Asking Why

Earlier this week we randomly lost power for several hours. I was gone for most of it, but the last couple hours we were without I was home by myself, in the dark, so I sat by candle light playing solitaire with a deck of cards. My neighbor came out while I was sitting out there and we started chatting (my house is a duplex). In our conversation we got on the topic of religion. I mentioned how I was Catholic and he started asking me questions about why I was Catholic/Christian, what made me choose it, and what made me continue to practice. And I answered him...

But what struck me is that for the first time in a really, really long time someone asked me why I had the religion I did. I am blessed here in Columbus to be surrounded by a beautiful Catholic community that feeds and nurtures my faith, that provides me with a support system, but we don't engage in conversations about why we're Catholic.. we might ask why someone lives in household, or is leading a bible study, or joining a bible study, or why they go to daily mass... but we don't ask simply why someone is practicing their faith.

So I suppose you're wondering what my answer may have been when this guy asked me why I'm Catholic..

Well, I was taken aback by the question, so I thought on it for a few minutes, and uncomfortably stalled saying umm while I gathered my thoughts. Anyway, I talked through my answer - I started off reflecting on how I'm a convert to the faith - I chose the Catholic Church... but really, it chose me.

(best friend in high school)

My best friend in high school asked me to go on a mission trip with her... and that was the first real encounter I'd had with any faith in years. I went back the second year, after struggling through a year of depression, and ups and downs - and God had continued to work in my heart. Soon after my second mission trip (with the help of my current boyfriend), I came to the conclusion that something was missing in my life, and that something was God, and I wanted it, but didn't know how to get it. So I email the youth minister at the parish I'd been placed at by Divine intervention (or chance, however you want to look at it). And he told me I needed to become Catholic and I was like oh, okay - how do we do that? So we set up a game plan. I started RCIA, broke up with my boyfriend (well he broke up with me), questioned why I was doing this - decided it wasn't for boy, but was for me, and next thing I knew, I was Catholic. I was hurting, I was struggling, but I had somewhere to turn.

I mentioned earlier how I struggled through a year of depression and the struggle I faced in that time was not feeling wanted, not feeling loved, not knowing my worth, and most of all not having any place to turn, to call home.. When I encountered Jesus, when I found the Catholic church, when I became a Christian, I finally felt home. I felt more at home in the chapel than I did in my own bedroom and spent my entire life in. 

Why am I still practicing today?

Because I still find Jesus, and the Catholic faith to be my home. Over the last few weeks I had begun questioning and wondering and doubting my faith and why I was doing it? And this guy asked me what made me keep my faith, which reminded me why I picked it in the first place. But today, I was reminded even more so why I am still Catholic - because my heart still finds its home in Jesus. In my questioning the last few weeks I had taken a step back, and there was a few weeks where I didn't go to daily mass at all, which is very unlike me. I went to mass today though, and made a point to go to adoration. I knew I needed to seek Jesus in the Eucharist, and I needed to process my life. When I left adoration, my heart was so full. I was overflowing with peace, joy, and love. I was beyond grateful that Jesus showed me, reminded me, my home is in him, and he is my satisfaction.

So I want to ask you, to challenge you - why are you Christian, why are you Catholic - reflect on this, and to one up this - ask someone else you know why they believe what they believe.

(confirmation)

(baptism)

Wanderlust and Awe

Take me back to that place of wanderlust and awe. Take me home to where my heart belongs, to where my soul is set free, to where my mind can rest. 

Heart heavy with nostalgia, I contemplate the unknowns of my life. I dream of what I want for my life - I think of what I want my future to be and, for once, I am at a loss...the possibilities are endless. But ultimately, ultimately I know I want to love

and to be loved...but how that will unfold is unbeknownst to me. 

I am broken. I know my brokenness, know it well. I want someone who knows brokenness too. A part of me always dreamed of loving someone broken - to whom unconditional love was a mystery. But I realize each person on this earth has yet to fully experience unconditional love because by our human nature, our imperfection, love becomes conditional. Love is started because of a feeling. 

Even those who believe in God, who have a personal relationship with Jesus, who have experienced the love of God are strangers to unconditional love because, due to our imperfect human nature, accepting God's love for us becomes conditional - I'll only believe in God if... 

I close my eyes and I float back to a place of wanderlust and awe. To a place where the world is at my fingertips: the sun & stars are my guide, the wind & water my strength, and my soul is a live & burning fire. 

A Culture Killing Itself

It's another one of those nights where I've set up camp in my bed. Normally I would have a cup of tea in hand, but we're trading out for a glass of water tonight, gotta stay hydrated! A lot has happened in the last 2 weeks since I posted. I went on vacation with two of my close friends, and past roommates. Sarah, who I grew very close with, and I said goodbye to each other Tuesday morning, where I proceeded to sob in my living room for a little while.

But this isn't actually what I want to talk about today. I know I've written about this before, but I wanted to write again on the topic of anxiety and depression. When we got off our plane I checked facebook only to see that Robin Williams, a favorite childhood actor of mine, had passed away. By the time Sarah saw I was passed the shocked stage, and unfortunately my shock stage was very short lived. My shock stage was short lived because it seems every other week or so (literally), I'm finding another friend who struggles with anxiety/depression/etc. Granted, I didn't know Robin Williams personally, as I do these friends, but it is becoming such a common place thing that I'm not shocked anymore when it's in the news that someone committed suicide. That is sad. There are no other words. Mental illness is becoming a thing that consumes our culture. And it is an illness, it is a disease - and one of the few that we don't know a ton about, and one that's very unique to the individual. There is no known cure, no quick fix, no easy solution. It's a day to day journey, a battle. There will be good days, there will be bad days. Yes, there's a suicide hotline, but in the moment, someone who is to the point of attempting suicide is most likely not going to be calling a help hotline.

First - the stigma associated with mental illness needs to stop. Point blank. They are sick just like someone with cancer is sick. They need love, compassion, empathy, encouragement, patience, a listening ear. They do not need someone telling them to snap out of it, or that it's just a phase, or well you just need to be happier. No. No. No. That does not work. A listening ear, a person they can trust is what they need. The thing is, with mental illness, it has to be the struggling persons choice to get help. They may need someone to tell them to get help, and to encourage them to seek professional help, but it won't get better, they won't start healing until it's their choice to treat their illness. And then, that's a whole new journey. A friend of mine had a relative who had been fighting depression for 8 years recently commit suicide. He was going to therapy, he was taking medication, he had a good support system - they never found a regiment that worked for him. It's a disease with a lot of unknowns.

The problem I see with this disease is partially our culture. Our culture causes us to put unnecessary pressure on ourselves to reach an unattainable standard of perfection. For men - it's success, make your way to the top, make the big bucks, own a house, own a fancy car, have lots of women.. For women there's the physical body image - be tall, thin, tan, blonde hair, blue eyes, clear skin - no blemishes, and then there's getting an education & having a career while also getting married, having babies, raising a family with well rounded kids who do 4 different extra curricular activities.. No wonder people are struggling with anxiety, depression, suicide, etc. We're putting so much pressure on ourselves. We're sacrificing our sleep, our bodies need for play and rest, for proper nutrients. And no wonder famous people are struggling too - look at the pressure they have put before them... so no, I wasn't shocked when he died, but was sad, was heartbroken, and was frustrated that this disease got another person.

I could keep going on how I feel about all of this, about how frustrated I am that this is where our culture is going, but I'm going to stop there, and now I want to talk a little bit about my own experience, and what we can do.

I have really bad anxiety, and some level of seasonal depression. I actually black out tests from my mind. I take a test, leave the room, and forget everything on the exam - forget the experience of taking the exam... I basically black out when it comes to taking exams. I let myself get so worked up at the fear of failing that I black out...hmmm, not good. I started having chronic daily headaches almost 2 years ago. I had a chronic

headache for 5 1/2 months. Yep. Anxiety/depression related. I over committed myself, so I over worked myself, sacrificed my body, my sleep - and wound up in excessive amounts of pain for a long period of time. As I mentioned, my depression is more a seasonal thing... winter and I aren't friends. I need the sunshine more than I realized. As I continue to grow, I'm learning this about myself - it's a journey and I don't know all the answers. Anyway, with the depression there are days when it has taken all the energy I have just to make it to the few commitments I may have in a day... and it takes me longer to re-coop too. There was a time in my life, about 6 years ago, where I contemplated suicide - I caught myself and called a friend before it got too far, praise God. but it's a time of my life I will never forget. It's a time I learned a lot from.

That's my personal anecdote with this, but I have also been side by side with many others, and been their person in a time of need. One of my roommates through these college years has chronic depression, one of my best friends through high school had really bad anxiety when she started college that greatly affected our friendship, one of my friends I took to the ER for a panic attack, another friend has a brother with anxiety and post-traumatic stress syndrome from tours in Iraq & Afghanistan, high school girls (multiple) who I was a mentor to this year fight a battle or have a family who fight a battle with this. So what have I seen, learned, experienced that worked.

Patience and love. In my darkest days, I felt so unloved and unwanted that I didn't see the point to my life. I felt no one would notice if I was gone - so love. Checking in on a friend, especially if they have confided in you with this struggle, and you haven't heard from them in a while. If you know they're having  bad day and one thing that might make it bearable is for someone to cook them dinner and cuddle with them while watching a movie, then make that a priority, and make sure they know they're loved. If you know they feel loved when they get a letter, make a point to write them a letter on a regular basis. Learn how they experience love, learn what makes them know they are loved, and try to do that for them.

Patience. We absolutely must be patient. It's easy to get frustrated when a person is telling you about the same problem over and over again, and you tell them what they need to do, but they refuse to do it - do not back out on them. They need you. They need you to keep telling them to do this. Eventually it will sink in.

And be patient. My friend who has the brother with anxiety and ptsd told me that seeing me struggle with anxiety and being able to see a parallel from me to him helped her to see this disease at work. Helped to see her brother in a different light (I think that's the best wording). She saw me patient with him, she saw me pointing out ways his behavior was similar to mine when my anxiety was bad, when I was having off days. So if the anxiety results in blow ups, be patient, listen, but judge if a response may be necessary, because sometimes the vocalization, the listening ear is all that's needed to make someone feel better.

You can not save someone. This was the lesson I had to learn with my friend from high school. She would talk to me about her anxiety and I would try to fix it. I wanted to come in a be her Savior... but the thing is, only Jesus can be Savior. And the other thing is Jesus gave us medicine. People have made discoveries with antidepressants, anti-anxiety for a reason. There are therapists and people doing research to find solutions because God placed them on this earth. I'm not saying prayer is not an option, I'm saying the solution to battling this disease is a balance.

Balance is key - sleeping well, playing, resting, relationship-building, friendship-making, exercise, eating healthy, etc. Balancing all of these with working too is what is necessary to combat this disease.

So if you know someone battling against mental illness don't shun them, love them. Be a listening ear, be patient. And pray. Pray for peace of mind and of heart. Pray for healing. Pray for good healthcare professionals. Pray for good healthcare.

If you're reading this, and you share in this battle with me know I am praying for you. Know on my bad days I try to think of you, of all who suffer, and unite my suffering. It seems that when we do things outside of ourselves it helps a little. Jesus suffered and died on the cross out of love for you and me. We can unite our tough days to his suffering and agony. We are not alone in this battle, you are not alone in this battle. Know you will always have me as a listening ear, and a warrior by your side.

St. Dymphna, patron of mental illness, pray for us!

My Shame Gremlin

I'm not entirely sure where to start today. Life has been crazy - crazy good, crazy busy. I've moved out of my old house into a new house with completely new roommates. I lived with the same 2 girls for the last 2 years. There's a lot of newness, a lot of change happening right now, and I'm currently in a calm, in a time of waiting, growth, and anticipation for the new year. I am so excited to see what the Lord is going to do this year. I'm closer to OSU's campus this year, I'm serving the community differently this year, I'll be entering my hardest year of nursing school, I'm living with all new roommates. There are a lot of new things, a lot of unknowns, but I absolutely cannot wait to see what happens.

My sister, Steph, gave me some awesome books to be reading this summer. The one I'm currently reading is called The Gifts of Imperfection by Brene Brown. This author is amazing, and she really hits home to the challenges we all face in day to day life. I love it because it's really helping me to grow with myself, to see my faults that I can work on, and how I can work on them.

She talks a lot about shame, and this week I read the chapter where she discusses critical awareness. She defines critical awareness as "awareness of our own 'never good enough' thoughts." So the question I had to ask myself, the questions we all need to ask ourselves is "When am I telling myself that I am not good enough?" You can play around with the wording, as is fitting to you - but essentially, by our imperfect human nature we always have at least one thing that we want to see improve, and so often it is more than one thing because we are our own worst critic. We see our faults, our failures more than anything. Our faults, failures, and fears all hold us back from the freedom Christ offers us. Therefore, we have to explore that which holds us back from the freedom found Christ. Where do you get caught up?

As I thought about this, as I evaluated my own life I found a big overarching gremlin that really holds me back and encompasses any smaller gremlins - and that is the belief that I am unworthy of all love offered to me. This is false. Absolutely 100% false, yet it is something I have battled with all of my life, especially starting in middle school. For the longest time, I thought I had to be in a relationship to be complete. I just needed a boyfriend, and life would be good.

My sophomore year of high school I finally got that boyfriend I thought I needed to complete me. And I remember having conversation after conversation about me questioning his love for me because I failed to believe I was worthy of love. I had set in my mind that the only reason my family loved me was because they had to - because I was their daughter, granddaughter, sister, etc. I remember time and time again asking my boyfriend why he chose me, why he loved me, why he picked me when there were plenty of others girls out there. I couldn't simply accept the fact that I was loved and worthy of love.

After this guy and I broke up, I turned to Christ for healing - and learned a lot about his love, but continued to doubt, continued to question. I've had multiple other guy friends, one whom I dated briefly and would ask them all the time why they chose me, why they even liked me. I could not accept the fact that I was loved and deserved love simply because I am created in the image and likeness of God, and my worth lies in my identity as his daughter.

Okay, so this is my shame gremlin, this is a battle that I still fight today. And when our shame gremlins show themselves, we use different coping mechanisms. Our shame hurts, and we want to hide, we don't want to feel the hard feelings, so what do we do? We numb ourselves through different means.

I know the biggest way I numb is social media. I so often refuse to accept the love of people right in front of me, so I turn to social media. I check facebook wondering how many notifications I'm going to have. I change my profile picture and pay attention to the number of likes I get, and measure how pretty I feel based on how many likes I get (this isn't an all the time thing, but when I'm really struggling, and my shame gremlin is in charge this is what I do). I even scroll newsfeed liking things because I figure people struggle the same way I do, and I want them to know they're loved too, if they're seeking love through media.

Okay so I have this big ole gremlin on my back, reminding me of my faults, of the lack of ability I have to accept I am loved - I know how I cope, how I hide, how I numb  - so what am I going to do about it?

Well, in this book, Brown gives what she calls the Vowel Check - and I love it. Each vowel stands for something different.

A = abstinence: Did I abstain today?
        So with this one, whatever it is that you use to numb, in order to stop numbing, you have to stop - whether it's alcohol, smoking, social media, sins of impurity, you have to abstain. You have to stop turning to these things, and the only way to abstain is by giving it up. Granted I still have my facebook, I fear that if I get rid of it I won't hear about all the awesome things happening, so what I should probably do is delete the app off my phone, so I have to get on my computer in order to check it, and that requires more work, so I won't check it as often. Regardless, abstain - give up, sacrifice your numbing tool.

E = Exercise: Did I exercise today? Exercise is so important to ones health and well being. It allows you let off extra steam, it gives you time to process, to think (if that's what you need). It is vital to having a healthy lifestyle.

I = what did I do for myself today? : Something they teach us in nursing school is the importance of self-care. If we're not caring for ourselves, how are we to care for others. I actually wish that every education program addressed this topic to some degree because no matter what your job is, if you are caring for yourself, you will do better at your job. So find some way to care for yourself each day. Maybe do your nails, enjoy a quiet morning with a perfect cup of coffee, read a good book, watch your favorite television show, take a longer run or longer shower than you would. Whatever works for you. This is all about taking care of you.

O = others: What have I done for others today? Our culture promotes this idea of the world revolving around me, myself, and I. When in reality we are a speck of dust on this planet we call earth. I know when I do something outside of myself, it makes me feel like I am serving a purpose, and my life has meaning. So do something for someone else. Whether it's doing the dishes because you know it drives your roommate nuts, or volunteering with the local soup kitchen - find a way to serve those around you, to love them.

U = unexpressed emotions: When we bottle our emotions, when we don't let ourselves feel it becomes a habit. In the book Brown says "When we numb the dark, we numb the light." So essentially, when we're numbing these hard uncomfortable feelings, we also lessen our ability to experience happiness and joy. We can't numb to only certain emotions, all our emotions are affected. So if we're failing to express our emotions, and numbing ourselves instead, we are harming our ability to enjoy life.

Y = Yeah!: Yeah - something good. What is something good that happened today? What are thankful for? This is the part of the vowel check where we practice gratitude. This step is important because it takes time to cultivate a spirit of joy. As Brown says "Joy is not a beginner's virtue; it comes as a culmination. Joy is a light that fills you with faith, hope, and love." So we have to practice, and keep striving to see the good in each day, and most especially on the hard days because that's when it becomes a habit, a healthy habit that leads to wholehearted, authentic living and loving.

As I bring this post to a close I want to share one last quote, and I want to encourage each of you to explore your shame gremlin, look at that which holds you back. If you know what's holding you back from fully accepting the love and freedom Christ offers you, you can work towards surrendering that to Him and receiving his love, mercy, and healing.

"It's our fear of the dark that casts our joy into the shadows."