Scars Shape Us

I've been doing some thinking this week after I noticed the scars on some of my friends knees from various surgeries they've had, but also as I'm reading Captivating by Jon & Stasi Eldredge with one of my friends (this is my 3rd time reading the book if that tells you how I feel about it..) However, I've never read it with another person before, and actually talking about the things - the wounds and scars of my heart and seeing how they shape me has been really powerful, and really challenging.

I think often times we are ashamed of our scars. We cover them up, and hope nobody notices - this is true for physical scars, but I think it can also stand true for the scars on our hearts - we bury it deep inside us, and hope that the wounds we've experienced haven't been noticed by others.

For many men and women in this world their scars come from men in their lives. The girl I'm reading this book with - most of her wounds come from her dad, or an ex-boyfriend. However, as we talk about it I realized that my wounds come more from women - my relationship with my mom has always been harder than my dad, I've felt more hurt by mom, in high school and middle school it was relationships with girls that caused me more damage and heart-break than a boyfriend.

Going into this semester, I was intimidated by my clinical instructor, who was a woman - as all my clinical instructors have been, however, she was training a new clinical instructor who was a guy and I was automatically more at ease with him than I ever initially was with my actual clinical instructor. I am more at ease around the men in my circle of friends - because I put into place self-protective measures from women. I'm afraid I'm going to get hurt again... Granted, I have this knowledge about myself, I have the power to work to overcome this fear. But it's a journey... and knowing why I do things the way I do them helps me to make sense of who I am.

Our scars - they're not something to be ashamed of, no. They are the experiences of life that make us who we are. They are our testimony. And in our testimony - there is power, and opportunity.

Reflect on your scars, re-open your wounds. It may hurt, but when we have the courage to do these things the Lord brings healing and enables His light to more fully shine through us. God can use your story and your scars to teach others about his love.

I just want to leave you with a verse that has brought me a lot of hope as I go through my journey of allowing the Lord to heal the wounds of my heart.

Take courage, healing is in store for you. Tobit 5:10 

Purify Our Hearts, O Lord

Luke 24:13-35 The road to Emmaus is the Gospel reading for today. Verse 32 says "were not our hearts burning within us." Referring to when Jesus was walking with the men, opening the scriptures for them.

I read a reflection on this today, where the author pointed out that when the hearts were burning within these men it was because in that moment their hearts were being purified.

Easter Octave is such a blessed time in the Church. Jesus is present to in a very special, particular, and real way in this time of His resurrection. He is with us in a very intimate way, and purifying us - teaching us more about Himself, now that the will of the Father is complete - He has conquered sin and death, it is a time of rejoicing.

Back in the beginning of the liturgical year, with Advent, I prayed the rosary every day for the intention of the Lord purifying my heart. Once more, this act - of the Lord purifying my heart - has come to the forefront of my prayer.

 "Behold, I make all things new." Rev 21:5

I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26

The Lord desires to know us more. He desires us as we are, and to make us wholly His own people. He wants to renew and refresh us this Easter season. He wants to purify our hearts.

In this time of Easter, I encourage you to seek the Lord because He is present to us in a very special way, this is a very blessed time in the Church, of much rejoicing, and there is a unique opportunity for us to encounter the healing joy and love and of the Lord. He wishes to set us free from those thing that tie us down, that keep us in bondage. He wishes to make us light of his truth and his love.

He makes himself known on the road to Emmaus at the end of the journey, in the breaking of the bread - the mass - Christ wants to make Himself known to us in the mass this Easter season and to purify our hearts, to purify our love for Him. Dwell in him as dwells in, abide with Him as he abides with you. When you receive Jesus body, blood, soul, and divinity you become a living tabernacle of the living God and carry Him with you wherever you go. Let that truth carry into the way you live your life!

Why Do We Love Beauty so Much?

I was praying my rosary in the chapel today after meeting with a friend. We're reading Captivating by Jon & Stasi Eldredge together, and the chapter we talked about today dealt with beauty, and I was struck by a couple things.

Sunrise

The book poses the question: what does woman teach about God?
One of the answers is beauty. Beauty is the essence of a woman; it is also the essence of God. Think about this world - we see beauty in nature - there is just something breath-taking about being in the woods, or on a mountain, or watching the sunrise over the ocean. One of my favorite life experiences was watching the sun rise over the ocean with two of my dearest and closest friends.  The picture doesn't do the beauty of the experience justice, but gives you an idea.
I often get restless and make a drive down to hocking hills hiking trails because I long to encounter the beauty of God in His creation.

Beauty does many things - it says all shall be well, it invites, it nourishes, it inspires, it comforts. But beauty is probably the most misunderstood aspect of woman, and of God. It is distorted by our world, ourselves, and the devil. The devil doesn't want us to know the Lord, and beauty is essential to who God is, of course he's going to distort beauty. Our world has different perceptions of beauty. As time goes on and cultures change, the definition of beauty changes. If we don't meet the standard of what is considered beautiful we try to change our bodies.

A friend of mine once said "well Joe (not actual name) said I looked beautiful with make-up on, but he's my boyfriend so he has to say that." So I asked one of my guy friends to explain to me why guys say a girl is beautiful without make-up because we all know make-up has the ability to make us look more attractive physically. And my friend said that when a woman isn't wearing make-up it allows a man to look beyond her exterior beauty and see the beauty of her and her soul, the beauty of her feminine heart (those weren't his words exactly).

Yet women constantly feel they don't measure up. We ask am I lovely? Am I worthy to be delighted in? Do I captivate you?

Most women doubt that they have any beauty to offer the world. So we are tired - women as a whole are tired and worn down because they are hiding from their fear they have nothing to offer this world.

In ministry, the classic,basic women's session is you are beautiful. And I can't tell you the number of times I found out beauty was the topic at hand and I was annoyed and frustrated - ughh I get it, I'm beautiful yada yada yada... 

However, I don't think we get it. If we did get it, leaders wouldn't feel the need to address this topic.
Beauty is the essence of who we are. We have to do nothing in order to be beautiful. In how God created us to be, we are beautiful. But we don't get it... we don't believe that truth. We question we doubt, we feel insecure. Our beauty is good. It does good things, it teaches the world about God.
Why do we live in a world obsessed with beauty? Because beauty is essential to who God is, and it is one of the ways God teaches his people about himself through women.

Therefore, my sisters, you are beautiful. Just as you are. You don't need to strive. By being who God created you to be, you will set the world on fire. Embrace the gifts, the beauty of your heart to offer beauty, comfort, inspiration to he world. In a world obsessed with beauty, don't be afraid to embrace your beauty!

"In each person there is an invaluable treasure, a facet of the face of Christ that can't be found in anyone else." 

-Fr. Michael Gaitley-

Talitha Koum

"Talitha koum, little girl I say to you arise." Mk 5:41

The other night I asked the Lord to show me that I am His beloved. I'd had a conversation with a friend, and realized that I wasn't dwelling in the Lord, I was claiming my identity as His beloved daughter. I needed him to remind me that I am his beloved. The gospel says ask, and you shall receive. 

Once I asked the Lord, He delivered. Mk 5:41 came to mind first. Rising out of darkness has been a theme for me in my Christian life. I don't know about you, but those last 2 weeks of February were ROUGH... I had a severe case of the February blues (as I'm going to call them). Not only in my mood, and my emotions, but also in my prayer. I wasn't listening very much. I did a lot of talking. I missed a day or two as well. It was rough goings. I'm convinced my conversation with my friend Thursday morning was divine intervention. 

As I started dwelling on what this phrase meant to me in this moment I was convicted the Lord
was...is calling me (and you) out of darkness. He is calling us out of self-deprecating thoughts. He is calling us to rise out of darkness, sullenness. He is calling us out of our feelings of inadequacy, depression, loneliness. He is calling us to rise to the life He offers us. He offers us light. He offers us life abundant, life everlasting. He wants to take what is dead in us and bring it to new life. He wants to restore us. 

As Christians, we are called to be a people of joy. Joy is not an emotion or feeling, however. It is a choice. It is a choice because it comes from knowing we are God's beloved children. It comes from finding our satisfaction and our fulfillment in the love of the Lord. Joy is a state of mind and an orientation of the heart. It is a settled state of contentment, confidence and hope (definition found here). 

Pope Francis kind of covers a lot of what I want to say, so I'm just going to quote him here: 

“God thinks of each of us and loves each of us. He ‘dreams’ about us. He dreams of how He will rejoice with us. That’s why the Lord wants to ‘re-create’ us, He wants to renew our hearts so that joy can triumph:

“Have you thought about it? The Lord dreams of me! He thinks of me! I am in the Lord’s mind and in His heart! The Lord can change my life! And he has many projects: ‘we will build houses and plant vineyards, we will share our meals’… these are the dreams of someone who is in love…. Thus we can see that the Lord is in love with his people. And when he says to his people: ‘I haven’t chosen you because you are the strongest, the biggest, the most powerful. I have chosen you because you are the smallest of them all. You could add: the most miserable. This is whom I have chosen’. This is love”.

God “is in love with us” – Francis repeated, as he commented on the Gospel reading that speaks of the miraculous healing of the son of a Royal official:

“I don’t think a theologian exists who can explain this: it is impossible to explain. We can only think about it, we can feel, we can cry with joy. The Lord can change us. ‘And what must I do?’ Believe. I must believe that the Lord can change me, that He has the power to do so: just like the man in the Gospel whose son was sick. ‘Sir, come down before my child dies’. ‘You may go (Jesus said to him). Your son will live!’ That man believed in the words of Jesus and had set off. He believed. He believed that Jesus had the power to change his child, the health of his child. And he won. To have faith is to make space for God’s love, to make space for his power, for God’s power. Not for the power of a powerful person, but for the power of one who loves me, who is in love with me and who wants to rejoice with me. This is faith. This is believing: making space for the Lord so that he can come and change me”.

This love, this joy that Pope Francis talks about - this abundant life I mentioned, is offered to each and every one of us. The Father is offering us His hand, little girl I say to you arise, He is offering to help us up. He is victorious. Because of the cross, we know the Lord has been victorious. Now we must take claim to that victory! 

Worthy of Love: Part 2 - We're Broken

I was going to write this series a little more consistently, but life got in the way. So here's part 2! You can read part 1 here. I talked mainly about what love is and how Christ is the ultimate example of love. I want to talk a little more about our brokenness, and how our brokenness causes us to think we're unworthy of love.

We all of these questions in our hearts we want to be answered. For women it's Am I captivating? Am I beautiful? Am I worthy? For men it's do I have what it takes? Am I strong enough? Am I enough? As children we turn to our parents to answer our questions - especially our dads. I was blessed, my dad never really did anything that made me think he didn't love me. Rather, he lavished love on me, he always provided for my every need... I am daddy's princess. He gets me flowers and chocolate for Valentine's day. He let's me know I matter. But often dad's fail in this area - they don't let their children know they are loved, they don't answer the question of their children. And by our questions not being answered we become broken. We lose confidence. We lose self-esteem. And if our parents don't wound us, someone else will because we live in a broken world, filled with imperfect people. And then there's also Satan, who doesn't like it very much when we come to know the love of Jesus - and he also tries to interfere - to make sure we get wounded, in hopes we won't turn to Jesus but will reject the love of the Lord instead.

For me, there are a couple of stories I could tell. But I think the biggest point of woundedness in my heart came from those middle school years - 6th grade to be precise. A couple big things happened that year. I had a friend who would be my BFF one day and the next day she would tell me we couldn't be friends because of reason x,y,z - her reason boiled down to "you're too broken for us to be friends" or "you're not good enough to be my friend". And then a week later she would tell me she was wrong and ask to be friends again - so I would forgive her, we would be BFF's again only for a week or two later to repeat. Around the same time this was happening my dad started travelling for work and I felt like he was leaving me sometimes - though I know that's not true, it's still how I felt.

This wound of constantly being told I was not good enough or was too much to handle has continued to carry weight in my life. Even to this day - I lack confidence. I am often filled with fear. I fear failure. I don't want to displease people. I don't want to overwhelm people with my problems. I don't feel like I deserve love people offer me. I have a friend who I text on a bad day to vent and when I'm done venting I often send an apology text for 'dumping all my issues on them' and they always tell me it's okay - everyone needs someone to talk to, to listen to them.

Moral of the story - we're all broken. We all have times we don't feel worthy of love offered to us. Women don't feel worthy of love when someone tells them they're not beautiful or not worthy or are too much to handle. Men feel unworthy... or maybe undeserving of love because they feel they are not strong enough or failed to provide in some manner for some person. I want to leave this post telling you that you are not alone in your feelings of unworthiness. There is hope for Christ rose from the dead, more on that to come!

God bless!

Embracing Singleness

It's the before Valentine's... I was scrolling my facebook newsfeed tonight and I stumbled upon an article that was titled 50 Things A 20-Something Single Girl Really Wants for Valentine's Day. And I read through this list my heart actually broke. So many of the things revolved around a broken desire for love. We were made for love, and by Love and we are held into existence by the love of the Lord. He desires to know us. He desires to lavish his love on us.

I've also been doing some thinking on the beauty and the blessedness of these last 5 years that I have been single. The Lord has blessed me so much. Being single is a beautiful time to grow in our relationship with our sisters, our brothers and our Lord. It's a time to learn how to love other men as brothers in Christ - because in reality, most of the men we know will not be our husband... we only get one husband.

Now I'm not saying this has been an easy 5 years of singleness. I have always dreamed of being married. It's all I've ever wanted for my life. I would have been one of those people who would have been content getting married right out of high school. Granted, I'm glad I didn't. I wouldn't trade the life I have now for the world. Regardless, there have been ups and downs of the last 5 years - whether it was just really feeling lonely and wanting a relationship or thinking a guy might like me or really liking a particular guy and wanting them to pursue me. Sometimes it was easy to be jealous of sisters who were in relationships (again, not a constant thing, but there were moments where it was really hard because that's what I really wanted and I didn't have it).

Anywho  - I wanted to write a little something about the ways we can embrace our singleness in our lives, and this doesn't just go for Valentine's day... this is something to do in life in general.

1. Seek the Lord. Seek to know him, to love him, to serve him, to live for him. Our relationship with the Lord is the only relationship that isn't passing. He will always be there. He made us. He knows the number of hairs on our head . He wants to lavish his love on us. When we're single we have a unique opportunity to grow and strengthen our relationship with the Lord. What a gift. And this is so important because the people we are dedicated to care for our lesser than when we're living married life, especially once kids come along. 
2. Build relationships with your sisters (or brothers if you're a guy). Women understand each other in a way that only women can (same goes for men). Women need other women to learn how to be women (men need other men to learn to be men). When we're single we have a unique opportunity in our lives to be in relation with our sisters. Make valentine's for your sisters this year - write them notes of encouragement, love on them a little. These relationships are going to carry through the rest of your life in some way. God has placed these women in your life at this time for a specific reason and purpose - embrace that. 
3. Learn your strengths and your weaknesses. We're all broken. We're all flawed. We all have pet peeves. We all have our own quirks that probably drive other people nuts. But we can build good habits in ourselves, and break bad habits. Maybe you bite your nails - you can work on breaking that habit. Maybe you have a lot of anxiety and don't handle it well - this is a good time to go to a counselor, to seek guidance, to learn better coping mechanisms. Build a habit of daily prayer. Build healthy eating habits. Establish a workout routine. 
4. Spend time with you. I don't know about you, but so often I get so caught loving on other people and caring for them that I forget to take care of myself and spend time with myself. Take a longer shower this weekend, shave your legs for you. Do your nails. Clean your house. Have a coffee date with yourself. Go on a long run. Go on a hike. Do what makes your heart happy. Do what you need to do to feel restored. If we don't care for ourselves we aren't able to care for others. 
5. Spend time with your family. Our parents raised us. They love us more than we can imagine - even when we feel like they don't love us. They have a lot of wisdom to offer us, and they want to offer it. Let them. Let them love you. Make time for them too. 

I'd say that over the last 5 years, and even more so in this last year I have learned more about who I am and whose I am and what I want than I possibly could have imagined. The Lord is good. He provides for us. He has a perfect plan for our lives. Seek him out, seek community around you out. Seek to know, love and serve the Lord all the days of your life - that in all you do you may bring glory to the Lord. Embrace the single years - we spend most of our lives married -  this is a time to be cherished. 

Total Abandonment

St. Paul's Outreach is the organization I'm really involved in on campus, and we had our annual retreat aka Fan into Flame (2 Tim 1:6). It was my fifth one, but every year I come out of it having experienced the Lord in a new way. My first year it was healing. Another year it was hmm perseverance. Another year it was increased desire for the Eucharist. This year the phrase to sum it all up would be total abandonment.

I have seen a transition in myself recently - a transition in the desires of my heart, a purification in my love (which makes sense since I did pray a rosary every day of advent for the Lord to purify my heart...) the Lord hears and answers all our prayers. The semester I've been given two opportunities to be a leader (really to be an instrument of the Lord). You see, I always used to think that being a leader meant you had the power to change people's lives - which is true, to an extent. A leader does have the power to change lives, but it's not a power they possess themselves, it is rather a power of the Holy Spirit dwelling within them. I think back on the last two years and I think about how often I wanted the glory. I wanted people to come up to me say "Thank you, your story, your talk, your blog, etc changed my life" I wanted my works to be what caused people to encounter the Lord. I wanted to be honored, to be praised, to be extolled, to be exalted. I wanted to be looked up to.

There's a new stirring in my heart - I don't want the glory anymore. I gave a talk a few weeks ago on
a woman's retreat - and leading up to the retreat I was praying to be the Lord's instrument, to be his hands, his feet, his mouthpiece. I didn't care if people came up to me afterwards to tell me I did a good job. I wanted people to encounter the Lord because He spoke to their hearts. I lead a small group on the retreat this weekend - and I wanted these women to encounter the Lord, to know His love for them, to declare Jesus as Lord of their lives.. that's not where I was two years ago.

So as this has been a theme in my prayer lately - I really took this into my retreat this weekend. As a student nurse (and some day registered nurse) I have a unique opportunity to be the hands and feet of Jesus to my patients. I want to change their lives, and impact their hospital stay by being a gentle, kind, caring nurse - but I recognize I can not do this on my own accord. I need the Lord to be on the throne of my heart.

A lot happened in my heart over the weekend. On this retreat we have a unique opportunity to pray with our small groups, to declare Jesus as Lord of our lives and to ask the Holy Spirit to come into our hearts and transform our lives. As a small group leader, I didn't go in with the mindset to get prayed over, but I knew what to ask for if I got the opportunity. I had a really small small group (it was really nice!) and so I did have an opportunity to be prayed with. And the my greatest desire was a fuller surrender - total abandonment unto the Lord. Whatever He wants for my life, that's what I want.

check out this reflection

When it comes to surrendering to the Lord, there is 0 risk and total gain. He desires to fill us and will
never leave us empty. He never stops thirsting for us. I walked away from the weekend knowing I gave the Lord all I could, and knowing that he had filled me. It wasn't an emotional weekend, which is not my normal experience of retreats - but this year all of the retreats I've been on have had a very solemn and sincere surrender, and choice to continue to choose the Lord, and to lay my life down for him.

Our purpose in this life is to love and be loved. Our ultimate vocation is love. I pray that as I seek to totally abandon myself to the Lord, that you may join me. Empty me of myself, O Lord, so that I may be filled with you.

Litany of Humility 

O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being loved,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being honored,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being praised,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being approved,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being despised,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected,  Deliver me, O Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I,  Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I,  Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease,Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I go unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.