Comparison: The Thief of Joy

I went to confession about 2 weeks ago, and one of the sins I took was that of jealousy. The priest gave a few pointers after I was done confessing the rest of my sins, but one of the things he really honed in on was the importance of not comparing ourselves, our lives to others - I never realized how much I was doing this, and how much it was affecting my life until it was pointed out to me by this priest.

It's so easy to compare ourselves, and our lives to others. I'm just going to share some of the ways I've seen it affect me.

Body image/size - I'm a runner. I run half marathons. I just recently trained for and ran a half marathon, and I was expecting to lose weight when I trained... I ran, and I ate like I always do, I don't think I really even ate more, but I didn't notice a change in my size.. Then I find myself comparing my body to other women who may be skinnier than I am, but don't work out and eat less healthy - not that I'm overweight in the slightest... but I still would feel discouraged.

Running - my speed. I ran in high school, took 2 years off, and picked up running again.. Well in the 2 years that I was off running I slowed down quite a bit. I used to run 8-9:30 minute miles, now I run on average 10-11 minute miles. Yet other people run so much faster than me, and maybe if I trained differently, and ran with people who would push I would run faster, I'm not really sure... but I feel insecure when I run 10:30 minute miles on average because I'm not running fast enough, as fast as other people.

Relationships - okay, you knew this one was coming.. Some of my best friends are in relationships and they are people who I am purely happy for, there has not once been a hint of jealousy that I have experienced because I'm just so happy for all people involved. But then there are other of my friends who are in relationships where I'm like - I just want that.. I want someone to love and to be loved by, I want to share and grow in the selfless love - I ultimately want to be a wife and mother - and my dreams don't go much beyond that. Yes, I love nursing, I absolutely want to do it, but more so than anything else I want to be a wife and mother.

The past - I think we often sit in the present and say "I just wish things could go back to the way they used to be." I know I say this sometimes. We compare our current tough situations to past good/easy situations..

So these are just a few of the ways I saw where comparison has caused me to experience less joy. The question is what to do about it?

1. Pray - pray pray pray pray pray.. we must, must pray. Ask the Lord to help you see the good in your life. Also, pray for those who may be the cause of your jealousy.

2. Gratitude - okay, this is my soap box - but give thanks. Keep a gratitude list. It helps you see the light in the darkness.

3. Distance yourself from the situation if possible.. If there's a friend in a relationship who you are jealous of, keep your distance, or tell your friend that you don't want to talk about the relationship because it's hard on you.

4. Focus on the now. If you're dwelling in the past - look for the good in the situation, and remember the good times, but there is work being done now. Perhaps the Lord is trying to teach you something - look for what he might be teaching you.

5. Scripture - the Lord speaks to us in the silence of our hearts, he speaks to us through scripture. He pours his mercy and love upon us. If you are struggling with body image - turn to the word of God. Find verses that remind you how you are fearfully and wonderfully made, that you are beautiful and there is no blemish within you.

6. Accountability - find an accountability partner. Jesus didn't do things alone, we aren't supposed to go through this life alone either. Talk to a close friend (of the same gender-they'll relate better, I promise), and tell them you're struggling with comparison in area x - work together to come up with a plan to help you stop comparing the situation. Ask them to help you - have them check in on you, ask them to ask you how this particular trial is going.

I lastly want to say - the Lord made each of uniquely us. He made us individuals. He made us in his image and likeness, but he made each of us our own person. He also gave us our free will - to choose him, to choose joy, to choose love. So when it comes to comparison - there is never going to be something inherently good that comes from it. Yes, we can learn lessons from others, we can grow in different ways - but ultimately, comparison in the sense I am addressing, causes us to not see our own beauty, and see with the love with which God created us.

Hard to Love

I have my last day of class for my summer semester today. I still have final exams and such, but we're done with class!! AHH!!!! 8 weeks have just flown by, I made it through, I'm passing everything so far - a year ago it felt like I would never be here, and look at me now! In honor of it being my last day, I jammed out on my drive into school - and the radio was spot on with some of my favorite country songs. I also want to preface by saying that many of my conversations with friends have recently revolved around relationships.

I was singing along to Hard to Love by Lee Brice - click here to listen to the song. Here's the chorus:

I'm hard to love, hard to love,
Oh, I don't make it easy,
Well I couldn't do it if I stood where you stood,
I'm hard to love, hard to love,
And you say that you need me,
Well I don't deserve it but I love that you love me good,

And I started thinking about line "I'm hard to love". Yesterday I had coffee with one of my dear friends, and they were talking to me about the relationship they're in, and how they just need to be patient with their significant other, and I'm also good friends with the significant other, and they have said the same thing to me as well - I just need to be patient with him/her.

"I'm hard to love, hard to love, Oh, I don't make it easy.."
We are all hard to love. Relationships are hard. They require work. They require commitment. They require time. They require patience. They require compromise. They require openness - openness to the idea that anything we have been planning for our lives may not be what God has in store for us.

When we're used to living for ourselves, when we're used to allowing our lives to revolve more or less around ourselves, and not having to be concerned with someone else, it's easy.  Then we have relationships where there is tension that we have to work through.

I had have a really good friend, we've been friends for oh 6 years, she's one of my best friends. And we had turmoil in our relationship. We had year long "break" in our friendship. God was working powerfully in our lives, and transforming us into the women we are today, but in our transformation process we were in different places that created tension in our relationship. We realized we needed space, we learned a lot from acting on our emotions, and the negative effects of that. Then, this past year we lived together. We shared life together. We became an integral part in each other's lives. We apologized and accepted apologies that may have been over due, but they happened - and many times, in a broken relationship, we don't even get that.

What I'm getting at - God gives us friends of the same gender to learn from, to learn how to be in relationship with, to learn where are weaknesses are, and what we may need to do to grow.

We're all human, and thus, imperfect in nature. We're stubborn, and set in our ways. We've lived life for ourselves almost as long as most of us have been alive.. So I'm hard to love, I don't make it easy. I'm blind to my own imperfections, but God willing, someone will learn to look past the faults I have. And this isn't a desperate cry of my desire for a relationship, no - this is a realization that as wonderful as I think I am, I am still hard to love. And each person, each friend, each sister, each brother we have is hard to love.

Evangelization: A Skewed Perspective?

The word evangelize, to me, provokes a particular image - there's me (envangelizer) who knows Jesus and wants to help other people know Jesus, and then there's this other person who doesn't believe in God or has never been introduced to the idea of God - or for whatever reason, in whatever way, a person does not know God. SO in order to evangelize I have to help this person encounter the living God, right? 

Well, kind of. 

I think there is more to evangelization than just helping someone encounter Christ. What about beyond that encounter, when one begins working on that relationship with God - Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. What about when it gets hard? When we don't want to work on our relationship with God, when we don't want to pray, when we don't want to fight temptation.. 

I had a really good conversation with my roommates about this topic - about how when we share our prayer lives with those around, when we ask how things are going, we are evangelizing. In our conversations, one of the girls had been wanting to go to adoration more frequently but was having a hard time going on a regular basis, so I told her that what I did when I went to adoration/mass for lent, I wasn't allowed to go home until I had gone because I knew that once I got home I wouldn't want to leave. And she had another issue, so we came up with a simple, practical solution - working together to call each other on in holiness. And then my other roommate has been dating someone for a little over a year now, so I like to check in and ask her how things are going? It ended up being a really experience asking her different questions and seeing what her thoughts were on different matters, and seeing a dating relationship at work. And so after we got done catching up about our lives, our discussion moved to one around evangelization. 

In our community, we see a closed-minded idea as to what evangelization is, but in our discussions we came to a conclusion, that loving the people around us is a work of evangelization. You don't have to serve on a youth group leadership team, you don't have to be a student missionary, you don't have to be a mission leader, you don't have serve at the soup kitchen every Saturday in order to serve the Lord, in order to evangelize. 

In the vocation of student we can evangelize simply by being a joyful and peaceful presence in the classroom (or clinical setting for me). In the vocation of marriage husband and wife evangelize to each other. In parenthood, parents evangelize to their children by teaching them about God, by teaching them his love. 

I know I've carried a skewed perspective of evangelization. I came from more or less know faith, to being a fully practicing and very actively involved Catholic because someone who knew God brought me to know Him. And then I had a hard time seeing my purpose, and seeing a way for me to help others come to know God. SO I felt I had to be a student missionary or serve on a core for a youth group, but really I don't. 

This summer semester God has taught me a lot about evangelization. In the first week of class I found out some of my classmates were Catholic, and one girl said something about wanting to start going to mass again, but she had a hard time going to her home parish because of the population. And in that conversation I realized God has placed me there for a reason. He placed a mission in front of me. 

Perhaps you are called to serve in a very particular way, such as student missionary, mission leader, mission director, youth minister, youth ministry volunteer, etc. But just because you aren't called to serve in one of those ways does not mean that you are not called to serve, to evangelize, to be the light of Christ to the nations. Bloom where you are planted. Be where your feet are. Love with all you've got. Never give up. 

God Our Refuge

As my summer semester goes on I grow increasingly tired... and with that grumpy, spacey, and groggy.. Today I was really feeling this tiredness. I started babysitting last week as an additional job, and I absolutely love it. I adore the kids I am working with. I love working with children overall too. But between clinical, exams, homework, readings, etc., working at the hospital, babysitting, eating, getting food, keeping up with friends and family - the times for rest are few and far between. Today, the dad of the kiddos came home early so I got to go home early!!! yayyy!!! So I took advantage of this time and well was going to go to mass, but went like over an hour before so I could get some good prayer time in, and then my hunger took precedence because I was getting mighty low on glucose, so I ended up not staying for mass, but I took much time in prayer, in silence, and it was so good.

My prayer today really started with expressing my tiredness because I did not sleep well last night. I woke up at like 330 and woke up every hour after that until I had to get up.. not fun. Yesterday in my prayer time I was convicted in many ways, and the Lord was once again showing me how He is my refuge. Yesterday I made it to daily mass and well yesterday was a little rough. I woke up an hour later than I should have and could have been late to clinical, but I was good, but it just started out a stressful day. So by the time I slowed down at mass I was overwhelmed with this intense anxiety - so leading up to communion I began praying for peace, for the Lord to still me. And even after receiving communion I felt this anxiety, but slowly it faded away. And the priest who celebrated mass had an extended silence after he had put everything away and it was in this time of silence that I felt the peace of Christ come over me. After the conclusion of mass I knelt and prayed, giving thanks, and as I got up to leave I was just struck and paused in silence at how the Lord was just providing so much for me, in how He was being my refuge and my strength.

In vespers yesterday there was a line somewhere that says "making peace by the blood of his cross". His cross. I was really struck by the translation - it's not the cross, it's his cross. Jesus' cross, that he took upon himself for the peace of the world, and the salvation of my soul, for gift of eternal and abundant life. I'm just going to share the one-liners that all stood out to me last night in prayer that showed me how Christ is our refuge.

Cast all your cares on Christ because he cares for you. 
The God of all grace will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish those who have suffered a little while. 
Making peace through the blood of his cross. 
Peace in God. 

In times when we are struggling, when we are exhausted, when we are feeling the weight of our cross Christ is with us. He wants us to cast our cares on him. He will restore us, and strengthen us. Our peace is found in him. He is our refuge.

I encourage you all, as you get caught in the busy-ness of this world, turn to Christ. Seek peace in him. Make time for him in your day. He will rescue you. He will renew you, restore you, rejuvenate your soul.

Feeling Inadequate?

I'm quite convinced that nursing school (well school in general) is designed to make you feel inadequate and incompetent. I know I frequently feel that way - and felt especially inadequate today. We learned about cardiac disease, fluid and electrolyte imbalance, and the acid-base buffer system our bodies have, but it's not content you get the first time around, by just sitting in lecture. It's stuff you have to go over and over again and so it's easy to begin feeling inadequate.

As I mentioned, I felt extremely incompetent in class today. I began to doubt my ability to pass my classes, to doubt my ability to become a nurse. I found myself believing that I couldn't do this, and would never succeed in reaching my dream of being a nurse. Because of this feeling of inadequacy I came home and hit the books. I wanted to get this, I wanted to understand. I wanted to give myself a chance and put forth effort in order to do so.

After dinner, I went down to the prayer room having decided that I wanted to let myself take a little break so I prayed evening prayer, read through the mass readings, and prayed a rosary. While I was praying my rosary I really began reflecting on my feelings of inadequacy today, and how Christ overcame - how he has won the victory.

Find your delight in the Lord who will give you your heart's desire. Ps 37:4 was a verse that stood out to me last night, and kinda stuck with me through today, and this really encompasses how Christ wants our greatest good. He wants to give us the desire of our heart, for he was the one who placed it there. 

Today's mysteries were the joyful, because it's Monday so we reflect on The Annunciation, The Visitation, The Birth of Jesus, The Presentation of the Child Jesus, and The Finding in the Temple. Throughout the whole rosary I kept looking up at the crucifix and reflecting on how much Christ loved me - so much that He died for me. And then when I got to the third mystery, the birth of Jesus, I realized once more how he came as a child, innocent and pure, out of love for me, and every other person who has ever walked on this earth. 

I recently went on a retreat where we had to pick out of a bowl a title from the Litany of the Holy Name of Jesus and the title I got was Jesus our refuge. This evening, I took a little extra prayer time because I couldn't make it to mass, and I realized how Jesus was my refuge. I may have been feeling inadequate today, but I turned to Jesus. I sought refuge in him. The psalm today says "I lift up my eyes toward the mountains; whence shall my help come to me? My help is from the Lord, who made heaven and earth." Ps 121. And the Gospel proclamation today "Rejoice and be glad; for your reward will be great in heaven" (Matt 5)  

So what is that I want to get across here? Well, we all feel inadequate at various points for various reasons whether it be school, struggling with a particular sin, struggling with a crush on a particular person, perhaps laziness, or greed, jealousy or envy, self-confidence - really, we all feel inadequate at various points for various reasons - but Christ is our refuge, our refuge. In Him, we can rejoice - so delight in the Lord, for he gives you the desire of your heart. Lift your eyes to the Lord, he is your help. Rejoice and be glad, despite trial for when we struggle we know we are fighting for something more - and God will reward us for each battle we fight for each soul. Turn to Christ, our refuge, and he shall flood you with peace, and overflow your heart with such love - reminding you to whom you belong, and that the victory of your battle has already been won. 

May the good Lord bless you, and pour out abundant grace into your life and soul.  

Gadium, Joie, Gioia, JOY

Someone once asked me to define happiness. And I said something to the effect of "feeling wanted, loved, and belonging." And she said that was how she would define joy. Joy is knowing you are loved, you are wanted, you belong to someone (to God), and be grateful. Grateful to know you are blessed. Joy is a way of life. 

"Joy is a net of love by which we catch souls." Mother Teresa 

"Man cannot live without joy; therefore when he is deprived of true spiritual joys it is necessary that he become addicted to carnal pleasures."Thomas Aquinas

In the Gospel readings there have been frequent snip-its on joy. Here are a few: 

"...so that they may share my joy completely."

“I have told you this so that
my joy might be in you and
your joy might be complete.”

"... but your grief will become joy."

"But I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice,
and no one will take your joy away from you."

Our source of joy is in Christ. Life is hard sometimes. Giving of ourselves is hard - a lot of the times, but Jesus tells us, through the Gospels, it will be worth it. there will be joy. 

Nursing: A Vocation and a Career

Nursing: a vocation and a career. As you probably know, I am in nursing school. I just started clinical a couple weeks ago, and it has by far been my favorite experience so far! Yesterday my patient was a sweet older lady, but she was total care on my end, and I needed help in order to clean her up. Yesterday was the first day I felt like a real nurse because I got to pass meds! SO EXCITING! SO basically, yesterday was a hard day. My patient required a lot of work, but she got my undivided attention, and I loved every second of my day. I was exhausted when I was done for the day, and I was sore when I got up this morning. 

A beautiful gift God has given me this semester is the ability to go to mass on my clinical days. It's 5:30 evening mass, but mass nonetheless, and I am so grateful for that. It gives me time to stop and be still and be with God on days where I feel like I'm running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. Anyway, there are some verses that I wanted to share - 

From Acts 20 "I have shown you that by hard work...we must help the weak., and keep in mind the words of the Lord Jesus who himself said "It is more blessed to give than to receive." When going through the readings I thought of my patient when I came to this line. In nursing, it's hard work - especially when your patient is a 'total care' or completely dependent patient, like I said, it took people to clean her up - which happens in nursing, it's not uncommon. And my patient was so weak - that's why she was completely dependent on me to care for her. And in this time, when I am in clinical, when I am in a hospital, with a patient, caring for them, for their needs - I am giving. I am giving of myself. I drop my bags at the door and give of myself completely to what I'm doing, and to who I am with. 

When I came home yesterday my roommate was completely oblivious that I walked in the door - and when she saw she me she asked me "when do you get home?" So I told her and proceeded to tell her about my day, and my patient - and I was joyful. I was so grateful, and so joyful! When I came home I felt like I just smelled like poop and hospital, but I was so happy. I learned a lot, and felt like I made a difference in the world. And as I was telling Sarah about my day she goes - God gave you a special heart - to want to do this, and to love doing it - I know is a gift from God. Nursing simply is a part of who I am.. 

Imperfect People Serving a Perfect God

This past week I had several conversations around ministry, and a lot of the discussions centered on what was wrong with how the ministry works. And each time I have conversations like these, I am once more reminded of how we are imperfect people, running an imperfect ministry, trying to serve a perfect God. So this theme just kind of stuck in my head this week.

I was convicted today of my own imperfections. I often like to disregard my faults, my imperfections, and write them off - and it's really easy to do when all your friends are toasting you and telling you all kinds of wonderful things about yourself, which I thoroughly enjoyed - I must say, it is nice to be in the spot light every once and a while! Wednesday night I was out with some of my closest friends, and we were out for my 21st and another girls engagement! So we went around doing toasts to myself, and our engaged friend - so much goodness to celebrate! These were women who I've had the pleasure of living with for at least one year, and serving with, and loving. So when we did the toasts - it was from women who know me, who know my faults, my impatience, my frustrations, my anger, my joys, who've seen my cry and seen me scream, and seen me laugh - they've seen the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful - and despite this all they were able to say the kindest things, to lift me up, to build me up in such a beautiful way, to encourage me in the walk of life. And then, that night, as I was lying in my bed to sleep I was plagued with all these doubts. Oh, what they said could not be true! I am not kind, I am not gentle, I am not loving, I am not a teacher, etc. I am not any of these - I am a sinner, a failure, judgmental, jealous, envious, greedy, materialistic, the list of my own faults plagued me. And this, this is how I am an imperfect person. I am all these things - the beautiful, positive things my sisters told me, but also these negative things I listed are within me as well. And that's where being a Christian becomes a choice, and that's where I see we are an imperfect people, serving a perfect God.

Today we celebrated the Ascension of the Lord, and in the Gospel of Matthew it says "When they saw Him, they worshiped, but they doubted." And the Gospel is talking about the 11 disciples at this point. The disciples were not perfect servants of Christ. I daily doubt the ability of Christ to work in me, and through me. I constantly beg him for his mercy, for his forgiveness, for his grace. I constantly ask the Lord to help me set aside myself, my desires, and that He use me as an instrument of his love, peace, and joy. I, like the disciples, doubt the goodness of God within me, just as the apostles worshiped, and doubted.

"The Jesus approached and said to them, 'All power in heaven and on earth has been given to me. ... And behold, I am with you always until the end of the age." (Matt 28:16-20) I think it is easy to forget to whom we belong. I think it is easy for us to be consumed with pride, greed, and envy. I think it easy for us to get caught up in our sinfulness, faults, and failures. I think it is easy for us to forget that Christ knows we are imperfect, and that is why he came and died for our sins. Brothers and sisters, the truth is - he is with us! He is with us until the end of the age, to cast away our fear, our doubt, our anxiety, our depression, our pride, greed, envy, lust, sloth, gluttony, and anger.

So as you may become frustrated and flustered with yourself, your friends, a ministry you serve with, your family, your parish, or any other person remember - we are all imperfect people, who fall short of the glory of God. Yes, we should be striving for sainthood, for holiness, for perfect love - but, we are going to fall short. I have a quote to end with:

 "You are seeking the secret of belonging to God, dear souls? There is no other than to make use of everything which God gives you. Everything leads to union with God, everything perfects you, except sin and what is outside your duty; all you have to do is accept everything and let God act. Everything directs you, keeps you straight, and carries you along. Everything is the hand of God... Your life flows ceaselessly in this unknown abyss where all you have to do is ever to love and esteem as best what is present to you, with perfect confidence in God's action which cannot of itself do you anything but good."  Fr. Jean-Pierre de Caussade