I was convicted today of my own imperfections. I often like to disregard my faults, my imperfections, and write them off - and it's really easy to do when all your friends are toasting you and telling you all kinds of wonderful things about yourself, which I thoroughly enjoyed - I must say, it is nice to be in the spot light every once and a while! Wednesday night I was out with some of my closest friends, and we were out for my 21st and another girls engagement! So we went around doing toasts to myself, and our engaged friend - so much goodness to celebrate! These were women who I've had the pleasure of living with for at least one year, and serving with, and loving. So when we did the toasts - it was from women who know me, who know my faults, my impatience, my frustrations, my anger, my joys, who've seen my cry and seen me scream, and seen me laugh - they've seen the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful - and despite this all they were able to say the kindest things, to lift me up, to build me up in such a beautiful way, to encourage me in the walk of life. And then, that night, as I was lying in my bed to sleep I was plagued with all these doubts. Oh, what they said could not be true! I am not kind, I am not gentle, I am not loving, I am not a teacher, etc. I am not any of these - I am a sinner, a failure, judgmental, jealous, envious, greedy, materialistic, the list of my own faults plagued me. And this, this is how I am an imperfect person. I am all these things - the beautiful, positive things my sisters told me, but also these negative things I listed are within me as well. And that's where being a Christian becomes a choice, and that's where I see we are an imperfect people, serving a perfect God.
Today we celebrated the Ascension of the Lord, and in the Gospel of Matthew it says "When they saw Him, they worshiped, but they doubted." And the Gospel is talking about the 11 disciples at this point. The disciples were not perfect servants of Christ. I daily doubt the ability of Christ to work in me, and through me. I constantly beg him for his mercy, for his forgiveness, for his grace. I constantly ask the Lord to help me set aside myself, my desires, and that He use me as an instrument of his love, peace, and joy. I, like the disciples, doubt the goodness of God within me, just as the apostles worshiped, and doubted.
"The Jesus approached and said to them, 'All power in heaven and on earth has been given to me. ... And behold, I am with you always until the end of the age." (Matt 28:16-20) I think it is easy to forget to whom we belong. I think it is easy for us to be consumed with pride, greed, and envy. I think it easy for us to get caught up in our sinfulness, faults, and failures. I think it is easy for us to forget that Christ knows we are imperfect, and that is why he came and died for our sins. Brothers and sisters, the truth is - he is with us! He is with us until the end of the age, to cast away our fear, our doubt, our anxiety, our depression, our pride, greed, envy, lust, sloth, gluttony, and anger.
So as you may become frustrated and flustered with yourself, your friends, a ministry you serve with, your family, your parish, or any other person remember - we are all imperfect people, who fall short of the glory of God. Yes, we should be striving for sainthood, for holiness, for perfect love - but, we are going to fall short. I have a quote to end with:
"You are seeking the secret of belonging to God, dear souls? There is no other than to make use of everything which God gives you. Everything leads to union with God, everything perfects you, except sin and what is outside your duty; all you have to do is accept everything and let God act. Everything directs you, keeps you straight, and carries you along. Everything is the hand of God... Your life flows ceaselessly in this unknown abyss where all you have to do is ever to love and esteem as best what is present to you, with perfect confidence in God's action which cannot of itself do you anything but good." Fr. Jean-Pierre de Caussade
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