Well, there a six minutes left of Holy Thursday, as I sit to write this post. Tonight I went to mass where I normally wouldn't go because we went as a house, to build community together, and it was one of the best experiences I have ever had. On Holy Thursday, when you attend mass, twelve people have their feet washed by the priest, to signify Jesus washing the disciple's feet. Today, the priest washed the feet of the twelve, and then proceeded to wash the feet of those around them and each person had their feet washed by someone, and washed someone else's feet. It was an amazing experience to wash the feet of my housemate and have my feet washed by a different housemate. It truly signified how we serve one another.
Will you let me be your servant, let me be as Christ to you?
Pray that I might have the grace to let you be my servant, too.
(Lyrics from one of the hymns we sang during the washing of the feet)
These words really struck me tonight. Will you let me be your servant, let me be Christ to you. In the Gospel today Peter did not want Jesus to wash his feet. He probably did not feel worthy to receive this gift of service from the man who would be the Savior. I would not have wanted Jesus to wash my feet either - but tonight he did, through my sister, but really it was Jesus washing my feet. How beautiful, to allow others to serve us.
In the past week, much weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I found a job in a hospital, and got hired, I found out I'm nearly finished with my physical therapy treatment for my headaches, and have been lifted from the suffering I was enduring in the form of headaches. It seemed as if Christ was giving me an Easter joy before it was due - and only in the final days of lent. But then I realized, I can only have this joy because of the price that Christ paid - because of his suffering and death on the cross, am I able to experience the joy of the resurrection. Only because Jesus loved me - He paid the price I could not pay because my sin was so great, because He loved me, and wants to be with me. He gave me a taste of the joy of Easter just before the annual remembrance of the Passion so that my eyes may be opened to see why He endured the suffering He did - to be able to give me this joy.
Our God is a god of love, of mercy, of goodness, and of kindness. He came not just to be served, but to serve - to offer his life, and his love as sacrifice for us, so that we may be able to enter into the eternal kingdom. Praise him.
Friday, March 29, 2013
Friday, March 8, 2013
Love Part 3: Desire for Love
"I just want to love and be loved in return"
I so often find myself thinking this, and saying it. I just want to feel loved, and ultimately in the desire to receive love we also desire to give love. This week I have been feeling particulars lonely, so I started thinking about this and then it flooded over into my prayer as well.
I ended up pulling out the catechism as I continued to think on this. You see, this week I realized how it is a challenge for me to accept that people love me. It is a challenge for me to believe that I am capable of being loved. In doubting and questioning this love, I am doubting and questioning God's ability to love me. I told one of my friends this and she began to tell me how I am God's beloved, his little girl. Then Thursday night I was at an ever where we had talks from seminarians about being sons and daughters of God. Again, I was struck and it was clear God was trying to reveal to me how I am his beloved daughter. He was revealing to me how pride, how sin, how lies were beginning to put distance between me and him.
All week a part of the catechism has been coming to mind, so now I'm going to share it with you -
27 The desire for God is written in the human heart, because man is created by God and for God; and God never ceases to draw man to himself. Only in God will he find the truth and happiness he never stops searching for:
The dignity of man rests above all on the fact that he is called to communion with God. This invitation to converse with God is addressed to man as soon as he comes into being. For if man exists it is because God has created him through love, and through love continues to hold him in existence. He cannot live fully according to truth unless he freely acknowledges that love and entrusts himself to his creator.
While looking for the section above I discovered this as well - 1 God, infinitely perfect and blessed in himself, in a plan of sheer goodness freely created man to make him share in his own blessed life. For this reason, at every time and in every place, God draws close to man. He calls man to seek him, to know him, to love him with all his strength.
So God, in his goodness created us to love and be loved. He created us for love, in love, through love. It is the ultimate source of our existence. We must hold onto this truth, and live it out - knowing and trusting in God's infinitely perfect plan, and knowing that he has destined for love. Of course we are going to have days, and even weeks when we feel lonely that is a challenge we are being given, a challenge to continue seeking the Lord even when it may be hard, even when we may not want to - know that it is how God made you - and know that it is The Lord who will satisfy that desire you have to love and be loved. We are Christ's beloved children, and we must hold onto this truth in all circumstances.
I so often find myself thinking this, and saying it. I just want to feel loved, and ultimately in the desire to receive love we also desire to give love. This week I have been feeling particulars lonely, so I started thinking about this and then it flooded over into my prayer as well.
I ended up pulling out the catechism as I continued to think on this. You see, this week I realized how it is a challenge for me to accept that people love me. It is a challenge for me to believe that I am capable of being loved. In doubting and questioning this love, I am doubting and questioning God's ability to love me. I told one of my friends this and she began to tell me how I am God's beloved, his little girl. Then Thursday night I was at an ever where we had talks from seminarians about being sons and daughters of God. Again, I was struck and it was clear God was trying to reveal to me how I am his beloved daughter. He was revealing to me how pride, how sin, how lies were beginning to put distance between me and him.
All week a part of the catechism has been coming to mind, so now I'm going to share it with you -
27 The desire for God is written in the human heart, because man is created by God and for God; and God never ceases to draw man to himself. Only in God will he find the truth and happiness he never stops searching for:
The dignity of man rests above all on the fact that he is called to communion with God. This invitation to converse with God is addressed to man as soon as he comes into being. For if man exists it is because God has created him through love, and through love continues to hold him in existence. He cannot live fully according to truth unless he freely acknowledges that love and entrusts himself to his creator.
While looking for the section above I discovered this as well - 1 God, infinitely perfect and blessed in himself, in a plan of sheer goodness freely created man to make him share in his own blessed life. For this reason, at every time and in every place, God draws close to man. He calls man to seek him, to know him, to love him with all his strength.
So God, in his goodness created us to love and be loved. He created us for love, in love, through love. It is the ultimate source of our existence. We must hold onto this truth, and live it out - knowing and trusting in God's infinitely perfect plan, and knowing that he has destined for love. Of course we are going to have days, and even weeks when we feel lonely that is a challenge we are being given, a challenge to continue seeking the Lord even when it may be hard, even when we may not want to - know that it is how God made you - and know that it is The Lord who will satisfy that desire you have to love and be loved. We are Christ's beloved children, and we must hold onto this truth in all circumstances.
Monday, March 4, 2013
Love Part 2: Doubt
On the way to mass today I was reflecting on why I am having -- always have, a hard time accepting that I am not a burden to those around me and I don't bother them. In this reflection I came to realize that I believe I am unlovable - incapable of being loved. I doubt God can possibly love me; therefore, I of course doubt that others can love me.
I entered the church, to pray before mass, with these thoughts on my heart. I started praying the stations of the cross, as I have been every day for lent, and the third station stopped me today.
The third station of the cross: Jesus falls the first time.
"Lord Jesus, the weight of the cross made you fall to the ground. The weight our sin, the weight of our pride brought you down." (Prayer from the 3rd station)
Yes, the cross was heavy, but it was not the weight of the cross alone. The cross is composed of my sin, my doubt, my despair, my failures. It was my doubt in Jesus' ability to love me that I caused him to fall my doubt that he did this - died on the cross - simply because he loved me. He took on all this suffering so that I may one day have eternal life.
In my journey with love so far this lent, I have seen there is a need to grow in love of myself, love of God, and love of others. Something I really struggle with is accepting love from others. I have this friend who continues to love me, and put up with rants and antics, and I'm constantly asking them why do you care? Why do you put up with me? Am I burden to you? Don't you find me annoying?
I'm doubting that they love me, that they are capable of caring for me. I do this with all the people in my life, but with some people it's more prominent because I feel like they shouldn't care for me or love me. I do this with Jesus, as I stated earlier, and because I do this - my relationship with Jesus and with others is not what it could be.
Then again, we must remember that none of us are perfect, and this, I'm sure, will continue to be a challenge of mine throughout my life. However, there is hope - as we struggle, and as we doubt the love God, and others, has for us. There is hope in that Jesus not only died, but he resurrected. He rose from the empty, and ascended to heaven. He won the victory, we must simply seek out our Lord, and he will give us the grace to begin to accept the love he wishes to give us.
"As the deer longs for streams of living water, so my soul thirsts for you, O God. My being thirsts for God the living God.." Psalm 42:2-3
"Look at His adorable face.
Look at His glazed and sunken eyes.
Look at His wounds.
Look Jesus in the Face.
There, you will see how He loves us."
-St. Therese of Lisieux
Look at His glazed and sunken eyes.
Look at His wounds.
Look Jesus in the Face.
There, you will see how He loves us."
-St. Therese of Lisieux
Monday, February 25, 2013
Love Part 1
For the past six weeks God has been revealing much to me about love. It has been an overwhelming theme in my prayer, in my day to day life (thus we are going to have a little series on what God has been teaching me on love). It all started when my heart was broken by a friend, but the goodness of God has overwhelmed me. He is the one satisfaction of my soul.
My heart was broken, in order for me to further grow in love, and to learn more about the love God has for me. In this time hurt that I had to experience, I questioned my own worth. I found myself asking why I wasn't I good enough, what made me unworthy, etc? These questions; however, were not from me nor from God, but the attack on my own dignity, my own worth, and the one in whom my worth and dignity rests.
One night I was really struggling with this and I wrote out my feelings in my journal, and then I cried in my room for a while, and then I decided it would be best for me to not hide away, but seek out someone who loves me and who can uplift. Therefore, I sought out my sisters. When they saw I was upset, they already knew what it was about, and asked if I wanted to talk. I told them no, I just wanted to be with someone, so I rested my head on my sister's leg while she worked and eventually I told them what was going on and how I was feeling and questioning my own worth, and the other girl who was up there started to read to me from Prov. 31:10
"Who can find a woman of worth? Far beyond jewels is her value. Her husband trusts her judgement; he does not lack income. She brings good and not evil all the days of her life. She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs at the days to come. She opens her mouth in wisdom, and on her tongue is kindly counsel. Many are the women of proven worth, but you have extolled them all. Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting; the woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. "
Our dignity, our worth, our satisfaction - it all rests in the Lord. Our Father in heaven is watching over us, protecting us, guiding us, leading us on a path well marked out for us. He knows when we sit and when we stand (Ps. 139). In order to know the depth of God's love for us we must be broken, so that we can seek him more fully - seek him to satisfy the hunger and thirst of our souls.
My heart was broken, in order for me to further grow in love, and to learn more about the love God has for me. In this time hurt that I had to experience, I questioned my own worth. I found myself asking why I wasn't I good enough, what made me unworthy, etc? These questions; however, were not from me nor from God, but the attack on my own dignity, my own worth, and the one in whom my worth and dignity rests.
One night I was really struggling with this and I wrote out my feelings in my journal, and then I cried in my room for a while, and then I decided it would be best for me to not hide away, but seek out someone who loves me and who can uplift. Therefore, I sought out my sisters. When they saw I was upset, they already knew what it was about, and asked if I wanted to talk. I told them no, I just wanted to be with someone, so I rested my head on my sister's leg while she worked and eventually I told them what was going on and how I was feeling and questioning my own worth, and the other girl who was up there started to read to me from Prov. 31:10
"Who can find a woman of worth? Far beyond jewels is her value. Her husband trusts her judgement; he does not lack income. She brings good and not evil all the days of her life. She is clothed with strength and dignity, and she laughs at the days to come. She opens her mouth in wisdom, and on her tongue is kindly counsel. Many are the women of proven worth, but you have extolled them all. Charm is deceptive and beauty fleeting; the woman who fears the Lord is to be praised. "
Our dignity, our worth, our satisfaction - it all rests in the Lord. Our Father in heaven is watching over us, protecting us, guiding us, leading us on a path well marked out for us. He knows when we sit and when we stand (Ps. 139). In order to know the depth of God's love for us we must be broken, so that we can seek him more fully - seek him to satisfy the hunger and thirst of our souls.
Monday Memo
"Keep your heart very wide to receive in it all sorts of crosses and resignations or abnegations, for the love of Him who has received so many of them for us."
-St. Francis de Sales
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Love, True Love
Love has been on my heart, on my mind, and in my prayer lately.
Today it was cold, blustery, snowy, and after attending 7 am mass this morning I made a decision that I wasn't going to leave the house for the rest of the day...because that just sounded like a terrible idea. So I took up residence on the couch - took my prayer time, applied to jobs, did some reading, and scrolled pinterest for a while. Then I started self-loathing. Woe is me, blah blah blah...crap.
Basically, there was this boy...and I fell for him. He told me all sorts of things that would make a girl think she meant something more to him...and then he started dating someone else. At first I was bitter and angry, then I decided I just needed to forgive him and move on, but now a part of me is like I just miss his friendship. Anyway, so I was thinking about this and sort of dwelling on it. And this thought came to mind: when we really love someone we desire their holiness more than anything else. If we truly love someone, or truly desire something - we should want the best possible life for that person, and we should be willing to let go of our own desire, our own want and truly surrender it to God. I was reading another blog this morning and the author was talking about a time of discernment for her. She was dating a guy, but at the same time feeling a call to religious life, but she had been dating this man for some time. Eventually in her prayer, she came to a point where she desired his holiness more than her desire to be in a relationship with this man. She was ready to step away from the relationship, if that were the will of God, willing to let go of what she desired, willing to let go of what she wanted because she wanted her life be totally the Lord's. She is now married to this man. But the point is that she was in love with the Lord, so much that she was willing to set aside her own wants and desires to fulfill the will of God.
So I was thinking about all of this and a quote from somewhere came to mind so I used my good friend google, I didn't find exactly what I was looking for... well I'm still looking for it, turns our encyclicals are really long! But I came across this quote "All people feel the interior impulse to love authentically: love and truth never abandon them completely, because these are the vocation planted by God in the heart and mind of every human person." Pope Benedict XVI Caritas in veritate
Our vocation is to love. Within every person there is a desire to love and be loved in return, authentically. This is the vocation of the human person: to love. It simply manifests itself in different ways and this is how we have the various different vocations and walks of life. Each of us is made uniquely different, to love and be loved in a particular and unique way. Praise God.
So jump back to the boy that has caused turmoil in my life. As much as I still want this person in my life, and for some reason unknown to me, desire to be friends with him, to love him as the son of God that he is, despite what I may want - I should desire his holiness and growth more than a relationship with him - for that is true love - to desire their growth in holiness, in the perfection of charity more than anything else.
Love, true love, is being immersed in the love of God and more than anything, desiring the person to grow in holiness, to grow closer to God, to grow in the perfection of charity. Love, true love, is being so immersed in the love of God that He completes you, and satisfies your every need. You need nothing else, other than the love of God - and the people in your life simply help to draw you closer to Christ.
Today it was cold, blustery, snowy, and after attending 7 am mass this morning I made a decision that I wasn't going to leave the house for the rest of the day...because that just sounded like a terrible idea. So I took up residence on the couch - took my prayer time, applied to jobs, did some reading, and scrolled pinterest for a while. Then I started self-loathing. Woe is me, blah blah blah...crap.
Basically, there was this boy...and I fell for him. He told me all sorts of things that would make a girl think she meant something more to him...and then he started dating someone else. At first I was bitter and angry, then I decided I just needed to forgive him and move on, but now a part of me is like I just miss his friendship. Anyway, so I was thinking about this and sort of dwelling on it. And this thought came to mind: when we really love someone we desire their holiness more than anything else. If we truly love someone, or truly desire something - we should want the best possible life for that person, and we should be willing to let go of our own desire, our own want and truly surrender it to God. I was reading another blog this morning and the author was talking about a time of discernment for her. She was dating a guy, but at the same time feeling a call to religious life, but she had been dating this man for some time. Eventually in her prayer, she came to a point where she desired his holiness more than her desire to be in a relationship with this man. She was ready to step away from the relationship, if that were the will of God, willing to let go of what she desired, willing to let go of what she wanted because she wanted her life be totally the Lord's. She is now married to this man. But the point is that she was in love with the Lord, so much that she was willing to set aside her own wants and desires to fulfill the will of God.
So I was thinking about all of this and a quote from somewhere came to mind so I used my good friend google, I didn't find exactly what I was looking for... well I'm still looking for it, turns our encyclicals are really long! But I came across this quote "All people feel the interior impulse to love authentically: love and truth never abandon them completely, because these are the vocation planted by God in the heart and mind of every human person." Pope Benedict XVI Caritas in veritate
Our vocation is to love. Within every person there is a desire to love and be loved in return, authentically. This is the vocation of the human person: to love. It simply manifests itself in different ways and this is how we have the various different vocations and walks of life. Each of us is made uniquely different, to love and be loved in a particular and unique way. Praise God.
So jump back to the boy that has caused turmoil in my life. As much as I still want this person in my life, and for some reason unknown to me, desire to be friends with him, to love him as the son of God that he is, despite what I may want - I should desire his holiness and growth more than a relationship with him - for that is true love - to desire their growth in holiness, in the perfection of charity more than anything else.
Love, true love, is being immersed in the love of God and more than anything, desiring the person to grow in holiness, to grow closer to God, to grow in the perfection of charity. Love, true love, is being so immersed in the love of God that He completes you, and satisfies your every need. You need nothing else, other than the love of God - and the people in your life simply help to draw you closer to Christ.
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
O Lent
I remember my first lent, 4 years ago. I was a sophomore in high school, and I had just made the decision to go through RCIA and enter the Catholic Church (best decision of my life)... I literally made this decision within a month of the start of lent, and my boyfriend at the time, told me I should do something for lent since I was going to have to do the next year anyway, and I was terrified. I didn't want to sacrifice. I didn't want to give anything up. I didn't want to make myself less comfortable. I don't remember if I even did anything, but I do remember being very distraught by the idea of self-mortification.
Fast forward 4 years - I had a conversation last week with one of my housemates about how excited I was for lent. There has been a lot of spiritual attack in our community, in our house. There have been a lot of trials in the lives of those around me, and in my own life. Lent is such a grace filled period, where we are truly given an opportunity to grow closer to Christ. We should look forward to this time in the Church because it is an opportunity for us to draw closer to God, to receive healing, to unite our wounds to his.
In the last few years I've learned the beauty of lent. I've seen the grace that fills this time of year. It is a time where we are reminded of the deep, intimate, personal love Christ has for us. It is a time where we can make a sacrifice out of love for our God, in order to grow closer to him, in order to seek him more fully. It is also a time of healing. During this season in the Church we reflect on the suffering Christ endured for us, and in this world we, as his disciples experience much suffering, and it is a time where we receive grace and healing by uniting our wounds to his.
This lent, I am going to pray the Stations of the Cross everyday before mass, because I am already blessed enough to be able to attend daily mass, and receive our Savior daily. I'm also doing a few other things, including not watching television alone, if it's done socially, it's okay, but even still encouraging game playing instead. I'm going to limit my social media use, particularly on my phone, and use it only for the purpose of building up the Kingdom of God. Those are just a few ways that I'm going to make changes in my life, to help draw me closer to our Lord.
Some other things I've heard of (in case you still haven't decided even though it's Ash Wednesday): only wearing 7 outfits, I've also heard of just having 2 outfits to alternate between, not looking in a mirror, not wearing make up, not wearing nail polish, pulling your hair back everyday, giving up your bed and sleeping on the floor, completely giving up social media (this is a big one these days!), praying the rosary daily, attend daily mass, more frequent adoration, not taking naps, giving up coffee, giving up meat.
Basically - if there's something you're really attached to, giving it up, as a sacrifice, as a way to draw closer to Christ and rely more fully on Him, rather than on things of this world.
Fast forward 4 years - I had a conversation last week with one of my housemates about how excited I was for lent. There has been a lot of spiritual attack in our community, in our house. There have been a lot of trials in the lives of those around me, and in my own life. Lent is such a grace filled period, where we are truly given an opportunity to grow closer to Christ. We should look forward to this time in the Church because it is an opportunity for us to draw closer to God, to receive healing, to unite our wounds to his.
In the last few years I've learned the beauty of lent. I've seen the grace that fills this time of year. It is a time where we are reminded of the deep, intimate, personal love Christ has for us. It is a time where we can make a sacrifice out of love for our God, in order to grow closer to him, in order to seek him more fully. It is also a time of healing. During this season in the Church we reflect on the suffering Christ endured for us, and in this world we, as his disciples experience much suffering, and it is a time where we receive grace and healing by uniting our wounds to his.
This lent, I am going to pray the Stations of the Cross everyday before mass, because I am already blessed enough to be able to attend daily mass, and receive our Savior daily. I'm also doing a few other things, including not watching television alone, if it's done socially, it's okay, but even still encouraging game playing instead. I'm going to limit my social media use, particularly on my phone, and use it only for the purpose of building up the Kingdom of God. Those are just a few ways that I'm going to make changes in my life, to help draw me closer to our Lord.
Some other things I've heard of (in case you still haven't decided even though it's Ash Wednesday): only wearing 7 outfits, I've also heard of just having 2 outfits to alternate between, not looking in a mirror, not wearing make up, not wearing nail polish, pulling your hair back everyday, giving up your bed and sleeping on the floor, completely giving up social media (this is a big one these days!), praying the rosary daily, attend daily mass, more frequent adoration, not taking naps, giving up coffee, giving up meat.
Basically - if there's something you're really attached to, giving it up, as a sacrifice, as a way to draw closer to Christ and rely more fully on Him, rather than on things of this world.
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