It Is Good to Wait on the Lord

Every day is different. However, the desires of my heart remain the same, and the struggle remains. I Face these desires, which I know are good, but struggle to surrender to the Lord and trust in His plan and His timing. I wonder. I wait. I wish.

I keep finding myself saying I wish I could have a big girl job. I wish I could have an apartment of my own. I wish I could own a car. I wish I could have fancy clothes. I wish I was done with nursing school. I wish I was closer to marriage. I wish.... fill in the blank. I struggle with restlessness with where I'm at in my life. I struggle with loneliness. I desire to love and be loved.

This week was good - I knew the Lord was with me. I was centered, I was focused, I was good - I started off the week strong, refreshed, renewed, rejuvenated. And then yesterday hit. I was tired. I knew there were things I needed to do, but I didn't want to do them, so I didn't. I watched way more tv in one day than any normal person should. I then lead myself into a downward spiral of beating myself up, which continued into the majority of today, and rather than facing the feelings, I numbed them and continued to turn to media and wish for an unrealistic love. I questioned and wondered what it might be like if I were to take a break from being Christian, even if just for a day. Finally, this afternoon I turned to the Lord. I read His word. I was vulnerable with Him. He already knew what was going on, but He rewards us for coming to Him for consolation (even if it did take me longer than I would've liked). In my time spent with our Lord today I read a homily on waiting.

I wanted to share with you some of the parts that really stood out to me.

"Waiting is open-ended. Open-ended waiting is hard for us because we tend to wait for something

very concrete, for something we wish to have. Much of our waiting is with wishes: "I wish that I could have a job. I wish that the weather would be better. I wish that the pain would go." We are full of wishes, and our waiting easily gets entangled in those wishes. For this reason, a lot of our waiting is not open-ended. Instead, our waiting is a way of controlling the future. We want the future to go in a very specific direction, and if this does not happen we are disappointed and can even slip into despair. That is why we have such a hard time waiting: we want to do the things that will make the desired events takes pace.

...Mary, Elizabeth and Zechariah were filled with hope. Hope is trusting that something will be fulfilled, but fulfilled according to the promises and not just according to our wishes. Hope is open-ended.

I have found is very important in my own life to let go of my wishes and start hoping. It was only when I was willing to let go of wishes that something really new, something beyond my own expectations could happen to me.

To wait open-endedly is an enormously radical attitude toward life. So is to trust that something will happen to us that is far beyond our own imaginings. So, too, is giving up control over our future and letting God define our life, trusting that God molds us according to God's love and not according to our fear." -Henri J. M. Nouwen

We must wait on the Lord. We must surrender the desires of our hearts to Him. We must wait open-endedly, trusting that His plan, His will are far greater than anything our minds can create. It is good to wait on the Lord, for when we wait with hope in His plan for our life we are most able to follow the narrow path, and to most fully have the desires of our hearts satisfied.

By Your Steadfast Love

Oops - it's been a while since I last posted. Over 2 weeks! In all the hype of exams and school and life this gets set aside. However, the Lord has not ceased in working and I want to share with you a little of what He has been doing. Hmm the Lord is just so good.

I went on a retreat a little of 2 weeks ago called steps to freedom. We trial ran a ministry called unveiled this semester where we dove into sin in our life that really dealt with our sexuality - whether it was our perspective of sexuality, struggle with sexual sin, or past hurts from relationships with guys and gals. So Steps to Freedom was a retreat where we examined 7 different areas of our life and surrendered different sins and hurts to the Lord and asked him to free us.

This past weekend I went on a retreat where we talked about the 2 Kingdoms - the Kingdom of God and the kingdom not of God but rather of this world, of satan . We talked about how the world (the environment around us, fashion, media, etc), the flesh (ourselves, our own desires), and the devil (his lies, his tactics) affect us and pull us away from the world. We then had an opportunity to pray with small groups. We all have a small group that we meet with every other week throughout the semester. And so we had an opportunity to surrender to the Lord an area that we saw needed particular work and healing, and so we each prayed our own prayer asking the Lord to come into that area, but had a handful of men or woman (gender specific small groups) praying with us and for as we prayed our own prayer.

Last week was a rough week. I had recently taken 2 exams and didn't do well on either of them. On one of them I received the lowest grade ever in my life. That was hard to stomach, hard to accept. I sobbed for an hour after I saw my grade. I wanted to quit, to give up on nursing school. That happened on Wednesday. It took me a solid 2 hours to pull myself together after seeing my score, and a lot of encouragement from 2 of my dear friends and my dad. I proceeded to use every numbing technique in the book so I wouldn't have to think about it, and tried to just bury this feeling of failure. So for 2 days I watched endless hours of Gilmore Girls on netflix, ate comfort food, hid in my room, scrolled pinterest, fell into the temptation of a heavy sin I struggle with and have to effortly fight to combat, and used painting and wine drinking to try and help me relax and keep my mind off of this feeling of being a failure.

Come Thursday night I was walking to women's night and my brain started spinning with endless thoughts of you're a failure, you suck, you're a terrible sinner, you're a horrible person, you're never going to be good enough, you shouldn't be a bible study leader - you haven't invested in these women an shown them you care, you shouldn't mentor high school students you're too great of a sinner.. Once I snapped out of this  cycle of thoughts I approached the Lord in honesty, in vulnerability and I told him 'Lord I don't even want to ask your forgiveness because I feel like I don't deserve it.'

Friday I had made plans to go to confession, so I went. While I was waiting for my turn I was reflecting on my examination of conscience and I recalled Thursday night. I recalled specifically that thought - 'Lord I don't even want to ask your forgiveness because I feel like I don't deserve it.' And I had this feeling of I don't want to confess that... and that I was like pause - wait... the mere fact that I don't want to confess this means I definitely need to.

So it was my turn, I go into the confessional, make my confession (via my list) and I paused for a moment and confessed that thought - Lord I don't even want to ask your forgiveness because I feel like I don't deserve it.' As soon as I said that the priest says Ah that's the problem (or something to that effect) and he goes on about how I've fallen into a pit of darkness and satan's kind of got me on a hamster wheel just running and running and running... which makes so much sense in hindsight because my biggest complaint was that I was just so tired, and not just physically but spiritually, mentally, and emotionally. But then the priest progresses to say you don't need to do anything to be made worthy. Simply because God created you, you have worth. It was something I'd heard 100 times over, but I needed to hear it from a priest. At the end he encouraged me to never ever give up, to always keep fighting. And left me with a penance to go before our Lord (who was exposed in the monstrance) and let the Lord embrace me.

I walked out of the confessional trembling, shaking, exhilarated, relieved. I knelt down in a pew and collapsed before our Lord. I saw myself collapsing onto his lap in agony, in repentance, in sorrow, and he simply tells me my child, my child I love you. And the Lord consoled me. He loved me, and I just let him love me. I didn't fight or resist it, but just allowed him to embrace me for the first time in a very, very long time.

A few hours later I left for retreat. Saturday night when we were praying with our small groups I surrendered restlessness and loneliness, 2 of my greatest struggles. I asked for grace to combat the lie that I'm not good enough and never will be good enough, and to combat the lie that God's love isn't enough for me.

After small groups had finished praying we were singing praise to the Lord and we were singing a song that had a line about the Lord being everything. And I realized in that moment how much the Lord loved.. loves me, how he truly satisfies my every need, my every longing. I realized our God is a living God, and lives and reigns in me. I can have peace in knowing that He is my King and He has a plan. I have no need to be restless, for I can rest in Him. I have no need to be lonely, for He is with me always. He has provided for my every need thus far, why would He not provide for every need from here on out?

What I have most taken away from this, and what I hope you may take away from this is that the Lord is faithful, he is steadfast in his love for each of his children. Each of us worth simply by the fact He created us.

The Lord's faithfulness is a protecting shield. Psalm 91:4 

Lessons in Love

I want to write this - I want to write so bad, but it's one of those times when I sit here just staring at the blank screen trying to put to words the workings in my heart.

Each day, each week I am learning more about what it means to do what I want to do - nursing, specifically pediatrics. I loved OB nursing, but I feel at home in peds nursing. I am more comfortable and confident than ever before in a nursing field. This week I had a unique patient whose story I can't share do to HIPAA, but we were reading his history and he has spent most of his life in the hospital - as many of these kids on my unit do {hematology (blood) and oncology (cancer)}. So there was a lot to his case, and there were situations where I kept asking myself what would I have done if I were the nurse in that situation... and I didn't come up with an answer. I did; however, catch myself with very judgmental thoughts only for us to have a guest speaker tell us her own story. It opened my eyes to a world unknown to me. A world where girls are raped as young as 5 years old and given recreational drugs at 7. Who lived on the streets, who worked as prostitute - a girl born into the drug culture. And this woman sat before us as an open book. She laid out her life's story before us. She's been clean/sober for 10 years now. And as she told us her story she said the one thing she wanted us to take away with us is unconditional love. She said the best thing we can do for our patients is to love them unconditionally. We don't know their story. I sat and listened with tears in my eyes. This woman before me who was so broken - who was vulnerable with us - and her vulnerability changed my life. I felt guilty, for judging my patients family this week. I felt gratitude for the multitude of blessings I have received. And my heart broken for the multitude of people in this world who have stories similar to hers.

Since this summer I have learned more and more what it means to love unconditionally. As a
camp counselor for middle school girls I had to learn how to love them despite what I may feeling. I didn't feel like loving them - I physically didn't feel good, how was I supposed to love these girls? And our love languages, well... they didn't quite match up. It was a battle. I had to choose to love them. For once I actually experienced love being a choice. The Lord placed these children of his in my care, and I had to choose to care for them, choose to love them.

I have had to learn how to love myself unconditionally. I can't just love myself if I meet certain requirements (weight, appearance, level of success, amount of money, work, service, etc). I have had to learn to surrender to the Lord in a new way, and found new freedom in that. I have learned that I need to choose to accept the mercy the Lord offers me each moment.

Lastly, I have learned the importance of sharing the love of Christ with my patients - not by preaching with words, but with the way I care for them, the way I talk to them, the attention I give them. My little guy this week lifted my heart and brought me joy - we played peek-a-boo and other ridiculous games that you only do with children. I loved on him and he soaked up every minute of it.
He needed a little TLC, but the thing is - every patient in the hospital needs a little TLC.. you're not on this earth for you... you're not here for you. You are here for something so much more, in a world that is so much larger than yourself - but that is something most overlooked in this world. So I want to leave you with this message a friend sent me this week that reminded me of the power of the work I will one do, of the work the Lord is preparing me to do for all my life. It is long, but I really encourage you to read it all the way through.


Yesterday I overheard a nursing student snark, "yeah, this is why I'm in nursing school - so I can pass trays." And if I hadn't been up to my eyeballs in other things to do for my patients, I would have stopped and said: You've already missed the point entirely. I'm not sure why you DO think you're here. If you hope to be a good nurse (or coworker, or person with a heart), you're going to spend the majority of your working life doing things you SO mistakenly think are beneath you. You are going to pass trays with a smile - excitement even, when your patient finally gets to try clear liquids. You will even open the milk and butter the toast and cut the meat. You will feed full-grown adults from those trays, bite by tedious, hard-to-swallow bite. You will, at times, get your own vital signs or glucoscans, empty Foley bags and bedside commodes without thinking twice. You will reposition the same person, move the same three pillows, 27 times in one shift because they can't get comfortable. You will not only help bathe patients, but wash and dry between the toes they can't reach. Lotion and apply deodorant. Scratch backs. Nystatin powder skin folds. Comb hair. Carefully brush teeth and dentures. Shave an old man's wrinkled face. Because these things make them feel more human again. You will NOT delegate every "code brown," and you will handle them with a mix of grace and humor so as not to humiliate someone who already feels quite small. You will change ostomy appliances and redress infected and necrotic wounds and smell smells that stay with you, and you will work hard not to show how disgusted you may feel because you will remember that this person can't walk away from what you have only to face for a few moments. You will fetch ice and tissues and an extra blanket and hunt down an applesauce when you know you don't have time to. You will listen sincerely to your patient vent when you know you don't have time to. You will hug a family member, hear them out, encourage them, bring them coffee the way they like it, answer what you may feel are "stupid" questions - twice even - when you don't have time to. You won't always eat when you're hungry or pee when you need to because there's usually something more important to do. You'll be aggravated by Q2 narcotic pushes, but keenly aware that the person who requires them is far more put upon. You will navigate unbelievably messy family dramas, and you will be griped at for things you have no control over, and be talked down to, and you will remain calm and respectful (even though you'll surely say what you really felt to your coworkers later), because you will try your best to stay mindful of the fact that while this is your everyday, it's this patient or family's high-stress situation, a potential tragedy in the making. Many days you won't feel like doing any of these things, but you'll shelve your own feelings and do them the best you can anyway. HIPAA will prevent you from telling friends, family, and Facebook what your work is really like. They'll guess based off what ridiculousness Gray's Anatomy and the like make of it, and you'll just have to haha at the poop and puke jokes. But your coworkers will get it, the way this work of nursing fills and breaks, fills and breaks your heart. Fellow nurses, doctors, NPs and PAs, PCAs, unit clerks, phlebotomists, respiratory therapists, physical and occupational therapists, speech therapists, transport, radiology, telemetry, pharmacy techs, lab, even dietary and housekeeping -- it's a team sport. And you're not set above the rest as captain. You will see you need each other, not just to complete the obvious tasks but to laugh and cry and laugh again about these things only someone else who's really been there can understand. You will see clearly that critical thinking about and careful delivery of medications are only part of the very necessary care you must provide. Blood gushing adrenaline-pumping code blue ribs breaking beneath your CPR hands moments are also part, but they're not what it's all about. The "little" stuff is rarely small. It's heavy and you can't carry it by yourself. So yes, little nursling, you are here to pass tray

Love Just One

If you can't feed 100 people, feed just one. 

-Mother Teresa

I had a conversation with a friend the other day about the state of our world. Here's a script of our conversation. 

"He is amazing" my friend (talking about the boy I babysit) 

"I know! Ah kid's resilience and strength blow my mind" me

"They think they can do anything, so they do!"

Exactly! They've never been told or experienced anything different, so why would they act any different?

I wish people in this world would see that and quit discouraging kids at such a young age. 

Ah I know! But in a world where all that matters is self-gain this is unfortunately going to be an issue. 

It sucks our world has to be this way. 

In this conversation I was convicted of this: It does suck that our world has to be that way - that kids get discouraged, that it's a world all about self-gain, but there is hope! We are the ones who can change it by the way we carry ourselves, by the way we treat people, by the way we raise our kids, etc. 

I was on a retreat this weekend, and surrendered to the Lord many areas of my life and heart that I had just buried. Past hurts, past wounds that I started to just suppress. The desires of my heart, the actions, and seeing so many ways I am imperfect, but surrendering all of them to the Lord and accepting the mercy Christ offers us. Leaving this retreat we had a conversation about where to go from here. We were impacted, we found so much freedom in this 'spring cleaning' of our hearts - how can we carry this into our lives? How can we seek to more fully share the freedom the Lord desires to give us with the people around us?

Love them. Love them unconditionally. Love them selflessly. Love them with all that you have and all that you are. Show a genuine interest in them. I so often get so overwhelmed by the hurt of people in this world. If I had to pick one thing I am most passionate about it would be love - or the lack of it in this world. The number of people who go around believing they're a hopeless case, they're worthless, they lack dignity, they lack value - the number of people in this world who experience these feelings break my heart - and I wish I had the love in the world to give to each person, to let each person know they are loved. But alas, that is not  possible - so what to do?

Love. Just. One. 

Mother Teresa said if you can't feed 100 people, feed just one. We can make an impact in this world by loving the people around us, by loving just one person, by showing a genuine interest in them. My friend recently told a story about having a conversation with one of her classmates and showing a genuine interest in his life and how shocked he was by her asking these questions, seeking answers. She impacted that person. She let him know he is loved by at least one person in this world. 

I am thoroughly convinced that the smallest gift of love from each of us can positively impact the world. We may not see the difference, we may not see the change, but the impact is real. The impact is there. 

Comparison: Problematic or Avenue of Grace?

I had a simulation lab for school today. With these it's a learning technique - we play role of nurses more or less independently, with a mannequin who is having a complication. Today was for my pediatrics class and I had one earlier in my semester for my ob class. These are great learning opportunities from a nursing perspective, but I took more than increased nursing knowledge away from this experience.

Today as we were going through the lab I was subconsciously comparing the whole situation to my experience with my OB rotation. Recently, I have been reflecting a lot on this struggle I have with comparing myself to people around me. This situation lead to a realization that as human beings I think we have a tendency to compare ourselves to others. I was comparing to different situations and scenarios today, granted they were put on by two different professors, but both professors had an overall similar goal - for it to be a learning experience. But in my opinion, one group did better than the other. Anyway - I compared the two experiences, subconsciously throughout the entire time - even the prep work was compared. I'd say I even went into today with a slightly negative attitude because of my last experience with simulation lab.

I fall a lot into the game of comparison. It's a constant daily battle. I want everyone to like me, to love I think I fall short. Granted, I am imperfect, and undeserving of all the love God offers, but by his grace, by the blood of the cross I am made worthy, I am healed, I am redeemed, I have dignity and find my identity as his daughter. Which is why the whole comparison and seeing my short comings in such a negative light is problematic.
me... I am a people pleaser. I want to make sure everyone feels included and knows they're loved. I am hyper aware of my surroundings. I always know what's going on. And sometimes being hyper-aware is helpful, and other times not so much. When it comes to comparing myself to others it's often the latter- not so helpful. It's easy for me to compare myself to the appearance of other women and think 'I wish I was that skinny' or 'I wish my hair looked like hers' or 'I love her outfit, man I look like crap today...' etc. The list could go on forever. It's all negative. I look at others and compare myself and see only where

I think I will always compare myself to others and varying situations to each other because that's a way we learn. What matters is what we do with the comparison, our reaction to the differences. In my nursing situation it was good because it was two different situations that provided me with the opportunity to offer my professor better feedback. I didn't just dwell in the suckiness of it - I found a resolution and an action to take!

Comparison becomes a problem when we dwell in the negativity. When we listen to the accusatory lies of satan - saying we're not good enough, we're not loved enough, we need those shoes or that coat or a significant other to be complete. It becomes problematic when we believe the lie that Jesus is not
enough. When comparison causes these things then the quote "comparison is the thief of joy" stands true because we spend more time dwelling in the negative and lies than in the truth and love and light of Christ.

As I've been growing and exploring these areas I've learned three key points:

1. It's a learning experience
   
2. Be patient with yourself
3. Change takes time.

Fake It 'Til You Make It ??

I started my 3rd clinical rotation today for pediatrics at Nationwide Children's Hospital. I'm super excited to see how I like this facet of the nursing field! I was doing some reflecting on my past clinical experiences so far, and made interesting discovery.

Often times, I feel like an incompetent idiot, so I hold back - I don't ask questions, and I don't take initiative. I am typically afraid of screwing up and harming someone. Part of that has to do with the reality that being a nurse has a lot of pressure to it - people's lives are in your hands. That's kind of a big deal. Today, as we went over orientation stuff, we were told for charting we will sign our notes, etc as such: A.Super S.N. Capital University. That causes us to take ownership of who we are and what we're doing. Reflecting on my past experiences instructors have tended to say something to the effect of well with where you are in the program we don't expect x of you. They kind of minimized our skill level, in a sense. Now granted, our skill set is rather slim, but there's a lot to be learned, but if we're not receiving confidence in our abilities from our instructors it's going to be that much harder to be confident in ourselves.

I realized at the end of my OB rotation that I didn't take initiative at all. I didn't take ownership of my education. I didn't seek to get as much out of this opportunity as I could have. Part of that is my fault, part of that is various instructors. Today my instructors made me feel like I have competency to do things.. because it's not just about technical skills, there are people skills involved, and pediatrics requires lots of people skills. And it's hard to walk into a patient's room, knowing your incompetence and trying to be confident in who you are and what you're doing. So they say fake it til you make it.

But this doesn't apply to just school - this applies to our lives, and to living out our faith, to being a joyful, loving daughter of God, to being Christ to each person I encounter. It's easy to be a Christian to our friends who are Christian, and to not make our faith as big of a deal with our school friends or work friends (not church friends), though really Christ should be integrated into every aspect of our lives.

I picked 'fake it 'til you make it' as the title for this blog because so often we hear this phrase. I know I've heard it given in various talks regarding living out our faith... but I realized that faking it til I make it actually just presents an opportunity for me to put on a mask. I lead a bible study with a dear friend, and last week when we met it was a little rough for me. I was in midterms. I was stressed. I was tired. I didn't really want to go, to love. But I took a photo and posted a cutesie picture on instragram saying how bible study makes my week - which is absolutely 100% true, it's my favorite part of every Monday, even on a day when it was hard. But the thing is - I put on a mask. I hid how I was feeling, and posted on social media to seek validation based on how many likes I got. I'm really good at doing that - seeking validation through media.. And granted, faking it til you make it can be of benefit, but it shouldn't be the only thing we're doing.

In order to make it, we need to be confident in who we are and whose we are. We need people who build us up, encourage us, call us out, and lead us on. So don't fake it to every person you meet. Be real with people (at least some) because if people know you are struggling they can build you up, they can encourage, and they can help you build confidence.

In order to be a good nurse or to be a good Christian you need to be confident in who you are and what you're doing. You need to be courageous in order to stand up for your faith, to advocate for your patients. So don't just fake it til you make it, please... I beg of you. Find a trusted friend, a mentor, someone who will help you, who will build you up, who will you become the person you were created to be.

Bringing Light to the Darkness

I recently made a decision to bring to the light an area of darkness in my life. Here in Columbus we started a new women's ministry that deals with sin in the area of sexuality for women - and to bring about healing in this area where so many women have been wounded because of the ways of this world. And I didn't want to do this. I avoided it and literally at the last minute ended up doing it. The group was planning to meet for the first time 8 am Sunday morning and I emailed Saturday asking if there was a way for me to do this this semester. Clearly, the Lord wanted me to do this.

In September we had One Gospel. It's an event put on by St. Paul's Outreach, a ministry I have been involved in for some time now. And we had guest speaker Deacon Ralph Poyo. He's awesome. And he closed talk with a statement saying it doesn't hurt to share his story. He was sexually assaulted as a young child and travels the country sharing his story and the love of God and His healing power in his life. It's truly a gift. Anyway, he said it doesn't hurt when he shares his story anymore and my mind was blown by that. I wanted that. I wanted healing to the point that my heart didn't sting a little when I shared my own story because with my own conversion story I was wounded along the way from a relationship and 5 years later I was still hurting from it sometimes. But the thing was - I was not dealing with this hurt, instead, I was suppressing and burying it.

Finally on that Saturday night something snapped in me that motivated me to take action. I knew this ministry was being offered and I needed it, but I was not wanting to accept this truth.

Praise God for his faithfulness and steadfast love!

Since I started this new chapter in my life, since I brought light to this area of my life I was suppressing and burying I have experienced a new found freedom. Today, I was reflecting on questions for this weeks chapter and I realized I am far more broken than I thought I was. But I also realized Christ's victory. I want to share a few snippets of what has been important to me so far in this journey.

These are just different portions of the readings:

The making of comparison is dangerous for a Christian. We need silence to be able to touch souls. But now in Christ Jesus you who once were far off have become near by the blood of Christ, for He is our peace. Christ reconciled God and made to be one community in peace through the cross. Understanding your identity in Christ is absolutely essential for your success at living a victorious Christian life. No person can consistently behave in a way that's inconsistent with the way he perceives himself. What matters more is not what others say or think of you but what God says and thinks of you. We have to learn how to renew our minds. I have to choose to believe the promise of God and to let these truth permeate my heart. We have trouble learning how to go to the true Comforter as our only source of comfort. I need to abide in who I am in Christ; abide in Him who abides in me. God fully restores me and welcomes me back with open arms. Jesus is always, always, always enough for me. Jesus Christ is victorious. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus. When we know we are and whose we are, we receive the peace of Christ and in that peace, from knowing our identity, our hearts and minds are guarded, are protected because we are immersed in Christ's love and mercy. Because of who my Father is I have authority and power in my life to choose to believe the truth that I am God's daughter, his beloved, and his love is enough for me. 

This is just a tidbit of the truth God is beginning to teach me. I am ever thankful for his faithfulness, for his steadfast love, and for his mercy. As I was chatting with a friend about this she suggested memorizing a few verses that you can say in moments when it is hard so that you continue to bring light to the area when you do struggle. So I want to close with those 3 verses.

1. I have been established, anointed, and sealed by God. 2 Cor 1:21-22
2. I am confident that the good work God has begun in me will be perfected Phil 1:6
3. I may approach God with freedom and confidence Eph 3:12