter?!
That's a little sample of how my prayer went yesterday. I've always known that I have a desperate need to be in control of every situation. My plan to transfer schools and change my major was most likely a way I was trying to control a situation that I actually have no control over. We like to do Texas Two Step dance nights here and multiple guys have commented on my need to let them lead when we dance... I'm not so good at trusting other people to lead me. I'm not so good at trusting God has a plan for my life.
I read a reflection once on Mary's fiat "be it done unto me according to thy word". In her yes, she is saying "I don't know what all of this means, but I choose to say yes to you God. And then she continues to wait in hope, with expectant faith. Whereas I, and I'm sure many others, say okay God, I surrender all to you, I give you my life. And we wait, or so we think, but actually we're wishing for concrete, specific things to happen. We don't wait with expectant faith and hope but we wish for the Lord to work in the way we plan out for our lives. However, we said yes to the Lord in a moment and He blesses that guess and works with us.
A prominent theme this advent, for me, has been that so long as we are on earth there will be barriers that keep us from fully knowing the Lord, but the Lord wants to overcome those barriers. With that thought coming in the first week of Advent I decided I would pray a rosary every day in Advent for the intention of the Lord purifying my heart. I knew I had barriers that needed to be overcome, but I didn't know what they were. I made this commitment to the Lord in faith. I had no idea what it meant, or what it was going to look like, but I am confident the Lord has taken this leap of faith and vulnerability and ran with it. I know He has been purifying my love: my love for others, and purifying my desire for my future vocation, for the love that will some day be exchanged between my husband and I. I am confidant He is moving in ways to prepare for this vocation I so deeply desire. And I think He took my prayer and brought to light the biggest barrier, holding me back from loving Him freely - my desperate need for control.
And so maybe you're in the same spot I am, or maybe you know someone like me. I feel like I've rambled a bit here, but I also know I wanted to share this experience. The Lord, in His goodness, helps us overcome barriers in our lives, to be able to love Him and serve Him freely.
I want to leave you with thoughts I'd written down after this realization.
"Be still and know I am God" Ps 46:10
The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still. Exodus 14:14
Let go & let God
Just be. Don't do, just be.
The journey of a hike in an unknown area is a lot like the journey of our live. There are fallen tress and rocks to climb over. The path is bumpy in some parts and smooth in others. And there are lots of little surprises along the way, where Jesus lets us know He is with us.
Psalm 145
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