God Works Through Our Sinfulness

I am utterly amazed at how the Lord has been working in my life lately, and especially in the last week. Last weekend we had a youth group retreat and for a girl's session I talked about anger in regards to feeling like we don't have control of our lives. I used a past experience - last year when I was ill with my headaches and taking a semester off school and was in a hard place, I recently realized I had a lot of anger in that time, and so I used this as a time when I did not have control over anything that was happening and I was really frustrated. I even punched a football one time when my friend was holding it because I was so frustrated with everything happening.

Saturday morning as I was pulling into the parking lot at work my car got backed into. It was a bizarre occurrence, but it happened and it was a situation I had no control over, and in the moment I was angry. I saw the damage on my car and got pretty angry. It's still drive-able, and I wasn't injured, it was more a frustrating nuance than anything else. But my point is - I was just talking to these gals about anger when we feel we have no control, and caught myself doing exactly that.

Then today, we had a girl's night where we talked about body image. Just before we started I looked in the mirror and think to myself "these pants make me look really skinny" - what? I'm getting ready to talk to these ladies about body image and am looking in the mirror comparing my own appearance.

For a while, I was getting caught in my pride. I was telling myself  oh yeah, I'm in a good place, I've overcome all these things, and have grown so much - and I actually thought to myself I wonder where I need to grow - and oh don't you worry, the Lord has shown me my own sinfulness, but it is so good.

I think when we're leaders, and trying to help lead others down the path of holiness, it is easy to get caught up in this mindset that you need to be a certain way, and to set yourself to a higher standard, but really we're all just sinners trying to get to the same place.

And I was  processing this with my dear friend, and I realized how beautiful it is that God works through our sinfulness. I'm talking to these women about areas we need to grow in - sins of anger, envy, comparison, pride, etc. but at the same moment I am struggling right alongside them with these things. And that, that is what is so beautiful about our faith, because in my imperfections God is perfect.

Yesterday, I caught myself in anger because of a situation I had no control over, God showed me he had it all taken care of. Today, I got myself critiquing my appearance and how thin I looked, hopefully, he used me to help draw others to Christ. He takes us, in our imperfections, with our yes to carry our cross, and to suffer with him, and he transforms our souls, and he comes through. Where we are weak, he is strong. Where we fall short, he comes through. He works through our sinfulness to help bring others to know him.

Christ has no body now on earth but yours,
no hands but yours,
no feet but yours,
yours are the eyes through which Christ's compassion
is to look out to the earth,
yours are the feet by which He is to go about doing good
and yours are the hands by which He is to bless us now.
-St. Teresa of Avila

My Cup Overflows

God is so good! And He abundantly blesses my life on a daily basis. About a month ago I was on a retreat called Fan into Flame. This is an amazing retreat, where on Saturday we very intentionally pray with a small group and each of us gets in the middle of a circle, we lay our hands on each other, and call on God to pour his blessing upon, for a specific intention. This was my fourth Fan into Flame, it is an annual retreat put on by St. Paul's Outreach (a national Catholic organization, check them out here). I went into this retreat with an open heart and an open mind. I didn't really know what I wanted, and I definitely didn't know what I needed, but the Lord knew, and He provided.

During a small group discussion we talked about what we wanted to get out of this weekend and I decided that I probably needed to be renewed and refreshed in my faith, and that thought stuck with me throughout the weekend, so Saturday that's how I asked God to work in me - to renew my faith.

In a time of adoration I came to Psalm 23 found here. Verse 5 says "my cup overflows".

Since the weekend of Fan into Flame, this line has been a theme in my life. I have continually see the Lord work and move in my life, where I feel fulfilled, where I feel satisfied, where I experience joy and peace on a regular basis. Also, after this retreat I found myself having a greater desire for the Eucharist, which lead to my lent sacrifice - one of the things I am doing is going to mass or adoration every day, sacrificing my time by giving it to the Lord, and seeking him, to be in his presence in a concrete way. In addition, I'll be giving up wearing sweat pants to class, except Tuesdays because that is my lab day and my nursing lab is much easier if we're wearing sweats.

This past weekend I was on a retreat as a leader for the high school youth group I help out with, and it was an amazing experience. Sleep was sacrificed, of course, but it was so good. One of the leaders had a cold and we were chatting Friday night and she was telling me that she made her sickness her prayer - Lord, let me be so that their souls may not be sick. And this really called me on to offer up my trials this weekend. As you probably have picked up on by now, I have a headache problem, and so Friday night I had a hard time sleeping, and my head hurt, but instead of being frustrated I took that time of suffering and offered it to the Lord for the salvation and healing of the souls of so many people who were on retreat this weekend.

We stayed in a lodge at hocking hills, because of this we had to provide our own food, so I took on that task, and had 2-3 student helpers. Therefore, I spent most of the day Saturday on my feet cooking food, starting with a hot breakfast Saturday morning and ending with spaghetti and meatballs (from scratch) for dinner. But the entire weekend I was so filled with joy. I was overwhelmed by love to spend my time serving these students, and the leaders.

I have never left a weekend where I gave so much, feeling so filled. The Lord truly satisfies. If we give him all we have, he provides beyond expectation. I could not have asked for a better weekend. I could not ask for the Lord to fill me more than He already is, as I opened this post I shall close it - my cup overflows.

God Rewards Our Efforts

I went to morning prayer at one of the SPO women's households this morning. For this we prayer liturgy of the hours (click here to learn more), and we do some intercessions. One of the girl's prayed for the Lord to answer our prayers, to reward our efforts. And then I was driving one of the girls to her class this morning and we were talking about this - the Lord rewarding our efforts.

As you all know by now, I took a semester off school, and during that time I was able to go to daily mass a lot. Though I struggled through that time, I see the Lord rewarded it. Now, I'm going through a tougher semester of school, spending a lot of time studying, had to cut back my hours at work, but the Lord has rewarded me in this because he has given me more opportunities to attend mass, an increased desire for the Eucharist, and he has given me a place to serve where I am fulfilled in all that I do.

This sister I was taking to school had a similar thought - in that God is her strength. She just started an additional class this week for the semester, and it's more taxing and very different from the classes she has recently been in, and she was questioning how she was going to do this - and then on Wednesday, she entrusted it to the Lord. She no longer had the strength to keep going, but since she handed it to the Lord he has supplied the strength she needed to persevere.

I was talking with one of my high schoolers on Sunday after youth group, and she was sharing her struggles, particularly her struggle in her walk with God at the present time and as we were chatting I told her that God was grateful for her efforts. It was a good thing that she recognized her relationship with the Lord was hurting, and it was a good thing she was seeking someone out! Praise the Lord for his goodness! He rewards us in ways that we never imagine.

There's a song that says something to the effect of there being more tears shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones - which I think is funny because God hears all our prayers, and he responds, but in accord with His will and including our free will.

So if you are feeling discouraged in your prayer, your relationship with God, your relationship with others - I encourage you not to be. Turn to the Psalms - they show us how God truly answers our prayers. He doesn't always answer them in the way we want or the way we expect, but he rewards our prayer, our efforts. He provides, and we can find peace and hope in that!

Patience in the Transformation of Your Soul

A year ago I was mad at God... actually, I was pissed. I was so frustrated for so many reasons. I was frustrated because I had to take a semester off school, because I was in chronic pain... literally every day my head, neck, and shoulders hurt inexplicably. And, naturally, there were boy issues... there was a guy in my life who had been a dear friend for years, but I liked him as more than a friend and over the fall we had gotten close, texting on a daily basis... and then he had started dating someone else around the time that I withdrew from classes and was still frustrated because I felt like crap every day.. Him starting to date someone was like kicking me while I was down, and I realize now that I was validating myself through his love, encouragement and support. It has been a long journey.. Today, as I was running I was reflecting on my life. I have never been a person to run when it's twenty degrees outside and there's snow on the ground. I ran three times this week, and each time there was snow on the ground. Who am I?

In the past year I've learned a lot, but before I go on I want to share a story about my patient. My patient today, who greatly impacted me, was a middle aged woman who has been fighting cancer. She had surgery, and is now recovering at our rehab center, as she has been fighting this impossible battle. I was with her for four hours last Saturday. Last weekend I had to console her while she was crying because she felt like she was never going to get better, she wanted to be back to what she was.. and my heart broke for her. So today, when I saw I was with her, it was so good. I helped her with a transfer, and it was so much better. She was more alert. She had more color to her face. She held on a conversation with me. And I told her all of these things. She looks at me at one point and says I don't know why I'm so shaking today. And I asked her what makes you say that. And she showed me and I went on telling her how much better she's doing today compared to a week ago. And she said thank you. I told her she needed to patient with herself because healing takes time.

Now, if only I could have taken this to heart a year ago. I know I was blessed to be in the spot I was, my household sisters held me accountable, kept me praying, supported me, and loved me so much when I thought I was unlovable. I've learned a lot in the last year, more than words can ever express. But as I was reflecting on this while I was running, I've realized the importance of self care. Last semester I had a nutrition class, and another class that really focused on the importance of caring for ourselves. This semester I'm in a fundamental nursing class where we learn the standards and skills one needs to be a nurse. But we talk in this class, to some extent, about the importance of self care as well. And I'm in an anatomy and physiology class where we're learning about how the human body functions as a whole, so again I am learning about the gift that my body is... And I think this is why I have been running more. I have found motivation to run because I've realized it makes me feel better. I eat healthier too, and again, I think this because I see the results of how I feel. Managing stress is extremely important for me because stress triggers my headaches.

My over-arching thought in all of this; however, is how far I have come in the past year. My relationships with my parents are two of the most important relationships in my life... I never would have said that a year ago. My relationship with God - there are not words. Sometimes on Valentine's day it's easy to get caught up in the "I'm single" moping mode, but this did not happen. I spent the day finding ways to show my sisters how loved they are, and I went to mass and adoration, and took extra prayer time in the afternoon as well, where Jesus just consumed my heart. I cannot recall a time in my life where I have ever felt so loved! I love going to school. I'm in the classes I would have been in if I had not been ill last year. I have made really good friends with one of the girls in my class. I find such joy in all that I am doing. I have a job I love. I am serving with a youth group, and working with a team where my leadership skills really get to grow and be tested. A year ago, this all seemed in possible, and in various moments it felt as if my life was over and my dreams were never going to come true (melodramatic, I know).

So what I'm preaching here - we need to be patient with ourselves. I needed this past year to grow in numerous ways. In these ways I've grown, most of all I've grown closer to Christ. That is transformation of the soul. All our lives spent on earth are to transform our souls, to prepare for heaven. We just need to learn to be patient with ourselves, especially in a world filled with instant gratification..

Thus - if you're beating yourself up right now in your life, for any reason, stop. You are right where you're supposed to be. You are loved more than you can possibly imagine, and if life seems really hard right now - have hope, God is working a miracle in your soul!

Love Love Love

With Valentine's day just around the corner, literally...tomorrow, this is a fitting post, but not what inspired me. Recently the virtue of charity has been frequenting my prayer. It started when I went to confession in January and the priest explained some things, and how this particular sin I was struggling with is an example of selfish love, and he explained how charity is kind of like the virtue of all virtues. Two weeks later I went to confession again, and again charity got mentioned. I'd been thinking a lot about love, and what that means and what that looks like, but I apparently needed to take it deeper still. Finally, in prayer time I decided to pull out my catechism - what does the catechism teach on charity? well I'm glad you asked because there's a boat load... Here are my findings from the catechism:

• "Charity is superior to all virtues. (1826)
• The practice of all virtues is animated and inspired by charity, which binds everything together in perfect harmony...charity upholds and purifies our human ability to love, and raises it to the supernatural perfection of Divine Love(1827). 
• The practice of charity gives the Christian the spiritual freedom of the children of God. 
• fruits of charity - peace, joy, and mercy
• Love is itself the fulfillment of all our works. There is the goal; that is why we run: we run towards it, and once we reach it, in it we find rest. St. Augustine
• Charity is the soul of the holiness to which we are all called
• Love, in fact, is the vocation which includes all others; it's a universe of its own, comprising all space, and time- it's eternal., St. Therese
• Love is the source of prayer, whoever draws from it reaches the summit of prayer 
• The way of perfection passes by way of the cross. There is no holiness without renunciation and spiritual battle. 

The practice of all virtues is animated and inspired by charity, which binds everything together in perfect harmony...charity upholds and purifies our human ability to love, and raises it to the supernatural perfection of Divine Love

Charity - the virtue of all virtue.. 

Today, I went for a run. There's this park near my house that has a really nice trail that I love to run on. Today when I got there, the sheriff department was there with a team doing something on the ice of the pond that's there. I have no idea what they were doing. I never stopped to ask. I just went for my run. But I'm a curious person, so I wondered why they were there and created this ridiculous scenario in my head. I recently heard a talk, given by a couple, and the woman said something about woman's brains taking one thing and running with it.. very far.. and every woman in the room laughed and nodded their heads.. I think the men were stumped by the statement. So the scenario I came up with - I decided they were searching for a body of a person who had gone missing, and they got a tip that someone spotted a person in this pond. So then I decided the person is found.. and they perform CPR bringing this person to life. Then I imagine a news crew there asking me what I thought about this situation and so basically I had a chance to speak my mind, so I began to think about what I would say. I decided that I would say the situation made me sad... whether the person ended up there by murder, or suicide it would make me sad. There is such a lack of love in this world that if this person was committing suicide it would make me sad because that means they felt unnoticed, and unwanted in this world. If it was murder it would make me sad because the person who did it probably had a really hard life, and never knew they were cherished.. 

So basically, this all boils down to love. If I had one message that I could send out to the world it would be one of love. We all need to make an effort to love each other, to encourage each other. To be selfless, and give of ourselves - to be gifts to those around us. Scripture tells us to love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength. And love your neighbor as yourself (Lk 10:27). 

In Philippians it says: do nothing out of selfishness or vainglory; rather, humbly regard others as more important than yourselves. 

That gets me every time - humbly regard others as more important than yourselves. In  a world that promotes success, and success measured by money and accomplishment it is mighty hard to put others before yourself. 

I'm in nursing school. I chose nursing because of many reasons. I felt called there, I felt peace with that choice, and my dad approved of this education choice... but most of all it was because I knew I wanted to spend my life serving other people, and what better way to do that than as a nurse. My job is to put people before myself, to care for them, to love them...as they are; which is often at their worst.. 

Through the Catechism, through scripture, through my own experiences I have learned love is the most powerful of all virtues, and I just want to encourage each of us to look to the Lord for love, for he loves us more than our minds can fathom, and to strive to love each person we encounter with all that we have all that we are because all that we have and all that we are is from Christ. It is in him that we find our home. 

God bless! 

Peace and love in Christ!

Charity

I recently went to confession and the priest said to pray to grow in the virtue of charity. I had listed all my sins, and they are closely related. Father said that the virtues work as a whole organism, and said something along the lines of charity being the ultimate virtue - with it comes all the other virtues, so we have to allow ourselves to grow in charity. I've been praying for this a lot, and trying to grow here too, looking for opportunities. I had one the other day, and opted out because "I didn't feel like it" but the next moment I had I acted on it, and chose to put away the dishes and clean up the kitchen even though I didn't feel like it, but I knew it was something that my roommates would appreciate, so I did it out of love for them. Now, I don't say this for bragging rights by any means, but I shared it as an example.

The past two days I've had a lot of anxiety. There have just been some tough things lately, kind of the "when it rains it pours" occurrence. So I called up one of my friends today to see if I could come over because I didn't want to be alone. First, I had to admit to myself that I did not want to be alone, that was a toughie - admitting to myself my struggle in the moment. Second, I had to ask.. yikes. But it was great.. as I was driving home after I realized that in asking to grow in charity it goes both ways. There are going to be opportunities where I need to choose to be charitable to others, but there are also going to be opportunities where I am going to have to allow others to be charitable towards me.

You see, a lot of times I try to be super woman (that's punny because my last name is super). I try to do it all on my own. I might attempt relying on Jesus (maybe, if it's a good day). But more often than not I am super woman, do it all, get it all right the first time, etc. So today, today was humbling. I had to allow someone to be charitable towards me, to allow them to love me, and to not try and walk the walk of faith on my own, as much as I might try to, it's not possible.

So I ask you - are you trying to be super woman/man or are you allowing others to be charitable towards you, as you are charitable towards others?

God bless!
Pax in Christi

Jesus:Divine Physician

So my parish has their parish mission this week, I haven't been able to go because Sunday night was too cold and the roads were probably still questionable (basically there was simply no leaving of the house), and tonight I had night class. However, the speaker put in the bulletin a brief summary of his talk and the scripture he was using as well. So, I've been using that for my prayer this week, and it has been quite refreshing to my soul. Today used Mark 5:25-34. I decided to read the scripture first and just see where it went, and then reference the summary as a spark for inspiration if needed. However, the Holy Spirit lead me all on my own.

 And there was a woman who had had a flow of blood for twelve years, and who had suffered much under many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was no better but rather grew worse. She had heard the reports about Jesus, and came up behind him in the crowd and touched his garment. For she said, “If I touch even his garments, I shall be made well.” And immediately the hemorrhage ceased; and she felt in her body that she was healed of her disease. And Jesus, perceiving in himself that power had gone forth from him, immediately turned about in the crowd, and said, “Who touched my garments?” And his disciples said to him, “You see the crowd pressing around you, and yet you say, ‘Who touched me?’” And he looked around to see who had done it. But the woman, knowing what had been done to her, came in fear and trembling and fell down before him, and told him the whole truth. And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease.”

"Go in peace and be cured of your affliction" (Mk 5:34).

As mentioned in a previous blog found here, I struggle with seasonal depression. It comes in fits and spurs. The exception cold has been causing me to be more isolated than normal because I prefer to stay home where I can stay warm. In addition to having a hard patch this month, I've had a hard time adjusting my prayer life to my new schedule/semester. And to top things off, today there was an explosion of family drama, that ended up being very hurtful to many people. And after talking to my mom about what was going on I actually sat and just cried for a while (which was actually a good thing, to allow my emotions to happen and let them pass rather than push them aside and stew in them). Needless to say, I'd been feeling a little down, but when I read the line above from Mark I was inspired and reminded of a few things that I just want to share.

Jesus does not want us to be miserable. he wants us to have peace, to have joy. He wants to immerse us in his mercy and grace. As I struggled today, Jesus wished to offer me peace. Yes, we must suffer for the salvation of souls. Suffering is an inevitable part of being a Christian. However, we need to suffer with joy. Jesus is the Divine Physician, and he wishes to heal us of our affliction and offer us peace.

We also need to remember our free will. It is our choice to pick faith and peace, healing and joy or to allow the miseries of the world to consume us.

The woman in the Gospel today chose faith, and Jesus rewarded her. He teaches us that by choosing faith we are given peace and opportunity to be healed from affliction. However, one thing to keep in mind is Jesus may not heal us in the way we want or expect to be healed. He will do what is best for us, for the salvation of our souls, and the souls of those we love. So offer yourself to the Lord, offer your suffering to him, simply knowing that he will work and will heal in the way that is most beneficial to us, even when we don't see it in the moment.

I want to close with a quote from The Imitation of Mary: grace is intensified wherever effort is made. Any effort we make to choose faith, to choose Jesus is rewarded with grace. Wherever you are at in your faith journey, offer whatever it is that you can to the Lord to allow him to begin working in your heart and in your life, and you will see a difference that will cause you to continue to return to him.

God bless! Pax in Christi