I went to morning prayer at one of the SPO women's households this morning. For this we prayer liturgy of the hours (click here to learn more), and we do some intercessions. One of the girl's prayed for the Lord to answer our prayers, to reward our efforts. And then I was driving one of the girls to her class this morning and we were talking about this - the Lord rewarding our efforts.
As you all know by now, I took a semester off school, and during that time I was able to go to daily mass a lot. Though I struggled through that time, I see the Lord rewarded it. Now, I'm going through a tougher semester of school, spending a lot of time studying, had to cut back my hours at work, but the Lord has rewarded me in this because he has given me more opportunities to attend mass, an increased desire for the Eucharist, and he has given me a place to serve where I am fulfilled in all that I do.
This sister I was taking to school had a similar thought - in that God is her strength. She just started an additional class this week for the semester, and it's more taxing and very different from the classes she has recently been in, and she was questioning how she was going to do this - and then on Wednesday, she entrusted it to the Lord. She no longer had the strength to keep going, but since she handed it to the Lord he has supplied the strength she needed to persevere.
I was talking with one of my high schoolers on Sunday after youth group, and she was sharing her struggles, particularly her struggle in her walk with God at the present time and as we were chatting I told her that God was grateful for her efforts. It was a good thing that she recognized her relationship with the Lord was hurting, and it was a good thing she was seeking someone out! Praise the Lord for his goodness! He rewards us in ways that we never imagine.
There's a song that says something to the effect of there being more tears shed over answered prayers than unanswered ones - which I think is funny because God hears all our prayers, and he responds, but in accord with His will and including our free will.
So if you are feeling discouraged in your prayer, your relationship with God, your relationship with others - I encourage you not to be. Turn to the Psalms - they show us how God truly answers our prayers. He doesn't always answer them in the way we want or the way we expect, but he rewards our prayer, our efforts. He provides, and we can find peace and hope in that!
Thursday, February 20, 2014
Saturday, February 15, 2014
Patience in the Transformation of Your Soul
A year ago I was mad at God... actually, I was pissed. I was so frustrated for so many reasons. I was frustrated because I had to take a semester off school, because I was in chronic pain... literally every day my head, neck, and shoulders hurt inexplicably. And, naturally, there were boy issues... there was a guy in my life who had been a dear friend for years, but I liked him as more than a friend and over the fall we had gotten close, texting on a daily basis... and then he had started dating someone else around the time that I withdrew from classes and was still frustrated because I felt like crap every day.. Him starting to date someone was like kicking me while I was down, and I realize now that I was validating myself through his love, encouragement and support. It has been a long journey.. Today, as I was running I was reflecting on my life. I have never been a person to run when it's twenty degrees outside and there's snow on the ground. I ran three times this week, and each time there was snow on the ground. Who am I?
In the past year I've learned a lot, but before I go on I want to share a story about my patient. My patient today, who greatly impacted me, was a middle aged woman who has been fighting cancer. She had surgery, and is now recovering at our rehab center, as she has been fighting this impossible battle. I was with her for four hours last Saturday. Last weekend I had to console her while she was crying because she felt like she was never going to get better, she wanted to be back to what she was.. and my heart broke for her. So today, when I saw I was with her, it was so good. I helped her with a transfer, and it was so much better. She was more alert. She had more color to her face. She held on a conversation with me. And I told her all of these things. She looks at me at one point and says I don't know why I'm so shaking today. And I asked her what makes you say that. And she showed me and I went on telling her how much better she's doing today compared to a week ago. And she said thank you. I told her she needed to patient with herself because healing takes time.
Now, if only I could have taken this to heart a year ago. I know I was blessed to be in the spot I was, my household sisters held me accountable, kept me praying, supported me, and loved me so much when I thought I was unlovable. I've learned a lot in the last year, more than words can ever express. But as I was reflecting on this while I was running, I've realized the importance of self care. Last semester I had a nutrition class, and another class that really focused on the importance of caring for ourselves. This semester I'm in a fundamental nursing class where we learn the standards and skills one needs to be a nurse. But we talk in this class, to some extent, about the importance of self care as well. And I'm in an anatomy and physiology class where we're learning about how the human body functions as a whole, so again I am learning about the gift that my body is... And I think this is why I have been running more. I have found motivation to run because I've realized it makes me feel better. I eat healthier too, and again, I think this because I see the results of how I feel. Managing stress is extremely important for me because stress triggers my headaches.
My over-arching thought in all of this; however, is how far I have come in the past year. My relationships with my parents are two of the most important relationships in my life... I never would have said that a year ago. My relationship with God - there are not words. Sometimes on Valentine's day it's easy to get caught up in the "I'm single" moping mode, but this did not happen. I spent the day finding ways to show my sisters how loved they are, and I went to mass and adoration, and took extra prayer time in the afternoon as well, where Jesus just consumed my heart. I cannot recall a time in my life where I have ever felt so loved! I love going to school. I'm in the classes I would have been in if I had not been ill last year. I have made really good friends with one of the girls in my class. I find such joy in all that I am doing. I have a job I love. I am serving with a youth group, and working with a team where my leadership skills really get to grow and be tested. A year ago, this all seemed in possible, and in various moments it felt as if my life was over and my dreams were never going to come true (melodramatic, I know).
So what I'm preaching here - we need to be patient with ourselves. I needed this past year to grow in numerous ways. In these ways I've grown, most of all I've grown closer to Christ. That is transformation of the soul. All our lives spent on earth are to transform our souls, to prepare for heaven. We just need to learn to be patient with ourselves, especially in a world filled with instant gratification..
Thus - if you're beating yourself up right now in your life, for any reason, stop. You are right where you're supposed to be. You are loved more than you can possibly imagine, and if life seems really hard right now - have hope, God is working a miracle in your soul!
In the past year I've learned a lot, but before I go on I want to share a story about my patient. My patient today, who greatly impacted me, was a middle aged woman who has been fighting cancer. She had surgery, and is now recovering at our rehab center, as she has been fighting this impossible battle. I was with her for four hours last Saturday. Last weekend I had to console her while she was crying because she felt like she was never going to get better, she wanted to be back to what she was.. and my heart broke for her. So today, when I saw I was with her, it was so good. I helped her with a transfer, and it was so much better. She was more alert. She had more color to her face. She held on a conversation with me. And I told her all of these things. She looks at me at one point and says I don't know why I'm so shaking today. And I asked her what makes you say that. And she showed me and I went on telling her how much better she's doing today compared to a week ago. And she said thank you. I told her she needed to patient with herself because healing takes time.
Now, if only I could have taken this to heart a year ago. I know I was blessed to be in the spot I was, my household sisters held me accountable, kept me praying, supported me, and loved me so much when I thought I was unlovable. I've learned a lot in the last year, more than words can ever express. But as I was reflecting on this while I was running, I've realized the importance of self care. Last semester I had a nutrition class, and another class that really focused on the importance of caring for ourselves. This semester I'm in a fundamental nursing class where we learn the standards and skills one needs to be a nurse. But we talk in this class, to some extent, about the importance of self care as well. And I'm in an anatomy and physiology class where we're learning about how the human body functions as a whole, so again I am learning about the gift that my body is... And I think this is why I have been running more. I have found motivation to run because I've realized it makes me feel better. I eat healthier too, and again, I think this because I see the results of how I feel. Managing stress is extremely important for me because stress triggers my headaches.
My over-arching thought in all of this; however, is how far I have come in the past year. My relationships with my parents are two of the most important relationships in my life... I never would have said that a year ago. My relationship with God - there are not words. Sometimes on Valentine's day it's easy to get caught up in the "I'm single" moping mode, but this did not happen. I spent the day finding ways to show my sisters how loved they are, and I went to mass and adoration, and took extra prayer time in the afternoon as well, where Jesus just consumed my heart. I cannot recall a time in my life where I have ever felt so loved! I love going to school. I'm in the classes I would have been in if I had not been ill last year. I have made really good friends with one of the girls in my class. I find such joy in all that I am doing. I have a job I love. I am serving with a youth group, and working with a team where my leadership skills really get to grow and be tested. A year ago, this all seemed in possible, and in various moments it felt as if my life was over and my dreams were never going to come true (melodramatic, I know).
So what I'm preaching here - we need to be patient with ourselves. I needed this past year to grow in numerous ways. In these ways I've grown, most of all I've grown closer to Christ. That is transformation of the soul. All our lives spent on earth are to transform our souls, to prepare for heaven. We just need to learn to be patient with ourselves, especially in a world filled with instant gratification..
Thus - if you're beating yourself up right now in your life, for any reason, stop. You are right where you're supposed to be. You are loved more than you can possibly imagine, and if life seems really hard right now - have hope, God is working a miracle in your soul!
Thursday, February 13, 2014
Love Love Love
With Valentine's day just around the corner, literally...tomorrow, this is a fitting post, but not what inspired me. Recently the virtue of charity has been frequenting my prayer. It started when I went to confession in January and the priest explained some things, and how this particular sin I was struggling with is an example of selfish love, and he explained how charity is kind of like the virtue of all virtues. Two weeks later I went to confession again, and again charity got mentioned. I'd been thinking a lot about love, and what that means and what that looks like, but I apparently needed to take it deeper still. Finally, in prayer time I decided to pull out my catechism - what does the catechism teach on charity? well I'm glad you asked because there's a boat load... Here are my findings from the catechism:
- "Charity is superior to all virtues. (1826)
- The practice of all virtues is animated and inspired by charity, which binds everything together in perfect harmony...charity upholds and purifies our human ability to love, and raises it to the supernatural perfection of Divine Love(1827).
- The practice of charity gives the Christian the spiritual freedom of the children of God.
- fruits of charity - peace, joy, and mercy
- Love is itself the fulfillment of all our works. There is the goal; that is why we run: we run towards it, and once we reach it, in it we find rest. St. Augustine
- Charity is the soul of the holiness to which we are all called
- Love, in fact, is the vocation which includes all others; it's a universe of its own, comprising all space, and time- it's eternal., St. Therese
- Love is the source of prayer, whoever draws from it reaches the summit of prayer
- The way of perfection passes by way of the cross. There is no holiness without renunciation and spiritual battle.
The practice of all virtues is animated and inspired by charity, which binds everything together in perfect harmony...charity upholds and purifies our human ability to love, and raises it to the supernatural perfection of Divine Love
Charity - the virtue of all virtue..
Today, I went for a run. There's this park near my house that has a really nice trail that I love to run on. Today when I got there, the sheriff department was there with a team doing something on the ice of the pond that's there. I have no idea what they were doing. I never stopped to ask. I just went for my run. But I'm a curious person, so I wondered why they were there and created this ridiculous scenario in my head. I recently heard a talk, given by a couple, and the woman said something about woman's brains taking one thing and running with it.. very far.. and every woman in the room laughed and nodded their heads.. I think the men were stumped by the statement. So the scenario I came up with - I decided they were searching for a body of a person who had gone missing, and they got a tip that someone spotted a person in this pond. So then I decided the person is found.. and they perform CPR bringing this person to life. Then I imagine a news crew there asking me what I thought about this situation and so basically I had a chance to speak my mind, so I began to think about what I would say. I decided that I would say the situation made me sad... whether the person ended up there by murder, or suicide it would make me sad. There is such a lack of love in this world that if this person was committing suicide it would make me sad because that means they felt unnoticed, and unwanted in this world. If it was murder it would make me sad because the person who did it probably had a really hard life, and never knew they were cherished..
So basically, this all boils down to love. If I had one message that I could send out to the world it would be one of love. We all need to make an effort to love each other, to encourage each other. To be selfless, and give of ourselves - to be gifts to those around us. Scripture tells us to love the Lord your God with all your heart, all your soul, all your mind, and all your strength. And love your neighbor as yourself (Lk 10:27).
In Philippians it says: do nothing out of selfishness or vainglory; rather, humbly regard others as more important than yourselves.
That gets me every time - humbly regard others as more important than yourselves. In a world that promotes success, and success measured by money and accomplishment it is mighty hard to put others before yourself.
I'm in nursing school. I chose nursing because of many reasons. I felt called there, I felt peace with that choice, and my dad approved of this education choice... but most of all it was because I knew I wanted to spend my life serving other people, and what better way to do that than as a nurse. My job is to put people before myself, to care for them, to love them...as they are; which is often at their worst..
Through the Catechism, through scripture, through my own experiences I have learned love is the most powerful of all virtues, and I just want to encourage each of us to look to the Lord for love, for he loves us more than our minds can fathom, and to strive to love each person we encounter with all that we have all that we are because all that we have and all that we are is from Christ. It is in him that we find our home.
God bless!
Peace and love in Christ!
Thursday, January 30, 2014
Charity
I recently went to confession and the priest said to pray to grow in the virtue of charity. I had listed all my sins, and they are closely related. Father said that the virtues work as a whole organism, and said something along the lines of charity being the ultimate virtue - with it comes all the other virtues, so we have to allow ourselves to grow in charity. I've been praying for this a lot, and trying to grow here too, looking for opportunities. I had one the other day, and opted out because "I didn't feel like it" but the next moment I had I acted on it, and chose to put away the dishes and clean up the kitchen even though I didn't feel like it, but I knew it was something that my roommates would appreciate, so I did it out of love for them. Now, I don't say this for bragging rights by any means, but I shared it as an example.
The past two days I've had a lot of anxiety. There have just been some tough things lately, kind of the "when it rains it pours" occurrence. So I called up one of my friends today to see if I could come over because I didn't want to be alone. First, I had to admit to myself that I did not want to be alone, that was a toughie - admitting to myself my struggle in the moment. Second, I had to ask.. yikes. But it was great.. as I was driving home after I realized that in asking to grow in charity it goes both ways. There are going to be opportunities where I need to choose to be charitable to others, but there are also going to be opportunities where I am going to have to allow others to be charitable towards me.
You see, a lot of times I try to be super woman (that's punny because my last name is super). I try to do it all on my own. I might attempt relying on Jesus (maybe, if it's a good day). But more often than not I am super woman, do it all, get it all right the first time, etc. So today, today was humbling. I had to allow someone to be charitable towards me, to allow them to love me, and to not try and walk the walk of faith on my own, as much as I might try to, it's not possible.
So I ask you - are you trying to be super woman/man or are you allowing others to be charitable towards you, as you are charitable towards others?
God bless!
Pax in Christi
The past two days I've had a lot of anxiety. There have just been some tough things lately, kind of the "when it rains it pours" occurrence. So I called up one of my friends today to see if I could come over because I didn't want to be alone. First, I had to admit to myself that I did not want to be alone, that was a toughie - admitting to myself my struggle in the moment. Second, I had to ask.. yikes. But it was great.. as I was driving home after I realized that in asking to grow in charity it goes both ways. There are going to be opportunities where I need to choose to be charitable to others, but there are also going to be opportunities where I am going to have to allow others to be charitable towards me.
You see, a lot of times I try to be super woman (that's punny because my last name is super). I try to do it all on my own. I might attempt relying on Jesus (maybe, if it's a good day). But more often than not I am super woman, do it all, get it all right the first time, etc. So today, today was humbling. I had to allow someone to be charitable towards me, to allow them to love me, and to not try and walk the walk of faith on my own, as much as I might try to, it's not possible.
So I ask you - are you trying to be super woman/man or are you allowing others to be charitable towards you, as you are charitable towards others?
God bless!
Pax in Christi
Monday, January 27, 2014
Jesus:Divine Physician
So my parish has their parish mission this week, I haven't been able to go because Sunday night was too cold and the roads were probably still questionable (basically there was simply no leaving of the house), and tonight I had night class. However, the speaker put in the bulletin a brief summary of his talk and the scripture he was using as well. So, I've been using that for my prayer this week, and it has been quite refreshing to my soul. Today used Mark 5:25-34. I decided to read the scripture first and just see where it went, and then reference the summary as a spark for inspiration if needed. However, the Holy Spirit lead me all on my own.
And there was a woman who had had a flow of blood for twelve years, and who had suffered much under many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was no better but rather grew worse. She had heard the reports about Jesus, and came up behind him in the crowd and touched his garment. For she said, “If I touch even his garments, I shall be made well.” And immediately the hemorrhage ceased; and she felt in her body that she was healed of her disease. And Jesus, perceiving in himself that power had gone forth from him, immediately turned about in the crowd, and said, “Who touched my garments?” And his disciples said to him, “You see the crowd pressing around you, and yet you say, ‘Who touched me?’” And he looked around to see who had done it. But the woman, knowing what had been done to her, came in fear and trembling and fell down before him, and told him the whole truth. And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease.”
"Go in peace and be cured of your affliction" (Mk 5:34).
As mentioned in a previous blog found here, I struggle with seasonal depression. It comes in fits and spurs. The exception cold has been causing me to be more isolated than normal because I prefer to stay home where I can stay warm. In addition to having a hard patch this month, I've had a hard time adjusting my prayer life to my new schedule/semester. And to top things off, today there was an explosion of family drama, that ended up being very hurtful to many people. And after talking to my mom about what was going on I actually sat and just cried for a while (which was actually a good thing, to allow my emotions to happen and let them pass rather than push them aside and stew in them). Needless to say, I'd been feeling a little down, but when I read the line above from Mark I was inspired and reminded of a few things that I just want to share.
Jesus does not want us to be miserable. he wants us to have peace, to have joy. He wants to immerse us in his mercy and grace. As I struggled today, Jesus wished to offer me peace. Yes, we must suffer for the salvation of souls. Suffering is an inevitable part of being a Christian. However, we need to suffer with joy. Jesus is the Divine Physician, and he wishes to heal us of our affliction and offer us peace.
We also need to remember our free will. It is our choice to pick faith and peace, healing and joy or to allow the miseries of the world to consume us.
The woman in the Gospel today chose faith, and Jesus rewarded her. He teaches us that by choosing faith we are given peace and opportunity to be healed from affliction. However, one thing to keep in mind is Jesus may not heal us in the way we want or expect to be healed. He will do what is best for us, for the salvation of our souls, and the souls of those we love. So offer yourself to the Lord, offer your suffering to him, simply knowing that he will work and will heal in the way that is most beneficial to us, even when we don't see it in the moment.
I want to close with a quote from The Imitation of Mary: grace is intensified wherever effort is made. Any effort we make to choose faith, to choose Jesus is rewarded with grace. Wherever you are at in your faith journey, offer whatever it is that you can to the Lord to allow him to begin working in your heart and in your life, and you will see a difference that will cause you to continue to return to him.
God bless! Pax in Christi
And there was a woman who had had a flow of blood for twelve years, and who had suffered much under many physicians, and had spent all that she had, and was no better but rather grew worse. She had heard the reports about Jesus, and came up behind him in the crowd and touched his garment. For she said, “If I touch even his garments, I shall be made well.” And immediately the hemorrhage ceased; and she felt in her body that she was healed of her disease. And Jesus, perceiving in himself that power had gone forth from him, immediately turned about in the crowd, and said, “Who touched my garments?” And his disciples said to him, “You see the crowd pressing around you, and yet you say, ‘Who touched me?’” And he looked around to see who had done it. But the woman, knowing what had been done to her, came in fear and trembling and fell down before him, and told him the whole truth. And he said to her, “Daughter, your faith has made you well; go in peace, and be healed of your disease.”
"Go in peace and be cured of your affliction" (Mk 5:34).
As mentioned in a previous blog found here, I struggle with seasonal depression. It comes in fits and spurs. The exception cold has been causing me to be more isolated than normal because I prefer to stay home where I can stay warm. In addition to having a hard patch this month, I've had a hard time adjusting my prayer life to my new schedule/semester. And to top things off, today there was an explosion of family drama, that ended up being very hurtful to many people. And after talking to my mom about what was going on I actually sat and just cried for a while (which was actually a good thing, to allow my emotions to happen and let them pass rather than push them aside and stew in them). Needless to say, I'd been feeling a little down, but when I read the line above from Mark I was inspired and reminded of a few things that I just want to share.
Jesus does not want us to be miserable. he wants us to have peace, to have joy. He wants to immerse us in his mercy and grace. As I struggled today, Jesus wished to offer me peace. Yes, we must suffer for the salvation of souls. Suffering is an inevitable part of being a Christian. However, we need to suffer with joy. Jesus is the Divine Physician, and he wishes to heal us of our affliction and offer us peace.
We also need to remember our free will. It is our choice to pick faith and peace, healing and joy or to allow the miseries of the world to consume us.
The woman in the Gospel today chose faith, and Jesus rewarded her. He teaches us that by choosing faith we are given peace and opportunity to be healed from affliction. However, one thing to keep in mind is Jesus may not heal us in the way we want or expect to be healed. He will do what is best for us, for the salvation of our souls, and the souls of those we love. So offer yourself to the Lord, offer your suffering to him, simply knowing that he will work and will heal in the way that is most beneficial to us, even when we don't see it in the moment.
I want to close with a quote from The Imitation of Mary: grace is intensified wherever effort is made. Any effort we make to choose faith, to choose Jesus is rewarded with grace. Wherever you are at in your faith journey, offer whatever it is that you can to the Lord to allow him to begin working in your heart and in your life, and you will see a difference that will cause you to continue to return to him.
God bless! Pax in Christi
Sunday, January 12, 2014
What Makes you Feel Alive?
This year I am serving on an adult leadership team for a youth group. It has been one of the most rewarding experiences of my year, and of my life.
At the beginning of the year Drew (youth minister) asked us what makes us feel most alive in our faith? It was something I hadn't spent much time thinking about before, but it has been something continually impacting me as the year goes on. I realized that I feel most alive in my faith when I am serving. I came to know who God was through mission trips in high. My best friend at the time invited me to youth group because she didn't know anyone, and she didn't want to go alone. So we went, and we went on a mission trip with the youth group. I had never had much guidance in faith up to this point. There was a while when my family went to a little Methodist church at the end of our street, we went to a Christian preschool for a while, things here and there that at least put God as an idea in my head, but knowledge didn't span far beyond that until I went on this mission trip. I went two years in a row, and after the second one I really experienced an emptiness due to the lack of God's presence in my daily life. I soon made the decision to complete RCIA and become Catholic... and well here I am 4ish years later, knowing that it was the best decision of my life.
Last week was my first week back in school after Christmas break, and tonight we had our first youth group night. Now, over my Christmas break I did basically nothing. I worked a little bit, but nothing compared to what I've worked in the past. I went to mass, and laid around watching netflix, did a little bit of crafting... and that was pretty much the extent of it. In two weeks I watched approximately three seasons of the show Bones. It's actually kind of pitiful to look at what I did over the break... because it was pretty much absolutely nothing... which what I'm getting at.
Earlier in the week I posted a blog about seasonal depression you can read it here. In my nothingness, I got stuck in a place of self-loathing. I was doing nothing outside of myself. I was being completely selfish and justifying it by saying this is the last time for a really long time - like 7 months really long time - that I will be able to do this, so I'm going to take advantage of it... and did I ever... But now, I had a week of school, youth group, etc. I was so excited to go to youth group tonight...because I was finally going to do something for someone other than myself, and that was an awesome feeling.
In prayer the other night I realized the extent of my selfish actions the last month. I realized how I was being consumed my anything and everything other than God - school, work, loneliness, television, pleasure reading, etc. I was not allowing God to consume my heart or be the focus/center for my life. I just kinda set him on the back burner to cool off, and placed myself in the front running. Upon that realization I have been making my prayer for God's love to consume me. I want to be consumed by him. I want to know his love. I want to choose him. I want my life to bring glory to his name. But most of all, I want to feel alive.
I chose nursing because I knew I wanted to spend my life taking care of people, serving other people. Think about the last time you said "man, today was a really good day?" Now, why was that day a good day?
The world tells us success, money, accomplishment, sex, and beauty are going to fulfill us, they are going to satisfy us, make us feel alive. Those notions are wrong. But there is validity to some of them, well all of them really, but I would write a novel if I went into all of those - we're going to focus on success/accomplishment. We tend to feel very alive, or well pleased, or like we're thriving at life when we accomplish a goal or our successful in something. I felt really good about myself when I got a ton of stuff done the other day. But I also felt livened tonight when I was serving my high school youth group. And that's ultimately what I wanted to get at in this blog post.
For the last month we have been on break for youth group. I was on break for school. I didn't work very much. I was pretty much on break from life duties... and I did absolutely nothing, and it was glorious for a while. But soon I got bored and started to feel rather apathetic about life. I wasn't loving it; I didn't feel like I was thriving.. We need to do the things that make us feel alive, fulfilled, satisfied. Jesus ultimately will satisfy us, so I want to leave you with this question: what gifts and talents have you been given, and what allows you to utilize them in such away that you feel alive in life? Essentially, what makes you want to keep living your life? Go out and make it happen! May everything in your life bring glory to God, and may you live a life of joy and love!
At the beginning of the year Drew (youth minister) asked us what makes us feel most alive in our faith? It was something I hadn't spent much time thinking about before, but it has been something continually impacting me as the year goes on. I realized that I feel most alive in my faith when I am serving. I came to know who God was through mission trips in high. My best friend at the time invited me to youth group because she didn't know anyone, and she didn't want to go alone. So we went, and we went on a mission trip with the youth group. I had never had much guidance in faith up to this point. There was a while when my family went to a little Methodist church at the end of our street, we went to a Christian preschool for a while, things here and there that at least put God as an idea in my head, but knowledge didn't span far beyond that until I went on this mission trip. I went two years in a row, and after the second one I really experienced an emptiness due to the lack of God's presence in my daily life. I soon made the decision to complete RCIA and become Catholic... and well here I am 4ish years later, knowing that it was the best decision of my life.
Last week was my first week back in school after Christmas break, and tonight we had our first youth group night. Now, over my Christmas break I did basically nothing. I worked a little bit, but nothing compared to what I've worked in the past. I went to mass, and laid around watching netflix, did a little bit of crafting... and that was pretty much the extent of it. In two weeks I watched approximately three seasons of the show Bones. It's actually kind of pitiful to look at what I did over the break... because it was pretty much absolutely nothing... which what I'm getting at.
Earlier in the week I posted a blog about seasonal depression you can read it here. In my nothingness, I got stuck in a place of self-loathing. I was doing nothing outside of myself. I was being completely selfish and justifying it by saying this is the last time for a really long time - like 7 months really long time - that I will be able to do this, so I'm going to take advantage of it... and did I ever... But now, I had a week of school, youth group, etc. I was so excited to go to youth group tonight...because I was finally going to do something for someone other than myself, and that was an awesome feeling.
In prayer the other night I realized the extent of my selfish actions the last month. I realized how I was being consumed my anything and everything other than God - school, work, loneliness, television, pleasure reading, etc. I was not allowing God to consume my heart or be the focus/center for my life. I just kinda set him on the back burner to cool off, and placed myself in the front running. Upon that realization I have been making my prayer for God's love to consume me. I want to be consumed by him. I want to know his love. I want to choose him. I want my life to bring glory to his name. But most of all, I want to feel alive.
I chose nursing because I knew I wanted to spend my life taking care of people, serving other people. Think about the last time you said "man, today was a really good day?" Now, why was that day a good day?
The world tells us success, money, accomplishment, sex, and beauty are going to fulfill us, they are going to satisfy us, make us feel alive. Those notions are wrong. But there is validity to some of them, well all of them really, but I would write a novel if I went into all of those - we're going to focus on success/accomplishment. We tend to feel very alive, or well pleased, or like we're thriving at life when we accomplish a goal or our successful in something. I felt really good about myself when I got a ton of stuff done the other day. But I also felt livened tonight when I was serving my high school youth group. And that's ultimately what I wanted to get at in this blog post.
For the last month we have been on break for youth group. I was on break for school. I didn't work very much. I was pretty much on break from life duties... and I did absolutely nothing, and it was glorious for a while. But soon I got bored and started to feel rather apathetic about life. I wasn't loving it; I didn't feel like I was thriving.. We need to do the things that make us feel alive, fulfilled, satisfied. Jesus ultimately will satisfy us, so I want to leave you with this question: what gifts and talents have you been given, and what allows you to utilize them in such away that you feel alive in life? Essentially, what makes you want to keep living your life? Go out and make it happen! May everything in your life bring glory to God, and may you live a life of joy and love!
Wednesday, January 8, 2014
Seasonal Depression: It's a Thing..
Seasonal depression: it's a thing... a thing that many people, particularly in the midwest, struggle with. It is something I have struggled with for several years now, and each year I recognize a little more how it effects me. Last year (2013) was a hard year, for a variety of reasons, but during the particular winter season it was challenging because of my headache issues. My life was masked by headaches.
However, this year was quite different. My prayer life had been very consistent and very fruitful. There are plenty of good, healthy, encouraging, supportive female relationships in my life. I am blessed with a job that I love, an opportunity to get an education, and a wonderful, wonderful small group of women to meet with regularly and share life with. Yet, I feel down in the dumps. I catch myself isolating. Going out of the house is absolutely exhausting. Running errands would simply drain me. I notice myself lacking a desire to eat. I just want to lay in the warmth of my bed and spend hours watching netflix.
My desire to isolate, my exhaustion from social encounters, and my lack of desire for food were all major triggers for me.. they were kind of like NEWS FLASH: SEASONAL DEPRESSION... I mean, not exactly, but they were my red flags that something was up. And then today, there was also an anxiety component to it. You see, depression manifests itself in a variety of ways, and I could feel my exhaustion, and my brain was just lost because I hadn't read the chapter before my lecture today (because I didn't know what chapter to read because we didn't have a syllabus yet) and I didn't recognize some of the stuff in the lecture that I felt I should know, so I started to panic and feel anxious.
So seasonal depression, it happens for a variety of reasons, and in order to address you have to know what triggers it and how it manifests itself for you. Like I said, I knew it was here when my red flags came up. And I know now that it's partially triggered by the cold. My body does not respond well to cold. I tense up and thus get my headaches. I enjoy running, but it's really hard to run in snow and in cold temperatures. It's darker more hours of the year, and I often feel trapped inside a house, where there is only so much I can do.
To combat this I do a couple of things. I go to events, and see people. I do social things because I need those interactions, but I might leave early, or come late, or refrain from doing something else earlier in the day. I pray. Pray, pray pray pray pray. Satan does use this as an attack on us, to tempt us to turn from God. He tempts me into dwelling in my loneliness. I often don't want to be with people, but at the same time feel extremely lonely - now talk about contradictory! So pray.. that's what got me started on this whole post anyway. Today, I came home after feeling very anxious from my class, and I knew my prayer had been off for over a month now. I try to keep a gratitude list. Throughout last semester I sought to keep a gratitude list, I tried to write every day in my gratitude journal something that I was grateful for... I wasn't perfect in this obviously, but every couple days I'd sit down and come up with a list of a ton of things that I was thankful for, and write them in my journal. Over my break I really lapsed in my prayer.. well I was praying, but it just wasn't how I normally pray, and I skipped out on my gratitude list (oops)... So today, when I came home I got snack and immediately got out my gratitude journal ( i keep a special notebook for my gratitude list) and started praying and started writing out things I am grateful for from the past month. Almost instantly I started to experience so much peace. There is something so profound about writing down our gratitude list. I kept one in my head, and would often think of the awesome things that happened over break, but it wasn't the same as physically writing it and concretely naming it.
To close this jumbled post I want to quote something from The Imitation of Mary - no one has ever become a saint without vigilance and struggle.
When we are struggling, we are on a good path... we are well on our way towards the narrow path, if not already on it. If we are struggling it means we are recognizing our sins and our temptations and fighting to resist them. We are fighting to live a life of virtue, by the grace of God. Pope Francis is always calling us on to be a people of joy, yet this struggle of seasonal depression directly opposes living a life of joy, it to some extent acts as a spiritual attack, in addition to the physiological and psychological discrepancies.
Therefore, I encourage you to join me in being vigilant in our struggles. Choose joy. Choose gratitude. Eucharisteo. Struggle and fight to live the life of virtue and grace.
God bless.
However, this year was quite different. My prayer life had been very consistent and very fruitful. There are plenty of good, healthy, encouraging, supportive female relationships in my life. I am blessed with a job that I love, an opportunity to get an education, and a wonderful, wonderful small group of women to meet with regularly and share life with. Yet, I feel down in the dumps. I catch myself isolating. Going out of the house is absolutely exhausting. Running errands would simply drain me. I notice myself lacking a desire to eat. I just want to lay in the warmth of my bed and spend hours watching netflix.
My desire to isolate, my exhaustion from social encounters, and my lack of desire for food were all major triggers for me.. they were kind of like NEWS FLASH: SEASONAL DEPRESSION... I mean, not exactly, but they were my red flags that something was up. And then today, there was also an anxiety component to it. You see, depression manifests itself in a variety of ways, and I could feel my exhaustion, and my brain was just lost because I hadn't read the chapter before my lecture today (because I didn't know what chapter to read because we didn't have a syllabus yet) and I didn't recognize some of the stuff in the lecture that I felt I should know, so I started to panic and feel anxious.
So seasonal depression, it happens for a variety of reasons, and in order to address you have to know what triggers it and how it manifests itself for you. Like I said, I knew it was here when my red flags came up. And I know now that it's partially triggered by the cold. My body does not respond well to cold. I tense up and thus get my headaches. I enjoy running, but it's really hard to run in snow and in cold temperatures. It's darker more hours of the year, and I often feel trapped inside a house, where there is only so much I can do.
To combat this I do a couple of things. I go to events, and see people. I do social things because I need those interactions, but I might leave early, or come late, or refrain from doing something else earlier in the day. I pray. Pray, pray pray pray pray. Satan does use this as an attack on us, to tempt us to turn from God. He tempts me into dwelling in my loneliness. I often don't want to be with people, but at the same time feel extremely lonely - now talk about contradictory! So pray.. that's what got me started on this whole post anyway. Today, I came home after feeling very anxious from my class, and I knew my prayer had been off for over a month now. I try to keep a gratitude list. Throughout last semester I sought to keep a gratitude list, I tried to write every day in my gratitude journal something that I was grateful for... I wasn't perfect in this obviously, but every couple days I'd sit down and come up with a list of a ton of things that I was thankful for, and write them in my journal. Over my break I really lapsed in my prayer.. well I was praying, but it just wasn't how I normally pray, and I skipped out on my gratitude list (oops)... So today, when I came home I got snack and immediately got out my gratitude journal ( i keep a special notebook for my gratitude list) and started praying and started writing out things I am grateful for from the past month. Almost instantly I started to experience so much peace. There is something so profound about writing down our gratitude list. I kept one in my head, and would often think of the awesome things that happened over break, but it wasn't the same as physically writing it and concretely naming it.
To close this jumbled post I want to quote something from The Imitation of Mary - no one has ever become a saint without vigilance and struggle.
When we are struggling, we are on a good path... we are well on our way towards the narrow path, if not already on it. If we are struggling it means we are recognizing our sins and our temptations and fighting to resist them. We are fighting to live a life of virtue, by the grace of God. Pope Francis is always calling us on to be a people of joy, yet this struggle of seasonal depression directly opposes living a life of joy, it to some extent acts as a spiritual attack, in addition to the physiological and psychological discrepancies.
Therefore, I encourage you to join me in being vigilant in our struggles. Choose joy. Choose gratitude. Eucharisteo. Struggle and fight to live the life of virtue and grace.
God bless.
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