I am Enough

I am reading this book called Daring Greatly by Brene Brown. This book is about being vulnerable and living life authentically. The chapters that inspired this post really dig into the shame the we feel, what shame is, how it effects, and solutions to overcoming shame or as she calls it developing 'shame resilience'. I'm going to focus on women because that's what I know more of -since I am a woman.. but she does also address shame in men as well.

Brown offers 12 shame categories, and says there are 2 biggies for women. The first one for women - the
top area of shame for us - is how we look. It's constantly plaguing our life, if we think we look pretty then we tend to have a good day, but if it's a day where we feel we look fat or ugly, not so good for anyone around us.. because we'll put up our masks, we'll keep our guard up. The close second struggle for women is motherhood - and Brown states how we don't have to be a mother to experience motherhood shame. "Mother shame is ubiquitous - it's a birthright for girls and women"  In addition to these 2 areas there's an overarching expectation to be effortlessly perfect. Perfect body, perfect hair, perfect skin, perfect grades, perfect at our job, working and being a mother. If your married, you should have a kid, if you have a kid you're asked why you haven't had a 2nd child if they're over 2 years. If you have more than probably 3 children then other parents start asking why you have so many kids - because it doesn't fit the 'standard American family' cliche.

And even those 20 somethings of us who are in college experience the motherhood shame, and that's what I want to share a little bit with you all about. I haven't been in a relationship in approximately 4 years, and so often I question my worth and value because of this. I so often want to be in a relationship. I desire an intimate connection with someone - which normal human desires, but it can be frustrating because as a woman it is also my duty to wait to be pursued since it is man's duty to be the leader of a relationship. Anyway - when I was reading this book yesterday I was thinking about this desire that I have for a relationship, and there's a multitude of facets that go into this, but I think part of it is that I feel like I'm supposed to be in a relationship because that's what the culture tells us. We're supposed to jump from relationship to relationship until we find the 'one' - whatever that may mean. But that's not guarding our hearts, that is not saving ourselves emotionally and physically for the man who will be our husband; it's not living the life of purity and chastity to which we as Christians are called.

Last night I was at co-ed event and once again found myself distracted by this desire for a relationship and looking around at the various men (this is an area often struggle with, and have to continually turn back to God and seek his mercy) and thought to myself oh I hope he doesn't like me.. because I jump to conclusions often, and read too much into just about everything. And then I started thinking about a potential for a relationship in general and was filled with fear. But why was I filled with fear? I experienced two polar opposite feelings in a span of 10 minutes - a deep desire for a relationship and a great fear of a relationship. The fear comes from a fear of being vulnerable with another person, the fear of being hurt again, if a relationship were to not work out - ending in marriage. But then I also realized that we're going to experience hurt again in our lives because in order to love we have to be willing to be vulnerable, and to be vulnerable and authentic means there is a risk of being hurt.

As I was dwelling and praying through all of this I thought of a few things - one was what Fr. Gregory said in mass earlier that day "Joy follows the peace that only comes from communion with Christ." And that night a friend offered a reflection on joy - and here's what my take away was - Christ makes himself known to us in the Eucharist. In the Eucharist Christ makes himself known to us. Then, we know his peace & from this peace, from this place we experience joy found only in Christ..

And these reflections aligned perfectly from the next chapter in the book - The Vulnerability Armory - and this addresses the way we protect ourselves when we begin to experience shame (because none of us is immune to shame). We put on the armor because it allows us to hide that we don't believe we're enough. I know I so often find myself believing I'm not _____ enough - fill in the blank with whatever you wish - pretty, funny, holy, smart, sexy, beautiful, serious, strong, powerful, loving, gentle, peaceful, joyful, happy, etc... This is how we experience shame at it's core. We don't believe we're enough. That's why I question why I haven't dated anyone in 4 years.

I was reflecting on how motherhood shame was affecting my life: I don't feel good enough because I haven't been in a relationship; therefore, I question my womanhood because part of being a woman is being a mother, and the next step for me to be a mother is to be in a dating relationship to determine if this particular person would be the man I would want to father my children - but I'm in a period of waiting and wanting, and trying to find contentment in this place  And in adoration last I had this grand revelation as I started telling Jesus I was not enough, he spoke to my heart a truth I needed to hear. Jesus is enough; therefore, I am enough because the Father loved me into existence and I am held into existence by his love. Jesus is enough, but not just that. Because Jesus is enough I am enough. I am perfect as I am and because of this I can have joy and peace. I am ____ enough as I am because I was made perfectly in the eyes of the Father. 

An Ocean of Mercy

I'm between classes right now and have a dentist appointment at back in my hometown this week so I decided to spend a couple of days relaxing at home - playing with dogs, eating all the food I don't buy for myself, relaxing in the hot tub, boycotting email, and hiking through the woods. The last few days it has been raining more or less constantly - so when I went walking through my woods today everything was covered in water. My parents have 10 acres and a pond with some of it as woods as well. Our pond was actually over flowing with water. I hiked down into the ravine and found a tree to sit on where I prayed the chaplet of Divine Mercy because it was about 3 in the afternoon - which is said to be the hour of mercy. So I spent time reflecting and praying about God's mercy coming down in this world. I was watching a little waterfall flow into a puddle and the water was so abundant that when it fell into the pool of water it formed bubbles. I saw this as Christ's mercy overflowing in this world. Then I continued walking back to my house and just saw water pooling everywhere. And I realized how God's mercy is all around us - overflowing. He is just desiring to flood us with his mercy and love - and we simply need to accept it. 

I demand from you deeds of mercy which are to arise out of
love for me. You are to show mercy to your neighbors always
and everywhere. You must not shrink from this or try to
excuse yourself from it (Diary, 742).
Like the gospel command, "Be merciful, just as your Father
is merciful," this demand that we show mercy to our
neighbors "always and everywhere" seems impossible to
fulfill. But the Lord assures us that it is possible. "When a
soul approaches Me with trust," He explains, "I fill it with such
an abundance of graces that it cannot contain them within
itself, but radiates them to other souls" (Diary, 1074).
How do we "radiate" God's mercy to others? By our actions,
our words, and our prayers. "In these three degrees," he tells
Sister Faustina, "is contained the fullness of mercy" (Diary
742). We have all been called to this threefold practice of
mercy, but we are not all called in the same way. We need to
ask the Lord, who understands our individual personalities
and situation, to help us recognize the various ways we can
each show His mercy in our daily lives.
Can read more here. 

"Oh, how great is the goodness of God, greater than we can understand. There are moments and there are mysteries of the divine mercy over which the heavens are astounded. Let our judgment of souls cease, for God’s mercy upon them is extraordinary" - St. Faustina


So in my thoughts here - the rain applies in this - it rains just about everywhere in the world, and water is cleansing. Water washed the earth of its impurities and iniquities. God's mercy washes us of our sins, our impurities, our iniquities, our failures. God's mercy gives us a chance to start fresh to start anew. If you do not know Christ's love - then seek him, seek his love - he made you, though you may not know him, he still knows you, he knit you in his mother's womb and he desires to know you. For those of you who do know Christ's love and mercy - allow this love to overflow from you, that each person you encounter may encounter Christ through you! 

The Father's Love

This lent our Lord taught me so many things that I'm sure I have not yet realized, but there is one part that I want to share with you all - the Father's Love. The love of the Father is something that is so hard to grasp in this world, with so much brokenness, especially in family life - and even more so with lack of fatherly figures specifically.

So as I may have mentioned, I help with a high school youth group this year and the Lord has taught me a lot about the Father's love through this. We recently talked to at a girl's night about stress in anxiety and after that night I realized how many of these girls were struggling with depression and anxiety and my heart broke for them. To see the people I love suffer has always been something that weighs heavy in my heart and caused my heart to ache for them. I would often have this desire to take away their suffering, though I can't, which is where Jesus comes in. He died on the cross, and resurrected from the dead for the salvation of our souls.

I was expressing this ache in my heart to one of my friends and she looks at me and says "Amber, what your saying makes me think of the Father. I imagine that in heaven the Father turns to Jesus as they ache for us and for our salvation." And this greatly impacted. I was sitting struggling through some of my own challenges and thinking about this when it dawned on as I am aching for these girls, how much more is the Lord aching for me.

My dad travels for work a lot, and he is presently in Iowa, and with this specific job I only get to see my dad once every 3ish months which is really hard, especially when I was used to seeing him about twice a month. And there was another time, when I was missing my dad, even moments when I would begin to cry because I longed for my daddy, for his hugs, for his warmth, for our tradition of eating popcorn while watching movies at night.. and I realized, if I, an imperfect human long so much for my imperfect, human father, how much more must the Father long for me, and how much more should I be longing for the Father?

So basically, the Father's love exceeds beyond what are minds can fathom. It is so vast, so great, so deep, that he gave up his only son out of love for us. If you don't have a good concept of the Father I just want to encourage each of you pray into this, to start reflecting on your relationship with you earthly father and your relationship with your Heavenly Father. If you need healing in some area seek that, our God is a God of mercy, a God of love and he desires to know us, and to lavish his love on us.

Selfies, Self-worth, & Mercy

As I sit down to type this, I'm not sure what words will do to express my feelings towards this topic, but after being convicted for several days I have decided I need to write and share this..

In high school, and beyond, I have always thought I was immune to the comparison bug. I felt I was skinny, pretty, nice, etc. People often talked about facebook being a platform for comparison, but I didn't see it. I have always been a fan of social media because it allows me to semi-keep in touch with old friends, but I've realized more and more how it is a platform for comparison. I notice this especially as I have friends getting engaged, married, and having babies - my ultimate goal in life aside from work as a nurse - and I desire that so much. I desire to have a family beyond what words could express. And then I would start to question, to wonder, to doubt. Am I pretty? Am I good enough? Will anybody ever love me? How could anyone love me? This is wrong with me, that I wrong with me, I'm such a failure.. Which most of us struggle to some extent at some point in our lives with something along these lines, and what's most funny here is I thought I was immune to this comparison bug, but I'm not..

My friend recently showed me a youtube video for the self song (found here). And she told me how in high school she, in her head, made of girls who took selfies.. As we had this conversation I thought of myself. Throughout all of high school I always took selfies - I always wanted to try and get a good profile picture, or at least that's what I told myself  - but why did I want a good profile picture? As we sat there I realized I had fallen prey to the comparison platform of social media..

Often times I would take a selfie if I felt pretty, or felt I looked pretty - then if it turned out how I desired I would post it social media - be it facebook or instagram - and then I would wait (and obsessively check for likes). I was desperate to know how many other people thought I looked pretty or beautiful that day.. I was looking for a boost..

I started working in youth ministry this year, and as we would plan women's nights I would get so excited about the topic, but then afterwards (typically the week following the talk) I would realize how I was struggling with given topic. Also, in nursing school we have talked about many of these topics. We talked about body image at youth group, the following week we had a lecture on self-concept in lecture for my nursing class. And then I would realize how actually I was not as comfortable in my skin as I thought I was.. I realized I was needing attention from others in order to feel loved, to feel satisfied..

In this culture, there seems to always be a need to validate our worth. In high school, it was with a relationship. I wanted a boyfriend so bad because then I would know I was loved, I was worthy, I was wanted, I was needed. In social media, we post pictures of ourselves and wait for the likes we can get on photos of us, and for comments about how beautiful we are - and we do this because we feel the need to validate that we are beautiful, and we are loved, and worthy of love.. These are just two examples of many ways that we seek to validate we are worthy of love, maybe for you it's not social media or relationships, maybe it's through sports, or through ministry, or through your work, or maybe you numb yourself to your struggles by getting plastered and having sex on the weekends - regardless of how you seek to validate your worth, your beauty - there is news for you, and there is hope.

As I may have mentioned - I've been struggling with my beauty, with my worth, with my value. I've been questioning and doubting whether I am loved, whether I am wanted or needed.. This lent I gave up wearing yoga pants/leggings to school. I never thought I would be someone who would do that, but it turned out I was. I have been told by my brothers and Christ how hard it is for them to practice self-control when we wear those pieces of clothing, yet I wore them anyway - I chose my own comfort over helping guide my brothers and sisters to life of virtue (and yes it applies to sisters as well in regards to comparison). But everybody at school wears them, so I wanted to wear them.. anyway, I gave them up for lent. And by getting dressed each day, I realized my worth and my dignity were far greater than I was giving myself credit. By dressing in clothes where you can see each muscle contract I was putting myself out there for the world to look at. But my word how good our Lord is! (I knew this was gonna be a long post thanks for stickin' through with me)

I was sitting in adoration this weekend praying through this and processing it - processing what the Lord was speaking to me about selfies, about how I was validating my self-worth in this way. All the while, he is speaking to my heart. He pours his love me... You see, dear friends, we don't need to validate our self-worth, our value, our love

through means of this world. While I was praying I was thinking about how my heart breaks for some of the girls I minister to, my heart breaks when I see them struggle, and I want to fix everything and take away their suffering - and a friend pointed out to me how this mimics the Father's love for us. As I was sitting questioning whether or not I was worthy of love, the Father was and is still watching down on me with his heart breaking that I don't see how wonderfully he made me. His heart breaks for love of us. He desires our happiness, our greatest good. The Lord does not want us to validate ourselves through means of this world but through him, through his love, through his mercy.

You formed my inmost being;

you knit me in my mother’s womb.

I praise you, because I am wonderfully made;

wonderful are your works!

My very self you know.

You are beautiful in every way, my beloved,

there is no flaw in you!

Like a lily among thorns,

so is my beloved among women

I formed you.
These words come from scripture - Ps. 139:13-14, Song of Songs 4:7, Song of Songs 2:2, Is. 42:6. These are all words testifying the Father's great love for us. These are all times he is telling us how great his love is for us. These are times he is telling us we worthy of love.. This week is Holy week - Thursday we will reflect on the service of Jesus - on the Last Supper, Friday we will reflect on the suffering Christ willingly took on for our salvation, and Sunday we shall rejoice and be glad for Christ has risen again, he has been victorious, he conquered sin and death. 

Christ Jesus, though he was in the form of God,
did not regard equality with God
something to be grasped.
Rather, he emptied himself,
taking the form of a slave,
coming in human likeness;
and found human in appearance,
he humbled himself,
becoming obedient to the point of death,
even death on a cross. (Phil. 2:6-8). 

Out of love for us, the Father sent Jesus, the Son, to die for us that we may have redemption, that our sins may be forgiven, that we may share in the love and the of God. For God is love, and he made us out of love.

O God, we thank you and we praise you for all the ways you pour out your mercy in our lives. We are so grateful that you sent your son for the redemption of our souls, to overcome the sin and death instilled in this world by Adam and Eve. Each time we fail, have mercy on us. Give us the grace to get up again, and to seek your face Lord. 

*all pictures were found via pinterest

I am with Jesus

I have The Magnificat Lenten Companion, and I read the reflection each day after reading through the readings, and today's reflection really struck me, and I felt compared to share it.

The priest was asked to share his thoughts on attending to those who are sick and dying (anointing of the sick, last rights, etc). His original response was "Jesus is with me", but in a later thought he shares this "I first responded that the only value my presence has is that Jesus is with me. And then, in a moment of graced awareness, I understood that it is much more accurate to say "I am with Jesus" Jesus has decided to be sacramentally present at the bedside of someone he deeply loves, and he chooses to take me with him. He precedes me. I follow him. This is appropriate because he loves these precious souls more than I do. My hope is that as I follow where he leads, I may slowly begin to love with his love. One of the many graces of lent is to be reminded that it is not he who follows us, but we who are following him. He doesn't rubber stamp the good life we have chosen for ourselves, but leads us through the good life he has chosen for us. He always takes precedence."

What struck me most out of this is the 'I am with Jesus'. This weekend I was at a conference and in one of the talks for the weekend, they discussed the barriers between man and God. Our two greatest barriers are people (often concerned with what others will think of us) and things. These two categories interfere so much so in our lives, that Jesus is then set on the back burner.

I look at my day today - I woke up at 8 am. Checked my phone- checked email and facebook, drank water, ate breakfast, drank coffee, chatted with my roommate, packed lunch, went to school (not once thinking about God). I went to school, went coffee, caught up with a dear friend - and yet, did not take time to think about God, to ask for his grace in this day... I did think about when I was going to go to adoration (to pray), but it was indeed at the end of the day. Going to adoration, seeking Jesus was the last thing I did today, when really it should have been the first thing I did.. So today things - life, commitments, people - interfered. They came first..
Upon this realization, I asked God's mercy, and will strive to do better tomorrow..

I was just convicted to share this thought - I just want to leave you with the last part of the reflection again - Jesus leads us through the good life he has chosen for us. He always takes precedence. 

Intentional Prayer

I've always been bad at intentional prayer... or at least that's how it feels. I would often read scripture and figure out how it applies to my life or I would sorta pray for someone who asked me to pray for them, but I didn't know how or what that meant.. so I just felt uncomfortable.. Then I lived in household with St. Paul's Outreach (read more about it here) and we have morning prayer 4 mornings a week where we would pray intentions, so I became more familiar with it, but it still was uncomfortable.

This year, going into lent I had an increasing desire for the Eucharist, which is why I made my "add" to go to mass or adoration daily, but there has been so much more coming out of that. First of all, most days I end up going to adoration and I was finding myself convicted to pray for girls in my youth group.

Also, about a month ago I started my half marathon training class. I'll be running the Cap City half marathon here in Columbus this May (WOO!). And so I've been training a lot, and I'll start my run with my headphones in, listening to music, but after a while I want some silence, but when I don't have anything going on in my brain I start to focus on how much my body hurts, so I needed something to keep my mind off what I was actually doing.

Now, this is my second half marathon. For my first one, I ran with one of my friends and about half way through I was really struggling and he suggested we pray a rosary and if I had to stop and walk we had to pause where we were in the rosary to help create motivation to run... I've taken this habit up in my training.. A lot of times you hear about people offering miles or someone - so it's like I'm going to run this mile for George that the Lord may ease his suffering with my suffering.. or something along those lines, but I'm really bad at keeping track of where I'm at mileage wise in my runs, so I just go by the decade..

I'll take my headphones out when I get sick of noise and then I start praying the rosary. I offer the opening prayers for someone and then each decade after that I pray for a specific person or a group of people. And if I stop running I have to pause in my rosary.. It's so great - it let's me pray more intentionally for people, it allows me to actually remember to pray for all these people who I say I'll pray for, it keeps me moving in my run and it keeps my mind off how much it hurts in my run.

I just wanted to share this as an encouragement - we're always new ways and more ways to pray, to draw closer to the Lord! How are you drawing closer to the Lord this lent? Do you struggle with intentional prayer, what action are you taking to ease this?

God bless you!

Be Passionate

I may have written about this before, but I'm realizing more and more how important it is to be passionate about every. single. thing. you do. If you are not passionate, you are not going to work as hard or do it as well.

Last night I was dancing with friends and started with the guy I was dancing with and he asked me what I was studying, which is always dangerous because I go into a long rant about nursing and how it's hard but I love it, and then I go into my job and how I love working on my unit at the hospital and how rewarding it is - so when I finished he looked at me and said that just went over my head, but I love that you're so passionate about it. And later I was talking with one of my good friends while we were dancing and I was telling him about this encounter and refrained from going on my rant about how I love what I do because I know he has heard it at least once. And we got on this topic of passion. What is the point of doing something if you're not passionate about it?

I've recently gotten back into running. I decided to sign up for a half marathon training course this semester and it has really helped me find my passion with running again. This past week I ran the most consistently I have so far since I started running again. I ran my furthest distance in 2 years and I ran my fastest mile time in 2 years. I was amazed at the progress I was making and I was amazed at how great I felt getting there.

I've realized that when you're passionate about what you're doing it is much easier to find the joie de vivre (joy in life). I am passionate about Jesus/youth ministry, nursing, and running. The Lord has taught me a lot in the last year of life. A year ago I was just starting to experiencing relief from my headaches, and had a hard time being joyful, now there is rarely a day when I do not smile at one point or another. I constantly am experiencing joy and so often feel I could explode from joy, I am so overwhelmed and overflowed with joy and it is because I love all the things I am doing.

Nursing school is hard, but I have to go through it in order to get where I want, in order to care for people. Following Jesus in such a secular world is challenging, but rewarding. Finding time for running is hard, and it can be stressful getting out there, but once I do my stress melts away, and I feel a change in my demeanor while running.

Find what your passionate about and run after it.