Love Part 2: Doubt

On the way to mass today I was reflecting on why I am having -- always have, a hard time accepting that I am not a burden to those around me and I don't bother them. In this reflection I came to realize that I believe I am unlovable - incapable of being loved. I doubt God can possibly love me; therefore, I of course doubt that others can love me.

I entered the church, to pray before mass, with these thoughts on my heart. I started praying the stations of the cross, as I have been every day for lent, and the third station stopped me today. 

                         The third station of the cross: Jesus falls the first time. 

                                       "Lord Jesus, the weight of the cross made you fall to the ground. The weight our sin, the weight of our pride brought you down." (Prayer from the 3rd station)

Yes, the cross was heavy, but it was not the weight of the cross alone. The cross is composed of my sin, my doubt, my despair, my failures. It was my doubt in Jesus' ability to love me that I caused him to fall my doubt that he did this - died on the cross - simply because he loved me. He took on all this suffering so that I may one day have eternal life. 

In my journey with love so far this lent, I have seen there is a need to grow in love of myself, love of God, and love of others. Something I really struggle with is accepting love from others. I have this friend who continues to love me, and put up with rants and antics, and I'm constantly asking them why do you care? Why do you put up with me? Am I burden to you? Don't you find me annoying? 

 I'm doubting that they love me, that they are capable of caring for me. I do this with all the people in my life, but with some people it's more prominent because I feel like they shouldn't care for me or love me. I do this with Jesus, as I stated earlier, and because I do this - my relationship with Jesus and with others is not what it could be. 

Then again, we must remember that none of us are perfect, and this, I'm sure, will continue to be a challenge of mine throughout my life. However, there is hope - as we struggle, and as we doubt the love God, and others, has for us. There is hope in that Jesus not only died, but he resurrected. He rose from the empty, and ascended to heaven. He won the victory, we must simply seek out our Lord, and he will give us the grace to begin to accept the love he wishes to give us. 

"As the deer longs for streams of living water, so my soul thirsts for you, O God. My being thirsts for God the living God.." Psalm 42:2-3

"Look at His adorable face.
Look at His glazed and sunken eyes.
Look at His wounds.
Look Jesus in the Face.
There, you will see how He loves us."
-St. Therese of Lisieux