All to You I Freely Give

Last night I heard a talk, like many I had heard before, but it hit me once again. A reminder that I am broken, that I carry chains of shame and fear on my person, and am weighed down. But praise be to God for his mercy, for his sacrificial love. The speaker was Deacon Ralph Poyo, and he travels the country speaking to youth and young adults. And I'd heard him speak before. He openly shares about his past - including sexual abuse and a battle against pornography. At the end of his talk he said one thing that stuck with me more than anything else "I can talk about my past without it hurting anymore"

Wait, what? It doesn't sting in your heart a little when you think about, when you share these past experiences? I was completely taken aback by this - and called on by this. I have a pretty cool story, I guess.... I converted at the age of 15, and have never really looked back, until recently, as I quickly approach my 5 year anniversary of receiving the sacraments. At the age of 15 I was head over heals for a boy, and that played a large role in my relationship with Christ, in my coming to encounter the living God. If it wasn't for this boy I wouldn't have encountered Christ when I did in the ways I did, and I could not begin to express how grateful I am for the experiences I've had. The problem is I speed through telling my story. I love to tell my story because I know it's profound, I know it's unique, and I know people are amazed that I was so young and years later am more love with the Lord than I was when I first started out. But it stings to share aspects of my story...

I think it stings for many reasons. But most of all it hurts me still because I'm holding onto that hurt, I'm not letting the Lord fully heal the wound of my heart because I'm filled with fear. Since coming to know Christ,
I've not lived without this relationship, or the memory of this relationship and the hurt I experienced from the ending of the relationship. I can't fully experience Christ and the love He wishes to pour onto my soul until I can let go, until I can trust that his plan is far greater for me than what I could ever dream for myself. Yet, I hold onto this hurt - I fear what life would be like without it. I also fear forgetting what happened, and the hurt  I experienced, I fear not learning from my past and getting hurt again like I did the first time - falling into an awful, dysfunctional state of depression.

As we were responding to Dcn. Poyo's talk with prayer through praise and worship we sang My Heart is Yours by Kristian Stanfill (listen to it here).

These are the lyrics to the bridge. These words struck me so much. 

All to Jesus I surrender

All to You I freely give
I will ever love and trust You

In Your presence I will live

All to Jesus I surrender - all. Everything. Every last scar, every wound, this hurt, this brokenes that I fear letting go, I surrender. I freely give - when God created us He gave us free will - he made us out of love and for love, and for him. He loves us so much He gave us the free choice to love him or not, though He will ever love us. And the last words, well they're self-explanatory. By giving our hearts to Jesus, by making the conscious choice to try and live our lives for the living God we choose to love him, to trust him, and to strive to live in his presence always. 

So I ask you to join me in thinking about what you are holding onto that causes you to forgo the fullness of love offered to you in Christ. I'm praying for you, that as a community of people, and individuals we may be able to continue to surrender to Christ that which holds you back from more fully knowing his love.