Lose Yourself in the Service of Others

Life is hard, but the Lord is good -- is better.

One time, scrolling through pinterest I found this image (left) with the quote and fell in love because it reminded me exactly why I decided as a junior in high school that I wanted to go to nursing school. I've been spending a lot of time dwelling with this quote lately.

I'm a 5th year senior. All of my friends I met as a freshman, and came into the Catholic community I'm a part graduated in May, and most of my closest friends have left - the city, the state, or the country - and it's actually really hard. It hard because the people I started journeying through college with have moved to the next state of life, and I feel stuck, still being a student, still going to school. Thankfully I became really good friends with the women a year younger than me, and that has been one of the greatest blessings in this time.

I'm currently repeating a class I took last year, but didn't have a high enough test average because life happens and it happens all at once. And because anxiety is tough beast to wrestle. And it's hard. It's hard to sit through lecture when the powerpoints, the professor, and the stories from the professor are all the same. I thought I would at least like repeating the clinical portion of the class, but that was also really hard. It was really hard because when I think of clinical I now think of my time at the James Cancer Hospital.

 A year ago, I was leaning towards specializing in neonatal intensive care nursing. Today, I sit here longing for the day I can go back to the James, or at least work with adult oncology patients. I realized how much I like interacting with my patients - talking to them, but more than that -- preserving their dignity, treating them like the human beings they are. At the James I cared for patients who were actively dying. Caring for someone actively dying is probably one of the hardest things nurses do.

Let me tell you a story about the patient who changed my perspective. This patient had a dressing change that was really uncomfortable and I was sharing her care with one of my classmates. He was doing the actual dressing change, but I was there and I talked to my patient and distracted them from this very uncomfortable task. At the end, the look of surprise on their face that was it was already over was reward enough. Later in the day, this patient got extremely confused and anxious and I was able to calm them down because earlier in the day when I was talking with them I held eye contact, and they remembered me, knew they were safe - but more than that, they thanked me! A patient, thanked me, a student who was rather insecure being in the hospital, for caring for them. I could see, I experienced the difference a single person can make in the life of another by loving them. And the thing is, on mother infant and labor and delivery units you don't get these patients. You see the gift of new life, which is beautiful, and a true miracle, a true gift from God, but it's not the patient population I have been given a heart for. So school is hard, but the Lord is greater than school. And I know good will come out of this time I spend seeing new life.

But the Lord is good - Each day, I remind myself of this truth - that the Lord is good. Life has been hard lately, but I don't often notice that I'm in  rough patch, only when people ask how I am, or how school is. I am convinced I don't notice these things because the Lord is pouring an abundance of His grace upon me, upon this city of Columbus, upon his people here. Because even though it's hard, I am still joyful, I still know I am loved, I still have a zeal for the mission of the Kingdom of God - the mission to be a beacon of light and hope in this world of darkness.

We have a Father who loves us deeply, and intimately. We have a Father who keeps His promise to never leave or forsake us. We have a Father who ceaselessly lavishes us in His love - he literally wastes His love on us because He cares for us that much. So I may be wishing I was in a different state of life, I may be wishing things were different, I may be wishing I was taking classes that I loved and wishing I loved what I was learning as much as I did last year, but all of this is nothing because the Lord has something so much better in store for us than what we plan for ourselves. For these things too shall pass.

Through the ups & downs, through the good times & bad may we remember that this too shall pass. May we recall the Father who loves us without ceasing. May we seek to know who we are as children of God in serving our God and laying down our lives for the building up of His Kingdom.

Bind my Wandering Heart to Thee

I don't know about you, but this summer has been rough. and much harder than I ever anticipated. I went into the summer so excited that so many of my friends were staying on campus for the summer and so many things were going to be happening! Now, don't get me wrong, it has been absolutely wonderful! Being an extrovert, I NEED people. However, prayer was hard. Being in two weddings for two of my best friends, back to back was hard. Seeing to of my other best friends get engaged was hard - and seemed to only magnify the fact that I am single and exacerbate my desires for marriage. But the Lord is good and merciful!

June proved to be the hardest month for my prayer life. I often spent my prayer time whining to God, complaining, being mad, and desperately grasping for control in this area of my life (that is my desire for relationship). It got to a point one day where I was ready to be done - done fighting, done trying and just so frustrated.... and I decided to pray my rosary, as I had started doing every day while putting the baby I care for as a summer job down for his nap. I prayed this rosary in a spirit of surrender in a mindset of 'God, I want to give up, so this is all I've got to give you' and I asked Mary to help me, to bring me back, to help me stop feeling this way. She answered my prayer one-hundred percent and then some.

After I finished my rosary I decided to read the daily readings (just kind of a habit of mine) and the first reading was from Genesis where Jacob wrestles with God. This reading reminded me of something from the beginning of the summer where it came about that the Lord wanted us to wrestle with our desires this summer. Shooooot - well, I did some wrestling then, but when it stopped the Lord has been nothing but good to me (not that he has ever been anything other than good to me!).

After I had this realization I texted one of my sisters to process with her what the Lord was doing and how he was working. And her response was the title of this post - bind my wandering heart to Thee, O Lord. So often our hearts wander to everything other than God to be satisfied. I was convinced I would be satisfied only with a relationship. I desire these things, but rather than surrendering these desires to the Lord, I was hoarding them for myself.

That same day I was scrolling through facebook and stumbled upon this quote It is well to choose some one good devotion, and to stick to it, and never to abandon it. -St. Philip Neri 
Which was perfect because ever since I first started trying to pray I have been praying the rosary! How good the Lord is to us! All the pieces started to fall into place, and since that day I have been working to keep up a daily rosary, continuing to ask the Blessed Mother's intercession and giving her my desire for my vocation. There will be more to come on what the Lord has been doing with my prayer.

Stick to those devotions that first brought you to the Lord. Know the Lord is trustworthy and has a perfect plan for your life. Never cease to seek Him, and remember to continually surrender your desires, hopes, and dreams to him.

Take Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all that I have and possess. Thou hast given all to me. To Thee, O lord, I return it. All is Thine, dispose of it wholly according to Thy will. Give me Thy love and thy grace, for this is sufficient for me.

Ignatius Loyola

God Knows Everything

I don't know about you, but the last week has been rough on my heart. I know I recently wrote a rather popular post on embracing singleness, which I stand by, but I'm just trying to be real with y'all - the last week or so has been rough, in regards to my singleness. I think it's due to what one of my professors would call spring fever. 

Spring does things to us, it makes us come alive. The whole world is filled with new life as flowers bloom and leaves grow, greenery returns, wedding season approaches and new dating relationships come to fruition, proposals occur, people graduate... and sometimes our heart strings are tugged - as excited as we may be for our peers. I know this has been my experience - people ask me what's new, how's life and I'm just plugging along. I just finished what is said to be the hardest year of nursing school. I am overwhelmed by the number of women I have in my life to call sister. But aside from that, there's nothing new - no new relationships, I have job lined up for the summer so that's nice. I have some goals for the summer, which is good. But life is just steady, constant, plugging along, nothing new to report. Which, is kind of nice. However, it would be nice to have a relationship to report because in my plan for my life I would be in a relationship currently, or very soon... but I don't know what the Lord has in store in regards to that aspect of my life. I have confidence that he has a plan for that area of my life, I just don't know what the plan is and I'm not particularly fond of not being in control of situations. 

Anywho, I was taking some of these thoughts and feelings to prayer this week. Seeking to surrender the desires of my heart to the Lord. But also asking him to let me know He is near. Which he did, more than I could possibly have dreamed. The Lord has spoken this to me through a dear sister, just in the way He made His presence known in her day, and the way she shared that joy with me. In the community of brothers and sisters he has given me and the love and respect we all have for one another. In my personal prayer and the way he has been speaking to me in his word. In the readings today at mass - for God is greater than our hearts and knows everything. 1 Jn 3:20. Where he reminded me that he knows everything and I have no need to worry about anything. But most of all in the way He loved me  - because he knows the song of my heart - through the beautiful sunset, a bright moon, seeing the stars, a relaxing & quiet evening... 

Though we doubt and fail him daily, our God is a god who knows us and who loves us! He knows what we need before we ask Him. He provides for our every need. 

Whether you're on cloud 9, down in the dumps, or chugging along know that you are not alone and you have a Father in heaven who loves you more than you could possibly imagine. He is watching over you and seeing to your every need. And there are men and women all over the earth in a similar spot to where you currently rest. Take hope that you are not alone! Praise the God who knows the number of hairs on our head, for he formed us in our mother's womb. 

Scars Shape Us

I've been doing some thinking this week after I noticed the scars on some of my friends knees from various surgeries they've had, but also as I'm reading Captivating by Jon & Stasi Eldredge with one of my friends (this is my 3rd time reading the book if that tells you how I feel about it..) However, I've never read it with another person before, and actually talking about the things - the wounds and scars of my heart and seeing how they shape me has been really powerful, and really challenging.

I think often times we are ashamed of our scars. We cover them up, and hope nobody notices - this is true for physical scars, but I think it can also stand true for the scars on our hearts - we bury it deep inside us, and hope that the wounds we've experienced haven't been noticed by others.

For many men and women in this world their scars come from men in their lives. The girl I'm reading this book with - most of her wounds come from her dad, or an ex-boyfriend. However, as we talk about it I realized that my wounds come more from women - my relationship with my mom has always been harder than my dad, I've felt more hurt by mom, in high school and middle school it was relationships with girls that caused me more damage and heart-break than a boyfriend.

Going into this semester, I was intimidated by my clinical instructor, who was a woman - as all my clinical instructors have been, however, she was training a new clinical instructor who was a guy and I was automatically more at ease with him than I ever initially was with my actual clinical instructor. I am more at ease around the men in my circle of friends - because I put into place self-protective measures from women. I'm afraid I'm going to get hurt again... Granted, I have this knowledge about myself, I have the power to work to overcome this fear. But it's a journey... and knowing why I do things the way I do them helps me to make sense of who I am.

Our scars - they're not something to be ashamed of, no. They are the experiences of life that make us who we are. They are our testimony. And in our testimony - there is power, and opportunity.

Reflect on your scars, re-open your wounds. It may hurt, but when we have the courage to do these things the Lord brings healing and enables His light to more fully shine through us. God can use your story and your scars to teach others about his love.

I just want to leave you with a verse that has brought me a lot of hope as I go through my journey of allowing the Lord to heal the wounds of my heart.

Take courage, healing is in store for you. Tobit 5:10 

Purify Our Hearts, O Lord

Luke 24:13-35 The road to Emmaus is the Gospel reading for today. Verse 32 says "were not our hearts burning within us." Referring to when Jesus was walking with the men, opening the scriptures for them.

I read a reflection on this today, where the author pointed out that when the hearts were burning within these men it was because in that moment their hearts were being purified.

Easter Octave is such a blessed time in the Church. Jesus is present to in a very special, particular, and real way in this time of His resurrection. He is with us in a very intimate way, and purifying us - teaching us more about Himself, now that the will of the Father is complete - He has conquered sin and death, it is a time of rejoicing.

Back in the beginning of the liturgical year, with Advent, I prayed the rosary every day for the intention of the Lord purifying my heart. Once more, this act - of the Lord purifying my heart - has come to the forefront of my prayer.

 "Behold, I make all things new." Rev 21:5

I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. Ezekiel 36:26

The Lord desires to know us more. He desires us as we are, and to make us wholly His own people. He wants to renew and refresh us this Easter season. He wants to purify our hearts.

In this time of Easter, I encourage you to seek the Lord because He is present to us in a very special way, this is a very blessed time in the Church, of much rejoicing, and there is a unique opportunity for us to encounter the healing joy and love and of the Lord. He wishes to set us free from those thing that tie us down, that keep us in bondage. He wishes to make us light of his truth and his love.

He makes himself known on the road to Emmaus at the end of the journey, in the breaking of the bread - the mass - Christ wants to make Himself known to us in the mass this Easter season and to purify our hearts, to purify our love for Him. Dwell in him as dwells in, abide with Him as he abides with you. When you receive Jesus body, blood, soul, and divinity you become a living tabernacle of the living God and carry Him with you wherever you go. Let that truth carry into the way you live your life!

Why Do We Love Beauty so Much?

I was praying my rosary in the chapel today after meeting with a friend. We're reading Captivating by Jon & Stasi Eldredge together, and the chapter we talked about today dealt with beauty, and I was struck by a couple things.

Sunrise

The book poses the question: what does woman teach about God?
One of the answers is beauty. Beauty is the essence of a woman; it is also the essence of God. Think about this world - we see beauty in nature - there is just something breath-taking about being in the woods, or on a mountain, or watching the sunrise over the ocean. One of my favorite life experiences was watching the sun rise over the ocean with two of my dearest and closest friends.  The picture doesn't do the beauty of the experience justice, but gives you an idea.
I often get restless and make a drive down to hocking hills hiking trails because I long to encounter the beauty of God in His creation.

Beauty does many things - it says all shall be well, it invites, it nourishes, it inspires, it comforts. But beauty is probably the most misunderstood aspect of woman, and of God. It is distorted by our world, ourselves, and the devil. The devil doesn't want us to know the Lord, and beauty is essential to who God is, of course he's going to distort beauty. Our world has different perceptions of beauty. As time goes on and cultures change, the definition of beauty changes. If we don't meet the standard of what is considered beautiful we try to change our bodies.

A friend of mine once said "well Joe (not actual name) said I looked beautiful with make-up on, but he's my boyfriend so he has to say that." So I asked one of my guy friends to explain to me why guys say a girl is beautiful without make-up because we all know make-up has the ability to make us look more attractive physically. And my friend said that when a woman isn't wearing make-up it allows a man to look beyond her exterior beauty and see the beauty of her and her soul, the beauty of her feminine heart (those weren't his words exactly).

Yet women constantly feel they don't measure up. We ask am I lovely? Am I worthy to be delighted in? Do I captivate you?

Most women doubt that they have any beauty to offer the world. So we are tired - women as a whole are tired and worn down because they are hiding from their fear they have nothing to offer this world.

In ministry, the classic,basic women's session is you are beautiful. And I can't tell you the number of times I found out beauty was the topic at hand and I was annoyed and frustrated - ughh I get it, I'm beautiful yada yada yada... 

However, I don't think we get it. If we did get it, leaders wouldn't feel the need to address this topic.
Beauty is the essence of who we are. We have to do nothing in order to be beautiful. In how God created us to be, we are beautiful. But we don't get it... we don't believe that truth. We question we doubt, we feel insecure. Our beauty is good. It does good things, it teaches the world about God.
Why do we live in a world obsessed with beauty? Because beauty is essential to who God is, and it is one of the ways God teaches his people about himself through women.

Therefore, my sisters, you are beautiful. Just as you are. You don't need to strive. By being who God created you to be, you will set the world on fire. Embrace the gifts, the beauty of your heart to offer beauty, comfort, inspiration to he world. In a world obsessed with beauty, don't be afraid to embrace your beauty!

"In each person there is an invaluable treasure, a facet of the face of Christ that can't be found in anyone else." 

-Fr. Michael Gaitley-

Talitha Koum

"Talitha koum, little girl I say to you arise." Mk 5:41

The other night I asked the Lord to show me that I am His beloved. I'd had a conversation with a friend, and realized that I wasn't dwelling in the Lord, I was claiming my identity as His beloved daughter. I needed him to remind me that I am his beloved. The gospel says ask, and you shall receive. 

Once I asked the Lord, He delivered. Mk 5:41 came to mind first. Rising out of darkness has been a theme for me in my Christian life. I don't know about you, but those last 2 weeks of February were ROUGH... I had a severe case of the February blues (as I'm going to call them). Not only in my mood, and my emotions, but also in my prayer. I wasn't listening very much. I did a lot of talking. I missed a day or two as well. It was rough goings. I'm convinced my conversation with my friend Thursday morning was divine intervention. 

As I started dwelling on what this phrase meant to me in this moment I was convicted the Lord
was...is calling me (and you) out of darkness. He is calling us out of self-deprecating thoughts. He is calling us to rise out of darkness, sullenness. He is calling us out of our feelings of inadequacy, depression, loneliness. He is calling us to rise to the life He offers us. He offers us light. He offers us life abundant, life everlasting. He wants to take what is dead in us and bring it to new life. He wants to restore us. 

As Christians, we are called to be a people of joy. Joy is not an emotion or feeling, however. It is a choice. It is a choice because it comes from knowing we are God's beloved children. It comes from finding our satisfaction and our fulfillment in the love of the Lord. Joy is a state of mind and an orientation of the heart. It is a settled state of contentment, confidence and hope (definition found here). 

Pope Francis kind of covers a lot of what I want to say, so I'm just going to quote him here: 

“God thinks of each of us and loves each of us. He ‘dreams’ about us. He dreams of how He will rejoice with us. That’s why the Lord wants to ‘re-create’ us, He wants to renew our hearts so that joy can triumph:

“Have you thought about it? The Lord dreams of me! He thinks of me! I am in the Lord’s mind and in His heart! The Lord can change my life! And he has many projects: ‘we will build houses and plant vineyards, we will share our meals’… these are the dreams of someone who is in love…. Thus we can see that the Lord is in love with his people. And when he says to his people: ‘I haven’t chosen you because you are the strongest, the biggest, the most powerful. I have chosen you because you are the smallest of them all. You could add: the most miserable. This is whom I have chosen’. This is love”.

God “is in love with us” – Francis repeated, as he commented on the Gospel reading that speaks of the miraculous healing of the son of a Royal official:

“I don’t think a theologian exists who can explain this: it is impossible to explain. We can only think about it, we can feel, we can cry with joy. The Lord can change us. ‘And what must I do?’ Believe. I must believe that the Lord can change me, that He has the power to do so: just like the man in the Gospel whose son was sick. ‘Sir, come down before my child dies’. ‘You may go (Jesus said to him). Your son will live!’ That man believed in the words of Jesus and had set off. He believed. He believed that Jesus had the power to change his child, the health of his child. And he won. To have faith is to make space for God’s love, to make space for his power, for God’s power. Not for the power of a powerful person, but for the power of one who loves me, who is in love with me and who wants to rejoice with me. This is faith. This is believing: making space for the Lord so that he can come and change me”.

This love, this joy that Pope Francis talks about - this abundant life I mentioned, is offered to each and every one of us. The Father is offering us His hand, little girl I say to you arise, He is offering to help us up. He is victorious. Because of the cross, we know the Lord has been victorious. Now we must take claim to that victory!