Lessons in Humility

O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, have mercy on us.

For the last month Jesus has been giving me many lessons in humility.

We're gonna go a little backwards tonight, and start at the most recent one, which sparked the inspiration for this post.

School started back up a week ago today, and on Friday I was sitting through my peds lecture. We only meet on Friday, so we went through the syllabus. And as we were going through she said that if a student were to get an 80 or lower on a test they would probably get an email from the professor. My heart dropped to the it of my stomach for the second time of the week, because my other professor for my OB rotation said the exact same thing. After each of them said this they also said to talk to them if you have any known issues. After my summer semester I realized I have some test anxiety... well, more than just "some"... I, in a way, blackout during tests. I will take the exam, but I panic through it (I think), I know I rush through because I don't like them... and after the exam I couldn't tell a single thing that was on the exam. Because of this, I average 76 on exams... I have to keep a 76 test average to pass my classes and remain in my program, and get my degree so I can do what I want to do..

So Friday, after my heart dropped a second time for the week, I knew I had to talk to my professor. I put it off all week. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to admit to a complete stranger that I had a problem.. I knew what her answer would be - to email one of the faculty who works with students with test anxiety and has helped countless students work through their anxiety. I couldn't have asked for the conversation to go better... but after, I was so filled with anxiety I started biting my nails... I haven't bitten my nails in years! Once I realized how anxious I was I began to evaluate what was going on in me... and I realized it was embarrassing, humiliating to tell this strange woman that I had this problem. It was okay to tell my friends, even helpful to tell one of them and talk through it. But to tell my superior, to seek help - that takes courage, and that takes humility.
Lesson #1 - it takes humility to admit you need help, and courage to seek the help you need. 

Now I said this all started about a month ago, lets back track. About a month ago we were heading to Florida for vacation. While we were on vacation I got my intro-dose to humility.. For lent I started going to mass or adoration each day (schedule dictating). Once lent ended I continued this practice. During a retreat in February I had found myself desiring Jesus in the Eucharist more, which lead me to my lenten promise of mass/adoration. And this time built a habit of seeking Jesus in Eucharist. So for several months I had been going to daily mass and adoration on a very regular basis. My prayer life had been good - consistent, fruitful, beautiful. I was making regular confessions. I had been working really hard to combat a particular sin, and was doing well - succeeding in my battle. Everything was good. I felt solid, my foundation seemed firm, and it was... but I was starting to fall into the trap of complacency.

On vacation, the 2 women I went with made a point to go to daily mass and went to adoration one night as well. Meanwhile, I felt a need to take a step back from all of that... those things were a part of my normal, weekly routine, and I needed a break from all of that. It was probably one of the best decisions I made. I was beginning to place myself on a pedestal, to view myself nearing a perfect servant of Christ... hmmm wrong.

By taking a step back, I began to question, I began to wonder why I was doing all the things I do... why I pray, why I go to church, why I believe in God... etc. Plenty of people in the world seem content in their lives without religion... Even after vacation I continued battling these questions. But all it took to find my answer was a conversation with a stranger (essentially), where he found out I was Catholic and asked me why, what made me choose Catholicism.

In all of this, I realized I don't have it all together. I realized I might question, I might struggle, I might fall ...rather I will do all of these things, but that's okay - it's okay because our God is a god of compassion, mercy, and love. He made us out love, and gave his only Son for our redemption, which he had to do because he gave us free will. He gave us the option to choose to love him.

Lesson #2 - I don't have it all together, I doubt & question, but that's okay. 


My last lesson I want to share with you comes from something that has been a battle for me for well.. as long as I can recall. I can't swoop in and be the Savior - fix all my friends who are broken and hurting. It seems I am constantly encountering people in my life who struggle with depression or anxiety in some facet. And my heart's desire, my first inclination is to want to help them - to take away their pain. It breaks me to see those who are broken... And it's always worse when I hear stories where the people aren't being helped in the way they deserve to, they need to. I recently met someone who was broken in a lot of ways... and I wished so bad I could make it better, I could fix it, I could help... I could do something.. anything, to ease the trial this person experienced because of different hurts from different life experiences.. but I couldn't. I had to be reminded that there are problems out there bigger than I .

Lesson #3 - I can't be somebody's savior. That's why Jesus came.