Vulnerability is Beautiful

Yesterday I had a bit of a rough day. I have a lot going on, made some decisions, took some big steps - and it's hard, but it's good - humble, patient trust as I continue to faithfully say yes to the Lord (as a friend said the other day). But talking about what is going on with certain people is hard.

One of my big steps was the decision to seek counseling services through my university to work through some anxiety issues. Talking about my anxiety is very uncomfortable. My first session was very uncomfortable - I left just feeling exhausted (emotionally). And I was directly asked about my counseling sessions - how they were going, if I thought they were helping (note, I've only had one session). Anyway, as soon as the question was asked I clammed up.. my chest got tight, I panicked, I almost started crying (but I didn't want the other person to know I was crying). And I got off the phone just feeling so distressed, and cried because nobody would know now..

Then I went to the chapel to pray. I still needed to pray my rosary, but first I just journaled and told Jesus how I was feeling and how that conversation was hard - and how this whole counseling thing was a lot more uncomfortable that I thought it would be.. I'm an extrovert, an external processor, and really good at sharing what's going on in my life usually - so the fact that this is hard took me by surprise.

I was vulnerable with the Lord, I didn't hide behind any fluff, I told him just how I was feeling and what I was experiencing, and then prayed my rosary - and through the intercession of Mary, laid these things, these feelings at the foot of the cross, and tried by best to surrender them to Jesus.


I had a meeting, so I headed up to that - and multiple people commented on how I look that evening - that I looked pretty and good - which was funny to me because I definitely didn't feel I physically looked pretty.. I felt a lot of peace, thanks be to the grace of God. And I was later thinking about why people thought I looked beautiful (because I have to analyze everything) - well one thing to note is I have blue eyes - and when I get emotional my eyes are honestly really pretty, so that probably had something to do with it. But the other thing - the bigger thing - is I was vulnerable. I was vulnerable with myself and with the Lord - and by not trying to hide, to put fluff on how I was feeling, to put a mask on the Lord's beauty was shining through me - what a gift!

My other recent encounter with vulnerability was on Friday when my small group met for the first time this semester. One of the girls has a lot going on - and she was vulnerable with us - she told us what was going on, how she was feeling (which I knew because I live with her and I've been watching her hurt herself repeatedly the last few weeks). Later that evening we were hanging out on our couch - snuggled up next to each other online browsing for dresses. And it was such a sweet moment because for the first time in a few weeks we were present to each other, all our guards down, and were able to just love on each other. And that night I was really grateful for vulnerability.

I guess, you could say, what I have been learning the most recently is that there is no point in putting on a face, in putting on a mask - that it is best to just 'be real' or be honest with people when they ask how you're doing. If you don't let people know you're struggling, how are you going to get the support you need to overcome/work through the struggle?

Bear your soul to someone, let them in, let them see you're broken. It is in vulnerability that our soul receives healing. 

The Lord is Faithful

Lately, it seems that every day in my prayer the Lord is letting me know He is faithful and he has a perfect plan with perfect timing. And, as I struggle to trust Him and relinquish control to Him, He continues to meet me with mercy and give me little gifts that let me know he is near and he is working. 

The other night I was in adoration, and lamentations 3 came to me, so I started reading and I also came upon some of the psalms and I want to share with you a little of what the Lord has been speaking to me - and letting me know the promises He has made to be faithful. 

The LORD’s acts of mercy are not exhausted, his compassion is not spent;

They are renewed each morning—great is your faithfulness!

The LORD is my portion, I tell myself, therefore I will hope in him.

The LORD is good to those who trust in him, to the one that seeks him;

It is good to hope in silence for the LORD’s deliverance. Lam. 3:22-26

Blessed be the LORD, my rock, who trains my hands for battle, my fingers for war; My safeguard and my fortress, my stronghold, my deliverer, My shield, in whom I take refuge, who subdues peoples under me. LORD, what is man that you take notice of him; the son of man, that you think of him? Man is but a breath,

his days are like a passing shadow. Ps. 144:1-4

I will extol you, my God and king; I will bless your name forever and ever. Every day I will bless you; I will praise your name forever and ever. Great is the LORD and worthy of much praise, whose grandeur is beyond understanding. One generation praises your deeds to the next and proclaims your mighty works. They speak of the splendor of your majestic glory, tell of your wonderful deeds. They speak of the power of your awesome acts and recount your great deeds. They celebrate your abounding goodness and joyfully sing of your justice. The LORD is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in mercy. The LORD is good to all, compassionate toward all your works. All your works give you thanks, LORD and your faithful bless you. They speak of the glory of your reign and tell of your mighty works, Making known to the sons of men your mighty acts, the majestic glory of your rule. Your reign is a reign for all ages, your dominion for all generations. The LORD is trustworthy in all his words, and loving in all his works. The LORD supports all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look hopefully to you; you give them their food in due season. You open wide your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing. The LORD is just in all his ways, merciful in all his works. The LORD is near to all who call upon him, to all who call upon him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. The LORD watches over all who love him, but all the wicked he destroys. My mouth will speak the praises of the LORD; all flesh will bless his holy name forever and ever. (Ps 145) 

The Lord makes so many promises to us. He loves us so well. He provides for our every

need. Last weekend I was a leader for a women's day retreat (women's getaway) and one of my tasks was food for the day. I had planned to make dinner when we got there because I thought there was a full kitchen. We walk in and the first thing out of our mouths after finding the light switch was "where's the stove". We were having sweet potato black bean chili, and I needed a stove to make it. However, the beauty of soup is it can almost always be made in a crock pot. The thing was, most of the rest of the girls were on their way already (5 of us got there before everyone else to set up and decorate the facility). So we frantically start calling women who would be able to get us a crock pot. We get catch them just in time. They had already left, but weren't on the freeway yet, praise the Lord! So they were able to turn around and bring us 3 crock pots. Perfect. God provided crock pots and we were able to have a delicious dinner! Praise the Lord for He is faithful.. This may seem like a small thing, but we have to learn to see the Lord's faithfulness in small things so we can trust him in big things. 

Worthy of Love - Part 1

Over the last oh I don't know year or so - I've been learning about love - what it means to love and be loved. This has just been what the Lord has been teaching me about. This past weekend I gave a talk on how we're made worthy of love to about 50 women on OSU's campus. Preparing for this talk was quite the journey, due to my recent life events, but it was so good. I want to share some of what I've learned recently about love - what it means to love, to be loved, to be worthy of love. It's going to be a series, I don't know how many posts I will have or how long it will take - but in a country whose greatest poverty is love I think it's an important topic to be addressed.

This current journey with love goes back probably to July when I served as a camp counselor for middle schoolers and my mission for the week (given by the directors of counselors) was to love my campers better - and take my frustrations to Mary. That week of camp was my first time ever working with middle schoolers, and it was great but challenging in ways I didn't expect. I remember being surprised when I opened my box that held my mission for the week. 'what do you mean I'm not loving well, that's a way that so many people honor me....' So thus started a journey with love.

As I began preparing for the talk I gave this weekend I started with just praying about love. I don't know where I have no idea where this quote came from - probably from a daily reflection - but it sparked quite the inspiration.

The more we come into contact with God's love for us, the more we will be able to love everyone else - even when we don't feel like it. 

After reading this quote, I knew there was something more the Lord wanted to teach me about love. So I started reflecting on what is love.

Love is the cross. Love is sacrifice. Love is laying your life down for the life of another. Love is desiring the other's good, their best interest.

Love comes as a listening ear. Love comes as a kind hug. Love comes as a gentle touch. Love comes as a smile. Love comes as kind words. Love comes as a beautiful sunset, sunrise, sky. Love comes as beauty. Love comes as strength.

Love comes through gratitude. Love comes through humility.Love comes through gentleness. Love comes through kindness. Love comes through prudence and discipline.

Jesus Christ is the perfect example of love. The Holy Trinity loves me perfectly, and you too. Because of their love I can be confident and courageous. I should be striving always to grow in the perfection of love - in the way I love and in the way I receive love.


When I was praying through some of this I remember I had been feeling overwhelmed by the number of people who wanted to pour love on me.. and I didn't want to accept it because I didn't feel worthy of receiving the love offered to me.

Stay tuned for what comes next!

The Lord is Near

The Lord lets us know He is near.

It turns out I don't handle failing too great. The number of times I've cried the last few weeks is obnoxious. My emotions are outta control, I had my college I don't know what I'm doing with my life crisis... I've fought with my mom, pushed my friends away - except maybe one who I've leaned on the whole time and can always count on to be a rock for me when I need it most..

Last night was another one of those sleepless nights, so I send a novel long text to my friend who tends to be my rock, and got a response early this afternoon - and it ended with being told that I'm amazing woman with amazing strength.... errr cue water works. I had to leave for babysitting so I calmed down and pulled myself together pretty quickly. Then I stopped for chai tea latte because those always make me feel better. Whenever I'm sick with sinus stuff I get one because the spice of it makes me feel a lot better. So I thought maybe it would make me feel better today. I went through the drive-thru and I always use my card on my phone, but the scanner thing wasn't working very well today. After a couple attempts the guy gave up and decided to just give me drink - saying it was on him today. As I drove off I thanked the Lord for this little gift. And I realized how much He has been blessing me, giving me little gifts to know He is near. Here are a few of the ways He has shown me he is near:

• multiple sunny days in a row (that doesn't happen hear in winter) 
• warm days (for Dec)
• a really cozy heated blanket
• speaking to me clearly in prayer 
• a good dinner date with a friend
• getting to spend 3 hrs with Steph (a dear friend serving in MN this year)
• facetiming with Lauren (a dear friend serving in TX) 
• Finishing my journal today, which means with the new year I start a new journal which makes my OCD happy 
• good quality time with my dad
• a gorgeous sunset 



the sunset. this picture doesn't do it justice.

• a fantastic run - where my head was clear and I felt alive 
• daily mass
• compliments on my beauty from dear friends 

How has the Lord been blessing you this Christmas season? Do you know He is here, He is near, and He is revealing more and more of His love to you?! 

You Were Worth It

Lately, I've been struggling to believe that I am worthy of and deserving of love. I, rather, tend to believe the lie that because I fell short of the standard I, and so many others, hold me to, I am no longer worthy of being loved. 

For Advent, I have prayed the rosary every day for the intention of purifying my heart. So I was doing that today. Being Tuesday, the mysteries of the rosary to reflect on today are the sorrowful. So I was reflecting on the sorrowful mysteries and this struggle I am facing, this battle I am fighting. It was toward the end of my rosary and I looked up at the beautiful painting of the crucifix and begging Jesus to help me - and He whispered into the depths of my heart 'you were worth it'. Wait. The Savior of the world is telling me I was worth it.. I continued to fight this as I continued praying, and as I was reflecting on my day today I wrote a poem - a prayer and a poem that I just want to share. 

The blood, the sweat, the tears

The anguish

You were worth it 

Stripped of my clothes, my dignity 

Beaten with a whip, crowned with thorns

You were worth it 

The way up Calvary

Falling three times, and getting back up 

You were worth it

Nails pierced my hands, my feet

Forgive them for they know not 

You were worth it

Lance pierced my side

Blood and water gushed forth

You were worth it 

Coming as a child in a manger

Fully human, to endure temptation & face death

You were worth it. 

You were worth the way of the cross, you were worth the temptation, you were worth winning victory for. The battle is won, but the fight isn't over. When we stumble, fall, doubt - struggle, we must turn to the Lord in humility, "Lord, I believe help my unbelief.' Christ conquered sin & death, and He says you were worth it. As His children, He loves us. His love holds us into existence. He has only our best interest in mind. And He says you, and you alone, were worth all the suffering in the world. Know, dear, that you are loved, and worthy of love by the simple truth you are a child of God. 

Let Go & Let God

When you fail a class, you start to question your value, your worth, your ability to succeed in life. You feel like you'll never amount to anything. You question all the work you've put forth the last 5 years. You cry. You yell. You mope.

I tweeted sometime in the last 2 weeks "maybe if I just keep myself busy enough I won't have to deal with my feelings" I've been feeling quite angsty and emotional with failing my class. I felt like a disappoint to my parents. I felt undeserving of love. My brokenness consumed me, the reality of my brokenness consumed me.

I tried all my fix methods. Go for a run. Pray, write angry letters to God. Sleep in, stay up late. Write. Talk it out. Put on a face to people who ask me how I am. Surround myself with people all the time so I don't have to be alone with my thoughts. Read. Paint. Social media numbing... Literally everything that usually makes me feel better I tried... none of it work. I knew I needed to go be in nature - alone with my thoughts, and with my God.

So with my Saturday I got up at 630 and by 710 headed for Old Man's Cave in Hocking Hills. It was just what the doctor ordered. I stepped onto the trail and for the first time since October probably I felt alive. I could breathe again. I hadn't even begun to process what the Lord and I were going to work through, but I was free, free to converse honestly with my Father.

Friday night I was starting to convince myself that I was going to transfer to OSU and change my major to English with a minor in journalism. I was going to become an editor, and write a book. That's important to note for what comes next.

As I began walking I was taking in the beauty around me. I love... LOVE waterfalls, and the sound of water. It's peaceful, powerful, and relaxing all at the same time for me. But soon my path carried me into a steady path where I began to think, and to pray, to tell God what was really going on in this wounded heart of mine (not that He didn't know, but I was holding onto it and needed to surrender it to Him before I would ever come out of this funk).

I'm not okay, and I'm not okay that I'm not okay. I'm not okay with the fact that I failed a class. I'm not okay with the fact that I'll have another semester of school, when I'm already a year behind what I should have been. I'm not okay that my family's not Catholic and don't know God's love and I want to make them know Jesus. I'm not okay with the fact that I'm not in a relationship. I'm not okay that I struggle with a sexual sin and it's a battle everyday for me. I'm not okay that I had to back down from something I had once said yes to. I'm not in control and I'm not okay with the fact that I'm not in control of my life. 

Cedar Falls Hocking Hills 

But it's okay - it's okay that you're not okay because you are bringing it before the Lord. He blesses our vulnerability. Look around you - God made this palace, and He made it so beautiful. He also made you, and because He made you, He loves you and you have value and worth. He cares for the birds and the bees, how much more must He care for you, His beloved daughter?!

That's a little sample of how my prayer went yesterday. I've always known that I have a desperate need to be in control of every situation. My plan to transfer schools and change my major was most likely a way I was trying to control a situation that I actually have no control over. We like to do Texas Two Step dance nights here and multiple guys have commented on my need to let them lead when we dance... I'm not so good at trusting other people to lead me. I'm not so good at trusting God has a plan for my life.

I read a reflection once on Mary's fiat "be it done unto me according to thy word". In her yes, she is saying "I don't know what all of this means, but I choose to say yes to you God. And then she continues to wait in hope, with expectant faith. Whereas I, and I'm sure many others, say okay God, I surrender all to you, I give you my life. And we wait, or so we think, but actually we're wishing for concrete, specific things to happen. We don't wait with expectant faith and hope but we wish for the Lord to work in the way we plan out for our lives. However, we said yes to the Lord in a moment and He blesses that guess and works with us.

A prominent theme this advent, for me, has been that so long as we are on earth there will be barriers that keep us from fully knowing the Lord, but the Lord wants to overcome those barriers. With that thought coming in the first week of Advent I decided I would pray a rosary every day in Advent for the intention of the Lord purifying my heart. I knew I had barriers that needed to be overcome, but I didn't know what they were. I made this commitment to the Lord in faith. I had no idea what it meant, or what it was going to look like, but I am confident the Lord has taken this leap of faith and vulnerability and ran with it. I know He has been purifying my love: my love for others, and purifying my desire for my future vocation, for the love that will some day be exchanged between my husband and I. I am confidant He is moving in ways to prepare for this vocation I so deeply desire. And I think He took my prayer and brought to light the biggest barrier, holding me back from loving Him freely - my desperate need for control.

And so maybe you're in the same spot I am, or maybe you know someone like me. I feel like I've rambled a bit here, but I also know I wanted to share this experience. The Lord, in His goodness, helps us overcome barriers in our lives, to be able to love Him and serve Him freely.

I want to leave you with thoughts I'd written down after this realization.

"Be still and know I am God" Ps 46:10

The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still. Exodus 14:14

Let go & let God

Just be. Don't do, just be.

The journey of a hike in an unknown area is a lot like the journey of our live. There are fallen tress and rocks to climb over. The path is bumpy in some parts and smooth in others. And there are lots of little surprises along the way, where Jesus lets us know He is with us.

Psalm 145

Broken, Healed, Renewed

Monday afternoon I sobbed for three hours - aching because I failed a class. It meant I was pushed back another semester. I'd already been pushed back a whole year, now another semester. It meant I failed. It meant I didn't perform well enough. It meant I wasn't good enough. It meant my brokenness was showing.
I ran to the chapel, I ran to Jesus. I yelled at Jesus. Why did you let this happen? What lesson could I learn from this? I was mad, but I ran to Him. I knew He would console me. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows the desires of my heart(Ps 34). He knows the plans he has for me(Jer 29:11).
Tuesday I wallowed, and I studied, and I wallowed. I didn't put on a face. I didn't try to be cheerful. I was terrified. Wednesday morning's exam determined my entire future. If I failed that exam, and in turn also failed that class I would no longer be a nursing student.  My whole life, especially the last 5 years has all been working towards the goal of being a nurse. I found what I wanted to do in nursing this year. I found my life's purpose. If I failed, all that work would be worthless. I don't know what I would've done with my life. I tried not to dwell on that. I frequently turned to Jesus. I read a reflection that reminded me I can take comfort in the fact that I have a committed relationship with Jesus Christ, that my worth and my value rest in Him.
Wednesday, I showed up. I did my best. I had a panic attack. My best was enough. I passed the exam, I passed the class. Wednesday I cried tears of joy. Nothing else mattered. I get to continue on my path to be a nurse. Finals were over that day. We drank, we ate pizza, we watched TV - we celebrated.
Friday, today, I met with the professor for the class I failed. I barely failed, mind you. There was hope of finding an error somewhere. But there was no error, no miracle moment. There were frustrations. Most of the questions I missed, I almost picked the right answer - I knew the right answer, but I questioned. That was frustrating. But my professor was wonderful. She was encouraging. She was supportive. I can do this. I have it in me, but there are some efforts to be made. I met with my adviser this week too and she was nothing but encouraging. It's another hurdle for me to jump over, another hole to jump through, but we know I'll come out of it.

So why am I sharing all of this? Maybe it's because I'm an external processor, but more so it's because I have learned a few things.

I've learned I'm broken. I've said a multitude of times lately that I've learned more about myself this semester than I have in my entire life, and this continues to ring true as time goes on. I've learned my anxiety issue is worse than I make it out to be. I've learned there's an issue here that needs work, but I am willing to do anything to overcome this hurdle.

I've learned I'm loved. If there is one thing I've taken away from the past week it is that I am loved and that my hard work does not go unnoticed. Sometimes it feels that I am unloved. Sometimes it feels like I'm unwanted. I often believe the lie that I am not enough, that I'm not going to succeed, that my dreams will never come true. These lies obviously plagued me with failing. But the Lord is good, He is ever faithful.When I learned I failed, I was not alone. I was surrounded by people who loved me. I was able to run to Jesus. I had friends love me so well. A friend brought me a card with wine, chocolate, nail polish, and feel good movies. She spent the evening with me so I wouldn't have to be alone. I received hugs. I received encouragement. Friends reminded me my worth rests in Christ alone. Friends encouraged me as I prepared for my coming exams, as I lost all motivation. They checked in on me, asked me how I was doing. I did not, for one second, doubt that I was loved. I began to believe in myself again. By God's grace, I picked up the pieces and we're moving forward. Decisions have been made for changes to happen.

I've learned more of the Lord's faithfulness. Even in the chaos of this week, a girl came to look at my house, to sublease from me so I could move into a more suited living situation - and she said yes. I needed that yes this week. I've spent the last hour packing my room because I'm moving Sunday.

Lastly, as it is Advent, I am reminded that the Lord is preparing me for something greater than this world, than this life. I am reminded that despite all circumstances, there is hope, because there is a God who loves us enough to die for us. I may be broken, my brokenness may have become very real to me, but I will hold onto hope and allow my heart to be healed and renewed in the love and mercy of Christ.

The Lord takes our brokenness and works with it. He takes us as we are and uses us as instruments of His love. I just want to leave with this quote I found the other day, before all this happened. It spoke to me then, and continues to console my heart. Jesus gets more of my heart now because of this experience.

Broken things are precious. We eat broken bread because we share in the death of our Lord and his broken life. Broken flowers give perfume. Broken incense is used in adoration. A broken ship saved Paul and many other passengers on the way to Rome. Sometimes the only way the good Lord can get into some hearts is to break them. – Fulton Sheen