Worthy of Love: Part 2 - We're Broken

I was going to write this series a little more consistently, but life got in the way. So here's part 2! You can read part 1 here. I talked mainly about what love is and how Christ is the ultimate example of love. I want to talk a little more about our brokenness, and how our brokenness causes us to think we're unworthy of love.

We all of these questions in our hearts we want to be answered. For women it's Am I captivating? Am I beautiful? Am I worthy? For men it's do I have what it takes? Am I strong enough? Am I enough? As children we turn to our parents to answer our questions - especially our dads. I was blessed, my dad never really did anything that made me think he didn't love me. Rather, he lavished love on me, he always provided for my every need... I am daddy's princess. He gets me flowers and chocolate for Valentine's day. He let's me know I matter. But often dad's fail in this area - they don't let their children know they are loved, they don't answer the question of their children. And by our questions not being answered we become broken. We lose confidence. We lose self-esteem. And if our parents don't wound us, someone else will because we live in a broken world, filled with imperfect people. And then there's also Satan, who doesn't like it very much when we come to know the love of Jesus - and he also tries to interfere - to make sure we get wounded, in hopes we won't turn to Jesus but will reject the love of the Lord instead.

For me, there are a couple of stories I could tell. But I think the biggest point of woundedness in my heart came from those middle school years - 6th grade to be precise. A couple big things happened that year. I had a friend who would be my BFF one day and the next day she would tell me we couldn't be friends because of reason x,y,z - her reason boiled down to "you're too broken for us to be friends" or "you're not good enough to be my friend". And then a week later she would tell me she was wrong and ask to be friends again - so I would forgive her, we would be BFF's again only for a week or two later to repeat. Around the same time this was happening my dad started travelling for work and I felt like he was leaving me sometimes - though I know that's not true, it's still how I felt.

This wound of constantly being told I was not good enough or was too much to handle has continued to carry weight in my life. Even to this day - I lack confidence. I am often filled with fear. I fear failure. I don't want to displease people. I don't want to overwhelm people with my problems. I don't feel like I deserve love people offer me. I have a friend who I text on a bad day to vent and when I'm done venting I often send an apology text for 'dumping all my issues on them' and they always tell me it's okay - everyone needs someone to talk to, to listen to them.

Moral of the story - we're all broken. We all have times we don't feel worthy of love offered to us. Women don't feel worthy of love when someone tells them they're not beautiful or not worthy or are too much to handle. Men feel unworthy... or maybe undeserving of love because they feel they are not strong enough or failed to provide in some manner for some person. I want to leave this post telling you that you are not alone in your feelings of unworthiness. There is hope for Christ rose from the dead, more on that to come!

God bless!

Embracing Singleness

It's the before Valentine's... I was scrolling my facebook newsfeed tonight and I stumbled upon an article that was titled 50 Things A 20-Something Single Girl Really Wants for Valentine's Day. And I read through this list my heart actually broke. So many of the things revolved around a broken desire for love. We were made for love, and by Love and we are held into existence by the love of the Lord. He desires to know us. He desires to lavish his love on us.

I've also been doing some thinking on the beauty and the blessedness of these last 5 years that I have been single. The Lord has blessed me so much. Being single is a beautiful time to grow in our relationship with our sisters, our brothers and our Lord. It's a time to learn how to love other men as brothers in Christ - because in reality, most of the men we know will not be our husband... we only get one husband.

Now I'm not saying this has been an easy 5 years of singleness. I have always dreamed of being married. It's all I've ever wanted for my life. I would have been one of those people who would have been content getting married right out of high school. Granted, I'm glad I didn't. I wouldn't trade the life I have now for the world. Regardless, there have been ups and downs of the last 5 years - whether it was just really feeling lonely and wanting a relationship or thinking a guy might like me or really liking a particular guy and wanting them to pursue me. Sometimes it was easy to be jealous of sisters who were in relationships (again, not a constant thing, but there were moments where it was really hard because that's what I really wanted and I didn't have it).

Anywho  - I wanted to write a little something about the ways we can embrace our singleness in our lives, and this doesn't just go for Valentine's day... this is something to do in life in general.

1. Seek the Lord. Seek to know him, to love him, to serve him, to live for him. Our relationship with the Lord is the only relationship that isn't passing. He will always be there. He made us. He knows the number of hairs on our head . He wants to lavish his love on us. When we're single we have a unique opportunity to grow and strengthen our relationship with the Lord. What a gift. And this is so important because the people we are dedicated to care for our lesser than when we're living married life, especially once kids come along. 
2. Build relationships with your sisters (or brothers if you're a guy). Women understand each other in a way that only women can (same goes for men). Women need other women to learn how to be women (men need other men to learn to be men). When we're single we have a unique opportunity in our lives to be in relation with our sisters. Make valentine's for your sisters this year - write them notes of encouragement, love on them a little. These relationships are going to carry through the rest of your life in some way. God has placed these women in your life at this time for a specific reason and purpose - embrace that. 
3. Learn your strengths and your weaknesses. We're all broken. We're all flawed. We all have pet peeves. We all have our own quirks that probably drive other people nuts. But we can build good habits in ourselves, and break bad habits. Maybe you bite your nails - you can work on breaking that habit. Maybe you have a lot of anxiety and don't handle it well - this is a good time to go to a counselor, to seek guidance, to learn better coping mechanisms. Build a habit of daily prayer. Build healthy eating habits. Establish a workout routine. 
4. Spend time with you. I don't know about you, but so often I get so caught loving on other people and caring for them that I forget to take care of myself and spend time with myself. Take a longer shower this weekend, shave your legs for you. Do your nails. Clean your house. Have a coffee date with yourself. Go on a long run. Go on a hike. Do what makes your heart happy. Do what you need to do to feel restored. If we don't care for ourselves we aren't able to care for others. 
5. Spend time with your family. Our parents raised us. They love us more than we can imagine - even when we feel like they don't love us. They have a lot of wisdom to offer us, and they want to offer it. Let them. Let them love you. Make time for them too. 

I'd say that over the last 5 years, and even more so in this last year I have learned more about who I am and whose I am and what I want than I possibly could have imagined. The Lord is good. He provides for us. He has a perfect plan for our lives. Seek him out, seek community around you out. Seek to know, love and serve the Lord all the days of your life - that in all you do you may bring glory to the Lord. Embrace the single years - we spend most of our lives married -  this is a time to be cherished. 

Total Abandonment

St. Paul's Outreach is the organization I'm really involved in on campus, and we had our annual retreat aka Fan into Flame (2 Tim 1:6). It was my fifth one, but every year I come out of it having experienced the Lord in a new way. My first year it was healing. Another year it was hmm perseverance. Another year it was increased desire for the Eucharist. This year the phrase to sum it all up would be total abandonment.

I have seen a transition in myself recently - a transition in the desires of my heart, a purification in my love (which makes sense since I did pray a rosary every day of advent for the Lord to purify my heart...) the Lord hears and answers all our prayers. The semester I've been given two opportunities to be a leader (really to be an instrument of the Lord). You see, I always used to think that being a leader meant you had the power to change people's lives - which is true, to an extent. A leader does have the power to change lives, but it's not a power they possess themselves, it is rather a power of the Holy Spirit dwelling within them. I think back on the last two years and I think about how often I wanted the glory. I wanted people to come up to me say "Thank you, your story, your talk, your blog, etc changed my life" I wanted my works to be what caused people to encounter the Lord. I wanted to be honored, to be praised, to be extolled, to be exalted. I wanted to be looked up to.

There's a new stirring in my heart - I don't want the glory anymore. I gave a talk a few weeks ago on
a woman's retreat - and leading up to the retreat I was praying to be the Lord's instrument, to be his hands, his feet, his mouthpiece. I didn't care if people came up to me afterwards to tell me I did a good job. I wanted people to encounter the Lord because He spoke to their hearts. I lead a small group on the retreat this weekend - and I wanted these women to encounter the Lord, to know His love for them, to declare Jesus as Lord of their lives.. that's not where I was two years ago.

So as this has been a theme in my prayer lately - I really took this into my retreat this weekend. As a student nurse (and some day registered nurse) I have a unique opportunity to be the hands and feet of Jesus to my patients. I want to change their lives, and impact their hospital stay by being a gentle, kind, caring nurse - but I recognize I can not do this on my own accord. I need the Lord to be on the throne of my heart.

A lot happened in my heart over the weekend. On this retreat we have a unique opportunity to pray with our small groups, to declare Jesus as Lord of our lives and to ask the Holy Spirit to come into our hearts and transform our lives. As a small group leader, I didn't go in with the mindset to get prayed over, but I knew what to ask for if I got the opportunity. I had a really small small group (it was really nice!) and so I did have an opportunity to be prayed with. And the my greatest desire was a fuller surrender - total abandonment unto the Lord. Whatever He wants for my life, that's what I want.

check out this reflection

When it comes to surrendering to the Lord, there is 0 risk and total gain. He desires to fill us and will
never leave us empty. He never stops thirsting for us. I walked away from the weekend knowing I gave the Lord all I could, and knowing that he had filled me. It wasn't an emotional weekend, which is not my normal experience of retreats - but this year all of the retreats I've been on have had a very solemn and sincere surrender, and choice to continue to choose the Lord, and to lay my life down for him.

Our purpose in this life is to love and be loved. Our ultimate vocation is love. I pray that as I seek to totally abandon myself to the Lord, that you may join me. Empty me of myself, O Lord, so that I may be filled with you.

Litany of Humility 

O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being loved,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being honored,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being praised,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being approved,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being despised,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected,  Deliver me, O Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I,  Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I,  Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease,Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I go unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. 

Vulnerability is Beautiful

Yesterday I had a bit of a rough day. I have a lot going on, made some decisions, took some big steps - and it's hard, but it's good - humble, patient trust as I continue to faithfully say yes to the Lord (as a friend said the other day). But talking about what is going on with certain people is hard.

One of my big steps was the decision to seek counseling services through my university to work through some anxiety issues. Talking about my anxiety is very uncomfortable. My first session was very uncomfortable - I left just feeling exhausted (emotionally). And I was directly asked about my counseling sessions - how they were going, if I thought they were helping (note, I've only had one session). Anyway, as soon as the question was asked I clammed up.. my chest got tight, I panicked, I almost started crying (but I didn't want the other person to know I was crying). And I got off the phone just feeling so distressed, and cried because nobody would know now..

Then I went to the chapel to pray. I still needed to pray my rosary, but first I just journaled and told Jesus how I was feeling and how that conversation was hard - and how this whole counseling thing was a lot more uncomfortable that I thought it would be.. I'm an extrovert, an external processor, and really good at sharing what's going on in my life usually - so the fact that this is hard took me by surprise.

I was vulnerable with the Lord, I didn't hide behind any fluff, I told him just how I was feeling and what I was experiencing, and then prayed my rosary - and through the intercession of Mary, laid these things, these feelings at the foot of the cross, and tried by best to surrender them to Jesus.


I had a meeting, so I headed up to that - and multiple people commented on how I look that evening - that I looked pretty and good - which was funny to me because I definitely didn't feel I physically looked pretty.. I felt a lot of peace, thanks be to the grace of God. And I was later thinking about why people thought I looked beautiful (because I have to analyze everything) - well one thing to note is I have blue eyes - and when I get emotional my eyes are honestly really pretty, so that probably had something to do with it. But the other thing - the bigger thing - is I was vulnerable. I was vulnerable with myself and with the Lord - and by not trying to hide, to put fluff on how I was feeling, to put a mask on the Lord's beauty was shining through me - what a gift!

My other recent encounter with vulnerability was on Friday when my small group met for the first time this semester. One of the girls has a lot going on - and she was vulnerable with us - she told us what was going on, how she was feeling (which I knew because I live with her and I've been watching her hurt herself repeatedly the last few weeks). Later that evening we were hanging out on our couch - snuggled up next to each other online browsing for dresses. And it was such a sweet moment because for the first time in a few weeks we were present to each other, all our guards down, and were able to just love on each other. And that night I was really grateful for vulnerability.

I guess, you could say, what I have been learning the most recently is that there is no point in putting on a face, in putting on a mask - that it is best to just 'be real' or be honest with people when they ask how you're doing. If you don't let people know you're struggling, how are you going to get the support you need to overcome/work through the struggle?

Bear your soul to someone, let them in, let them see you're broken. It is in vulnerability that our soul receives healing. 

The Lord is Faithful

Lately, it seems that every day in my prayer the Lord is letting me know He is faithful and he has a perfect plan with perfect timing. And, as I struggle to trust Him and relinquish control to Him, He continues to meet me with mercy and give me little gifts that let me know he is near and he is working. 

The other night I was in adoration, and lamentations 3 came to me, so I started reading and I also came upon some of the psalms and I want to share with you a little of what the Lord has been speaking to me - and letting me know the promises He has made to be faithful. 

The LORD’s acts of mercy are not exhausted, his compassion is not spent;

They are renewed each morning—great is your faithfulness!

The LORD is my portion, I tell myself, therefore I will hope in him.

The LORD is good to those who trust in him, to the one that seeks him;

It is good to hope in silence for the LORD’s deliverance. Lam. 3:22-26

Blessed be the LORD, my rock, who trains my hands for battle, my fingers for war; My safeguard and my fortress, my stronghold, my deliverer, My shield, in whom I take refuge, who subdues peoples under me. LORD, what is man that you take notice of him; the son of man, that you think of him? Man is but a breath,

his days are like a passing shadow. Ps. 144:1-4

I will extol you, my God and king; I will bless your name forever and ever. Every day I will bless you; I will praise your name forever and ever. Great is the LORD and worthy of much praise, whose grandeur is beyond understanding. One generation praises your deeds to the next and proclaims your mighty works. They speak of the splendor of your majestic glory, tell of your wonderful deeds. They speak of the power of your awesome acts and recount your great deeds. They celebrate your abounding goodness and joyfully sing of your justice. The LORD is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in mercy. The LORD is good to all, compassionate toward all your works. All your works give you thanks, LORD and your faithful bless you. They speak of the glory of your reign and tell of your mighty works, Making known to the sons of men your mighty acts, the majestic glory of your rule. Your reign is a reign for all ages, your dominion for all generations. The LORD is trustworthy in all his words, and loving in all his works. The LORD supports all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look hopefully to you; you give them their food in due season. You open wide your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing. The LORD is just in all his ways, merciful in all his works. The LORD is near to all who call upon him, to all who call upon him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. The LORD watches over all who love him, but all the wicked he destroys. My mouth will speak the praises of the LORD; all flesh will bless his holy name forever and ever. (Ps 145) 

The Lord makes so many promises to us. He loves us so well. He provides for our every

need. Last weekend I was a leader for a women's day retreat (women's getaway) and one of my tasks was food for the day. I had planned to make dinner when we got there because I thought there was a full kitchen. We walk in and the first thing out of our mouths after finding the light switch was "where's the stove". We were having sweet potato black bean chili, and I needed a stove to make it. However, the beauty of soup is it can almost always be made in a crock pot. The thing was, most of the rest of the girls were on their way already (5 of us got there before everyone else to set up and decorate the facility). So we frantically start calling women who would be able to get us a crock pot. We get catch them just in time. They had already left, but weren't on the freeway yet, praise the Lord! So they were able to turn around and bring us 3 crock pots. Perfect. God provided crock pots and we were able to have a delicious dinner! Praise the Lord for He is faithful.. This may seem like a small thing, but we have to learn to see the Lord's faithfulness in small things so we can trust him in big things. 

Worthy of Love - Part 1

Over the last oh I don't know year or so - I've been learning about love - what it means to love and be loved. This has just been what the Lord has been teaching me about. This past weekend I gave a talk on how we're made worthy of love to about 50 women on OSU's campus. Preparing for this talk was quite the journey, due to my recent life events, but it was so good. I want to share some of what I've learned recently about love - what it means to love, to be loved, to be worthy of love. It's going to be a series, I don't know how many posts I will have or how long it will take - but in a country whose greatest poverty is love I think it's an important topic to be addressed.

This current journey with love goes back probably to July when I served as a camp counselor for middle schoolers and my mission for the week (given by the directors of counselors) was to love my campers better - and take my frustrations to Mary. That week of camp was my first time ever working with middle schoolers, and it was great but challenging in ways I didn't expect. I remember being surprised when I opened my box that held my mission for the week. 'what do you mean I'm not loving well, that's a way that so many people honor me....' So thus started a journey with love.

As I began preparing for the talk I gave this weekend I started with just praying about love. I don't know where I have no idea where this quote came from - probably from a daily reflection - but it sparked quite the inspiration.

The more we come into contact with God's love for us, the more we will be able to love everyone else - even when we don't feel like it. 

After reading this quote, I knew there was something more the Lord wanted to teach me about love. So I started reflecting on what is love.

Love is the cross. Love is sacrifice. Love is laying your life down for the life of another. Love is desiring the other's good, their best interest.

Love comes as a listening ear. Love comes as a kind hug. Love comes as a gentle touch. Love comes as a smile. Love comes as kind words. Love comes as a beautiful sunset, sunrise, sky. Love comes as beauty. Love comes as strength.

Love comes through gratitude. Love comes through humility.Love comes through gentleness. Love comes through kindness. Love comes through prudence and discipline.

Jesus Christ is the perfect example of love. The Holy Trinity loves me perfectly, and you too. Because of their love I can be confident and courageous. I should be striving always to grow in the perfection of love - in the way I love and in the way I receive love.


When I was praying through some of this I remember I had been feeling overwhelmed by the number of people who wanted to pour love on me.. and I didn't want to accept it because I didn't feel worthy of receiving the love offered to me.

Stay tuned for what comes next!

The Lord is Near

The Lord lets us know He is near.

It turns out I don't handle failing too great. The number of times I've cried the last few weeks is obnoxious. My emotions are outta control, I had my college I don't know what I'm doing with my life crisis... I've fought with my mom, pushed my friends away - except maybe one who I've leaned on the whole time and can always count on to be a rock for me when I need it most..

Last night was another one of those sleepless nights, so I send a novel long text to my friend who tends to be my rock, and got a response early this afternoon - and it ended with being told that I'm amazing woman with amazing strength.... errr cue water works. I had to leave for babysitting so I calmed down and pulled myself together pretty quickly. Then I stopped for chai tea latte because those always make me feel better. Whenever I'm sick with sinus stuff I get one because the spice of it makes me feel a lot better. So I thought maybe it would make me feel better today. I went through the drive-thru and I always use my card on my phone, but the scanner thing wasn't working very well today. After a couple attempts the guy gave up and decided to just give me drink - saying it was on him today. As I drove off I thanked the Lord for this little gift. And I realized how much He has been blessing me, giving me little gifts to know He is near. Here are a few of the ways He has shown me he is near:

• multiple sunny days in a row (that doesn't happen hear in winter) 
• warm days (for Dec)
• a really cozy heated blanket
• speaking to me clearly in prayer 
• a good dinner date with a friend
• getting to spend 3 hrs with Steph (a dear friend serving in MN this year)
• facetiming with Lauren (a dear friend serving in TX) 
• Finishing my journal today, which means with the new year I start a new journal which makes my OCD happy 
• good quality time with my dad
• a gorgeous sunset 



the sunset. this picture doesn't do it justice.

• a fantastic run - where my head was clear and I felt alive 
• daily mass
• compliments on my beauty from dear friends 

How has the Lord been blessing you this Christmas season? Do you know He is here, He is near, and He is revealing more and more of His love to you?!