The Choice is Yours

Recently I have been reflecting on the last few months of my life, which lead me to reflect on the year, onto the past 3 years. I thought about the hardships, I looked through old pictures and looked back fondly on the memories of college so far. I have 13 months until I graduate next December, so I guess it makes sense.. The reason I was reflecting on the last few months is in August I decided to be very intentional about relationship with the Lord, and "fast" from dating, meaning that if someone were to ask me on a date I would actually tell them no (or now's not the time... something to that effect) but last week I realized I was entering into my last month of this intentional time I've set aside in my life and I wanted to see what the Lord has been doing with this time. It has been a very blessed and fruitful time. But what I want to get at is longer term this is just a back story for you.

In my reflection I started looking back at my own instagram posts and there was a turning point in my posts. I realized that when my posts became more joy-filled coincided with the time in my life when I became more joy-filled. In our community here in Columbus we've had a bit of a rough semester. People have been sick, unpredictable distressing things have happened, we're feeling a little bogged down and a little burnt out. And as I've heard this from countless people and experienced it myself this semester, I thought about the times in my past when I've felt this way before, and when our community has been in a similar place before. The hardest times are often the times of our greatest growth. We went into this year asking the Lord to take us deeper, to deepen our roots. That's a bold prayer. That's asking for growth. And, I don't remember if you remember being a kid and the different growth spurts, but growing hurts -- whether it's physically, spiritually, or emotionally growing hurts.

And as I've been reflecting I've realized it's all a choice. When I saw this change to a joy-filled Amber it was when I chose to give thanks every day. I read a book (1,000 Gifts) that challenged me to write down 1,000 things I was grateful for. So I made a pretty journal and tried to everyday write down something I was grateful for. This allowed me to see the ways God loved me throughout my day. It allowed me to be receptive and aware of the grace provides me in each day. It's a choice to love our brothers and sisters. It's a choice to give thanks. It's a choice to be satisfied in the Lord. 

Over the summer one of my good guy friends pulled me aside at a group thing because he wanted to clarify his intentions in our friendship, that all he does for me, for each of the women is to love us well as sisters. That conversation brought a lot of healing and freedom in my life, and especially in my relationships with the men in my life. However, after this conversation I was tempted to analyze. Why he is saying something now? What prompted him to do something? etc... I wanted to analyze the situation; however, had I done that I would not have received the freedom choosing to accept this gift brought. If I had analyzed and dwelled in the why I would probably feel really awkward around this friend of mine, but instead I am able to love him better as my friend and brother in Christ. I chose to give thanks for a brother humble and courageous enough to have this conversation with me.

A few weeks ago I was feeling a little down in the dumps and wanted to post about it on social media because I am a product of a culture that turns to media when we feel unloved rather than actual people. I did post a photo, but I didn't use the words I thought I was going to. Instead saying something about feeling lonely, I said something about the choice give thanks even when I didn't feel like it. Here's what I said: Because sometimes you have to remember to take life one day, one step, one moment, one breath at a time. You have to remember your worth rests not in what you do but who you are + to whom you belong. You have to remember things of this world will not satisfy + rest can be found only Christ. You have to trust HE has a plan for your life + you are doing the best you can. You have to remember to c h o o s e j o y + say yes to HIS g r a c e

In this single for a season or dating fast (whatever you want to call it) the Lord has been teaching me a lot about the choice to be satisfied in Him. The past weekish I have been struggling -- wanting to feel noticed, to believe I was thought of, to be reminded that I matter to the people around me, that I am welcomed, that I belong, that I have a place at the table. And the Lord was doing this for me, but not in the ways I wanted it or expected. I wanted to come home and see my daddy had sent me flowers, or have a kind note from one of my sisters, but that didn't happen. Looking back on it now, despite how I was feeling and wanting to receive love the Lord was lavishing his love on me! Each day my prayer time in the morning was so good. I started my day with the Lord, feeling peaceful, having rested in His presence. He loved me so well -- there were times when my favorites songs came on the radio, I was able to focus on my school work well, I got to catch up with good friends unexpectedly, the weather was beautiful, I was able to go to daily mass, etc. There were so many ways the Lord was loving me and satisfying me but I didn't choose to see it. I chose to wallow in self-pity, and was miserable. But once I realized this, and began to choose joy again, There was a difference in my joy, in my life, in my love. And praise God for that. 

So as you may be feeling discouraged because it's November and we're on auto pilot for the rest of the semester or you're seasonal depression or anxiety is kicking in, or whatever it may be remember the choice is yours. Choose to be satisfied in the Lord, choose to give thanks, choose to be joyful, and you will not be disappointed. 

A Response #nursesunite

Anyone who has met me has probably had a conversation with me about either the Catholic faith or nursing because these are two things I am most passionate about. 

I believe in the Catholic faith. I chose it on my own as a 15 year old because for the first time in my life I found home. I have a personal relationship with Jesus Christ. I love everything about my faith and I want to be Jesus to each person I meet. 

The other thing I am passionate about is nursing. If you've had a conversation with me, chances are nursing came up and my face lit up and I got really excited to tell you all about what I was learning or my patient that week.. or something. 

I picked nursing because I knew for as long as I can remember that I wanted to spend my life helping people. I knew I wanted to care for people and to love people. I knew there was a lot of brokenness in this world and I knew that love, care, and compassion were the cure - so I wanted to spend my life doing these things. To me, nursing is more than a career path - it's a vocation, a calling. 

So you can only imagine my reaction to The View this week and the commentary on Miss Colorado's monologue, which brought tears to my eyes. 

At first, I was enraged. How could someone be so ignorant, rude, disrespectful, and degrading?!

But maybe she's never had a loved one in the hospital. Maybe she has never known a nurse personally. Maybe she has been hurt by someone who was a nurse... I don't know. I hope that she some day realizes how inappropriate her commentary was - and how it enraged, but more than that, wounded nurses everywhere. Her commentary cut to the heart of nurses. But I'll forgive her...

There aren't adequate words to put to our experiences as nurses. I've cared for women from different cultures, where women don't have a voice, and her husband spoke for her. I've cared for patients who were actively dying. I've cared for patients who got highly confused and I was able to calm them down because they recognized my face from earlier in the day, and they thanked me for caring for them all day. I've had patients give me a hug their last day in the hospital and promise to change their lives. I've cared for patients who couldn't remember how to give themselves a bath. I've seen the difference a listening ear can make in a patient's progress towards healing. 

Yesterday one of my nursing friends had to do chest compressions on a real person(not the dummies we learn CPR on) for the first time and all she kept saying was how she could feel the ribs breaking. They tried for 45 mins to save this patient and did everything they could. And it was obvious this girl was affected, just as any compassionate human being would have been - especially for the first time. 

I've had patients who wouldn't let go of my hand. I've stayed in procedure rooms where I normally would have left because the patient only stayed calm if I was present. 

The lady on The View made comments about our "doctors" stethoscope and about our scrubs being a "costume" but I think what kills me the most is overlooking the care and compassion nurses have to their patients. What kills me most is not that she doesn't realized medical professionals everywhere use stethoscopes and that scrubs are the practical attire for a nurse, but that these women overlooked the whole point of the monologue in the first place - to remind herself and nurses everywhere that we are more than just a nurse and to try to teach this world that nurses do far more and care far more than anyone who has not spent time in a hospital realizes. 

Lose Yourself in the Service of Others

Life is hard, but the Lord is good -- is better.

One time, scrolling through pinterest I found this image (left) with the quote and fell in love because it reminded me exactly why I decided as a junior in high school that I wanted to go to nursing school. I've been spending a lot of time dwelling with this quote lately.

I'm a 5th year senior. All of my friends I met as a freshman, and came into the Catholic community I'm a part graduated in May, and most of my closest friends have left - the city, the state, or the country - and it's actually really hard. It hard because the people I started journeying through college with have moved to the next state of life, and I feel stuck, still being a student, still going to school. Thankfully I became really good friends with the women a year younger than me, and that has been one of the greatest blessings in this time.

I'm currently repeating a class I took last year, but didn't have a high enough test average because life happens and it happens all at once. And because anxiety is tough beast to wrestle. And it's hard. It's hard to sit through lecture when the powerpoints, the professor, and the stories from the professor are all the same. I thought I would at least like repeating the clinical portion of the class, but that was also really hard. It was really hard because when I think of clinical I now think of my time at the James Cancer Hospital.

 A year ago, I was leaning towards specializing in neonatal intensive care nursing. Today, I sit here longing for the day I can go back to the James, or at least work with adult oncology patients. I realized how much I like interacting with my patients - talking to them, but more than that -- preserving their dignity, treating them like the human beings they are. At the James I cared for patients who were actively dying. Caring for someone actively dying is probably one of the hardest things nurses do.

Let me tell you a story about the patient who changed my perspective. This patient had a dressing change that was really uncomfortable and I was sharing her care with one of my classmates. He was doing the actual dressing change, but I was there and I talked to my patient and distracted them from this very uncomfortable task. At the end, the look of surprise on their face that was it was already over was reward enough. Later in the day, this patient got extremely confused and anxious and I was able to calm them down because earlier in the day when I was talking with them I held eye contact, and they remembered me, knew they were safe - but more than that, they thanked me! A patient, thanked me, a student who was rather insecure being in the hospital, for caring for them. I could see, I experienced the difference a single person can make in the life of another by loving them. And the thing is, on mother infant and labor and delivery units you don't get these patients. You see the gift of new life, which is beautiful, and a true miracle, a true gift from God, but it's not the patient population I have been given a heart for. So school is hard, but the Lord is greater than school. And I know good will come out of this time I spend seeing new life.

But the Lord is good - Each day, I remind myself of this truth - that the Lord is good. Life has been hard lately, but I don't often notice that I'm in  rough patch, only when people ask how I am, or how school is. I am convinced I don't notice these things because the Lord is pouring an abundance of His grace upon me, upon this city of Columbus, upon his people here. Because even though it's hard, I am still joyful, I still know I am loved, I still have a zeal for the mission of the Kingdom of God - the mission to be a beacon of light and hope in this world of darkness.

We have a Father who loves us deeply, and intimately. We have a Father who keeps His promise to never leave or forsake us. We have a Father who ceaselessly lavishes us in His love - he literally wastes His love on us because He cares for us that much. So I may be wishing I was in a different state of life, I may be wishing things were different, I may be wishing I was taking classes that I loved and wishing I loved what I was learning as much as I did last year, but all of this is nothing because the Lord has something so much better in store for us than what we plan for ourselves. For these things too shall pass.

Through the ups & downs, through the good times & bad may we remember that this too shall pass. May we recall the Father who loves us without ceasing. May we seek to know who we are as children of God in serving our God and laying down our lives for the building up of His Kingdom.

Bind my Wandering Heart to Thee

I don't know about you, but this summer has been rough. and much harder than I ever anticipated. I went into the summer so excited that so many of my friends were staying on campus for the summer and so many things were going to be happening! Now, don't get me wrong, it has been absolutely wonderful! Being an extrovert, I NEED people. However, prayer was hard. Being in two weddings for two of my best friends, back to back was hard. Seeing to of my other best friends get engaged was hard - and seemed to only magnify the fact that I am single and exacerbate my desires for marriage. But the Lord is good and merciful!

June proved to be the hardest month for my prayer life. I often spent my prayer time whining to God, complaining, being mad, and desperately grasping for control in this area of my life (that is my desire for relationship). It got to a point one day where I was ready to be done - done fighting, done trying and just so frustrated.... and I decided to pray my rosary, as I had started doing every day while putting the baby I care for as a summer job down for his nap. I prayed this rosary in a spirit of surrender in a mindset of 'God, I want to give up, so this is all I've got to give you' and I asked Mary to help me, to bring me back, to help me stop feeling this way. She answered my prayer one-hundred percent and then some.

After I finished my rosary I decided to read the daily readings (just kind of a habit of mine) and the first reading was from Genesis where Jacob wrestles with God. This reading reminded me of something from the beginning of the summer where it came about that the Lord wanted us to wrestle with our desires this summer. Shooooot - well, I did some wrestling then, but when it stopped the Lord has been nothing but good to me (not that he has ever been anything other than good to me!).

After I had this realization I texted one of my sisters to process with her what the Lord was doing and how he was working. And her response was the title of this post - bind my wandering heart to Thee, O Lord. So often our hearts wander to everything other than God to be satisfied. I was convinced I would be satisfied only with a relationship. I desire these things, but rather than surrendering these desires to the Lord, I was hoarding them for myself.

That same day I was scrolling through facebook and stumbled upon this quote It is well to choose some one good devotion, and to stick to it, and never to abandon it. -St. Philip Neri 
Which was perfect because ever since I first started trying to pray I have been praying the rosary! How good the Lord is to us! All the pieces started to fall into place, and since that day I have been working to keep up a daily rosary, continuing to ask the Blessed Mother's intercession and giving her my desire for my vocation. There will be more to come on what the Lord has been doing with my prayer.

Stick to those devotions that first brought you to the Lord. Know the Lord is trustworthy and has a perfect plan for your life. Never cease to seek Him, and remember to continually surrender your desires, hopes, and dreams to him.

Take Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all that I have and possess. Thou hast given all to me. To Thee, O lord, I return it. All is Thine, dispose of it wholly according to Thy will. Give me Thy love and thy grace, for this is sufficient for me.

Ignatius Loyola

God Knows Everything

I don't know about you, but the last week has been rough on my heart. I know I recently wrote a rather popular post on embracing singleness, which I stand by, but I'm just trying to be real with y'all - the last week or so has been rough, in regards to my singleness. I think it's due to what one of my professors would call spring fever. 

Spring does things to us, it makes us come alive. The whole world is filled with new life as flowers bloom and leaves grow, greenery returns, wedding season approaches and new dating relationships come to fruition, proposals occur, people graduate... and sometimes our heart strings are tugged - as excited as we may be for our peers. I know this has been my experience - people ask me what's new, how's life and I'm just plugging along. I just finished what is said to be the hardest year of nursing school. I am overwhelmed by the number of women I have in my life to call sister. But aside from that, there's nothing new - no new relationships, I have job lined up for the summer so that's nice. I have some goals for the summer, which is good. But life is just steady, constant, plugging along, nothing new to report. Which, is kind of nice. However, it would be nice to have a relationship to report because in my plan for my life I would be in a relationship currently, or very soon... but I don't know what the Lord has in store in regards to that aspect of my life. I have confidence that he has a plan for that area of my life, I just don't know what the plan is and I'm not particularly fond of not being in control of situations. 

Anywho, I was taking some of these thoughts and feelings to prayer this week. Seeking to surrender the desires of my heart to the Lord. But also asking him to let me know He is near. Which he did, more than I could possibly have dreamed. The Lord has spoken this to me through a dear sister, just in the way He made His presence known in her day, and the way she shared that joy with me. In the community of brothers and sisters he has given me and the love and respect we all have for one another. In my personal prayer and the way he has been speaking to me in his word. In the readings today at mass - for God is greater than our hearts and knows everything. 1 Jn 3:20. Where he reminded me that he knows everything and I have no need to worry about anything. But most of all in the way He loved me  - because he knows the song of my heart - through the beautiful sunset, a bright moon, seeing the stars, a relaxing & quiet evening... 

Though we doubt and fail him daily, our God is a god who knows us and who loves us! He knows what we need before we ask Him. He provides for our every need. 

Whether you're on cloud 9, down in the dumps, or chugging along know that you are not alone and you have a Father in heaven who loves you more than you could possibly imagine. He is watching over you and seeing to your every need. And there are men and women all over the earth in a similar spot to where you currently rest. Take hope that you are not alone! Praise the God who knows the number of hairs on our head, for he formed us in our mother's womb. 

Scars Shape Us

I've been doing some thinking this week after I noticed the scars on some of my friends knees from various surgeries they've had, but also as I'm reading Captivating by Jon & Stasi Eldredge with one of my friends (this is my 3rd time reading the book if that tells you how I feel about it..) However, I've never read it with another person before, and actually talking about the things - the wounds and scars of my heart and seeing how they shape me has been really powerful, and really challenging.

I think often times we are ashamed of our scars. We cover them up, and hope nobody notices - this is true for physical scars, but I think it can also stand true for the scars on our hearts - we bury it deep inside us, and hope that the wounds we've experienced haven't been noticed by others.

For many men and women in this world their scars come from men in their lives. The girl I'm reading this book with - most of her wounds come from her dad, or an ex-boyfriend. However, as we talk about it I realized that my wounds come more from women - my relationship with my mom has always been harder than my dad, I've felt more hurt by mom, in high school and middle school it was relationships with girls that caused me more damage and heart-break than a boyfriend.

Going into this semester, I was intimidated by my clinical instructor, who was a woman - as all my clinical instructors have been, however, she was training a new clinical instructor who was a guy and I was automatically more at ease with him than I ever initially was with my actual clinical instructor. I am more at ease around the men in my circle of friends - because I put into place self-protective measures from women. I'm afraid I'm going to get hurt again... Granted, I have this knowledge about myself, I have the power to work to overcome this fear. But it's a journey... and knowing why I do things the way I do them helps me to make sense of who I am.

Our scars - they're not something to be ashamed of, no. They are the experiences of life that make us who we are. They are our testimony. And in our testimony - there is power, and opportunity.

Reflect on your scars, re-open your wounds. It may hurt, but when we have the courage to do these things the Lord brings healing and enables His light to more fully shine through us. God can use your story and your scars to teach others about his love.

I just want to leave you with a verse that has brought me a lot of hope as I go through my journey of allowing the Lord to heal the wounds of my heart.

Take courage, healing is in store for you. Tobit 5:10 

Purify Our Hearts, O Lord

Luke 24:13-35 The road to Emmaus is the Gospel reading for today. Verse 32 says "were not our hearts burning within us." Referring to when Jesus was walking with the men, opening the scriptures for them.

I read a reflection on this today, where the author pointed out that when the hearts were burning within these men it was because in that moment their hearts were being purified.

Easter Octave is such a blessed time in the Church. Jesus is present to in a very special, particular, and real way in this time of His resurrection. He is with us in a very intimate way, and purifying us - teaching us more about Himself, now that the will of the Father is complete - He has conquered sin and death, it is a time of rejoicing.

Back in the beginning of the liturgical year, with Advent, I prayed the rosary every day for the intention of the Lord purifying my heart. Once more, this act - of the Lord purifying my heart - has come to the forefront of my prayer.

 "Behold, I make all things new." Rev 21:5

I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26

The Lord desires to know us more. He desires us as we are, and to make us wholly His own people. He wants to renew and refresh us this Easter season. He wants to purify our hearts.

In this time of Easter, I encourage you to seek the Lord because He is present to us in a very special way, this is a very blessed time in the Church, of much rejoicing, and there is a unique opportunity for us to encounter the healing joy and love and of the Lord. He wishes to set us free from those thing that tie us down, that keep us in bondage. He wishes to make us light of his truth and his love.

He makes himself known on the road to Emmaus at the end of the journey, in the breaking of the bread - the mass - Christ wants to make Himself known to us in the mass this Easter season and to purify our hearts, to purify our love for Him. Dwell in him as dwells in, abide with Him as he abides with you. When you receive Jesus body, blood, soul, and divinity you become a living tabernacle of the living God and carry Him with you wherever you go. Let that truth carry into the way you live your life!

Why Do We Love Beauty so Much?

I was praying my rosary in the chapel today after meeting with a friend. We're reading Captivating by Jon & Stasi Eldredge together, and the chapter we talked about today dealt with beauty, and I was struck by a couple things.

Sunrise

The book poses the question: what does woman teach about God?
One of the answers is beauty. Beauty is the essence of a woman; it is also the essence of God. Think about this world - we see beauty in nature - there is just something breath-taking about being in the woods, or on a mountain, or watching the sunrise over the ocean. One of my favorite life experiences was watching the sun rise over the ocean with two of my dearest and closest friends.  The picture doesn't do the beauty of the experience justice, but gives you an idea.
I often get restless and make a drive down to hocking hills hiking trails because I long to encounter the beauty of God in His creation.

Beauty does many things - it says all shall be well, it invites, it nourishes, it inspires, it comforts. But beauty is probably the most misunderstood aspect of woman, and of God. It is distorted by our world, ourselves, and the devil. The devil doesn't want us to know the Lord, and beauty is essential to who God is, of course he's going to distort beauty. Our world has different perceptions of beauty. As time goes on and cultures change, the definition of beauty changes. If we don't meet the standard of what is considered beautiful we try to change our bodies.

A friend of mine once said "well Joe (not actual name) said I looked beautiful with make-up on, but he's my boyfriend so he has to say that." So I asked one of my guy friends to explain to me why guys say a girl is beautiful without make-up because we all know make-up has the ability to make us look more attractive physically. And my friend said that when a woman isn't wearing make-up it allows a man to look beyond her exterior beauty and see the beauty of her and her soul, the beauty of her feminine heart (those weren't his words exactly).

Yet women constantly feel they don't measure up. We ask am I lovely? Am I worthy to be delighted in? Do I captivate you?

Most women doubt that they have any beauty to offer the world. So we are tired - women as a whole are tired and worn down because they are hiding from their fear they have nothing to offer this world.

In ministry, the classic,basic women's session is you are beautiful. And I can't tell you the number of times I found out beauty was the topic at hand and I was annoyed and frustrated - ughh I get it, I'm beautiful yada yada yada... 

However, I don't think we get it. If we did get it, leaders wouldn't feel the need to address this topic.
Beauty is the essence of who we are. We have to do nothing in order to be beautiful. In how God created us to be, we are beautiful. But we don't get it... we don't believe that truth. We question we doubt, we feel insecure. Our beauty is good. It does good things, it teaches the world about God.
Why do we live in a world obsessed with beauty? Because beauty is essential to who God is, and it is one of the ways God teaches his people about himself through women.

Therefore, my sisters, you are beautiful. Just as you are. You don't need to strive. By being who God created you to be, you will set the world on fire. Embrace the gifts, the beauty of your heart to offer beauty, comfort, inspiration to he world. In a world obsessed with beauty, don't be afraid to embrace your beauty!

"In each person there is an invaluable treasure, a facet of the face of Christ that can't be found in anyone else." 

-Fr. Michael Gaitley-

Talitha Koum

"Talitha koum, little girl I say to you arise." Mk 5:41

The other night I asked the Lord to show me that I am His beloved. I'd had a conversation with a friend, and realized that I wasn't dwelling in the Lord, I was claiming my identity as His beloved daughter. I needed him to remind me that I am his beloved. The gospel says ask, and you shall receive. 

Once I asked the Lord, He delivered. Mk 5:41 came to mind first. Rising out of darkness has been a theme for me in my Christian life. I don't know about you, but those last 2 weeks of February were ROUGH... I had a severe case of the February blues (as I'm going to call them). Not only in my mood, and my emotions, but also in my prayer. I wasn't listening very much. I did a lot of talking. I missed a day or two as well. It was rough goings. I'm convinced my conversation with my friend Thursday morning was divine intervention. 

As I started dwelling on what this phrase meant to me in this moment I was convicted the Lord
was...is calling me (and you) out of darkness. He is calling us out of self-deprecating thoughts. He is calling us to rise out of darkness, sullenness. He is calling us out of our feelings of inadequacy, depression, loneliness. He is calling us to rise to the life He offers us. He offers us light. He offers us life abundant, life everlasting. He wants to take what is dead in us and bring it to new life. He wants to restore us. 

As Christians, we are called to be a people of joy. Joy is not an emotion or feeling, however. It is a choice. It is a choice because it comes from knowing we are God's beloved children. It comes from finding our satisfaction and our fulfillment in the love of the Lord. Joy is a state of mind and an orientation of the heart. It is a settled state of contentment, confidence and hope (definition found here). 

Pope Francis kind of covers a lot of what I want to say, so I'm just going to quote him here: 

“God thinks of each of us and loves each of us. He ‘dreams’ about us. He dreams of how He will rejoice with us. That’s why the Lord wants to ‘re-create’ us, He wants to renew our hearts so that joy can triumph:

“Have you thought about it? The Lord dreams of me! He thinks of me! I am in the Lord’s mind and in His heart! The Lord can change my life! And he has many projects: ‘we will build houses and plant vineyards, we will share our meals’… these are the dreams of someone who is in love…. Thus we can see that the Lord is in love with his people. And when he says to his people: ‘I haven’t chosen you because you are the strongest, the biggest, the most powerful. I have chosen you because you are the smallest of them all. You could add: the most miserable. This is whom I have chosen’. This is love”.

God “is in love with us” – Francis repeated, as he commented on the Gospel reading that speaks of the miraculous healing of the son of a Royal official:

“I don’t think a theologian exists who can explain this: it is impossible to explain. We can only think about it, we can feel, we can cry with joy. The Lord can change us. ‘And what must I do?’ Believe. I must believe that the Lord can change me, that He has the power to do so: just like the man in the Gospel whose son was sick. ‘Sir, come down before my child dies’. ‘You may go (Jesus said to him). Your son will live!’ That man believed in the words of Jesus and had set off. He believed. He believed that Jesus had the power to change his child, the health of his child. And he won. To have faith is to make space for God’s love, to make space for his power, for God’s power. Not for the power of a powerful person, but for the power of one who loves me, who is in love with me and who wants to rejoice with me. This is faith. This is believing: making space for the Lord so that he can come and change me”.

This love, this joy that Pope Francis talks about - this abundant life I mentioned, is offered to each and every one of us. The Father is offering us His hand, little girl I say to you arise, He is offering to help us up. He is victorious. Because of the cross, we know the Lord has been victorious. Now we must take claim to that victory! 

Worthy of Love: Part 2 - We're Broken

I was going to write this series a little more consistently, but life got in the way. So here's part 2! You can read part 1 here. I talked mainly about what love is and how Christ is the ultimate example of love. I want to talk a little more about our brokenness, and how our brokenness causes us to think we're unworthy of love.

We all of these questions in our hearts we want to be answered. For women it's Am I captivating? Am I beautiful? Am I worthy? For men it's do I have what it takes? Am I strong enough? Am I enough? As children we turn to our parents to answer our questions - especially our dads. I was blessed, my dad never really did anything that made me think he didn't love me. Rather, he lavished love on me, he always provided for my every need... I am daddy's princess. He gets me flowers and chocolate for Valentine's day. He let's me know I matter. But often dad's fail in this area - they don't let their children know they are loved, they don't answer the question of their children. And by our questions not being answered we become broken. We lose confidence. We lose self-esteem. And if our parents don't wound us, someone else will because we live in a broken world, filled with imperfect people. And then there's also Satan, who doesn't like it very much when we come to know the love of Jesus - and he also tries to interfere - to make sure we get wounded, in hopes we won't turn to Jesus but will reject the love of the Lord instead.

For me, there are a couple of stories I could tell. But I think the biggest point of woundedness in my heart came from those middle school years - 6th grade to be precise. A couple big things happened that year. I had a friend who would be my BFF one day and the next day she would tell me we couldn't be friends because of reason x,y,z - her reason boiled down to "you're too broken for us to be friends" or "you're not good enough to be my friend". And then a week later she would tell me she was wrong and ask to be friends again - so I would forgive her, we would be BFF's again only for a week or two later to repeat. Around the same time this was happening my dad started travelling for work and I felt like he was leaving me sometimes - though I know that's not true, it's still how I felt.

This wound of constantly being told I was not good enough or was too much to handle has continued to carry weight in my life. Even to this day - I lack confidence. I am often filled with fear. I fear failure. I don't want to displease people. I don't want to overwhelm people with my problems. I don't feel like I deserve love people offer me. I have a friend who I text on a bad day to vent and when I'm done venting I often send an apology text for 'dumping all my issues on them' and they always tell me it's okay - everyone needs someone to talk to, to listen to them.

Moral of the story - we're all broken. We all have times we don't feel worthy of love offered to us. Women don't feel worthy of love when someone tells them they're not beautiful or not worthy or are too much to handle. Men feel unworthy... or maybe undeserving of love because they feel they are not strong enough or failed to provide in some manner for some person. I want to leave this post telling you that you are not alone in your feelings of unworthiness. There is hope for Christ rose from the dead, more on that to come!

God bless!

Embracing Singleness

It's the before Valentine's... I was scrolling my facebook newsfeed tonight and I stumbled upon an article that was titled 50 Things A 20-Something Single Girl Really Wants for Valentine's Day. And I read through this list my heart actually broke. So many of the things revolved around a broken desire for love. We were made for love, and by Love and we are held into existence by the love of the Lord. He desires to know us. He desires to lavish his love on us.

I've also been doing some thinking on the beauty and the blessedness of these last 5 years that I have been single. The Lord has blessed me so much. Being single is a beautiful time to grow in our relationship with our sisters, our brothers and our Lord. It's a time to learn how to love other men as brothers in Christ - because in reality, most of the men we know will not be our husband... we only get one husband.

Now I'm not saying this has been an easy 5 years of singleness. I have always dreamed of being married. It's all I've ever wanted for my life. I would have been one of those people who would have been content getting married right out of high school. Granted, I'm glad I didn't. I wouldn't trade the life I have now for the world. Regardless, there have been ups and downs of the last 5 years - whether it was just really feeling lonely and wanting a relationship or thinking a guy might like me or really liking a particular guy and wanting them to pursue me. Sometimes it was easy to be jealous of sisters who were in relationships (again, not a constant thing, but there were moments where it was really hard because that's what I really wanted and I didn't have it).

Anywho  - I wanted to write a little something about the ways we can embrace our singleness in our lives, and this doesn't just go for Valentine's day... this is something to do in life in general.

1. Seek the Lord. Seek to know him, to love him, to serve him, to live for him. Our relationship with the Lord is the only relationship that isn't passing. He will always be there. He made us. He knows the number of hairs on our head . He wants to lavish his love on us. When we're single we have a unique opportunity to grow and strengthen our relationship with the Lord. What a gift. And this is so important because the people we are dedicated to care for our lesser than when we're living married life, especially once kids come along. 
2. Build relationships with your sisters (or brothers if you're a guy). Women understand each other in a way that only women can (same goes for men). Women need other women to learn how to be women (men need other men to learn to be men). When we're single we have a unique opportunity in our lives to be in relation with our sisters. Make valentine's for your sisters this year - write them notes of encouragement, love on them a little. These relationships are going to carry through the rest of your life in some way. God has placed these women in your life at this time for a specific reason and purpose - embrace that. 
3. Learn your strengths and your weaknesses. We're all broken. We're all flawed. We all have pet peeves. We all have our own quirks that probably drive other people nuts. But we can build good habits in ourselves, and break bad habits. Maybe you bite your nails - you can work on breaking that habit. Maybe you have a lot of anxiety and don't handle it well - this is a good time to go to a counselor, to seek guidance, to learn better coping mechanisms. Build a habit of daily prayer. Build healthy eating habits. Establish a workout routine. 
4. Spend time with you. I don't know about you, but so often I get so caught loving on other people and caring for them that I forget to take care of myself and spend time with myself. Take a longer shower this weekend, shave your legs for you. Do your nails. Clean your house. Have a coffee date with yourself. Go on a long run. Go on a hike. Do what makes your heart happy. Do what you need to do to feel restored. If we don't care for ourselves we aren't able to care for others. 
5. Spend time with your family. Our parents raised us. They love us more than we can imagine - even when we feel like they don't love us. They have a lot of wisdom to offer us, and they want to offer it. Let them. Let them love you. Make time for them too. 

I'd say that over the last 5 years, and even more so in this last year I have learned more about who I am and whose I am and what I want than I possibly could have imagined. The Lord is good. He provides for us. He has a perfect plan for our lives. Seek him out, seek community around you out. Seek to know, love and serve the Lord all the days of your life - that in all you do you may bring glory to the Lord. Embrace the single years - we spend most of our lives married -  this is a time to be cherished. 

Total Abandonment

St. Paul's Outreach is the organization I'm really involved in on campus, and we had our annual retreat aka Fan into Flame (2 Tim 1:6). It was my fifth one, but every year I come out of it having experienced the Lord in a new way. My first year it was healing. Another year it was hmm perseverance. Another year it was increased desire for the Eucharist. This year the phrase to sum it all up would be total abandonment.

I have seen a transition in myself recently - a transition in the desires of my heart, a purification in my love (which makes sense since I did pray a rosary every day of advent for the Lord to purify my heart...) the Lord hears and answers all our prayers. The semester I've been given two opportunities to be a leader (really to be an instrument of the Lord). You see, I always used to think that being a leader meant you had the power to change people's lives - which is true, to an extent. A leader does have the power to change lives, but it's not a power they possess themselves, it is rather a power of the Holy Spirit dwelling within them. I think back on the last two years and I think about how often I wanted the glory. I wanted people to come up to me say "Thank you, your story, your talk, your blog, etc changed my life" I wanted my works to be what caused people to encounter the Lord. I wanted to be honored, to be praised, to be extolled, to be exalted. I wanted to be looked up to.

There's a new stirring in my heart - I don't want the glory anymore. I gave a talk a few weeks ago on
a woman's retreat - and leading up to the retreat I was praying to be the Lord's instrument, to be his hands, his feet, his mouthpiece. I didn't care if people came up to me afterwards to tell me I did a good job. I wanted people to encounter the Lord because He spoke to their hearts. I lead a small group on the retreat this weekend - and I wanted these women to encounter the Lord, to know His love for them, to declare Jesus as Lord of their lives.. that's not where I was two years ago.

So as this has been a theme in my prayer lately - I really took this into my retreat this weekend. As a student nurse (and some day registered nurse) I have a unique opportunity to be the hands and feet of Jesus to my patients. I want to change their lives, and impact their hospital stay by being a gentle, kind, caring nurse - but I recognize I can not do this on my own accord. I need the Lord to be on the throne of my heart.

A lot happened in my heart over the weekend. On this retreat we have a unique opportunity to pray with our small groups, to declare Jesus as Lord of our lives and to ask the Holy Spirit to come into our hearts and transform our lives. As a small group leader, I didn't go in with the mindset to get prayed over, but I knew what to ask for if I got the opportunity. I had a really small small group (it was really nice!) and so I did have an opportunity to be prayed with. And the my greatest desire was a fuller surrender - total abandonment unto the Lord. Whatever He wants for my life, that's what I want.

check out this reflection

When it comes to surrendering to the Lord, there is 0 risk and total gain. He desires to fill us and will
never leave us empty. He never stops thirsting for us. I walked away from the weekend knowing I gave the Lord all I could, and knowing that he had filled me. It wasn't an emotional weekend, which is not my normal experience of retreats - but this year all of the retreats I've been on have had a very solemn and sincere surrender, and choice to continue to choose the Lord, and to lay my life down for him.

Our purpose in this life is to love and be loved. Our ultimate vocation is love. I pray that as I seek to totally abandon myself to the Lord, that you may join me. Empty me of myself, O Lord, so that I may be filled with you.

Litany of Humility 

O Jesus, meek and humble of heart, Hear me.

From the desire of being esteemed,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being loved,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being extolled,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being honored,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being praised,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being preferred to others,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being consulted,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the desire of being approved,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being humiliated,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being despised,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of suffering rebukes,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being calumniated,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being forgotten,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being ridiculed,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being wronged,  Deliver me, O Jesus.
From the fear of being suspected,  Deliver me, O Jesus.

That others may be loved more than I,  Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be esteemed more than I,  Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That, in the opinion of the world, others may increase and I may decrease,Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be chosen and I set aside, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be praised and I go unnoticed, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may be preferred to me in everything, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it.
That others may become holier than I, provided that I may become as holy as I should, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it. 

Vulnerability is Beautiful

Yesterday I had a bit of a rough day. I have a lot going on, made some decisions, took some big steps - and it's hard, but it's good - humble, patient trust as I continue to faithfully say yes to the Lord (as a friend said the other day). But talking about what is going on with certain people is hard.

One of my big steps was the decision to seek counseling services through my university to work through some anxiety issues. Talking about my anxiety is very uncomfortable. My first session was very uncomfortable - I left just feeling exhausted (emotionally). And I was directly asked about my counseling sessions - how they were going, if I thought they were helping (note, I've only had one session). Anyway, as soon as the question was asked I clammed up.. my chest got tight, I panicked, I almost started crying (but I didn't want the other person to know I was crying). And I got off the phone just feeling so distressed, and cried because nobody would know now..

Then I went to the chapel to pray. I still needed to pray my rosary, but first I just journaled and told Jesus how I was feeling and how that conversation was hard - and how this whole counseling thing was a lot more uncomfortable that I thought it would be.. I'm an extrovert, an external processor, and really good at sharing what's going on in my life usually - so the fact that this is hard took me by surprise.

I was vulnerable with the Lord, I didn't hide behind any fluff, I told him just how I was feeling and what I was experiencing, and then prayed my rosary - and through the intercession of Mary, laid these things, these feelings at the foot of the cross, and tried by best to surrender them to Jesus.


I had a meeting, so I headed up to that - and multiple people commented on how I look that evening - that I looked pretty and good - which was funny to me because I definitely didn't feel I physically looked pretty.. I felt a lot of peace, thanks be to the grace of God. And I was later thinking about why people thought I looked beautiful (because I have to analyze everything) - well one thing to note is I have blue eyes - and when I get emotional my eyes are honestly really pretty, so that probably had something to do with it. But the other thing - the bigger thing - is I was vulnerable. I was vulnerable with myself and with the Lord - and by not trying to hide, to put fluff on how I was feeling, to put a mask on the Lord's beauty was shining through me - what a gift!

My other recent encounter with vulnerability was on Friday when my small group met for the first time this semester. One of the girls has a lot going on - and she was vulnerable with us - she told us what was going on, how she was feeling (which I knew because I live with her and I've been watching her hurt herself repeatedly the last few weeks). Later that evening we were hanging out on our couch - snuggled up next to each other online browsing for dresses. And it was such a sweet moment because for the first time in a few weeks we were present to each other, all our guards down, and were able to just love on each other. And that night I was really grateful for vulnerability.

I guess, you could say, what I have been learning the most recently is that there is no point in putting on a face, in putting on a mask - that it is best to just 'be real' or be honest with people when they ask how you're doing. If you don't let people know you're struggling, how are you going to get the support you need to overcome/work through the struggle?

Bear your soul to someone, let them in, let them see you're broken. It is in vulnerability that our soul receives healing. 

The Lord is Faithful

Lately, it seems that every day in my prayer the Lord is letting me know He is faithful and he has a perfect plan with perfect timing. And, as I struggle to trust Him and relinquish control to Him, He continues to meet me with mercy and give me little gifts that let me know he is near and he is working. 

The other night I was in adoration, and lamentations 3 came to me, so I started reading and I also came upon some of the psalms and I want to share with you a little of what the Lord has been speaking to me - and letting me know the promises He has made to be faithful. 

The LORD’s acts of mercy are not exhausted, his compassion is not spent;

They are renewed each morning—great is your faithfulness!

The LORD is my portion, I tell myself, therefore I will hope in him.

The LORD is good to those who trust in him, to the one that seeks him;

It is good to hope in silence for the LORD’s deliverance. Lam. 3:22-26

Blessed be the LORD, my rock, who trains my hands for battle, my fingers for war; My safeguard and my fortress, my stronghold, my deliverer, My shield, in whom I take refuge, who subdues peoples under me. LORD, what is man that you take notice of him; the son of man, that you think of him? Man is but a breath,

his days are like a passing shadow. Ps. 144:1-4

I will extol you, my God and king; I will bless your name forever and ever. Every day I will bless you; I will praise your name forever and ever. Great is the LORD and worthy of much praise, whose grandeur is beyond understanding. One generation praises your deeds to the next and proclaims your mighty works. They speak of the splendor of your majestic glory, tell of your wonderful deeds. They speak of the power of your awesome acts and recount your great deeds. They celebrate your abounding goodness and joyfully sing of your justice. The LORD is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in mercy. The LORD is good to all, compassionate toward all your works. All your works give you thanks, LORD and your faithful bless you. They speak of the glory of your reign and tell of your mighty works, Making known to the sons of men your mighty acts, the majestic glory of your rule. Your reign is a reign for all ages, your dominion for all generations. The LORD is trustworthy in all his words, and loving in all his works. The LORD supports all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look hopefully to you; you give them their food in due season. You open wide your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing. The LORD is just in all his ways, merciful in all his works. The LORD is near to all who call upon him, to all who call upon him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. The LORD watches over all who love him, but all the wicked he destroys. My mouth will speak the praises of the LORD; all flesh will bless his holy name forever and ever. (Ps 145) 

The Lord makes so many promises to us. He loves us so well. He provides for our every

need. Last weekend I was a leader for a women's day retreat (women's getaway) and one of my tasks was food for the day. I had planned to make dinner when we got there because I thought there was a full kitchen. We walk in and the first thing out of our mouths after finding the light switch was "where's the stove". We were having sweet potato black bean chili, and I needed a stove to make it. However, the beauty of soup is it can almost always be made in a crock pot. The thing was, most of the rest of the girls were on their way already (5 of us got there before everyone else to set up and decorate the facility). So we frantically start calling women who would be able to get us a crock pot. We get catch them just in time. They had already left, but weren't on the freeway yet, praise the Lord! So they were able to turn around and bring us 3 crock pots. Perfect. God provided crock pots and we were able to have a delicious dinner! Praise the Lord for He is faithful.. This may seem like a small thing, but we have to learn to see the Lord's faithfulness in small things so we can trust him in big things. 

Worthy of Love - Part 1

Over the last oh I don't know year or so - I've been learning about love - what it means to love and be loved. This has just been what the Lord has been teaching me about. This past weekend I gave a talk on how we're made worthy of love to about 50 women on OSU's campus. Preparing for this talk was quite the journey, due to my recent life events, but it was so good. I want to share some of what I've learned recently about love - what it means to love, to be loved, to be worthy of love. It's going to be a series, I don't know how many posts I will have or how long it will take - but in a country whose greatest poverty is love I think it's an important topic to be addressed.

This current journey with love goes back probably to July when I served as a camp counselor for middle schoolers and my mission for the week (given by the directors of counselors) was to love my campers better - and take my frustrations to Mary. That week of camp was my first time ever working with middle schoolers, and it was great but challenging in ways I didn't expect. I remember being surprised when I opened my box that held my mission for the week. 'what do you mean I'm not loving well, that's a way that so many people honor me....' So thus started a journey with love.

As I began preparing for the talk I gave this weekend I started with just praying about love. I don't know where I have no idea where this quote came from - probably from a daily reflection - but it sparked quite the inspiration.

The more we come into contact with God's love for us, the more we will be able to love everyone else - even when we don't feel like it. 

After reading this quote, I knew there was something more the Lord wanted to teach me about love. So I started reflecting on what is love.

Love is the cross. Love is sacrifice. Love is laying your life down for the life of another. Love is desiring the other's good, their best interest.

Love comes as a listening ear. Love comes as a kind hug. Love comes as a gentle touch. Love comes as a smile. Love comes as kind words. Love comes as a beautiful sunset, sunrise, sky. Love comes as beauty. Love comes as strength.

Love comes through gratitude. Love comes through humility.Love comes through gentleness. Love comes through kindness. Love comes through prudence and discipline.

Jesus Christ is the perfect example of love. The Holy Trinity loves me perfectly, and you too. Because of their love I can be confident and courageous. I should be striving always to grow in the perfection of love - in the way I love and in the way I receive love.


When I was praying through some of this I remember I had been feeling overwhelmed by the number of people who wanted to pour love on me.. and I didn't want to accept it because I didn't feel worthy of receiving the love offered to me.

Stay tuned for what comes next!