Am I Missing Jesus?

Mary Magdalene stayed outside the tomb weeping.

And as she wept, she bent over into the tomb
and saw two angels in white sitting there,
one at the head and one at the feet
where the Body of Jesus had been.
And they said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping?”
She said to them, “They have taken my Lord,
and I don’t know where they laid him.”
When she had said this, she turned around and saw Jesus there,
but did not know it was Jesus.
Jn 20:11-14


I read this Tuesday before mass, as it was the Gospel reading, and thought to myself, how often do I weep, wondering where Jesus is?

I look back on the last 6 months of my life. I started having daily headaches, failed a class, retook the class, withdrew from full time classes, had my heart broke, started physical therapy, and I remember so many times thinking to myself, woe is me. Why must I have this suffering? Why am I going through all these things? Why am I suffering? What did I do to deserve this? Woe is me, woe is me, woe is me. Why did God let this happen to me? wait. stop. Why did God let this happen? God was there, knowing what I was going through, knowing the challenges I was having, he was there. But I did not see him. I did not know his presence. Sure, there were moments where I would look at the cross, and say "none of this matters because Christ's love surpasses all" but those were few and far between. More often, it was why am I being asked to suffer in this way? Why is this happening to me? I can't do this anymore, I can't bear this cross. My suffering limit has been exceeded. 

I felt all these things because I was missing God, right there with me - in my emptiness, in my pain. Just as Mary Magdalene did in this Gospel - why are you weeping my daughter? 'Because my Lord has been taken, and I do not know where he is' -yet he was standing right next to her. He was right there the whole time. 

Our lives will always be filled with trials, and tribulations. Through our journey, we will learn it is a joy to suffer for Christ, but will we continue to overlook him, and his presence with us, a-midst the depth of our suffering, or will we see how our suffering can be used for the salvation of souls?

I challenge you, and myself, to ask am I missing Jesus' presence in my life? Am I overlooking him, when he is standing there next to me?

I look back on the last six months, and remember all the times where it felt life would never get back to normal, and I was going to miserable forever. I thought that the suffering would never end. I doubted that Jesus would carry me through. However, just in time for Easter, the Lord has provided for me everything I needed. The healing I needed, the job I needed - all that was lacking he provided. Where there was hurting, he healed. In the moment, I did not see Christ present with me, but looking back now, I can see where he was, and how He was working. I can only hope to do better at seeing his light the next time I am given a cross to bear - to his presence, to see him walking alongside me, helping me with the cross given to me by the Father.