I am Enough

I am reading this book called Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. This book is about being vulnerable and living life authentically. The chapters that inspired this post really dig into the shame the we feel, what shame is, how it effects, and solutions to overcoming shame or as she calls it developing 'shame resilience'. I'm going to focus on women because that's what I know more of -since I am a woman.. but she does also address shame in men as well.

Brown offers 12 shame categories, and says there are 2 biggies for women. The first one for women - the
top area of shame for us - is how we look. It's constantly plaguing our life, if we think we look pretty then we tend to have a good day, but if it's a day where we feel we look fat or ugly, not so good for anyone around us.. because we'll put up our masks, we'll keep our guard up. The close second struggle for women is motherhood - and Brown states how we don't have to be a mother to experience motherhood shame. "Mother shame is ubiquitous - it's a birthright for girls and women"  In addition to these 2 areas there's an overarching expectation to be effortlessly perfect. Perfect body, perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect grades, perfect at our job, working and being a mother. If your married, you should have a kid, if you have a kid you're asked why you haven't had a 2nd child if they're over 2 years. If you have more than probably 3 children then other parents start asking why you have so many kids - because it doesn't fit the 'standard American family' cliche.

And even those 20 somethings of us who are in college experience the motherhood shame, and that's what I want to share a little bit with you all about. I haven't been in a relationship in approximately 4 years, and so often I question my worth and value because of this. I so often want to be in a relationship. I desire an intimate connection with someone - which normal human desires, but it can be frustrating because as a woman it is also my duty to wait to be pursued since it is man's duty to be the leader of a relationship. Anyway - when I was reading this book yesterday I was thinking about this desire that I have for a relationship, and there's a multitude of facets that go into this, but I think part of it is that I feel like I'm supposed to be in a relationship because that's what the culture tells us. We're supposed to jump from relationship to relationship until we find the 'one' - whatever that may mean. But that's not guarding our hearts, that is not saving ourselves emotionally and physically for the man who will be our husband; it's not living the life of purity and chastity to which we as Christians are called.

Last night I was at co-ed event and once again found myself distracted by this desire for a relationship and looking around at the various men (this is an area often struggle with, and have to continually turn back to God and seek his mercy) and thought to myself oh I hope he doesn't like me.. because I jump to conclusions often, and read too much into just about everything. And then I started thinking about a potential for a relationship in general and was filled with fear. But why was I filled with fear? I experienced two polar opposite feelings in a span of 10 minutes - a deep desire for a relationship and a great fear of a relationship. The fear comes from a fear of being vulnerable with another person, the fear of being hurt again, if a relationship were to not work out - ending in marriage. But then I also realized that we're going to experience hurt again in our lives because in order to love we have to be willing to be vulnerable, and to be vulnerable and authentic means there is a risk of being hurt.

As I was dwelling and praying through all of this I thought of a few things - one was what Fr. Gregory said in mass earlier that day "Joy follows the peace that only comes from communion with Christ." And that night a friend offered a reflection on joy - and here's what my take away was - Christ makes himself known to us in the Eucharist. In the Eucharist Christ makes himself known to us. Then, we know his peace & from this peace, from this place we experience joy found only in Christ..

And these reflections aligned perfectly from the next chapter in the book - The Vulnerability Armory - and this addresses the way we protect ourselves when we begin to experience shame (because none of us is immune to shame). We put on the armor because it allows us to hide that we don't believe we're enough. I know I so often find myself believing I'm not _____ enough - fill in the blank with whatever you wish - pretty, funny, holy, smart, sexy, beautiful, serious, strong, powerful, loving, gentle, peaceful, joyful, happy, etc... This is how we experience shame at it's core. We don't believe we're enough. That's why I question why I haven't dated anyone in 4 years.

I was reflecting on how motherhood shame was affecting my life: I don't feel good enough because I haven't been in a relationship; therefore, I question my womanhood because part of being a woman is being a mother, and the next step for me to be a mother is to be in a dating relationship to determine if this particular person would be the man I would want to father my children - but I'm in a period of waiting and wanting, and trying to find contentment in this place  And in adoration last I had this grand revelation as I started telling Jesus I was not enough, he spoke to my heart a truth I needed to hear. Jesus is enough; therefore, I am enough because the Father loved me into existence and I am held into existence by his love. Jesus is enough, but not just that. Because Jesus is enough I am enough. I am perfect as I am and because of this I can have joy and peace. I am ____ enough as I am because I was made perfectly in the eyes of the Father.