Feeling Inadequate?

I'm quite convinced that nursing school (well school in general) is designed to make you feel inadequate and incompetent. I know I frequently feel that way - and felt especially inadequate today. We learned about cardiac disease, fluid and electrolyte imbalance, and the acid-base buffer system our bodies have, but it's not content you get the first time around, by just sitting in lecture. It's stuff you have to go over and over again and so it's easy to begin feeling inadequate.

As I mentioned, I felt extremely incompetent in class today. I began to doubt my ability to pass my classes, to doubt my ability to become a nurse. I found myself believing that I couldn't do this, and would never succeed in reaching my dream of being a nurse. Because of this feeling of inadequacy I came home and hit the books. I wanted to get this, I wanted to understand. I wanted to give myself a chance and put forth effort in order to do so.

After dinner, I went down to the prayer room having decided that I wanted to let myself take a little break so I prayed evening prayer, read through the mass readings, and prayed a rosary. While I was praying my rosary I really began reflecting on my feelings of inadequacy today, and how Christ overcame - how he has won the victory.

Find your delight in the Lord who will give you your heart's desire. Ps 37:4 was a verse that stood out to me last night, and kinda stuck with me through today, and this really encompasses how Christ wants our greatest good. He wants to give us the desire of our heart, for he was the one who placed it there. 

Today's mysteries were the joyful, because it's Monday so we reflect on The Annunciation, The Visitation, The Birth of Jesus, The Presentation of the Child Jesus, and The Finding in the Temple. Throughout the whole rosary I kept looking up at the crucifix and reflecting on how much Christ loved me - so much that He died for me. And then when I got to the third mystery, the birth of Jesus, I realized once more how he came as a child, innocent and pure, out of love for me, and every other person who has ever walked on this earth. 

I recently went on a retreat where we had to pick out of a bowl a title from the Litany of the Holy Name of Jesus and the title I got was Jesus our refuge. This evening, I took a little extra prayer time because I couldn't make it to mass, and I realized how Jesus was my refuge. I may have been feeling inadequate today, but I turned to Jesus. I sought refuge in him. The psalm today says "I lift up my eyes toward the mountains; whence shall my help come to me? My help is from the Lord, who made heaven and earth." Ps 121. And the Gospel proclamation today "Rejoice and be glad; for your reward will be great in heaven" (Matt 5)  

So what is that I want to get across here? Well, we all feel inadequate at various points for various reasons whether it be school, struggling with a particular sin, struggling with a crush on a particular person, perhaps laziness, or greed, jealousy or envy, self-confidence - really, we all feel inadequate at various points for various reasons - but Christ is our refuge, our refuge. In Him, we can rejoice - so delight in the Lord, for he gives you the desire of your heart. Lift your eyes to the Lord, he is your help. Rejoice and be glad, despite trial for when we struggle we know we are fighting for something more - and God will reward us for each battle we fight for each soul. Turn to Christ, our refuge, and he shall flood you with peace, and overflow your heart with such love - reminding you to whom you belong, and that the victory of your battle has already been won. 

May the good Lord bless you, and pour out abundant grace into your life and soul.  

Gadium, Joie, Gioia, JOY

Someone once asked me to define happiness. And I said something to the effect of "feeling wanted, loved, and belonging." And she said that was how she would define joy. Joy is knowing you are loved, you are wanted, you belong to someone (to God), and be grateful. Grateful to know you are blessed. Joy is a way of life. 

"Joy is a net of love by which we catch souls." Mother Teresa 

"Man cannot live without joy; therefore when he is deprived of true spiritual joys it is necessary that he become addicted to carnal pleasures."Thomas Aquinas

In the Gospel readings there have been frequent snip-its on joy. Here are a few: 

"...so that they may share my joy completely."

“I have told you this so that
my joy might be in you and
your joy might be complete.”

"... but your grief will become joy."

"But I will see you again, and your hearts will rejoice,
and no one will take your joy away from you."

Our source of joy is in Christ. Life is hard sometimes. Giving of ourselves is hard - a lot of the times, but Jesus tells us, through the Gospels, it will be worth it. there will be joy. 

Nursing: A Vocation and a Career

Nursing: a vocation and a career. As you probably know, I am in nursing school. I just started clinical a couple weeks ago, and it has by far been my favorite experience so far! Yesterday my patient was a sweet older lady, but she was total care on my end, and I needed help in order to clean her up. Yesterday was the first day I felt like a real nurse because I got to pass meds! SO EXCITING! SO basically, yesterday was a hard day. My patient required a lot of work, but she got my undivided attention, and I loved every second of my day. I was exhausted when I was done for the day, and I was sore when I got up this morning. 

A beautiful gift God has given me this semester is the ability to go to mass on my clinical days. It's 5:30 evening mass, but mass nonetheless, and I am so grateful for that. It gives me time to stop and be still and be with God on days where I feel like I'm running around like a chicken with it's head cut off. Anyway, there are some verses that I wanted to share - 

From Acts 20 "I have shown you that by hard work...we must help the weak., and keep in mind the words of the Lord Jesus who himself said "It is more blessed to give than to receive." When going through the readings I thought of my patient when I came to this line. In nursing, it's hard work - especially when your patient is a 'total care' or completely dependent patient, like I said, it took people to clean her up - which happens in nursing, it's not uncommon. And my patient was so weak - that's why she was completely dependent on me to care for her. And in this time, when I am in clinical, when I am in a hospital, with a patient, caring for them, for their needs - I am giving. I am giving of myself. I drop my bags at the door and give of myself completely to what I'm doing, and to who I am with. 

When I came home yesterday my roommate was completely oblivious that I walked in the door - and when she saw she me she asked me "when do you get home?" So I told her and proceeded to tell her about my day, and my patient - and I was joyful. I was so grateful, and so joyful! When I came home I felt like I just smelled like poop and hospital, but I was so happy. I learned a lot, and felt like I made a difference in the world. And as I was telling Sarah about my day she goes - God gave you a special heart - to want to do this, and to love doing it - I know is a gift from God. Nursing simply is a part of who I am.. 

Imperfect People Serving a Perfect God

This past week I had several conversations around ministry, and a lot of the discussions centered on what was wrong with how the ministry works. And each time I have conversations like these, I am once more reminded of how we are imperfect people, running an imperfect ministry, trying to serve a perfect God. So this theme just kind of stuck in my head this week.

I was convicted today of my own imperfections. I often like to disregard my faults, my imperfections, and write them off - and it's really easy to do when all your friends are toasting you and telling you all kinds of wonderful things about yourself, which I thoroughly enjoyed - I must say, it is nice to be in the spot light every once and a while! Wednesday night I was out with some of my closest friends, and we were out for my 21st and another girls engagement! So we went around doing toasts to myself, and our engaged friend - so much goodness to celebrate! These were women who I've had the pleasure of living with for at least one year, and serving with, and loving. So when we did the toasts - it was from women who know me, who know my faults, my impatience, my frustrations, my anger, my joys, who've seen my cry and seen me scream, and seen me laugh - they've seen the good, the bad, the ugly, and the beautiful - and despite this all they were able to say the kindest things, to lift me up, to build me up in such a beautiful way, to encourage me in the walk of life. And then, that night, as I was lying in my bed to sleep I was plagued with all these doubts. Oh, what they said could not be true! I am not kind, I am not gentle, I am not loving, I am not a teacher, etc. I am not any of these - I am a sinner, a failure, judgmental, jealous, envious, greedy, materialistic, the list of my own faults plagued me. And this, this is how I am an imperfect person. I am all these things - the beautiful, positive things my sisters told me, but also these negative things I listed are within me as well. And that's where being a Christian becomes a choice, and that's where I see we are an imperfect people, serving a perfect God.

Today we celebrated the Ascension of the Lord, and in the Gospel of Matthew it says "When they saw Him, they worshiped, but they doubted." And the Gospel is talking about the 11 disciples at this point. The disciples were not perfect servants of Christ. I daily doubt the ability of Christ to work in me, and through me. I constantly beg him for his mercy, for his forgiveness, for his grace. I constantly ask the Lord to help me set aside myself, my desires, and that He use me as an instrument of his love, peace, and joy. I, like the disciples, doubt the goodness of God within me, just as the apostles worshiped, and doubted.

"The Jesus approached and said to them, 'All power in heaven and on earth has been given to me. ... And behold, I am with you always until the end of the age." (Matt 28:16-20) I think it is easy to forget to whom we belong. I think it is easy for us to be consumed with pride, greed, and envy. I think it easy for us to get caught up in our sinfulness, faults, and failures. I think it is easy for us to forget that Christ knows we are imperfect, and that is why he came and died for our sins. Brothers and sisters, the truth is - he is with us! He is with us until the end of the age, to cast away our fear, our doubt, our anxiety, our depression, our pride, greed, envy, lust, sloth, gluttony, and anger.

So as you may become frustrated and flustered with yourself, your friends, a ministry you serve with, your family, your parish, or any other person remember - we are all imperfect people, who fall short of the glory of God. Yes, we should be striving for sainthood, for holiness, for perfect love - but, we are going to fall short. I have a quote to end with:

 "You are seeking the secret of belonging to God, dear souls? There is no other than to make use of everything which God gives you. Everything leads to union with God, everything perfects you, except sin and what is outside your duty; all you have to do is accept everything and let God act. Everything directs you, keeps you straight, and carries you along. Everything is the hand of God... Your life flows ceaselessly in this unknown abyss where all you have to do is ever to love and esteem as best what is present to you, with perfect confidence in God's action which cannot of itself do you anything but good."  Fr. Jean-Pierre de Caussade 

I am Enough

I am reading this book called Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. This book is about being vulnerable and living life authentically. The chapters that inspired this post really dig into the shame the we feel, what shame is, how it effects, and solutions to overcoming shame or as she calls it developing 'shame resilience'. I'm going to focus on women because that's what I know more of -since I am a woman.. but she does also address shame in men as well.

Brown offers 12 shame categories, and says there are 2 biggies for women. The first one for women - the
top area of shame for us - is how we look. It's constantly plaguing our life, if we think we look pretty then we tend to have a good day, but if it's a day where we feel we look fat or ugly, not so good for anyone around us.. because we'll put up our masks, we'll keep our guard up. The close second struggle for women is motherhood - and Brown states how we don't have to be a mother to experience motherhood shame. "Mother shame is ubiquitous - it's a birthright for girls and women"  In addition to these 2 areas there's an overarching expectation to be effortlessly perfect. Perfect body, perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect grades, perfect at our job, working and being a mother. If your married, you should have a kid, if you have a kid you're asked why you haven't had a 2nd child if they're over 2 years. If you have more than probably 3 children then other parents start asking why you have so many kids - because it doesn't fit the 'standard American family' cliche.

And even those 20 somethings of us who are in college experience the motherhood shame, and that's what I want to share a little bit with you all about. I haven't been in a relationship in approximately 4 years, and so often I question my worth and value because of this. I so often want to be in a relationship. I desire an intimate connection with someone - which normal human desires, but it can be frustrating because as a woman it is also my duty to wait to be pursued since it is man's duty to be the leader of a relationship. Anyway - when I was reading this book yesterday I was thinking about this desire that I have for a relationship, and there's a multitude of facets that go into this, but I think part of it is that I feel like I'm supposed to be in a relationship because that's what the culture tells us. We're supposed to jump from relationship to relationship until we find the 'one' - whatever that may mean. But that's not guarding our hearts, that is not saving ourselves emotionally and physically for the man who will be our husband; it's not living the life of purity and chastity to which we as Christians are called.

Last night I was at co-ed event and once again found myself distracted by this desire for a relationship and looking around at the various men (this is an area often struggle with, and have to continually turn back to God and seek his mercy) and thought to myself oh I hope he doesn't like me.. because I jump to conclusions often, and read too much into just about everything. And then I started thinking about a potential for a relationship in general and was filled with fear. But why was I filled with fear? I experienced two polar opposite feelings in a span of 10 minutes - a deep desire for a relationship and a great fear of a relationship. The fear comes from a fear of being vulnerable with another person, the fear of being hurt again, if a relationship were to not work out - ending in marriage. But then I also realized that we're going to experience hurt again in our lives because in order to love we have to be willing to be vulnerable, and to be vulnerable and authentic means there is a risk of being hurt.

As I was dwelling and praying through all of this I thought of a few things - one was what Fr. Gregory said in mass earlier that day "Joy follows the peace that only comes from communion with Christ." And that night a friend offered a reflection on joy - and here's what my take away was - Christ makes himself known to us in the Eucharist. In the Eucharist Christ makes himself known to us. Then, we know his peace & from this peace, from this place we experience joy found only in Christ..

And these reflections aligned perfectly from the next chapter in the book - The Vulnerability Armory - and this addresses the way we protect ourselves when we begin to experience shame (because none of us is immune to shame). We put on the armor because it allows us to hide that we don't believe we're enough. I know I so often find myself believing I'm not _____ enough - fill in the blank with whatever you wish - pretty, funny, holy, smart, sexy, beautiful, serious, strong, powerful, loving, gentle, peaceful, joyful, happy, etc... This is how we experience shame at it's core. We don't believe we're enough. That's why I question why I haven't dated anyone in 4 years.

I was reflecting on how motherhood shame was affecting my life: I don't feel good enough because I haven't been in a relationship; therefore, I question my womanhood because part of being a woman is being a mother, and the next step for me to be a mother is to be in a dating relationship to determine if this particular person would be the man I would want to father my children - but I'm in a period of waiting and wanting, and trying to find contentment in this place  And in adoration last I had this grand revelation as I started telling Jesus I was not enough, he spoke to my heart a truth I needed to hear. Jesus is enough; therefore, I am enough because the Father loved me into existence and I am held into existence by his love. Jesus is enough, but not just that. Because Jesus is enough I am enough. I am perfect as I am and because of this I can have joy and peace. I am ____ enough as I am because I was made perfectly in the eyes of the Father. 

An Ocean of Mercy

I'm between classes right now and have a dentist appointment at back in my hometown this week so I decided to spend a couple of days relaxing at home - playing with dogs, eating all the food I don't buy for myself, relaxing in the hot tub, boycotting email, and hiking through the woods. The last few days it has been raining more or less constantly - so when I went walking through my woods today everything was covered in water. My parents have 10 acres and a pond with some of it as woods as well. Our pond was actually over flowing with water. I hiked down into the ravine and found a tree to sit on where I prayed the chaplet of Divine Mercy because it was about 3 in the afternoon - which is said to be the hour of mercy. So I spent time reflecting and praying about God's mercy coming down in this world. I was watching a little waterfall flow into a puddle and the water was so abundant that when it fell into the pool of water it formed bubbles. I saw this as Christ's mercy overflowing in this world. Then I continued walking back to my house and just saw water pooling everywhere. And I realized how God's mercy is all around us - overflowing. He is just desiring to flood us with his mercy and love - and we simply need to accept it. 

I demand from you deeds of mercy which are to arise out of
love for me. You are to show mercy to your neighbors always
and everywhere. You must not shrink from this or try to
excuse yourself from it (Diary, 742).
Like the gospel command, "Be merciful, just as your Father
is merciful," this demand that we show mercy to our
neighbors "always and everywhere" seems impossible to
fulfill. But the Lord assures us that it is possible. "When a
soul approaches Me with trust," He explains, "I fill it with such
an abundance of graces that it cannot contain them within
itself, but radiates them to other souls" (Diary, 1074).
How do we "radiate" God's mercy to others? By our actions,
our words, and our prayers. "In these three degrees," he tells
Sister Faustina, "is contained the fullness of mercy" (Diary
742). We have all been called to this threefold practice of
mercy, but we are not all called in the same way. We need to
ask the Lord, who understands our individual personalities
and situation, to help us recognize the various ways we can
each show His mercy in our daily lives.
Can read more here. 

"Oh, how great is the goodness of God, greater than we can understand. There are moments and there are mysteries of the divine mercy over which the heavens are astounded. Let our judgment of souls cease, for God’s mercy upon them is extraordinary" - St. Faustina


So in my thoughts here - the rain applies in this - it rains just about everywhere in the world, and water is cleansing. Water washed the earth of its impurities and iniquities. God's mercy washes us of our sins, our impurities, our iniquities, our failures. God's mercy gives us a chance to start fresh to start anew. If you do not know Christ's love - then seek him, seek his love - he made you, though you may not know him, he still knows you, he knit you in his mother's womb and he desires to know you. For those of you who do know Christ's love and mercy - allow this love to overflow from you, that each person you encounter may encounter Christ through you! 

The Father's Love

This lent our Lord taught me so many things that I'm sure I have not yet realized, but there is one part that I want to share with you all - the Father's Love. The love of the Father is something that is so hard to grasp in this world, with so much brokenness, especially in family life - and even more so with lack of fatherly figures specifically.

So as I may have mentioned, I help with a high school youth group this year and the Lord has taught me a lot about the Father's love through this. We recently talked to at a girl's night about stress in anxiety and after that night I realized how many of these girls were struggling with depression and anxiety and my heart broke for them. To see the people I love suffer has always been something that weighs heavy in my heart and caused my heart to ache for them. I would often have this desire to take away their suffering, though I can't, which is where Jesus comes in. He died on the cross, and resurrected from the dead for the salvation of our souls.

I was expressing this ache in my heart to one of my friends and she looks at me and says "Amber, what your saying makes me think of the Father. I imagine that in heaven the Father turns to Jesus as they ache for us and for our salvation." And this greatly impacted. I was sitting struggling through some of my own challenges and thinking about this when it dawned on as I am aching for these girls, how much more is the Lord aching for me.

My dad travels for work a lot, and he is presently in Iowa, and with this specific job I only get to see my dad once every 3ish months which is really hard, especially when I was used to seeing him about twice a month. And there was another time, when I was missing my dad, even moments when I would begin to cry because I longed for my daddy, for his hugs, for his warmth, for our tradition of eating popcorn while watching movies at night.. and I realized, if I, an imperfect human long so much for my imperfect, human father, how much more must the Father long for me, and how much more should I be longing for the Father?

So basically, the Father's love exceeds beyond what are minds can fathom. It is so vast, so great, so deep, that he gave up his only son out of love for us. If you don't have a good concept of the Father I just want to encourage each of you pray into this, to start reflecting on your relationship with you earthly father and your relationship with your Heavenly Father. If you need healing in some area seek that, our God is a God of mercy, a God of love and he desires to know us, and to lavish his love on us.