Vulnerability is Beautiful

Yesterday I had a bit of a rough day. I have a lot going on, made some decisions, took some big steps - and it's hard, but it's good - humble, patient trust as I continue to faithfully say yes to the Lord (as a friend said the other day). But talking about what is going on with certain people is hard.

One of my big steps was the decision to seek counseling services through my university to work through some anxiety issues. Talking about my anxiety is very uncomfortable. My first session was very uncomfortable - I left just feeling exhausted (emotionally). And I was directly asked about my counseling sessions - how they were going, if I thought they were helping (note, I've only had one session). Anyway, as soon as the question was asked I clammed up.. my chest got tight, I panicked, I almost started crying (but I didn't want the other person to know I was crying). And I got off the phone just feeling so distressed, and cried because nobody would know now..

Then I went to the chapel to pray. I still needed to pray my rosary, but first I just journaled and told Jesus how I was feeling and how that conversation was hard - and how this whole counseling thing was a lot more uncomfortable that I thought it would be.. I'm an extrovert, an external processor, and really good at sharing what's going on in my life usually - so the fact that this is hard took me by surprise.

I was vulnerable with the Lord, I didn't hide behind any fluff, I told him just how I was feeling and what I was experiencing, and then prayed my rosary - and through the intercession of Mary, laid these things, these feelings at the foot of the cross, and tried by best to surrender them to Jesus.


I had a meeting, so I headed up to that - and multiple people commented on how I look that evening - that I looked pretty and good - which was funny to me because I definitely didn't feel I physically looked pretty.. I felt a lot of peace, thanks be to the grace of God. And I was later thinking about why people thought I looked beautiful (because I have to analyze everything) - well one thing to note is I have blue eyes - and when I get emotional my eyes are honestly really pretty, so that probably had something to do with it. But the other thing - the bigger thing - is I was vulnerable. I was vulnerable with myself and with the Lord - and by not trying to hide, to put fluff on how I was feeling, to put a mask on the Lord's beauty was shining through me - what a gift!

My other recent encounter with vulnerability was on Friday when my small group met for the first time this semester. One of the girls has a lot going on - and she was vulnerable with us - she told us what was going on, how she was feeling (which I knew because I live with her and I've been watching her hurt herself repeatedly the last few weeks). Later that evening we were hanging out on our couch - snuggled up next to each other online browsing for dresses. And it was such a sweet moment because for the first time in a few weeks we were present to each other, all our guards down, and were able to just love on each other. And that night I was really grateful for vulnerability.

I guess, you could say, what I have been learning the most recently is that there is no point in putting on a face, in putting on a mask - that it is best to just 'be real' or be honest with people when they ask how you're doing. If you don't let people know you're struggling, how are you going to get the support you need to overcome/work through the struggle?

Bear your soul to someone, let them in, let them see you're broken. It is in vulnerability that our soul receives healing.