A year ago I was mad at God... actually, I was pissed. I was so frustrated for so many reasons. I was frustrated because I had to take a semester off school, because I was in chronic pain... literally every day my head, neck, and shoulders hurt inexplicably. And, naturally, there were boy issues... there was a guy in my life who had been a dear friend for years, but I liked him as more than a friend and over the fall we had gotten close, texting on a daily basis... and then he had started dating someone else around the time that I withdrew from classes and was still frustrated because I felt like crap every day.. Him starting to date someone was like kicking me while I was down, and I realize now that I was validating myself through his love, encouragement and support. It has been a long journey.. Today, as I was running I was reflecting on my life. I have never been a person to run when it's twenty degrees outside and there's snow on the ground. I ran three times this week, and each time there was snow on the ground. Who am I?
In the past year I've learned a lot, but before I go on I want to share a story about my patient. My patient today, who greatly impacted me, was a middle aged woman who has been fighting cancer. She had surgery, and is now recovering at our rehab center, as she has been fighting this impossible battle. I was with her for four hours last Saturday. Last weekend I had to console her while she was crying because she felt like she was never going to get better, she wanted to be back to what she was.. and my heart broke for her. So today, when I saw I was with her, it was so good. I helped her with a transfer, and it was so much better. She was more alert. She had more color to her face. She held on a conversation with me. And I told her all of these things. She looks at me at one point and says I don't know why I'm so shaking today. And I asked her what makes you say that. And she showed me and I went on telling her how much better she's doing today compared to a week ago. And she said thank you. I told her she needed to patient with herself because healing takes time.
Now, if only I could have taken this to heart a year ago. I know I was blessed to be in the spot I was, my household sisters held me accountable, kept me praying, supported me, and loved me so much when I thought I was unlovable. I've learned a lot in the last year, more than words can ever express. But as I was reflecting on this while I was running, I've realized the importance of self care. Last semester I had a nutrition class, and another class that really focused on the importance of caring for ourselves. This semester I'm in a fundamental nursing class where we learn the standards and skills one needs to be a nurse. But we talk in this class, to some extent, about the importance of self care as well. And I'm in an anatomy and physiology class where we're learning about how the human body functions as a whole, so again I am learning about the gift that my body is... And I think this is why I have been running more. I have found motivation to run because I've realized it makes me feel better. I eat healthier too, and again, I think this because I see the results of how I feel. Managing stress is extremely important for me because stress triggers my headaches.
My over-arching thought in all of this; however, is how far I have come in the past year. My relationships with my parents are two of the most important relationships in my life... I never would have said that a year ago. My relationship with God - there are not words. Sometimes on Valentine's day it's easy to get caught up in the "I'm single" moping mode, but this did not happen. I spent the day finding ways to show my sisters how loved they are, and I went to mass and adoration, and took extra prayer time in the afternoon as well, where Jesus just consumed my heart. I cannot recall a time in my life where I have ever felt so loved! I love going to school. I'm in the classes I would have been in if I had not been ill last year. I have made really good friends with one of the girls in my class. I find such joy in all that I am doing. I have a job I love. I am serving with a youth group, and working with a team where my leadership skills really get to grow and be tested. A year ago, this all seemed in possible, and in various moments it felt as if my life was over and my dreams were never going to come true (melodramatic, I know).
So what I'm preaching here - we need to be patient with ourselves. I needed this past year to grow in numerous ways. In these ways I've grown, most of all I've grown closer to Christ. That is transformation of the soul. All our lives spent on earth are to transform our souls, to prepare for heaven. We just need to learn to be patient with ourselves, especially in a world filled with instant gratification..
Thus - if you're beating yourself up right now in your life, for any reason, stop. You are right where you're supposed to be. You are loved more than you can possibly imagine, and if life seems really hard right now - have hope, God is working a miracle in your soul!
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