MY Plan is NOT GOD'S Plan

Tonight was one of those nights where I was super tired. I was out late last night, I moved today, by all reason and logic I should be exhausted, and should have crashed, which was my full intention. Then, I curled up in my bed with netflix, all ready to go night-night... and next thing I knew I was wide awake... So I decided it was a good night for some blogging. My night has now turned into what is actually one of my favorite nights. I ate some popcorn, made some tea and started playing my 'Come Thou Fount' pandora station (I think everyone should have this station).

A couple weeks ago I was at the Steubenville Youth Conference as a chaperon with the youth group I've helped with for the past year. The last time I was at a Steubenville Conference was 5 years ago. I was going into my junior year of high school. I had just finished RCIA and was preparing my heart and body to receive the sacraments in September. The last time I was at a Steubenville Conference I was dating this guy who I thought was the bees knees. I was 16. Being back on the campus of Franciscan University for this conference, and not being where I thought I would be was very surreal.

Five years ago I thought I would be married to my "high school sweetheart", living in a house he built in the woods with one or two kids. Though we were young, we took our relationship very serious. So what I'm getting at is that today I am not anywhere near where I thought my life was going to take me 5 years ago. And this thought has been recurring a lot to me over the last week or so as I continue to reflect on my life.

After going on this conference I started praying every day, on my own.. without anyone encouraging me or really directing me. I read scripture and prayed a decade of the rosary. Shortly after (very shortly), the guy calls me one morning to tell me well - we aren't supposed to be together anymore. And I was... well... the short version is a hot mess.. so we'll leave it at that.

BUT so. much. goodness... so much goodness came from this. As heartbroken and devastated as I was, I know this was a good thing. I kept turning to God. It was quite the battle for me to heal from the hurt, after consuming myself with this relationship, but the goodness came in that the good Lord was able to fill the void left from the ending of this relationship. It took me a long time to heal, and slowly but surely I began drawing closer to God and allowing him to heal me..

Today - I'm single, but in love with the Lord, and satisfied by him (most days... nobody's perfect..). I'm in

nursing school. I have an amazing group of friends. I know there's a lot I still need to learn. I know I still need to grow in virtue, in selfless sacrificial love. I'm not where I planned my life out to be 5 years ago. I'm not where I thought I would be, but I would not want to be anywhere else.

Today, one of my best friends got engaged. She is my sister. She knows my heart, my struggles, and I know hers. She is beautiful. And watching this relationship unfold, has been a beautiful gift, and a beautiful testament to God's plan not being our plans for ourselves. This part of her journey in her life helped me to see God's infinitely perfect timing. Her now fiance came into her life at the right time, with where she was at with school. Their budding friendship started just before her final year of school, almost exactly a year ago. And with all she's told me about this relationship, it was so clearly God's will. So much peace came with it.

So the lesson of the week, my plan is not God's plan, but God's plan is infinitely greater than what I could plan for myself.

Seek Jesus in the Eucharist

My CYSC small group

So y'all haven't heard from me in a while, and I'd been posting on a pretty regular basis so you might be wondering what happened to me. Well, I finished my summer semester of classes, vegged out for a few days, and took off for 9 days of service to middle school and high school youth. The first 6 days I was gone I was at CYSC (read more about here). I was in charge of a small group of 8 middle school girls - mine were going into 7th and 8th grade. It was a beautiful, challenging, grace-filled week of growth in love, here). Which was a more relaxed weekend, filled with lots of Jesus love. There is so much I could tell you about all these days I spent away from the normal grind of life... and I'm sure it will continue to come out.
specifically self-less love. Then I went straight from camp to meet up with the high school youth group I serve with at a Steubenville Conference (read more about them

Let's see - on Friday of camp - when we send our campers home and Mason (a fellow counselor) and I headed to Steubenville, OH about 3 hours from camp. I had begun losing my voice - and it continued to go out all weekend. So come Sunday, I was pretty raw for a voice, but had convinced myself I wasn't getting sick.. Well, my voice didn't get better and by Wednesday it was starting to feel more like a cold. Come Thursday night I was pretty miserable. I'd gotten my voice back at this point, but I was hacking like it was job. Friday morning I woke up more miserable than I'd felt in a long time, so I crawled out of bed and headed straight to the local minute clinic, which wasn't going to have a physician present, so I called my doctors office and they squeezed me in that morning. I was very thankful. So I call my mom to kill time waiting to go to the drs office, and am crying for my mom to make me feel better because at that point I was in a lot of pain, in my head, in my ear, and had grossed myself out with the mucous coming out of my body. I go to my appt and after an hour of waiting finally see the doc. Where she progresses to look at me, get a second doctor's opinion on what medication to put me on - they put me on the strong stuff and send me home with some wonderful cough syrup and antibiotics. So I got home and put myself to bed where I proceeded to sleep from noon on Friday until about 2 Saturday afternoon. I may have been awake an hour or two here or there, but that was about it. And Saturday afternoon I still took it easy, just laying in bed watching movies.... but I was getting sick of television at this point too.. Okay - so I was sick and miserable and whiny and mucous-ey, and gross... what does this have to do with Jesus in the Eucharist...

It all started back in February. I was on a retreat and we had adoration that afternoon, and I just had this increased desire for Jesus in the Eucharist. So for lent this year my prayer 'add' was to go to mass or adoration everyday. Well since then, I've continued this practice, not necessarily everyday intentionally, but I tend to make a point to go to daily mass if it fits with my schedule. For the time I was at CYSC and Steubenville I went to mass everyday for 8 of the 9 days I was gone, and was able to adore Jesus in the Eucharist via Eucharistic Adoration at least 4 times. So coming back from my adventures I continued going to daily mass where I could and adoration and sometimes doing both because I have the time right now so I might as well take advantage of the time I have to grow in the grace of Christ. Well, from Thursday through Saturday I wasn't able to go to mass or adoration, or even spend time praying in the way I normally do - reading and reflecting on scripture, but was just stuck offering up my suffering for others when I was awake enough to do so.. yeah... I was pretty pathetic.. I clearly don't handle being sick well... but an ear infection and sinus infection consecutively makes for a lot of head pain..


Anyway, I was so excited to go to mass today! I was finally able to leave the house. I got dressed in clothes that weren't jammies... I smelled good, I looked good, I was feeling good - but best of all I finally got to seek Jesus in the Eucharist..

My friends, Jesus is everything. He is all we need. He is our source, our summit, our strength, our courage, our energy, our healer, our redeemer, our friend, our rock. He wants us. He seeks in each moment, and we should seek to receive him. Here a few quotes I found from saints on seeking the Eucharist, that really encompass all I wanted to get across in this post.

Happy is the soul that knows how to find Jesus in the Eucharist, and in the Eucharist all things! St. Peter Julian Eymard

I urge you with all the strength of my soul to approach the Eucharistic Table as often as possible. Pierre Giorgio Frassati

It would be easier for the world to survive without the sun than without holy mass Padre Pio

There is nothing so great as the Eucharist. If God had something more precious he would have given it to us. St. John Marie Vianney

If we only knew how God regards this sacrifice, we would risk our lives to be present at a single mass. Padre Pio

Jesus is everything we need, and he comes to us in the form of bread, to nourish our souls. May we seek him with all we have, may we risk our lives to seek him in his truest form. 

Rosary Runs + Hats

I bought a hat today. I don't wear hats. I've never worn hats, and never really liked wearing hats, but I bought a hat because I needed something to keep the sun out of my eyes when I run. It's been quite toasty this summer, and I have early starts to my morning, so a morning run hasn't been an option, so I've had to wait for evening to run, but often when I was on my way home the sun is just always hitting me in the eyes. Therefore, I bought a hat. I used it today. It was a good purchase - well worth the $2.88 (thanks walmart).

So I ran tonight because, clearly, I had to test out my hat. That's not actually true. I ran tonight because I just needed to. I needed to do a prayer run. I needed to clear my head, to think, to pray. There seems to be so much going on in my head and nothing all at the same time. It's quite bizarre. 'Round here we've seemed to

have the relationship bug, but I realized earlier this week that I needed to stay focused on where I'm at in my life, and keep my eyes fixed on Jesus. Well - I'm not perfect at that, but I'm working on it.

Because I was feeling all bleh about relationships, and my realizations this week, and needing to come to a concrete resolution, I needed a rosary run. My best revelations come during my rosary runs. I love rosary runs because you're doing something active, and you're praying, and it's hard - so you can push yourself when your hard, but pushing yourself is hard, but you can do it as a prayer - so it becomes doing something greater than yourself. I do my rosary by offering each decade for different intentions. My intentions today were for help in keeping my eyes and heart fixed on Jesus, and doing all for his glory, for my small group girls that I will care for at CYSC (learn more about it here) this upcoming week, for my future spouse (and all the holy men I know who could potentially be that man) for their purity, courage, clarity, and lastly for conversion of all those in my life who do not know Christ. So there are different moments in my run where I'm getting sore, or breathing is getting hard, but in order to keep praying I have to keep running. Anyway, I didn't have any revelations, or profound thoughts during my rosary.

Once I finished today I started walking because I was just feeling really tired, and I could think I a little better that way too. And I just started praying, asking the Lord to help me to see what he wanted to teach me, what he wanted me to do - he was trying to tell me something, but I wasn't listening very well.

One of my favorite quotes came to mind: Whenever anything disagreeable or displeasing happens to you, remember Christ crucified and be silent. St. John of the Cross. 
And I realized that I was frustrated. I was not pleased with having to wait, with having to patient, and I really wasn't pleased with this idea that the guy I might particularly like may not come to be more than a good friendship, and I was holding onto that frustration. Once I recalled this quote a great peace washed over me, and I was reminded of the Lord's great love for me.

In the Boat with Jesus

This post is actually just a copy of the magnifcat reflection from yesterday's readings. I read it last night and was super convicted. I've been having a lot of conversations about the future, and different desires many of my single sisters have for a relationship, for marriage and a family - basically it boils down to we've all had a bad case of spring fever, so when I read this reflection last night I realized that Jesus has us where we are right now for a particular reason. He is about a great work in our hearts and lives, even if don't see it now, and he is preparing us for whatever the future has in store for us. We simply need to be present to where we are right now, and he will work with us and his plan will come to fruition in due time.

In the Boat with Jesus – Padre Pio

Whatever can I say in order to stop the multitude of your thoughts? Don’t try, excessively, to heal your heart, as your efforts would only make it more infirm. Don’t make too great an effort to overcome your temptations, as this violence would only make them stronger. Despise them and don’t dwell on them too much.

Keep Jesus Crucified present to your imagination; in your arms and on your breast, and, kissing his side, say a thousand times: “This is my hope, the living source of my happiness; this is the heart of my soul nothing will ever separate me from his love. I possess him and will not leave him, until he places me in a safe place.

Often say to him: “What can I have on earth, or what can I expect in heaven, if not you, oh my Jesus? You are the God of my heart and the inheritance I desire for all eternity.”

Whom should we fear, therefore? Listen to our Lord who says to Abraham and to you also: “Do not fear, I am your protector.” Therefore, be steadfast in your resolutions. Stay in the boat in which he has placed you, and let the storm come. Long live Jesus!; you will not perish. He may sleep, but at the opportune time he will awaken to restore your calm.