Comparison: Problematic or Avenue of Grace?

I had a simulation lab for school today. With these it's a learning technique - we play role of nurses more or less independently, with a mannequin who is having a complication. Today was for my pediatrics class and I had one earlier in my semester for my ob class. These are great learning opportunities from a nursing perspective, but I took more than increased nursing knowledge away from this experience.

Today as we were going through the lab I was subconsciously comparing the whole situation to my experience with my OB rotation. Recently, I have been reflecting a lot on this struggle I have with comparing myself to people around me. This situation lead to a realization that as human beings I think we have a tendency to compare ourselves to others. I was comparing to different situations and scenarios today, granted they were put on by two different professors, but both professors had an overall similar goal - for it to be a learning experience. But in my opinion, one group did better than the other. Anyway - I compared the two experiences, subconsciously throughout the entire time - even the prep work was compared. I'd say I even went into today with a slightly negative attitude because of my last experience with simulation lab.

I fall a lot into the game of comparison. It's a constant daily battle. I want everyone to like me, to love I think I fall short. Granted, I am imperfect, and undeserving of all the love God offers, but by his grace, by the blood of the cross I am made worthy, I am healed, I am redeemed, I have dignity and find my identity as his daughter. Which is why the whole comparison and seeing my short comings in such a negative light is problematic.
me... I am a people pleaser. I want to make sure everyone feels included and knows they're loved. I am hyper aware of my surroundings. I always know what's going on. And sometimes being hyper-aware is helpful, and other times not so much. When it comes to comparing myself to others it's often the latter- not so helpful. It's easy for me to compare myself to the appearance of other women and think 'I wish I was that skinny' or 'I wish my hair looked like hers' or 'I love her outfit, man I look like crap today...' etc. The list could go on forever. It's all negative. I look at others and compare myself and see only where

I think I will always compare myself to others and varying situations to each other because that's a way we learn. What matters is what we do with the comparison, our reaction to the differences. In my nursing situation it was good because it was two different situations that provided me with the opportunity to offer my professor better feedback. I didn't just dwell in the suckiness of it - I found a resolution and an action to take!

Comparison becomes a problem when we dwell in the negativity. When we listen to the accusatory lies of satan - saying we're not good enough, we're not loved enough, we need those shoes or that coat or a significant other to be complete. It becomes problematic when we believe the lie that Jesus is not
enough. When comparison causes these things then the quote "comparison is the thief of joy" stands true because we spend more time dwelling in the negative and lies than in the truth and love and light of Christ.

As I've been growing and exploring these areas I've learned three key points:

1. It's a learning experience
   
2. Be patient with yourself
3. Change takes time.

Fake It 'Til You Make It ??

I started my 3rd clinical rotation today for pediatrics at Nationwide Children's Hospital. I'm super excited to see how I like this facet of the nursing field! I was doing some reflecting on my past clinical experiences so far, and made interesting discovery.

Often times, I feel like an incompetent idiot, so I hold back - I don't ask questions, and I don't take initiative. I am typically afraid of screwing up and harming someone. Part of that has to do with the reality that being a nurse has a lot of pressure to it - people's lives are in your hands. That's kind of a big deal. Today, as we went over orientation stuff, we were told for charting we will sign our notes, etc as such: A.Super S.N. Capital University. That causes us to take ownership of who we are and what we're doing. Reflecting on my past experiences instructors have tended to say something to the effect of well with where you are in the program we don't expect x of you. They kind of minimized our skill level, in a sense. Now granted, our skill set is rather slim, but there's a lot to be learned, but if we're not receiving confidence in our abilities from our instructors it's going to be that much harder to be confident in ourselves.

I realized at the end of my OB rotation that I didn't take initiative at all. I didn't take ownership of my education. I didn't seek to get as much out of this opportunity as I could have. Part of that is my fault, part of that is various instructors. Today my instructors made me feel like I have competency to do things.. because it's not just about technical skills, there are people skills involved, and pediatrics requires lots of people skills. And it's hard to walk into a patient's room, knowing your incompetence and trying to be confident in who you are and what you're doing. So they say fake it til you make it.

But this doesn't apply to just school - this applies to our lives, and to living out our faith, to being a joyful, loving daughter of God, to being Christ to each person I encounter. It's easy to be a Christian to our friends who are Christian, and to not make our faith as big of a deal with our school friends or work friends (not church friends), though really Christ should be integrated into every aspect of our lives.

I picked 'fake it 'til you make it' as the title for this blog because so often we hear this phrase. I know I've heard it given in various talks regarding living out our faith... but I realized that faking it til I make it actually just presents an opportunity for me to put on a mask. I lead a bible study with a dear friend, and last week when we met it was a little rough for me. I was in midterms. I was stressed. I was tired. I didn't really want to go, to love. But I took a photo and posted a cutesie picture on instragram saying how bible study makes my week - which is absolutely 100% true, it's my favorite part of every Monday, even on a day when it was hard. But the thing is - I put on a mask. I hid how I was feeling, and posted on social media to seek validation based on how many likes I got. I'm really good at doing that - seeking validation through media.. And granted, faking it til you make it can be of benefit, but it shouldn't be the only thing we're doing.

In order to make it, we need to be confident in who we are and whose we are. We need people who build us up, encourage us, call us out, and lead us on. So don't fake it to every person you meet. Be real with people (at least some) because if people know you are struggling they can build you up, they can encourage, and they can help you build confidence.

In order to be a good nurse or to be a good Christian you need to be confident in who you are and what you're doing. You need to be courageous in order to stand up for your faith, to advocate for your patients. So don't just fake it til you make it, please... I beg of you. Find a trusted friend, a mentor, someone who will help you, who will build you up, who will you become the person you were created to be.

Bringing Light to the Darkness

I recently made a decision to bring to the light an area of darkness in my life. Here in Columbus we started a new women's ministry that deals with sin in the area of sexuality for women - and to bring about healing in this area where so many women have been wounded because of the ways of this world. And I didn't want to do this. I avoided it and literally at the last minute ended up doing it. The group was planning to meet for the first time 8 am Sunday morning and I emailed Saturday asking if there was a way for me to do this this semester. Clearly, the Lord wanted me to do this.

In September we had One Gospel. It's an event put on by St. Paul's Outreach, a ministry I have been involved in for some time now. And we had guest speaker Deacon Ralph Poyo. He's awesome. And he closed talk with a statement saying it doesn't hurt to share his story. He was sexually assaulted as a young child and travels the country sharing his story and the love of God and His healing power in his life. It's truly a gift. Anyway, he said it doesn't hurt when he shares his story anymore and my mind was blown by that. I wanted that. I wanted healing to the point that my heart didn't sting a little when I shared my own story because with my own conversion story I was wounded along the way from a relationship and 5 years later I was still hurting from it sometimes. But the thing was - I was not dealing with this hurt, instead, I was suppressing and burying it.

Finally on that Saturday night something snapped in me that motivated me to take action. I knew this ministry was being offered and I needed it, but I was not wanting to accept this truth.

Praise God for his faithfulness and steadfast love!

Since I started this new chapter in my life, since I brought light to this area of my life I was suppressing and burying I have experienced a new found freedom. Today, I was reflecting on questions for this weeks chapter and I realized I am far more broken than I thought I was. But I also realized Christ's victory. I want to share a few snippets of what has been important to me so far in this journey.

These are just different portions of the readings:

The making of comparison is dangerous for a Christian. We need silence to be able to touch souls. But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have become near by the blood of Christ, for He is our peace. Christ reconciled God and made to be one community in peace through the cross. Understanding your identity in Christ is absolutely essential for your success at living a victorious Christian life. No person can consistently behave in a way that's inconsistent with the way he perceives himself. What matters more is not what others say or think of you but what God says and thinks of you. We have to learn how to renew our minds. I have to choose to believe the promise of God and to let these truth permeate my heart. We have trouble learning how to go to the true Comforter as our only source of comfort. I need to abide in who I am in Christ; abide in Him who abides in me. God fully restores me and welcomes me back with open arms. Jesus is always, always, always enough for me. Jesus Christ is victorious. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. When we know we are and whose we are, we receive the peace of Christ and in that peace, from knowing our identity, our hearts and minds are guarded, are protected because we are immersed in Christ's love and mercy. Because of who my Father is I have authority and power in my life to choose to believe the truth that I am God's daughter, his beloved, and his love is enough for me. 

This is just a tidbit of the truth God is beginning to teach me. I am ever thankful for his faithfulness, for his steadfast love, and for his mercy. As I was chatting with a friend about this she suggested memorizing a few verses that you can say in moments when it is hard so that you continue to bring light to the area when you do struggle. So I want to close with those 3 verses.

1. I have been established, anointed, and sealed by God. 2 Cor 1:21-22
2. I am confident that the good work God has begun in me will be perfected Phil 1:6
3. I may approach God with freedom and confidence Eph 3:12

The Moments I Question

I was just spending my afternoon avoiding doing school work because I know I have a full day of it tomorrow, and just can't take in more information right now nor think about one of my classes because it elicits so much frustration. So instead I scrolled facebook and I found this video http://sfglobe.com/?id=14971&src=share_fb_new_14971

And by the end I was sobbing. In order to understand the rest of this post you'll have to watch the video.

For school I'm in my ob gyn rotation. I spent the last 2 weeks on a labor and delivery unit - so I've seen 3 births. And we talked about death in our ob lecture as well. As I watched this video I thought of it mainly from the nurses stand point. I have loved labor and delivery more than I thought I would. It brings me so much joy to welcome new life into this world, and a nice perk is the independence these nurses have - which is just good for me I think... I do best when my tasks and roles are crystal clear and that is most definitely the case on a labor and delivery unity. So I have this hope, this dream now to one day be an OB nurse. But as I watched this video - during the labor they showed glimpses of the mom sobbing while she was laboring and birthing her child - they didn't know how long he would live, how much time they would have with their son. And I tried to imagine how I would be a nurse for a patient in those shoes. How would I maintain professionalism? The answer - I don't know if I could - I think that in cases like this I would cry with my patient. My heart ached physically for this family and I don't know them. I cannot imagine what I would do in a real life situation.

However, the reality is that in any field of nursing there is death and dying, there is suffering, there is hurt - and as a nurse you are the advocate, the caregiver, counselor and so much more. You have a unique relationship with your patient. And my heart is filled with compassion and empathy. Caring is the one thing I am really really good at. That's why I wanted to be a nurse. That's it. My main deciding factor, my main motivation is that I wanted to be able to help other people, to care for other people. What better to do that than nursing? And the reality is that I will hurt with my patients. I will get attached to a patient and be cold for some time until I heal again and it'll repeat. Whatever field of nursing you're in, you will be impacted by your patients and you will have patients that you will never forget. And you'll cry with your patients and you'll laugh with your patients..

But the moments where I place myself in the shoes of the nurse caring for the mother of this video - those moments when I cry over a video telling a story of someone else's experience I question and I doubt whether or not I am cut out for this. I question whether I can do this. But I think that if we didn't question whether or not we could do this, we wouldn't be in the field for the right reasons. I think moments where we question and doubt we're allowing ourselves to be human, and to be reminded why we want to do what we want to in the first place. And this can really be applied to anything - nursing, teaching, marriage, etc.

Today I was reminded why I want to do what I want to do, and today I'm going to let it give me strength to endure the challenges placed before.

Everyone Has it Together, Except Me

Have you ever been to a conference, a retreat, a youth group night, where someone gives a talk about the Call to Holiness each of us has, and leave feeling like a complete failure?

Yeah, me too. It seems we hear these talks repeatedly and sometimes - when you feel like you're doing well - you're like YEAH this is awesome!! So true! God is so good! etc... Other times -when struggling with your faith - you're like uh yeah, I've heard this, but I just can't seem to do it, to get there, to be at that point. And we find it frustrating and actually take it out on the person giving the talk (in our heads that is...)

Over the last week or so I've read these gospel passages that have a similar theme, similar plot line and 3 important lessons. Mt 20:1-16, Mt 21:28-32, and Lk 15:11-32, and for good measure, from the Old Testament: Ezekiel 18: 25-28. I encourage to look up these verses and spend time reading & reflecting on them.

A big overarching common theme we see is someone who turns from the Lord (or a metaphorical character representing God), or say no to his desire, but in the end they return, they choose the Lord, they say yes to God. And from these parables there are 3 take aways.

1. God's mercy and readiness to forgive.
In Luke the Father see the lost son returning from far away and begins to run towards him to embrace him, to greet him, fully ready to welcome him back into the royal family - giving a robe and throwing him a party. The Father (God) greets the lost son (us) already having forgiven him and showing him unconditional love. The Father does this for us - we are his girls; his daughters.

In Mt 20 we see God's mercy. The owner of the vineyard gave the same pay to the men who worked 8 hours as he did to the ones who worked 1 hour. In this way his mercy is shown, particularly to those men who looked all day and found none, until this owner took them in and cared for them. We search endlessly through things of this world working to be fed, to be sustained, and the Lord has mercy on us, and gives us what we need.

In Mt. 21 we see a son who tells the father, no I will not go do as you ask(aka I will not be obedient). However, the son later changes his mind and does the work of the Father. This is us. This is me at some point every day. This morning I sat back in my bed to pray, and I knew it was a bad idea today. I knew I should have sat at my desk, but I didn't listen to my body and I sat back in my bed so I fell asleep praying and then my morning got thrown off because I fell back asleep during my prayer and ended up being late (or rather right on time...) for clinical this morning. We all have moments throughout our day where the Lord gives us little nudges to choose him - we also have big moments, like breaking up with a significant other and knowing we should do it for a long time but choosing not to because we fear the unknown. But the thing is God is a god of mercy and compassion. In this passage it says tax collectors and prostitutes are making it into the Kingdom of Heaven - why is that? Because they eventually recognize their wrong and change their mind, change their path and follow the Lord (see Lk 7:36-50).

2. His patience with his children. 
In each of these, especially the 1st and 3rd, there is a time of God waiting for the child to return, to realize their error and return to him. This is because God gave us free will. And he is patient with us, in waiting for us to realize his goodness and choose his will, his way - to come to know He is the way, the truth, and the life

3. He is victorious!
On Sunday I was talking with some women about why the Lord allows some bad things to happen, and why he lets sin happen especially in certain areas of life. And our discussion ended with the fact that if He allows us to fall here, then he must be victorious over it. He would not have given us free will here if he were not greater than the darkness we are fighting.

So have hope! Have courage! have faith! have confidence in our God! Start small. Be patient with yourself, and those around you. Trust in his victory from the cross & resurrection.

I started this off talking about those moments when we feel like a complete failure in regards to living our faith, and then I went on talking about ways to combat the challenges we face. I don't point these things out because I'm perfect at them...I'm not. I make mistakes. I still struggle. I slept through my morning prayer time today - I fall. The people who we hear give talks, they fall, I'm sure of it. Dust yourself off, pick yourself back up, and get back on the bandwagon. Perhaps you phone a friend, Jesus didn't go at it alone - he had the apostles. The apostles didn't go at this alone, they had each other - and the many other disciples (followers) of Jesus. He doesn't expect you to go at it alone. Take it day by day. It comes with time. Daily prayer is a daily battle. Living virtue is a daily battle. God is merciful, he is compassionate. He is patient. He is victorious. Praise be!

Women: For or Against Each Other?

This past week has been so good - seeing the fruit of God working in my life and the community He has blessed me with. On Thursday we had our women's night kick-off and we spent the night hanging out and chatting about why we need women's community, what it looks like, and a game plan for how we want it to impact our lives. I was blown away, to say the least. I was in a house full of countless women. I don't know how many were there, but there were so many new faces, and it was truly a beautiful thing and a gift to be able to see all these women - desiring and searching for the same thing.

These pictures above are of the notes we took when our small groups joined as a big group and we talked about what our small groups shared. I figured posting the pictures would be easier than me trying to type them all out. 

One of the things my group talked about was how in our culture women tend to compete. And Laura, one of the girls in our group brought up how sometimes we want to scream to other women that we are all on the same team! So often we see on television and in media news that these women are competing - who's the most beautiful, who's the most thin, who has the best hair, best skin, best sense of style, who can get more guys. We see this idea where girls are friends with each other because they think the other is pretty. Relationships are superficial. They don't go beyond a certain point because we're all competing in order to be the most successful woman - to be the woman who does it all. 

But that is NOT what we are called to! 

As women, we actually need each other. We need to build each other up, We need to help each other see their worth, their dignity, their value. We need each other to teach other that our identity is rooted in Christ. Women understand each other in a way that men do not.... men don't experience PMS, they don't experience emotions in the same way women do, they don't think the same way women do, they don't view the world in the same way women do. In order to be understood, in order to understand ourselves sometimes - we need our sisters. We need other women to point out our beauty when we can't see the beauty that is within us. And we need other women to call us on in holiness. We need women who can point out to us that we shouldn't wear that shirt or those pants because it doesn't reflect our worth. We need women to say we shouldn't talk about a sister that way because it's not up building the community. We need sisters to tell us they are proud of us for making a decision in order to better our lives. 

I wanted to write this to echo what we talked about in my community. To call on each of us to love the women in our lives, to see the beauty of those relationships, the fruit that comes from them. Most of all to invite you to join in this journey with me - and the women in this world to put an end to this competitive nature so we don't have to be so concerned with what is going to be said about us, but can know and trust our sisters are going to love us and treat us with the dignity and worth that is within each of us. With these relationships we can find healing, we can find truth. We can be free to open the wounds, to bring to light the baggage we hold within our hearts that we're ashamed to seek healing from  - and find freedom to become the saints the Lord is calling us to be. I want to close with a quote one of the mission leaders shared with us Thursday night - 

To become a saint is to become more fully yourself, more fully who God created you to be. 

the women I am blessed to share life with

Musings of a Twenty-somethings Heart&Mind

Life is good.

For maybe the first time in my adult life I am 100% (okay maybe 99%) confidant that I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I love every second of every single thing I am doing. Praise be to God! 

So what have I been doing?

1. Nursing school - I'm in my obgyn/pediatrics rotation, and I absolutely love it. For the last 3 weeks I spent 12 hours each week on a mother infant unit - learning all about newborns and caring for them and their moms. Starting next week I'll spend 3 weeks on labor and delivery learning about the process of giving birth to a child. Then in mid-October I'll be spending 8 hours a week at Children's learning about the care of a pediatric patient. I'm excited, to say the least. 
   
2. Bible study - on Monday's I'm leading a bible study on OSU's campus with a beautiful woman and sister in Christ, Nicole. We tag team to bring Christ and invite women into the blessed community we have found here, and we do it through scripture. 
3. Babysitting - I babysit a 2 and 3 year old for 12 hours a week, spread over
   
   3 days. I love them, Samantha (2) is the cutest thing. She always says "I want Amber" or she'll walk up to you and say "I wanna hold you" and you just can't say no to that... And Nick, he took about 3 months to warm up to me, but now he asks to sit on my lap, and stuff like that. It's the best thing, and a highlight to my day each week. 
1. Nick is currently painting, he asked for a piece of paper to use as a fan to dry his painting, it's the cutest thing. 
2. and a quote for the day: 
1. "What does blue and yellow make?" Nick "Green." me "Oooohhh." Nick 
3. Last week, the kids & their fam went to New York, and I got a text from Megan one day with a quote from Sam "I want to see Amber" Megan & Paul were telling the kids who they were going to see that night. 
4. Cooking - I made a wonderful chicken corn chowder (recipe)and reheated it in the microwave to eat. Since I'm too busy to be able to make dinner each night, this works better. I also made banana muffins(recipe) and that was probably one of my best ideas - they were a wonderful 'grab&go' snack. I also baked my famous red velvet cookies, they're my favorite - and are frequently requested for group gatherings. 
5. All the wonderful friends I have + catching up after long summers away! I met my friend Caitlin for mass & lunch - we were together for 4 hrs. A few days later I spent an evening ->into the night, with a dear friend, Maggie - and we spent 4 hours together too. I also have several friends serving outside of the great state of Ohio so I keep up with them through letters, emails, and phone calls. I heard from many of them recently - such life-giving conversations
6. Formation: small group & mentor - a new year means so many new things -  and this year, for me, it meant a whole new small group and formation leader. I met with both my mentor and small group on Friday and it was wonderful! I am so excited for my relationships with these women and to see how the Lord works in and through each of us. 
7. Love, relationships, & the like - for the first time, maybe ever, I find myself quite content where I'm at in my life relationally (romantically...) I obviously would love to be in a relationship, since my ultimate dream is to be a wife & mother, but I'm learning not to rush, and to embrace the time I have being single. 
8. The Piano Guys - I discovered them today. I'm obsessed. So obsessed. Listen to them, you won't regret it. 
9. Prayer - God is good. He knows our hearts, he knows our needs. He has taught me so much in the last 6 weeks, and it has been so good. If I had to summarize it I'd say He has reminded me where I've come from and how far I've gone, he has romanced my heart - and drawn me closer to him, even in times of doubt. 
   
10. Toms. I ordered new toms, they should be at my house when I get home today, and I am so excited! check them out! I can't wait to wear them! 
11. I really wanted to stop at 10 because that's an even number, but there's one big thing that I'm so excited about and grateful for! Test anxiety! I, at the end of my summer semester, realized I had a little bit (or a lot) of test anxiety, so I began meeting with a professor on campus who works with students who have test anxiety, I took my first exam on Monday and I got an 85 on the exam - which may not sound great to many people - but I was through the roof about it! I had been working so hard on a variety of things - including relaxation techniques and studying really hard and playing with my study methods - and praise be to God my hard work paid off!