Vulnerability is Beautiful

Yesterday I had a bit of a rough day. I have a lot going on, made some decisions, took some big steps - and it's hard, but it's good - humble, patient trust as I continue to faithfully say yes to the Lord (as a friend said the other day). But talking about what is going on with certain people is hard.

One of my big steps was the decision to seek counseling services through my university to work through some anxiety issues. Talking about my anxiety is very uncomfortable. My first session was very uncomfortable - I left just feeling exhausted (emotionally). And I was directly asked about my counseling sessions - how they were going, if I thought they were helping (note, I've only had one session). Anyway, as soon as the question was asked I clammed up.. my chest got tight, I panicked, I almost started crying (but I didn't want the other person to know I was crying). And I got off the phone just feeling so distressed, and cried because nobody would know now..

Then I went to the chapel to pray. I still needed to pray my rosary, but first I just journaled and told Jesus how I was feeling and how that conversation was hard - and how this whole counseling thing was a lot more uncomfortable that I thought it would be.. I'm an extrovert, an external processor, and really good at sharing what's going on in my life usually - so the fact that this is hard took me by surprise.

I was vulnerable with the Lord, I didn't hide behind any fluff, I told him just how I was feeling and what I was experiencing, and then prayed my rosary - and through the intercession of Mary, laid these things, these feelings at the foot of the cross, and tried by best to surrender them to Jesus.


I had a meeting, so I headed up to that - and multiple people commented on how I look that evening - that I looked pretty and good - which was funny to me because I definitely didn't feel I physically looked pretty.. I felt a lot of peace, thanks be to the grace of God. And I was later thinking about why people thought I looked beautiful (because I have to analyze everything) - well one thing to note is I have blue eyes - and when I get emotional my eyes are honestly really pretty, so that probably had something to do with it. But the other thing - the bigger thing - is I was vulnerable. I was vulnerable with myself and with the Lord - and by not trying to hide, to put fluff on how I was feeling, to put a mask on the Lord's beauty was shining through me - what a gift!

My other recent encounter with vulnerability was on Friday when my small group met for the first time this semester. One of the girls has a lot going on - and she was vulnerable with us - she told us what was going on, how she was feeling (which I knew because I live with her and I've been watching her hurt herself repeatedly the last few weeks). Later that evening we were hanging out on our couch - snuggled up next to each other online browsing for dresses. And it was such a sweet moment because for the first time in a few weeks we were present to each other, all our guards down, and were able to just love on each other. And that night I was really grateful for vulnerability.

I guess, you could say, what I have been learning the most recently is that there is no point in putting on a face, in putting on a mask - that it is best to just 'be real' or be honest with people when they ask how you're doing. If you don't let people know you're struggling, how are you going to get the support you need to overcome/work through the struggle?

Bear your soul to someone, let them in, let them see you're broken. It is in vulnerability that our soul receives healing. 

The Lord is Faithful

Lately, it seems that every day in my prayer the Lord is letting me know He is faithful and he has a perfect plan with perfect timing. And, as I struggle to trust Him and relinquish control to Him, He continues to meet me with mercy and give me little gifts that let me know he is near and he is working. 

The other night I was in adoration, and lamentations 3 came to me, so I started reading and I also came upon some of the psalms and I want to share with you a little of what the Lord has been speaking to me - and letting me know the promises He has made to be faithful. 

The LORD’s acts of mercy are not exhausted, his compassion is not spent;

They are renewed each morning—great is your faithfulness!

The LORD is my portion, I tell myself, therefore I will hope in him.

The LORD is good to those who trust in him, to the one that seeks him;

It is good to hope in silence for the LORD’s deliverance. Lam. 3:22-26

Blessed be the LORD, my rock, who trains my hands for battle, my fingers for war; My safeguard and my fortress, my stronghold, my deliverer, My shield, in whom I take refuge, who subdues peoples under me. LORD, what is man that you take notice of him; the son of man, that you think of him? Man is but a breath,

his days are like a passing shadow. Ps. 144:1-4

I will extol you, my God and king; I will bless your name forever and ever. Every day I will bless you; I will praise your name forever and ever. Great is the LORD and worthy of much praise, whose grandeur is beyond understanding. One generation praises your deeds to the next and proclaims your mighty works. They speak of the splendor of your majestic glory, tell of your wonderful deeds. They speak of the power of your awesome acts and recount your great deeds. They celebrate your abounding goodness and joyfully sing of your justice. The LORD is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in mercy. The LORD is good to all, compassionate toward all your works. All your works give you thanks, LORD and your faithful bless you. They speak of the glory of your reign and tell of your mighty works, Making known to the sons of men your mighty acts, the majestic glory of your rule. Your reign is a reign for all ages, your dominion for all generations. The LORD is trustworthy in all his words, and loving in all his works. The LORD supports all who are falling and raises up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look hopefully to you; you give them their food in due season. You open wide your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing. The LORD is just in all his ways, merciful in all his works. The LORD is near to all who call upon him, to all who call upon him in truth. He fulfills the desire of those who fear him; he hears their cry and saves them. The LORD watches over all who love him, but all the wicked he destroys. My mouth will speak the praises of the LORD; all flesh will bless his holy name forever and ever. (Ps 145) 

The Lord makes so many promises to us. He loves us so well. He provides for our every

need. Last weekend I was a leader for a women's day retreat (women's getaway) and one of my tasks was food for the day. I had planned to make dinner when we got there because I thought there was a full kitchen. We walk in and the first thing out of our mouths after finding the light switch was "where's the stove". We were having sweet potato black bean chili, and I needed a stove to make it. However, the beauty of soup is it can almost always be made in a crock pot. The thing was, most of the rest of the girls were on their way already (5 of us got there before everyone else to set up and decorate the facility). So we frantically start calling women who would be able to get us a crock pot. We get catch them just in time. They had already left, but weren't on the freeway yet, praise the Lord! So they were able to turn around and bring us 3 crock pots. Perfect. God provided crock pots and we were able to have a delicious dinner! Praise the Lord for He is faithful.. This may seem like a small thing, but we have to learn to see the Lord's faithfulness in small things so we can trust him in big things. 

Worthy of Love - Part 1

Over the last oh I don't know year or so - I've been learning about love - what it means to love and be loved. This has just been what the Lord has been teaching me about. This past weekend I gave a talk on how we're made worthy of love to about 50 women on OSU's campus. Preparing for this talk was quite the journey, due to my recent life events, but it was so good. I want to share some of what I've learned recently about love - what it means to love, to be loved, to be worthy of love. It's going to be a series, I don't know how many posts I will have or how long it will take - but in a country whose greatest poverty is love I think it's an important topic to be addressed.

This current journey with love goes back probably to July when I served as a camp counselor for middle schoolers and my mission for the week (given by the directors of counselors) was to love my campers better - and take my frustrations to Mary. That week of camp was my first time ever working with middle schoolers, and it was great but challenging in ways I didn't expect. I remember being surprised when I opened my box that held my mission for the week. 'what do you mean I'm not loving well, that's a way that so many people honor me....' So thus started a journey with love.

As I began preparing for the talk I gave this weekend I started with just praying about love. I don't know where I have no idea where this quote came from - probably from a daily reflection - but it sparked quite the inspiration.

The more we come into contact with God's love for us, the more we will be able to love everyone else - even when we don't feel like it. 

After reading this quote, I knew there was something more the Lord wanted to teach me about love. So I started reflecting on what is love.

Love is the cross. Love is sacrifice. Love is laying your life down for the life of another. Love is desiring the other's good, their best interest.

Love comes as a listening ear. Love comes as a kind hug. Love comes as a gentle touch. Love comes as a smile. Love comes as kind words. Love comes as a beautiful sunset, sunrise, sky. Love comes as beauty. Love comes as strength.

Love comes through gratitude. Love comes through humility.Love comes through gentleness. Love comes through kindness. Love comes through prudence and discipline.

Jesus Christ is the perfect example of love. The Holy Trinity loves me perfectly, and you too. Because of their love I can be confident and courageous. I should be striving always to grow in the perfection of love - in the way I love and in the way I receive love.


When I was praying through some of this I remember I had been feeling overwhelmed by the number of people who wanted to pour love on me.. and I didn't want to accept it because I didn't feel worthy of receiving the love offered to me.

Stay tuned for what comes next!