The Lord is Near

The Lord lets us know He is near.

It turns out I don't handle failing too great. The number of times I've cried the last few weeks is obnoxious. My emotions are outta control, I had my college I don't know what I'm doing with my life crisis... I've fought with my mom, pushed my friends away - except maybe one who I've leaned on the whole time and can always count on to be a rock for me when I need it most..

Last night was another one of those sleepless nights, so I send a novel long text to my friend who tends to be my rock, and got a response early this afternoon - and it ended with being told that I'm amazing woman with amazing strength.... errr cue water works. I had to leave for babysitting so I calmed down and pulled myself together pretty quickly. Then I stopped for chai tea latte because those always make me feel better. Whenever I'm sick with sinus stuff I get one because the spice of it makes me feel a lot better. So I thought maybe it would make me feel better today. I went through the drive-thru and I always use my card on my phone, but the scanner thing wasn't working very well today. After a couple attempts the guy gave up and decided to just give me drink - saying it was on him today. As I drove off I thanked the Lord for this little gift. And I realized how much He has been blessing me, giving me little gifts to know He is near. Here are a few of the ways He has shown me he is near:

• multiple sunny days in a row (that doesn't happen hear in winter) 
• warm days (for Dec)
• a really cozy heated blanket
• speaking to me clearly in prayer 
• a good dinner date with a friend
• getting to spend 3 hrs with Steph (a dear friend serving in MN this year)
• facetiming with Lauren (a dear friend serving in TX) 
• Finishing my journal today, which means with the new year I start a new journal which makes my OCD happy 
• good quality time with my dad
• a gorgeous sunset 



the sunset. this picture doesn't do it justice.

• a fantastic run - where my head was clear and I felt alive 
• daily mass
• compliments on my beauty from dear friends 

How has the Lord been blessing you this Christmas season? Do you know He is here, He is near, and He is revealing more and more of His love to you?! 

You Were Worth It

Lately, I've been struggling to believe that I am worthy of and deserving of love. I, rather, tend to believe the lie that because I fell short of the standard I, and so many others, hold me to, I am no longer worthy of being loved. 

For Advent, I have prayed the rosary every day for the intention of purifying my heart. So I was doing that today. Being Tuesday, the mysteries of the rosary to reflect on today are the sorrowful. So I was reflecting on the sorrowful mysteries and this struggle I am facing, this battle I am fighting. It was toward the end of my rosary and I looked up at the beautiful painting of the crucifix and begging Jesus to help me - and He whispered into the depths of my heart 'you were worth it'. Wait. The Savior of the world is telling me I was worth it.. I continued to fight this as I continued praying, and as I was reflecting on my day today I wrote a poem - a prayer and a poem that I just want to share. 

The blood, the sweat, the tears

The anguish

You were worth it 

Stripped of my clothes, my dignity 

Beaten with a whip, crowned with thorns

You were worth it 

The way up Calvary

Falling three times, and getting back up 

You were worth it

Nails pierced my hands, my feet

Forgive them for they know not 

You were worth it

Lance pierced my side

Blood and water gushed forth

You were worth it 

Coming as a child in a manger

Fully human, to endure temptation & face death

You were worth it. 

You were worth the way of the cross, you were worth the temptation, you were worth winning victory for. The battle is won, but the fight isn't over. When we stumble, fall, doubt - struggle, we must turn to the Lord in humility, "Lord, I believe help my unbelief.' Christ conquered sin & death, and He says you were worth it. As His children, He loves us. His love holds us into existence. He has only our best interest in mind. And He says you, and you alone, were worth all the suffering in the world. Know, dear, that you are loved, and worthy of love by the simple truth you are a child of God. 

Let Go & Let God

When you fail a class, you start to question your value, your worth, your ability to succeed in life. You feel like you'll never amount to anything. You question all the work you've put forth the last 5 years. You cry. You yell. You mope.

I tweeted sometime in the last 2 weeks "maybe if I just keep myself busy enough I won't have to deal with my feelings" I've been feeling quite angsty and emotional with failing my class. I felt like a disappoint to my parents. I felt undeserving of love. My brokenness consumed me, the reality of my brokenness consumed me.

I tried all my fix methods. Go for a run. Pray, write angry letters to God. Sleep in, stay up late. Write. Talk it out. Put on a face to people who ask me how I am. Surround myself with people all the time so I don't have to be alone with my thoughts. Read. Paint. Social media numbing... Literally everything that usually makes me feel better I tried... none of it work. I knew I needed to go be in nature - alone with my thoughts, and with my God.

So with my Saturday I got up at 630 and by 710 headed for Old Man's Cave in Hocking Hills. It was just what the doctor ordered. I stepped onto the trail and for the first time since October probably I felt alive. I could breathe again. I hadn't even begun to process what the Lord and I were going to work through, but I was free, free to converse honestly with my Father.

Friday night I was starting to convince myself that I was going to transfer to OSU and change my major to English with a minor in journalism. I was going to become an editor, and write a book. That's important to note for what comes next.

As I began walking I was taking in the beauty around me. I love... LOVE waterfalls, and the sound of water. It's peaceful, powerful, and relaxing all at the same time for me. But soon my path carried me into a steady path where I began to think, and to pray, to tell God what was really going on in this wounded heart of mine (not that He didn't know, but I was holding onto it and needed to surrender it to Him before I would ever come out of this funk).

I'm not okay, and I'm not okay that I'm not okay. I'm not okay with the fact that I failed a class. I'm not okay with the fact that I'll have another semester of school, when I'm already a year behind what I should have been. I'm not okay that my family's not Catholic and don't know God's love and I want to make them know Jesus. I'm not okay with the fact that I'm not in a relationship. I'm not okay that I struggle with a sexual sin and it's a battle everyday for me. I'm not okay that I had to back down from something I had once said yes to. I'm not in control and I'm not okay with the fact that I'm not in control of my life. 

Cedar Falls Hocking Hills 

But it's okay - it's okay that you're not okay because you are bringing it before the Lord. He blesses our vulnerability. Look around you - God made this palace, and He made it so beautiful. He also made you, and because He made you, He loves you and you have value and worth. He cares for the birds and the bees, how much more must He care for you, His beloved daughter?!

That's a little sample of how my prayer went yesterday. I've always known that I have a desperate need to be in control of every situation. My plan to transfer schools and change my major was most likely a way I was trying to control a situation that I actually have no control over. We like to do Texas Two Step dance nights here and multiple guys have commented on my need to let them lead when we dance... I'm not so good at trusting other people to lead me. I'm not so good at trusting God has a plan for my life.

I read a reflection once on Mary's fiat "be it done unto me according to thy word". In her yes, she is saying "I don't know what all of this means, but I choose to say yes to you God. And then she continues to wait in hope, with expectant faith. Whereas I, and I'm sure many others, say okay God, I surrender all to you, I give you my life. And we wait, or so we think, but actually we're wishing for concrete, specific things to happen. We don't wait with expectant faith and hope but we wish for the Lord to work in the way we plan out for our lives. However, we said yes to the Lord in a moment and He blesses that guess and works with us.

A prominent theme this advent, for me, has been that so long as we are on earth there will be barriers that keep us from fully knowing the Lord, but the Lord wants to overcome those barriers. With that thought coming in the first week of Advent I decided I would pray a rosary every day in Advent for the intention of the Lord purifying my heart. I knew I had barriers that needed to be overcome, but I didn't know what they were. I made this commitment to the Lord in faith. I had no idea what it meant, or what it was going to look like, but I am confident the Lord has taken this leap of faith and vulnerability and ran with it. I know He has been purifying my love: my love for others, and purifying my desire for my future vocation, for the love that will some day be exchanged between my husband and I. I am confidant He is moving in ways to prepare for this vocation I so deeply desire. And I think He took my prayer and brought to light the biggest barrier, holding me back from loving Him freely - my desperate need for control.

And so maybe you're in the same spot I am, or maybe you know someone like me. I feel like I've rambled a bit here, but I also know I wanted to share this experience. The Lord, in His goodness, helps us overcome barriers in our lives, to be able to love Him and serve Him freely.

I want to leave you with thoughts I'd written down after this realization.

"Be still and know I am God" Ps 46:10

The Lord will fight for you, you need only be still. Exodus 14:14

Let go & let God

Just be. Don't do, just be.

The journey of a hike in an unknown area is a lot like the journey of our live. There are fallen tress and rocks to climb over. The path is bumpy in some parts and smooth in others. And there are lots of little surprises along the way, where Jesus lets us know He is with us.

Psalm 145

Broken, Healed, Renewed

Monday afternoon I sobbed for three hours - aching because I failed a class. It meant I was pushed back another semester. I'd already been pushed back a whole year, now another semester. It meant I failed. It meant I didn't perform well enough. It meant I wasn't good enough. It meant my brokenness was showing.
I ran to the chapel, I ran to Jesus. I yelled at Jesus. Why did you let this happen? What lesson could I learn from this? I was mad, but I ran to Him. I knew He would console me. He knows me better than I know myself. He knows the desires of my heart(Ps 34). He knows the plans he has for me(Jer 29:11).
Tuesday I wallowed, and I studied, and I wallowed. I didn't put on a face. I didn't try to be cheerful. I was terrified. Wednesday morning's exam determined my entire future. If I failed that exam, and in turn also failed that class I would no longer be a nursing student.  My whole life, especially the last 5 years has all been working towards the goal of being a nurse. I found what I wanted to do in nursing this year. I found my life's purpose. If I failed, all that work would be worthless. I don't know what I would've done with my life. I tried not to dwell on that. I frequently turned to Jesus. I read a reflection that reminded me I can take comfort in the fact that I have a committed relationship with Jesus Christ, that my worth and my value rest in Him.
Wednesday, I showed up. I did my best. I had a panic attack. My best was enough. I passed the exam, I passed the class. Wednesday I cried tears of joy. Nothing else mattered. I get to continue on my path to be a nurse. Finals were over that day. We drank, we ate pizza, we watched TV - we celebrated.
Friday, today, I met with the professor for the class I failed. I barely failed, mind you. There was hope of finding an error somewhere. But there was no error, no miracle moment. There were frustrations. Most of the questions I missed, I almost picked the right answer - I knew the right answer, but I questioned. That was frustrating. But my professor was wonderful. She was encouraging. She was supportive. I can do this. I have it in me, but there are some efforts to be made. I met with my adviser this week too and she was nothing but encouraging. It's another hurdle for me to jump over, another hole to jump through, but we know I'll come out of it.

So why am I sharing all of this? Maybe it's because I'm an external processor, but more so it's because I have learned a few things.

I've learned I'm broken. I've said a multitude of times lately that I've learned more about myself this semester than I have in my entire life, and this continues to ring true as time goes on. I've learned my anxiety issue is worse than I make it out to be. I've learned there's an issue here that needs work, but I am willing to do anything to overcome this hurdle.

I've learned I'm loved. If there is one thing I've taken away from the past week it is that I am loved and that my hard work does not go unnoticed. Sometimes it feels that I am unloved. Sometimes it feels like I'm unwanted. I often believe the lie that I am not enough, that I'm not going to succeed, that my dreams will never come true. These lies obviously plagued me with failing. But the Lord is good, He is ever faithful.When I learned I failed, I was not alone. I was surrounded by people who loved me. I was able to run to Jesus. I had friends love me so well. A friend brought me a card with wine, chocolate, nail polish, and feel good movies. She spent the evening with me so I wouldn't have to be alone. I received hugs. I received encouragement. Friends reminded me my worth rests in Christ alone. Friends encouraged me as I prepared for my coming exams, as I lost all motivation. They checked in on me, asked me how I was doing. I did not, for one second, doubt that I was loved. I began to believe in myself again. By God's grace, I picked up the pieces and we're moving forward. Decisions have been made for changes to happen.

I've learned more of the Lord's faithfulness. Even in the chaos of this week, a girl came to look at my house, to sublease from me so I could move into a more suited living situation - and she said yes. I needed that yes this week. I've spent the last hour packing my room because I'm moving Sunday.

Lastly, as it is Advent, I am reminded that the Lord is preparing me for something greater than this world, than this life. I am reminded that despite all circumstances, there is hope, because there is a God who loves us enough to die for us. I may be broken, my brokenness may have become very real to me, but I will hold onto hope and allow my heart to be healed and renewed in the love and mercy of Christ.

The Lord takes our brokenness and works with it. He takes us as we are and uses us as instruments of His love. I just want to leave with this quote I found the other day, before all this happened. It spoke to me then, and continues to console my heart. Jesus gets more of my heart now because of this experience.

Broken things are precious. We eat broken bread because we share in the death of our Lord and his broken life. Broken flowers give perfume. Broken incense is used in adoration. A broken ship saved Paul and many other passengers on the way to Rome. Sometimes the only way the good Lord can get into some hearts is to break them. – Fulton Sheen

Jesus, I Trust

Jesus, I trust in you. Jesus, I trust in you. Jesus, I trust in you. 

Time and time again I am repeating this phrase, throughout the day, every day, especially lately. I'm stubborn. I'm hard headed. And like many others, I like to know what's going to happen, when it's going to happen, and how. I like to be in control of situations. I want to know when things are going to move forward, when they're going to change, that they are going to pan out as I'd like. But the thing is, the Lord doesn't always... doesn't usually work that way. Normally He says "just trust me, give me your yes. I will bless it, I will work with it." 

The beauty of God is He meets us where we at, and carries us through to the end. We give Him what we are capable of, and He runs with it. 

Recently, the God has been asking me to trust Him a lot, and in an extra way, a new way. Here's an example (I think he's testing my trust...) 

For school we had to do 10 observation hours. I scheduled 4 the beginning of Oct and 4 the end. However, for my second 4 I was sick and feverish that day - you can't observe at a daycare with a fever - all the moms would've wanted to kill me. The problem is that all the rest of the observation opportunities were filled for the rest of the semester, and I didn't realize we could add a 3rd person to the days. So time kept passing and I hadn't figured out what I was going to do, but the end of the semester was quickly approaching. I saw my friend Maire at another friend's birthday party. Maire works for an early childhood education center for kids with developmental disabilities. I realized that her work fit my need for my observation hours. So I asked her if that could be an option, and she said potentially. The one day I could observe was about 2 weeks out. So we didn't talk practical details, that and it was 1 am when we were chatting. So Sunday before the Tuesday that I was able to observe I touched base with Maire. She said she would have to ask Teresa, her supervisor and would ask her Monday morning. However, Monday Teresa was in meetings all day and Maire wasn't able to ask her. I asked Maire for Teresa's email and emailed her as well. She didn't get back to me until 9 am Tuesday morning. I was a mess from 4 on Monday until 9 on Tuesday. I had no idea how I was going to fill these observation hours. When else could I go? Where else could I go? I kept praying, telling Jesus I trusted Him. I knew He would provide, and He did. He just waited until the last possible second, literally. I just barely met my 10 hour quota. If Teresa had emailed an hour later I would've been short. 

Another example - I'm moving out of my current house in the next few weeks, but I'm trying to find a sublet. The girl who is showing interest was supposed to come about an hour ago, but she texted me that something came up and asked if I could do tomorrow. I started to panic. What if this girl doesn't work out? I have no other prospects. I need the living situation change to happen. What am I going to do? And then I remembered I just need to trust the Lord. He's going to provide. He opened my eyes to my need to move. He provided a place to move. He's provided me with support in my friends, my chosen family on this campus. He will provide a way for me out of my house, I just have to keep trusting. 

I went to confession earlier this week and the priest left me with picking one way to work on purifying my heart. I was praying in the church after confession and trying to figure out how the Lord wanted to purify my heart, what He wanted me to do... and I was clueless, so I let my brain wheels keep turning and realized how I don't pray the rosary like I used to. I was convicted to pray the rosary every day throughout Advent for the intention of the Lord purifying my heart. I don't know what needs purified. I don't what it looks like or how He is going to do it, but I have expectant, I trust. 

The Lord is so good to us. He always provides, but by our human nature, we struggle to trust Him, to trust His providence, to trust His plan. So I just want to leave a couple of scripture verses here as I bring this to a close. 

This time of advent is a time of preparation, and of waiting for the coming of our Lord. May we await him with hope, may we prepare our hearts, and hold onto expectant faith that He is about a mighty work in our lives. 

Wait for the LORD with courage;
be stouthearted, and wait for the LORD. -Ps 27:14

He will give rain for the seed
that you sow in the ground,
And the wheat that the soil produces
will be rich and abundant. Isaiah 30:23

For I know well the plans I have in mind for you—oracle of the LORD—plans for your welfare and not for woe, so as to give you a future of hope. Jer 29:11 

Trust in the LORD with all your heart,

on your own intelligence do not rely;

In all your ways be mindful of him,

and he will make straight your paths. Prov 3:5-6 

Purify My Heart

I want to share this story of mine, this sin of mine, to be vulnerable because I know in my heart this story, my story, needs shared. I know I am not alone in my struggle, but I know so many others feel alone. Sharing this is meant to offer hope, to offer encouragement. The Lord is mercy, emulate His mercy as you read on, as I have shared a part of my heart with you.

I struggle with a sin of impurity. I have for nearly 10 years. I discovered it before I was a Christian,

and continued to struggle with it once I knew the Lord for some time because I did not know it was a sin. Then I discovered it was a sin my junior year of high school, and that’s when the battle for purity began.

I went to confession yesterday. I fell again. The longest I've gone is about 8 months. Every time I go to confession for this sin I am terrified that the Lord won’t have mercy. I am filled with guilt and shame. I am embarrassed, I know better, but I am weak, and so often fail to rely on the love of the Lord. Once more the Lord met me with mercy, with compassion, with love, with grace, with forgiveness.

Advent has just begun. It is a time in the Church for preparation of the coming of the Lord. Not just recalling Him coming as an infant, but also in preparation for His second coming, at the end of time – judgment day. The priest urged me to ask the Lord one way I can work to purify my heart.

So long as we are on this earth we are going to have barriers between us and Christ. However, there is hope, for He desires to purify our hearts. He desires to bring us home to His heart.

Coming into advent I wanted the Lord to help me to know His presence every day, to see and to know where and how He daily pursues me. Then I went to confession, and was told to ask the Lord one way to purify my heart. How can I grow this season?

I have a heart, tender and broken, stained with sin - sin of impurity, sin of lust, sin of jealousy, sin of envy, sin of anger. Yet, each time I seek the Lord, He has mercy on me. He reminds me He wants to purify my heart. He encourages me to keep fighting the good fight, not just when it’s easy, but in the moments when it’s hard, when I’m tired physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually – He wants me to keep fighting with Him. 

The Lord gives us grace to win every battle. We have to choose to respond to His grace. He desires only our best interest. He knows the deepest desires of heart. He knows why we struggle with sins of the heart, what life experiences lead us here. He wants to heal us. We can trust in Him, we can rely on Him. He is with us always. 

Purify my heart, O Lord. As I prepare to welcome you, purify my heart. In my tiredness, help me to rely on your steadfast love. When I feel unloved, help me to seek your love. When I fail to trust in you, help to me to lean more into your love. In this time of preparation, help me to be alert and stay awake, that I may be ready for your when you come, that you may look upon me in love and say well done my good and faithful servant, welcome home.

I encourage you to pray. Ask the Lord how He wants to heal you this Advent, what barrier He wants to break through. Ask Him to purify your heart. And each day pray. I am choosing to daily pray a rosary, through our Lady's intercession, I know the Lord can do powerful things, I know He will purify my heart. I know he will help me to love more selflessly.

Reflections

This week is my last full week of classes... what?! And it has led me to reflect a bit on this past semester. It has been quite the journey! I have not ceased to be amazed by the work of the Lord in my life. He has brought me so much healing, joy, and love. I have learned more about who I am and whose I am in the past 4 months than in the last 21 years. Truly I am blessed.

A little over a month ago I turned the Lord in prayer, yelling at Him for giving me a heart filled with an exceptional capacity to love. Shortly following that prayer, the Lord provided an opportunity for me to shadow in a neonatal intensive care unit - I left that day knowing I had found my call in nursing. I fell in love with everything I saw, with the kind of care done on this unit. I knew in a moment that this is what I was built for, In my short time on the NICU I was talking to family of one of the babies and this kind woman said to me "NICU nurses are a special kind of nurse. I've had lots of nurses in my day (she was the baby's grandma) and since we've been in the NICU I've seen nurse who care so much. It takes someone with a big heart." ... ... ... if I could pick one phrase to describe me it would be big-hearted, hands down, no questions asked. I spent a lot of time reflecting on my life - I always loved playing with baby dolls, would pretend to care for babies all the time, it was like all I did with childhood. Clearly, I was built for NICU nursing. But what I'm getting at is the Lord answered my prayer - He very clearly showed me why He gave me such a big heart, such a great capacity to care.

In October one of my friends from high school texted me, and we started chatting. We've been friends for about 6 years now, but there are varying times in our lives when we've made poor decisions and needed space from each other. These texts brought a year and a half of space to a close. Praise the Lord. It has been such a blessing to have this friendship back. When I last needed space from this relationship I had been quite hurt, but I realized, by the grace of God, I have truly been able to forgive him and move forward to love this friend unconditionally, just as the Lord calls each of us to love every person unconditionally. God has gifted me with a great capacity for love, empathy, compassion - these are all things I've known, but I'm seeing them in action, seeing how they affect who I am and how I live my life.

Last week was my last week of clinical. I had a 4 year old as my patient, and she didn't have the best night prior to me caring for her. I was doing her morning care and she told me she had to use the restroom so I was trying to help her get to the bathroom, but she wasn't moving. She just kept lying there... and so I tried a couple of ways to get her up, but she wasn't having it. So I looked at her and asked her if she wanted me to carry her, and she gave the cutest little sad face and nodded her head. So I got us situated so I could carry her and her IV pole and such to the potty, and just step by step helped her do the things she needed to. An hour or so later she perked up and was able to care for herself the rest of my time with her.
I was thinking about this experience as I drove home that day, trying to see Jesus at work in my day. I realized that often times Jesus looks upon us, his children, as I looked upon this child - with love and compassion, and He asks us if we want Him to carry us. Our Lord desires our greater good. He is always ready to forgive. he is always filled with mercy. He is the ultimate example of love, and He loves on us, and cares for us as His little children, as I cared for this little girl.

So I guess my point here tonight is the Lord hears our cry, and He responds. We may not see it in the moment, and it may not be in the way we expect, but He does, and we can hope in that, we can rest easy, knowing and trusting He's got our backs.