Worthy of Love: Part 2 - We're Broken

I was going to write this series a little more consistently, but life got in the way. So here's part 2! You can read part 1 here. I talked mainly about what love is and how Christ is the ultimate example of love. I want to talk a little more about our brokenness, and how our brokenness causes us to think we're unworthy of love.

We all of these questions in our hearts we want to be answered. For women it's Am I captivating? Am I beautiful? Am I worthy? For men it's do I have what it takes? Am I strong enough? Am I enough? As children we turn to our parents to answer our questions - especially our dads. I was blessed, my dad never really did anything that made me think he didn't love me. Rather, he lavished love on me, he always provided for my every need... I am daddy's princess. He gets me flowers and chocolate for Valentine's day. He let's me know I matter. But often dad's fail in this area - they don't let their children know they are loved, they don't answer the question of their children. And by our questions not being answered we become broken. We lose confidence. We lose self-esteem. And if our parents don't wound us, someone else will because we live in a broken world, filled with imperfect people. And then there's also Satan, who doesn't like it very much when we come to know the love of Jesus - and he also tries to interfere - to make sure we get wounded, in hopes we won't turn to Jesus but will reject the love of the Lord instead.

For me, there are a couple of stories I could tell. But I think the biggest point of woundedness in my heart came from those middle school years - 6th grade to be precise. A couple big things happened that year. I had a friend who would be my BFF one day and the next day she would tell me we couldn't be friends because of reason x,y,z - her reason boiled down to "you're too broken for us to be friends" or "you're not good enough to be my friend". And then a week later she would tell me she was wrong and ask to be friends again - so I would forgive her, we would be BFF's again only for a week or two later to repeat. Around the same time this was happening my dad started travelling for work and I felt like he was leaving me sometimes - though I know that's not true, it's still how I felt.

This wound of constantly being told I was not good enough or was too much to handle has continued to carry weight in my life. Even to this day - I lack confidence. I am often filled with fear. I fear failure. I don't want to displease people. I don't want to overwhelm people with my problems. I don't feel like I deserve love people offer me. I have a friend who I text on a bad day to vent and when I'm done venting I often send an apology text for 'dumping all my issues on them' and they always tell me it's okay - everyone needs someone to talk to, to listen to them.

Moral of the story - we're all broken. We all have times we don't feel worthy of love offered to us. Women don't feel worthy of love when someone tells them they're not beautiful or not worthy or are too much to handle. Men feel unworthy... or maybe undeserving of love because they feel they are not strong enough or failed to provide in some manner for some person. I want to leave this post telling you that you are not alone in your feelings of unworthiness. There is hope for Christ rose from the dead, more on that to come!

God bless!

Embracing Singleness

It's the before Valentine's... I was scrolling my facebook newsfeed tonight and I stumbled upon an article that was titled 50 Things A 20-Something Single Girl Really Wants for Valentine's Day. And I read through this list my heart actually broke. So many of the things revolved around a broken desire for love. We were made for love, and by Love and we are held into existence by the love of the Lord. He desires to know us. He desires to lavish his love on us.

I've also been doing some thinking on the beauty and the blessedness of these last 5 years that I have been single. The Lord has blessed me so much. Being single is a beautiful time to grow in our relationship with our sisters, our brothers and our Lord. It's a time to learn how to love other men as brothers in Christ - because in reality, most of the men we know will not be our husband... we only get one husband.

Now I'm not saying this has been an easy 5 years of singleness. I have always dreamed of being married. It's all I've ever wanted for my life. I would have been one of those people who would have been content getting married right out of high school. Granted, I'm glad I didn't. I wouldn't trade the life I have now for the world. Regardless, there have been ups and downs of the last 5 years - whether it was just really feeling lonely and wanting a relationship or thinking a guy might like me or really liking a particular guy and wanting them to pursue me. Sometimes it was easy to be jealous of sisters who were in relationships (again, not a constant thing, but there were moments where it was really hard because that's what I really wanted and I didn't have it).

Anywho  - I wanted to write a little something about the ways we can embrace our singleness in our lives, and this doesn't just go for Valentine's day... this is something to do in life in general.

1. Seek the Lord. Seek to know him, to love him, to serve him, to live for him. Our relationship with the Lord is the only relationship that isn't passing. He will always be there. He made us. He knows the number of hairs on our head . He wants to lavish his love on us. When we're single we have a unique opportunity to grow and strengthen our relationship with the Lord. What a gift. And this is so important because the people we are dedicated to care for our lesser than when we're living married life, especially once kids come along. 
2. Build relationships with your sisters (or brothers if you're a guy). Women understand each other in a way that only women can (same goes for men). Women need other women to learn how to be women (men need other men to learn to be men). When we're single we have a unique opportunity in our lives to be in relation with our sisters. Make valentine's for your sisters this year - write them notes of encouragement, love on them a little. These relationships are going to carry through the rest of your life in some way. God has placed these women in your life at this time for a specific reason and purpose - embrace that. 
3. Learn your strengths and your weaknesses. We're all broken. We're all flawed. We all have pet peeves. We all have our own quirks that probably drive other people nuts. But we can build good habits in ourselves, and break bad habits. Maybe you bite your nails - you can work on breaking that habit. Maybe you have a lot of anxiety and don't handle it well - this is a good time to go to a counselor, to seek guidance, to learn better coping mechanisms. Build a habit of daily prayer. Build healthy eating habits. Establish a workout routine. 
4. Spend time with you. I don't know about you, but so often I get so caught loving on other people and caring for them that I forget to take care of myself and spend time with myself. Take a longer shower this weekend, shave your legs for you. Do your nails. Clean your house. Have a coffee date with yourself. Go on a long run. Go on a hike. Do what makes your heart happy. Do what you need to do to feel restored. If we don't care for ourselves we aren't able to care for others. 
5. Spend time with your family. Our parents raised us. They love us more than we can imagine - even when we feel like they don't love us. They have a lot of wisdom to offer us, and they want to offer it. Let them. Let them love you. Make time for them too. 

I'd say that over the last 5 years, and even more so in this last year I have learned more about who I am and whose I am and what I want than I possibly could have imagined. The Lord is good. He provides for us. He has a perfect plan for our lives. Seek him out, seek community around you out. Seek to know, love and serve the Lord all the days of your life - that in all you do you may bring glory to the Lord. Embrace the single years - we spend most of our lives married -  this is a time to be cherished. 

Total Abandonment

St. Paul's Outreach is the organization I'm really involved in on campus, and we had our annual retreat aka Fan into Flame (2 Tim 1:6). It was my fifth one, but every year I come out of it having experienced the Lord in a new way. My first year it was healing. Another year it was hmm perseverance. Another year it was increased desire for the Eucharist. This year the phrase to sum it all up would be total abandonment.

I have seen a transition in myself recently - a transition in the desires of my heart, a purification in my love (which makes sense since I did pray a rosary every day of advent for the Lord to purify my heart...) the Lord hears and answers all our prayers. The semester I've been given two opportunities to be a leader (really to be an instrument of the Lord). You see, I always used to think that being a leader meant you had the power to change people's lives - which is true, to an extent. A leader does have the power to change lives, but it's not a power they possess themselves, it is rather a power of the Holy Spirit dwelling within them. I think back on the last two years and I think about how often I wanted the glory. I wanted people to come up to me say "Thank you, your story, your talk, your blog, etc changed my life" I wanted my works to be what caused people to encounter the Lord. I wanted to be honored, to be praised, to be extolled, to be exalted. I wanted to be looked up to.

There's a new stirring in my heart - I don't want the glory anymore. I gave a talk a few weeks ago on
a woman's retreat - and leading up to the retreat I was praying to be the Lord's instrument, to be his hands, his feet, his mouthpiece. I didn't care if people came up to me afterwards to tell me I did a good job. I wanted people to encounter the Lord because He spoke to their hearts. I lead a small group on the retreat this weekend - and I wanted these women to encounter the Lord, to know His love for them, to declare Jesus as Lord of their lives.. that's not where I was two years ago.

So as this has been a theme in my prayer lately - I really took this into my retreat this weekend. As a student nurse (and some day registered nurse) I have a unique opportunity to be the hands and feet of Jesus to my patients. I want to change their lives, and impact their hospital stay by being a gentle, kind, caring nurse - but I recognize I can not do this on my own accord. I need the Lord to be on the throne of my heart.

A lot happened in my heart over the weekend. On this retreat we have a unique opportunity to pray with our small groups, to declare Jesus as Lord of our lives and to ask the Holy Spirit to come into our hearts and transform our lives. As a small group leader, I didn't go in with the mindset to get prayed over, but I knew what to ask for if I got the opportunity. I had a really small small group (it was really nice!) and so I did have an opportunity to be prayed with. And the my greatest desire was a fuller surrender - total abandonment unto the Lord. Whatever He wants for my life, that's what I want.

check out this reflection

When it comes to surrendering to the Lord, there is 0 risk and total gain. He desires to fill us and will
never leave us empty. He never stops thirsting for us. I walked away from the weekend knowing I gave the Lord all I could, and knowing that he had filled me. It wasn't an emotional weekend, which is not my normal experience of retreats - but this year all of the retreats I've been on have had a very solemn and sincere surrender, and choice to continue to choose the Lord, and to lay my life down for him.

Our purpose in this life is to love and be loved. Our ultimate vocation is love. I pray that as I seek to totally abandon myself to the Lord, that you may join me. Empty me of myself, O Lord, so that I may be filled with you.

Litany of Humility 

O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being loved,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being honored,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being praised,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being approved,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being despised,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected,  Deliver me, O Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I,  Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I,  Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease,Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I go unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.