Everyone Has it Together, Except Me

Have you ever been to a conference, a retreat, a youth group night, where someone gives a talk about the Call to Holiness each of us has, and leave feeling like a complete failure?

Yeah, me too. It seems we hear these talks repeatedly and sometimes - when you feel like you're doing well - you're like YEAH this is awesome!! So true! God is so good! etc... Other times -when struggling with your faith - you're like uh yeah, I've heard this, but I just can't seem to do it, to get there, to be at that point. And we find it frustrating and actually take it out on the person giving the talk (in our heads that is...)

Over the last week or so I've read these gospel passages that have a similar theme, similar plot line and 3 important lessons. Mt 20:1-16, Mt 21:28-32, and Lk 15:11-32, and for good measure, from the Old Testament: Ezekiel 18: 25-28. I encourage to look up these verses and spend time reading & reflecting on them.

A big overarching common theme we see is someone who turns from the Lord (or a metaphorical character representing God), or say no to his desire, but in the end they return, they choose the Lord, they say yes to God. And from these parables there are 3 take aways.

1. God's mercy and readiness to forgive.
In Luke the Father see the lost son returning from far away and begins to run towards him to embrace him, to greet him, fully ready to welcome him back into the royal family - giving a robe and throwing him a party. The Father (God) greets the lost son (us) already having forgiven him and showing him unconditional love. The Father does this for us - we are his girls; his daughters.

In Mt 20 we see God's mercy. The owner of the vineyard gave the same pay to the men who worked 8 hours as he did to the ones who worked 1 hour. In this way his mercy is shown, particularly to those men who looked all day and found none, until this owner took them in and cared for them. We search endlessly through things of this world working to be fed, to be sustained, and the Lord has mercy on us, and gives us what we need.

In Mt. 21 we see a son who tells the father, no I will not go do as you ask(aka I will not be obedient). However, the son later changes his mind and does the work of the Father. This is us. This is me at some point every day. This morning I sat back in my bed to pray, and I knew it was a bad idea today. I knew I should have sat at my desk, but I didn't listen to my body and I sat back in my bed so I fell asleep praying and then my morning got thrown off because I fell back asleep during my prayer and ended up being late (or rather right on time...) for clinical this morning. We all have moments throughout our day where the Lord gives us little nudges to choose him - we also have big moments, like breaking up with a significant other and knowing we should do it for a long time but choosing not to because we fear the unknown. But the thing is God is a god of mercy and compassion. In this passage it says tax collectors and prostitutes are making it into the Kingdom of Heaven - why is that? Because they eventually recognize their wrong and change their mind, change their path and follow the Lord (see Lk 7:36-50).

2. His patience with his children. 
In each of these, especially the 1st and 3rd, there is a time of God waiting for the child to return, to realize their error and return to him. This is because God gave us free will. And he is patient with us, in waiting for us to realize his goodness and choose his will, his way - to come to know He is the way, the truth, and the life

3. He is victorious!
On Sunday I was talking with some women about why the Lord allows some bad things to happen, and why he lets sin happen especially in certain areas of life. And our discussion ended with the fact that if He allows us to fall here, then he must be victorious over it. He would not have given us free will here if he were not greater than the darkness we are fighting.

So have hope! Have courage! have faith! have confidence in our God! Start small. Be patient with yourself, and those around you. Trust in his victory from the cross & resurrection.

I started this off talking about those moments when we feel like a complete failure in regards to living our faith, and then I went on talking about ways to combat the challenges we face. I don't point these things out because I'm perfect at them...I'm not. I make mistakes. I still struggle. I slept through my morning prayer time today - I fall. The people who we hear give talks, they fall, I'm sure of it. Dust yourself off, pick yourself back up, and get back on the bandwagon. Perhaps you phone a friend, Jesus didn't go at it alone - he had the apostles. The apostles didn't go at this alone, they had each other - and the many other disciples (followers) of Jesus. He doesn't expect you to go at it alone. Take it day by day. It comes with time. Daily prayer is a daily battle. Living virtue is a daily battle. God is merciful, he is compassionate. He is patient. He is victorious. Praise be!

Women: For or Against Each Other?

This past week has been so good - seeing the fruit of God working in my life and the community He has blessed me with. On Thursday we had our women's night kick-off and we spent the night hanging out and chatting about why we need women's community, what it looks like, and a game plan for how we want it to impact our lives. I was blown away, to say the least. I was in a house full of countless women. I don't know how many were there, but there were so many new faces, and it was truly a beautiful thing and a gift to be able to see all these women - desiring and searching for the same thing.

These pictures above are of the notes we took when our small groups joined as a big group and we talked about what our small groups shared. I figured posting the pictures would be easier than me trying to type them all out. 

One of the things my group talked about was how in our culture women tend to compete. And Laura, one of the girls in our group brought up how sometimes we want to scream to other women that we are all on the same team! So often we see on television and in media news that these women are competing - who's the most beautiful, who's the most thin, who has the best hair, best skin, best sense of style, who can get more guys. We see this idea where girls are friends with each other because they think the other is pretty. Relationships are superficial. They don't go beyond a certain point because we're all competing in order to be the most successful woman - to be the woman who does it all. 

But that is NOT what we are called to! 

As women, we actually need each other. We need to build each other up, We need to help each other see their worth, their dignity, their value. We need each other to teach other that our identity is rooted in Christ. Women understand each other in a way that men do not.... men don't experience PMS, they don't experience emotions in the same way women do, they don't think the same way women do, they don't view the world in the same way women do. In order to be understood, in order to understand ourselves sometimes - we need our sisters. We need other women to point out our beauty when we can't see the beauty that is within us. And we need other women to call us on in holiness. We need women who can point out to us that we shouldn't wear that shirt or those pants because it doesn't reflect our worth. We need women to say we shouldn't talk about a sister that way because it's not up building the community. We need sisters to tell us they are proud of us for making a decision in order to better our lives. 

I wanted to write this to echo what we talked about in my community. To call on each of us to love the women in our lives, to see the beauty of those relationships, the fruit that comes from them. Most of all to invite you to join in this journey with me - and the women in this world to put an end to this competitive nature so we don't have to be so concerned with what is going to be said about us, but can know and trust our sisters are going to love us and treat us with the dignity and worth that is within each of us. With these relationships we can find healing, we can find truth. We can be free to open the wounds, to bring to light the baggage we hold within our hearts that we're ashamed to seek healing from  - and find freedom to become the saints the Lord is calling us to be. I want to close with a quote one of the mission leaders shared with us Thursday night - 

To become a saint is to become more fully yourself, more fully who God created you to be. 

the women I am blessed to share life with

Musings of a Twenty-somethings Heart&Mind

Life is good.

For maybe the first time in my adult life I am 100% (okay maybe 99%) confidant that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I love every second of every single thing I am doing. Praise be to God! 

So what have I been doing?

1. Nursing school - I'm in my obgyn/pediatrics rotation, and I absolutely love it. For the last 3 weeks I spent 12 hours each week on a mother infant unit - learning all about newborns and caring for them and their moms. Starting next week I'll spend 3 weeks on labor and delivery learning about the process of giving birth to a child. Then in mid-October I'll be spending 8 hours a week at Children's learning about the care of a pediatric patient. I'm excited, to say the least. 
   
2. Bible study - on Monday's I'm leading a bible study on OSU's campus with a beautiful woman and sister in Christ, Nicole. We tag team to bring Christ and invite women into the blessed community we have found here, and we do it through scripture. 
3. Babysitting - I babysit a 2 and 3 year old for 12 hours a week, spread over
   
   3 days. I love them, Samantha (2) is the cutest thing. She always says "I want Amber" or she'll walk up to you and say "I wanna hold you" and you just can't say no to that... And Nick, he took about 3 months to warm up to me, but now he asks to sit on my lap, and stuff like that. It's the best thing, and a highlight to my day each week. 
1. Nick is currently painting, he asked for a piece of paper to use as a fan to dry his painting, it's the cutest thing. 
2. and a quote for the day: 
1. "What does blue and yellow make?" Nick "Green." me "Oooohhh." Nick 
3. Last week, the kids & their fam went to New York, and I got a text from Megan one day with a quote from Sam "I want to see Amber" Megan & Paul were telling the kids who they were going to see that night. 
4. Cooking - I made a wonderful chicken corn chowder (recipe)and reheated it in the microwave to eat. Since I'm too busy to be able to make dinner each night, this works better. I also made banana muffins(recipe) and that was probably one of my best ideas - they were a wonderful 'grab&go' snack. I also baked my famous red velvet cookies, they're my favorite - and are frequently requested for group gatherings. 
5. All the wonderful friends I have + catching up after long summers away! I met my friend Caitlin for mass & lunch - we were together for 4 hrs. A few days later I spent an evening ->into the night, with a dear friend, Maggie - and we spent 4 hours together too. I also have several friends serving outside of the great state of Ohio so I keep up with them through letters, emails, and phone calls. I heard from many of them recently - such life-giving conversations
6. Formation: small group & mentor - a new year means so many new things -  and this year, for me, it meant a whole new small group and formation leader. I met with both my mentor and small group on Friday and it was wonderful! I am so excited for my relationships with these women and to see how the Lord works in and through each of us. 
7. Love, relationships, & the like - for the first time, maybe ever, I find myself quite content where I'm at in my life relationally (romantically...) I obviously would love to be in a relationship, since my ultimate dream is to be a wife & mother, but I'm learning not to rush, and to embrace the time I have being single. 
8. The Piano Guys - I discovered them today. I'm obsessed. So obsessed. Listen to them, you won't regret it. 
9. Prayer - God is good. He knows our hearts, he knows our needs. He has taught me so much in the last 6 weeks, and it has been so good. If I had to summarize it I'd say He has reminded me where I've come from and how far I've gone, he has romanced my heart - and drawn me closer to him, even in times of doubt. 
   
10. Toms. I ordered new toms, they should be at my house when I get home today, and I am so excited! check them out! I can't wait to wear them! 
11. I really wanted to stop at 10 because that's an even number, but there's one big thing that I'm so excited about and grateful for! Test anxiety! I, at the end of my summer semester, realized I had a little bit (or a lot) of test anxiety, so I began meeting with a professor on campus who works with students who have test anxiety, I took my first exam on Monday and I got an 85 on the exam - which may not sound great to many people - but I was through the roof about it! I had been working so hard on a variety of things - including relaxation techniques and studying really hard and playing with my study methods - and praise be to God my hard work paid off! 
    

To Write Love on Her Arm

"To Write Love on Her Arm" is a campaign that was started in March of 2006. It was started to help people who struggle with depression, addiction, self arm, etc. If you want to read more about the organization click here. I am so grateful for organizations like, for campaigns like this - to bring to light the struggle of mental illness. I'm thankful because we see people band together to show support, to show love, to show encouragement, to let each person know that they are loved, they are wanted on this earth, that at least one other person desires their greater good.

Each of us deserves to know we have worth, we have dignity. I remember my own struggle in high school with this, and a continued struggle since then - but at it's worst I remember sitting in my room wanting to not go on, wanting to take my own life. So days like today are always so surreal for me. They bring back these

old memories, these old scars - but they also offer hope because I see how far I have come.

I also remember when one of my friends used a razor to cut the words love and hope into her arms - one in each wrist/forearm. I remember us (her friends) being upset because we loved her, and didn't want her to harm herself.

When Robin Williams died I spent a lot of time reflecting on this and I wanted to share again what I posted on facebook:

For the last few days I've been thinking about Robin Williams death... who hasn't? And being someone who struggles with depression/anxiety I have a variety of thoughts that are hard to organize.... first of all, I wasn't that shocked. It seems each day I'm finding another person, another friend struggling with mental health, with depression, and anxiety. We put so much pressure on ourselves to attain perfection, to try and make the big bucks, that it doesn't surprise me that stars also struggle with this - there is just as much pressure for them, if not more, to reach this height of perfection. And depression/anxiety - it's not something you can snap out of, it's not something you can control. You can manage it with medication, with lifestyle choices, but sometimes you're going to have a bad day, and that's just gonna have to be okay. 

It's sad to me that depression/anxiety/suicide is such a common thing in my life that I'm not surprised. There's little I can do to fix it though. For those who struggle, it has to be their choice to get the help, to make the changes they need. We can be there, we can be present, we can be a listening ear, we can speak truth, we can be a source of encouragement, a source of hope, a person of patience, a person of love, compassion, and empathy, but more than anything we can pray. Pray for those who struggle, pray for an end to this illness, pray for peace, pray for good doctors.

So to those in my life, to those reading this who hurt in this way, know I'm praying for you. Know I am uniting my own suffering to yours, for the better of the kingdom. Know you are not alone. Know you will always find a listening ear in me.. 

My closing thoughts on this I guess are to encourage you to not give up. If you're fighting this battle, don't

give up. Please. There are people here who want to help you and who love you. You have to keep fighting. You have to keep searching to find a doctor or a person in general who can help you, who clicks with you. 

Last week I met with a professor who helps people with test anxiety... but test anxiety isn't that far off from anxiety in general.. and I have anxiety in general too it's just heightened during tests. Once I met with this professor we talked about 3 key points - the overall goal I have to accomplish is to get myself to calm down when I start to panic in exam. In order to work on that I have to work through a centering breathing practice where I take 5 minutes to breathe and relax each day. The idea behind it is get me really good at calming myself down through breathing by taking  a long time to do so I can train my body to do it a lot faster with time. The other part of working on this is to bury the negativity. My anxiety got to a point where I was giving up on exams knowing I was just going to get worked up during it and probably end up getting a lower score than I would like. So I have "bury the negativity" and focus on the positive. I am to visualize success, have confidence in myself - and see myself getting a 90...which is about 12 percentage points higher than what I average. 

I don't know if this is actually going to work 100% or not, but I hope it does. Once you recognize and admit to struggling with this - depression, anxiety, addiction, etc - you have to find someone to help you work through it and to hold you accountable to doing the work required for it. 

If you don't struggle in this area, Praise be to God. If you do, Praise be to God. It's all a part of the journey of life. It all serves a purpose, we can grow and learn from it. Be a person of support, encouragement, and love. Help to build a culture with a positive mindset, rather than negative. Be uplifting. Love one another. 

"I just want to be enough," she said. He gazed at her from the cross, "I died on this cross to prove just how enough you are." (from made in his image facebook page). 

"I just want to be enough" are words that run through my mind all the time...it's always either I want to be enough or I am too much - but this covers it all - Jesus, arms stretched on the cross he is enough - he takes it all - our imperfections, our broken expectation, our of being too much & not enough. He is the peace in our troubled sea. 

Often when we feel like harming ourselves, or are struggling in the ways listed above it's because we feel broken, we feel like we'll never amount to anything or we feel our brokenness is too much to share with another person, but like I say above Jesus is enough. He gave himself up for us, so that we might have hope, we might be healed, we might find a place to call home in his love and mercy. 

All to You I Freely Give

Last night I heard a talk, like many I had heard before, but it hit me once again. A reminder that I am broken, that I carry chains of shame and fear on my person, and am weighed down. But praise be to God for his mercy, for his sacrificial love. The speaker was Deacon Ralph Poyo, and he travels the country speaking to youth and young adults. And I'd heard him speak before. He openly shares about his past - including sexual abuse and a battle against pornography. At the end of his talk he said one thing that stuck with me more than anything else "I can talk about my past without it hurting anymore"

Wait, what? It doesn't sting in your heart a little when you think about, when you share these past experiences? I was completely taken aback by this - and called on by this. I have a pretty cool story, I guess.... I converted at the age of 15, and have never really looked back, until recently, as I quickly approach my 5 year anniversary of receiving the sacraments. At the age of 15 I was head over heals for a boy, and that played a large role in my relationship with Christ, in my coming to encounter the living God. If it wasn't for this boy I wouldn't have encountered Christ when I did in the ways I did, and I could not begin to express how grateful I am for the experiences I've had. The problem is I speed through telling my story. I love to tell my story because I know it's profound, I know it's unique, and I know people are amazed that I was so young and years later am more love with the Lord than I was when I first started out. But it stings to share aspects of my story...

I think it stings for many reasons. But most of all it hurts me still because I'm holding onto that hurt, I'm not letting the Lord fully heal the wound of my heart because I'm filled with fear. Since coming to know Christ,
I've not lived without this relationship, or the memory of this relationship and the hurt I experienced from the ending of the relationship. I can't fully experience Christ and the love He wishes to pour onto my soul until I can let go, until I can trust that his plan is far greater for me than what I could ever dream for myself. Yet, I hold onto this hurt - I fear what life would be like without it. I also fear forgetting what happened, and the hurt  I experienced, I fear not learning from my past and getting hurt again like I did the first time - falling into an awful, dysfunctional state of depression.

As we were responding to Dcn. Poyo's talk with prayer through praise and worship we sang My Heart is Yours by Kristian Stanfill (listen to it here).

These are the lyrics to the bridge. These words struck me so much. 

All to Jesus I surrender

All to You I freely give
I will ever love and trust You

In Your presence I will live

All to Jesus I surrender - all. Everything. Every last scar, every wound, this hurt, this brokenes that I fear letting go, I surrender. I freely give - when God created us He gave us free will - he made us out of love and for love, and for him. He loves us so much He gave us the free choice to love him or not, though He will ever love us. And the last words, well they're self-explanatory. By giving our hearts to Jesus, by making the conscious choice to try and live our lives for the living God we choose to love him, to trust him, and to strive to live in his presence always. 

So I ask you to join me in thinking about what you are holding onto that causes you to forgo the fullness of love offered to you in Christ. I'm praying for you, that as a community of people, and individuals we may be able to continue to surrender to Christ that which holds you back from more fully knowing his love. 

Lessons in Humility

O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, have mercy on us.

For the last month Jesus has been giving me many lessons in humility.

We're gonna go a little backwards tonight, and start at the most recent one, which sparked the inspiration for this post.

School started back up a week ago today, and on Friday I was sitting through my peds lecture. We only meet on Friday, so we went through the syllabus. And as we were going through she said that if a student were to get an 80 or lower on a test they would probably get an email from the professor. My heart dropped to the it of my stomach for the second time of the week, because my other professor for my OB rotation said the exact same thing. After each of them said this they also said to talk to them if you have any known issues. After my summer semester I realized I have some test anxiety... well, more than just "some"... I, in a way, blackout during tests. I will take the exam, but I panic through it (I think), I know I rush through because I don't like them... and after the exam I couldn't tell a single thing that was on the exam. Because of this, I average 76 on exams... I have to keep a 76 test average to pass my classes and remain in my program, and get my degree so I can do what I want to do..

So Friday, after my heart dropped a second time for the week, I knew I had to talk to my professor. I put it off all week. I didn't want to do it. I didn't want to admit to a complete stranger that I had a problem.. I knew what her answer would be - to email one of the faculty who works with students with test anxiety and has helped countless students work through their anxiety. I couldn't have asked for the conversation to go better... but after, I was so filled with anxiety I started biting my nails... I haven't bitten my nails in years! Once I realized how anxious I was I began to evaluate what was going on in me... and I realized it was embarrassing, humiliating to tell this strange woman that I had this problem. It was okay to tell my friends, even helpful to tell one of them and talk through it. But to tell my superior, to seek help - that takes courage, and that takes humility.
Lesson #1 - it takes humility to admit you need help, and courage to seek the help you need. 

Now I said this all started about a month ago, lets back track. About a month ago we were heading to Florida for vacation. While we were on vacation I got my intro-dose to humility.. For lent I started going to mass or adoration each day (schedule dictating). Once lent ended I continued this practice. During a retreat in February I had found myself desiring Jesus in the Eucharist more, which lead me to my lenten promise of mass/adoration. And this time built a habit of seeking Jesus in Eucharist. So for several months I had been going to daily mass and adoration on a very regular basis. My prayer life had been good - consistent, fruitful, beautiful. I was making regular confessions. I had been working really hard to combat a particular sin, and was doing well - succeeding in my battle. Everything was good. I felt solid, my foundation seemed firm, and it was... but I was starting to fall into the trap of complacency.

On vacation, the 2 women I went with made a point to go to daily mass and went to adoration one night as well. Meanwhile, I felt a need to take a step back from all of that... those things were a part of my normal, weekly routine, and I needed a break from all of that. It was probably one of the best decisions I made. I was beginning to place myself on a pedestal, to view myself nearing a perfect servant of Christ... hmmm wrong.

By taking a step back, I began to question, I began to wonder why I was doing all the things I do... why I pray, why I go to church, why I believe in God... etc. Plenty of people in the world seem content in their lives without religion... Even after vacation I continued battling these questions. But all it took to find my answer was a conversation with a stranger (essentially), where he found out I was Catholic and asked me why, what made me choose Catholicism.

In all of this, I realized I don't have it all together. I realized I might question, I might struggle, I might fall ...rather I will do all of these things, but that's okay - it's okay because our God is a god of compassion, mercy, and love. He made us out love, and gave his only Son for our redemption, which he had to do because he gave us free will. He gave us the option to choose to love him.

Lesson #2 - I don't have it all together, I doubt & question, but that's okay. 


My last lesson I want to share with you comes from something that has been a battle for me for well.. as long as I can recall. I can't swoop in and be the Savior - fix all my friends who are broken and hurting. It seems I am constantly encountering people in my life who struggle with depression or anxiety in some facet. And my heart's desire, my first inclination is to want to help them - to take away their pain. It breaks me to see those who are broken... And it's always worse when I hear stories where the people aren't being helped in the way they deserve to, they need to. I recently met someone who was broken in a lot of ways... and I wished so bad I could make it better, I could fix it, I could help... I could do something.. anything, to ease the trial this person experienced because of different hurts from different life experiences.. but I couldn't. I had to be reminded that there are problems out there bigger than I .

Lesson #3 - I can't be somebody's savior. That's why Jesus came.