Because of His Love

It seems every college student has moments where they ask themselves "what am I doing with my life? Is this really what I want to do? Am I cut out for this?" The last one was the question at hand today. I'm a nursing major. My heart's desire has always been to help people, and I just knew nursing was where I was supposed to be. People often ask me why I chose nursing, and I tell them I just knew that's what I was supposed to do. However, today I had that moment where I had to wonder is this really the right thing, do I have what it takes to be a nurse?

I can't watch an ambulance pull away when I loved one is in it. My brother was in an accident where I had to watch him leave in an ambulance full of strangers and I couldn't be at his side. I was strong for my family, by the grace of God, the entire night until my brother was no longer at my side and I could no longer be aware of what was going on. I remember feeling myself heart sink, and wanting to buckle to the floor. I can't watch an ambulance pull away when a loved one is in it without crying, but if I can go with them it's fine. That's not what sparked today's question, but it was factored in.

Today, in class we talked about cancer cells, which is a little touchy of a topic. I know very well what cancer is, and how it kills people. Today my professor, whose class I struggle in to begin with, keeps asking "how does cancer kill people" All I could think of was my grandfather suffering to his death, slowly becoming weaker as the cancer took over his body, and his organs slowly shut down. Eventually, our professor got his answer, but it caused a few too many of buttons to be pushed, and I was fuming as I left class. We know how cancer kills people. We don't need to go into in depth discussions about how it kills people, and takes over their bodies and the families have to watch their loved one suffer, and a 17 year old has to hold her mother as she mourns her father, and be the strong one.

My emotional baggage to these two things made me wonder - why am I doing this? Do I really want to be a nurse? Can I handle being a nurse? What about when a patient has to be sent to a different hospital, will I have to walk away and cry? How am I ever going to do this? Plus I just want to be a mom anyway. I want to be a stay at home mom and care for my children - raise them with love, and help them to come to know Jesus all their lives. Why am I even going to nursing school?

Earlier in the day I had decided to go on a run, so after my class, as all these thoughts are running through my mind I decide to go on my run - it'll help me blow off steam. So I drive to park of roses, which is one of my favorite placed in Columbus, especially when roses are in full bloom, it's so beautiful, but it's a beautiful park in general so I like to go there to run. As I start my run I am continuing to think about all of this and call on our Lord.

God, what am I doing? Is this what I'm supposed to be doing? I just want to be a mom, what are you doing in my life right now?

I expressed to my Father what was bothering me, and he brought me peace. First, our gracious King reminded how he is with me always, he has called me to be a student, and this is a time for me to grow - to build sisterhood, and to strengthen my relationship with him, Then a verse from the readings today, and my prayer time this morning came to mind:
                                                             "God indeed is my Savior; 

I am confident and unafraid. 

My strength and my courage is the Lord, 

and he has been my Savior." 

-Isaiah 12:2

I am confident and unafraid. There was fear in my heart, fear that I wouldn't succeed, fear that I was doing the wrong thing. My strength and my courage is the Lord. God gives us the strength to do what he asks of us. He will give me the strength to be a nursing student. He will give me the strength and the courage to be a nurse. 

Now this verse had come to mind, but I wasn't fully convinced. I was kind of like okay God, sure. Well, as I'm on my run, the path has this curve, that I don't like very much - it's dangerous, hard to see, I'm always afraid I'll get hit by a biker or something. Well just so happens that I run across a little biking accident. I was convicted to stop, make sure everyone was okay. I told the people I was a nursing student and there was this immediate trust they had. It was so natural to me - it was so natural for me to jump in, to show I care, to make sure this woman was okay, to check for immediate swelling or bruising. It was natural. As I continued on my run I realized the Lord had showed me I have what it takes - I have what it takes because of his love. I have his love, and spread to others through my actions. The love I will love others with is the love of Christ, and none other. He is my strength, my shield, my sustenance. 

Because of His love I am confident and unafraid; my strength and my courage come from the Lord. I can do all the things he asks of me by his grace.