Total Abandonment

St. Paul's Outreach is the organization I'm really involved in on campus, and we had our annual retreat aka Fan into Flame (2 Tim 1:6). It was my fifth one, but every year I come out of it having experienced the Lord in a new way. My first year it was healing. Another year it was hmm perseverance. Another year it was increased desire for the Eucharist. This year the phrase to sum it all up would be total abandonment.

I have seen a transition in myself recently - a transition in the desires of my heart, a purification in my love (which makes sense since I did pray a rosary every day of advent for the Lord to purify my heart...) the Lord hears and answers all our prayers. The semester I've been given two opportunities to be a leader (really to be an instrument of the Lord). You see, I always used to think that being a leader meant you had the power to change people's lives - which is true, to an extent. A leader does have the power to change lives, but it's not a power they possess themselves, it is rather a power of the Holy Spirit dwelling within them. I think back on the last two years and I think about how often I wanted the glory. I wanted people to come up to me say "Thank you, your story, your talk, your blog, etc changed my life" I wanted my works to be what caused people to encounter the Lord. I wanted to be honored, to be praised, to be extolled, to be exalted. I wanted to be looked up to.

There's a new stirring in my heart - I don't want the glory anymore. I gave a talk a few weeks ago on
a woman's retreat - and leading up to the retreat I was praying to be the Lord's instrument, to be his hands, his feet, his mouthpiece. I didn't care if people came up to me afterwards to tell me I did a good job. I wanted people to encounter the Lord because He spoke to their hearts. I lead a small group on the retreat this weekend - and I wanted these women to encounter the Lord, to know His love for them, to declare Jesus as Lord of their lives.. that's not where I was two years ago.

So as this has been a theme in my prayer lately - I really took this into my retreat this weekend. As a student nurse (and some day registered nurse) I have a unique opportunity to be the hands and feet of Jesus to my patients. I want to change their lives, and impact their hospital stay by being a gentle, kind, caring nurse - but I recognize I can not do this on my own accord. I need the Lord to be on the throne of my heart.

A lot happened in my heart over the weekend. On this retreat we have a unique opportunity to pray with our small groups, to declare Jesus as Lord of our lives and to ask the Holy Spirit to come into our hearts and transform our lives. As a small group leader, I didn't go in with the mindset to get prayed over, but I knew what to ask for if I got the opportunity. I had a really small small group (it was really nice!) and so I did have an opportunity to be prayed with. And the my greatest desire was a fuller surrender - total abandonment unto the Lord. Whatever He wants for my life, that's what I want.

check out this reflection

When it comes to surrendering to the Lord, there is 0 risk and total gain. He desires to fill us and will
never leave us empty. He never stops thirsting for us. I walked away from the weekend knowing I gave the Lord all I could, and knowing that he had filled me. It wasn't an emotional weekend, which is not my normal experience of retreats - but this year all of the retreats I've been on have had a very solemn and sincere surrender, and choice to continue to choose the Lord, and to lay my life down for him.

Our purpose in this life is to love and be loved. Our ultimate vocation is love. I pray that as I seek to totally abandon myself to the Lord, that you may join me. Empty me of myself, O Lord, so that I may be filled with you.

Litany of Humility 

O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being loved,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being honored,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being praised,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being approved,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being despised,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected,  Deliver me, O Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I,  Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I,  Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease,Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I go unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.