It seems I've done a lot of reflection on suffering in my life, and particularly in my walk with God. As you may know, I converted. Very early in my conversion, before my baptism actually, I experienced a great wound of my heart. I had been dating a guy and allowed him to become my whole world, when we broke up I was a mess, and alone, aside from God. I was suffering on a very emotional level. Because I felt like I was suffering a lot, I reflected on the sorrowful mysteries of the rosary more than any other. A year later my grandpa was dying of cancer, he died in September of 2010. As my mom was suffering, and he was suffering, I often found myself reflecting on the sorrowful mysteries. Sorrow and suffering seemed to be a very prominent part of my life. I am convinced that in those times the Lord really gave me a special heart and a special grace for suffering, but it has also taken me some time to learn how this grace helps make me who I am, and how to make it work, but still live a life of joy and hope. I remember meeting with the pastor at my parish one day and telling him how I was struggling and he told me I was lacking hope. Ever since that day hope has become a very special virtue. You see, hope and suffering/sorrow go hand in hand. You cannot endure suffering without the hope of the resurrection.
I said I believe the Lord has given me a special heart for suffering, and this I believe for many reasons. One of the greatest ones is my vocation as a nurse. I knew all my life that I wanted to spend all of my years helping other people. That's why I chose nursing as my education path. One of my roommates is also going into the medical field... actually I have many friends who have hearts for those who are sick and suffering. We often have wonderful conversations about suffering. They always have something to say that I never really had thought about... - anyway - I work in a hospital, and am a patient sitter, so I have the most one to one contact with a single patient in a four hour shift. I have recently had a couple patients who suffering very much so, and I came home and was talking to my roommate and we got on the topic of suffering. What I realized is that in working at a hospital, as a nurse, we see people at what could often times be considered their worst. Sometimes they can't feed themselves, or they can't talk, or walk, or even let us know they need to use the bathroom. Sometimes they desperately want to end their lives, or sometimes their personality is completely altered because of their injury or illness. It's really heart breaking sometimes...and there's also their family - who has been worried about them, exhausting themselves by spending every waking, free moment at the hospital.. You truly experience people at their lower points in life, and you have to be able to handle it.
I always say I couldn't be a nurse if I didn't have my faith. If I didn't have God, if I didn't believe in something greater than myself, and this world, if I didn't something to offer me hope amidst the suffering I see day in and day out, I could not bear through this life, and I definitely could not respond well to my call to be a nurse.
So, the other day when I was working I was on a really sad case, where my heart just broke, and I wished there was something more that I could do to heal my patient, and I was sitting there trying to come up with something to do, I decided to pray a rosary. Lo and behold, it was a Tuesday so the mysteries of the day were the sorrowful, perfect. Now I have this really cool book that in the back of it has all the mysteries of the rosary, scripture to go with the mystery, and the fruit of the specific mystery. I used this resource when i prayed my rosary for my patient that night, and I really reflected on the fruits of the mystery..
The three that stood out to me were courage, patience, and perseverance.
The third sorrowful mystery: The Crowning with Thorns Matt 27:28-29fruit:courage
The fourth sorrowful mystery: The Carrying of the Cross Jn 19:17
fruit:patience
The fifth sorrowful mystery: The Crucifixion Lk 23:46
fruit:perseverance
Courage, patience, and perseverance; these three fruits are so important when one is suffering, but even more so beautiful to think of wearing the crown of thorns as courageous - the soldiers and people were mocking Jesus, yet he courageously bore the crown of thorns. We suffer, I suffer with awful headaches, yet I courageously bear my day, wear my crown of thorns, and continue on to follow the will of the Father. The Carrying of the Cross creates patience, often when we are suffering we are healing in some way, and that requires patience. When Jesus carried the cross he fell 3 times, he had to accept help from someone who did not want to give it, but he did it, and followed through as committed, with patience. Patience with himself, with those around him, and with his situation. Perseverance - this can be a hard one. Suffering is rarely short lived, it is often an extended time frame, it may get worse as time goes on, it requires one to persevere, to find the strength to keep going through each day, moment by moment. Jesus persevered through the greatest suffering of all. He persevered as he died on a cross, he was there, hanging and praying, just waiting to be united with his Father.
Praise the Lord for his goodness, for his grace that he offers in times of suffering. This time of year, many people begin to struggle with seasonal depression. The lack of sunshine, the colder weather, etc all adds up to reduce serotonin levels in the brain, one begins to feel anti-social, perhaps struggle with feelings of loneliness or being forgotten. Count this as a suffering the Lord has given you. I encourage you to really pray, and perhaps even pray these sorrowful mysteries, Jesus will give us special graces to endure the suffering, the cross we are being given. He doesn't let us go at it alone. Praise him!
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