Remove the Root

When a weed grows in a garden, we want to remove it root and all. If we just cut it down, and leave the root, it will grow back. However, if we remove the weed, root included, it will no longer grow, ruining the garden.

This same concept applies in our lives, to our sinfulness, to our failures. A few Sundays ago the Gospel came from Jn 21:1-19. In this Gospel, Peter and the disciples had decided to go back fishing. They returned to an old way of life, the way they were before they knew Christ, before they knew truth, before they knew love. So often, especially in the early stages of conversion, we are tempted to do as these men did, to fall back to that old way of life. This is because there is still a root in our hearts, that spikes up and catches us, pulling us down again, killing our garden - and the beautiful flowers that have grown in our hearts, our souls.

A few weeks ago one of my friends called me, needing someone to talk to, to help her through a tough time. And a week later she called me again, feeling so much better than she had the previous time I talked to her. I have several friends who struggle with depression/anxiety in some form. This particular friend I have seen come farther than many of my other friends, in her struggle with this illness, and large reason for that is she went through counseling, where she sought to find the root of the problem, with a trained professional - who could help her seek healing in these problems. Through the help of her counselor, she did discover the root of her pain, and has been much more peaceful, even just knowing where this originated from. And she is also able to take steps to heal, and mend relationships where they may need mended.

This friend pointed out a parallel to me. In Jn 18 Peter denies Jesus three times - and they are standing before a fire warming themselves. In Jn 21 Jesus asks Peter if he loves him three time - just as Peter denied him three times - and again he is before a charcoal.
Jesus takes us to the roots, to a place familiar, to where the sin, the failure occurred. Peter denied Jesus before a charcoal fire. Jesus asks Jesus if he loves him before a charcoal fire. They go to where the failure initially took place.

You see, Peter failed. The one who was the rock of the Church - he failed, many times. As do we.
Day in and day out we fail. We fail to love, we are selfish, we hurt others, we deny Jesus' love. The rock of the Church failed, how can we be expected not to?

We are expected to fail. Jesus knows this. Original sin is a reason for this. Therefore, we must seek the mercy of Christ. We must seek his love, his kindness, his forgiveness. He wants to resolve our problems. He wants to make us whole. He wants to heal us.

My dear friends, do not be afraid to turn to Jesus and go those places that keep you from knowing his love. Give him every bit of your heart. Maybe there was an experience your life that took away your dignity - I once heard a man talk who had essentially been molested as a child and he thought he could never be loved, and that Christ could never forgive him. It tore this man apart, and lead him into more sin in his life - though he had been an innocent little boy, and this did not happen to him by his own choice. He shut this memory off, and locked it away. It was not until he brought this to Christ and sought Christ in this that he could start to come out of the sin he had gotten into because this sin - the molestation as a child - lead him to greater sin and he had to back to the root, the source of hurt in order to be healed.


Go to Jesus and take him your wounds, your hurts, especially those that you have hidden away and not wanted anyone to know of. Jesus knows of them anyway because he knows all. He wants to heal you, and in his mercy, he is waiting on you to run into his open arms of mercy.

He Entered Willingly

Today at mass I was convicted to tell the Lord I love him. So as the priest was preparing the Eucharist I was gazing at the crucifix, and just saying "Jesus, I love you" Then I focused in on what the priest said where he says "Jesus entered willingly into his passion death" willingly - willingly. Jesus willingly enters into the passion and death - the way of the cross. He chooses to do this - to suffer, to become man

Have among yourselves the same attitude that is also yours in Christ Jesus, Who, though he was in the form of God, did not regard equality with God something to be grasped. Rather, he emptied himself, taking the form of a slave, coming in human likeness; and found human in appearance, he humbled himself, becoming obedient to death, even death on a cross. Phil 2:5-6 

Jesus willingly chose to do all of this simply because He loves us. He loves us so so much - and this is why we can now, this Easter season, rejoice in the Resurrection of Christ. He died, choosing this to be the way of salvation - as the Father had determined at creation. 

This Easter season, may we remember why we have the ability to rejoice - and may we further come to know the depth of Christ love for us!

Monday Memo

"Many people mistake our work for our vocation. Our vocation is the love of Jesus." - Mother Teresa

Am I Missing Jesus?

Mary Magdalene stayed outside the tomb weeping.

And as she wept, she bent over into the tomb
and saw two angels in white sitting there,
one at the head and one at the feet
where the Body of Jesus had been.
And they said to her, “Woman, why are you weeping?”
She said to them, “They have taken my Lord,
and I don’t know where they laid him.”
When she had said this, she turned around and saw Jesus there,
but did not know it was Jesus.
Jn 20:11-14


I read this Tuesday before mass, as it was the Gospel reading, and thought to myself, how often do I weep, wondering where Jesus is?

I look back on the last 6 months of my life. I started having daily headaches, failed a class, retook the class, withdrew from full time classes, had my heart broke, started physical therapy, and I remember so many times thinking to myself, woe is me. Why must I have this suffering? Why am I going through all these things? Why am I suffering? What did I do to deserve this? Woe is me, woe is me, woe is me. Why did God let this happen to me? wait. stop. Why did God let this happen? God was there, knowing what I was going through, knowing the challenges I was having, he was there. But I did not see him. I did not know his presence. Sure, there were moments where I would look at the cross, and say "none of this matters because Christ's love surpasses all" but those were few and far between. More often, it was why am I being asked to suffer in this way? Why is this happening to me? I can't do this anymore, I can't bear this cross. My suffering limit has been exceeded. 

I felt all these things because I was missing God, right there with me - in my emptiness, in my pain. Just as Mary Magdalene did in this Gospel - why are you weeping my daughter? 'Because my Lord has been taken, and I do not know where he is' -yet he was standing right next to her. He was right there the whole time. 

Our lives will always be filled with trials, and tribulations. Through our journey, we will learn it is a joy to suffer for Christ, but will we continue to overlook him, and his presence with us, a-midst the depth of our suffering, or will we see how our suffering can be used for the salvation of souls?

I challenge you, and myself, to ask am I missing Jesus' presence in my life? Am I overlooking him, when he is standing there next to me?

I look back on the last six months, and remember all the times where it felt life would never get back to normal, and I was going to miserable forever. I thought that the suffering would never end. I doubted that Jesus would carry me through. However, just in time for Easter, the Lord has provided for me everything I needed. The healing I needed, the job I needed - all that was lacking he provided. Where there was hurting, he healed. In the moment, I did not see Christ present with me, but looking back now, I can see where he was, and how He was working. I can only hope to do better at seeing his light the next time I am given a cross to bear - to his presence, to see him walking alongside me, helping me with the cross given to me by the Father. 

Washing of Feet

Well, there a six minutes left of Holy Thursday, as I sit to write this post. Tonight I went to mass where I normally wouldn't go because we went as a house, to build community together, and it was one of the best experiences I have ever had. On Holy Thursday, when you attend mass, twelve people have their feet washed by the priest, to signify Jesus washing the disciple's feet. Today, the priest washed the feet of the twelve, and then proceeded to wash the feet of those around them and each person had their feet washed by someone, and washed someone else's feet. It was an amazing experience to wash the feet of my housemate and have my feet washed by a different housemate. It truly signified how we serve one another.

Will you let me be your servant, let me be as Christ to you?
Pray that I might have the grace to let you be my servant, too.
  (Lyrics from one of the hymns we sang during the washing of the feet)

These words really struck me tonight. Will you let me be your servant, let me be Christ to you. In the Gospel today Peter did not want Jesus to wash his feet. He probably did not feel worthy to receive this gift of service from the man who would be the Savior. I would not have wanted Jesus to wash my feet either - but tonight he did, through my sister, but really it was Jesus washing my feet. How beautiful, to allow others to serve us. 

In the past week, much weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I found a job in a hospital, and got hired, I found out I'm nearly finished with my physical therapy treatment for my headaches, and have been lifted from the suffering I was enduring in the form of headaches. It seemed as if Christ was giving me an Easter joy before it was due - and only in the final days of lent. But then I realized, I can only have this joy because of the price that Christ paid - because of his suffering and death on the cross, am I able to experience the joy of the resurrection. Only because Jesus loved me - He paid the price I could not pay because my sin was so great, because He loved me, and wants to be with me. He gave me a taste of the joy of Easter just before the annual remembrance of the Passion so that my eyes may be opened to see why He endured the suffering He did - to be able to give me this joy. 

Our God is a god of love, of mercy, of goodness, and of kindness. He came not just to be served, but to serve - to offer his life, and his love as sacrifice for us, so that we may be able to enter into the eternal kingdom. Praise him. 

Love Part 3: Desire for Love

"I just want to love and be loved in return"
I so often find myself thinking this, and saying it. I just want to feel loved, and ultimately in the desire to receive love we also desire to give love. This week I have been feeling particulars lonely, so I started thinking about this and then it flooded over into my prayer as well.

I ended up pulling out the catechism as I continued to think on this. You see, this week I realized how it is a challenge for me to accept that people love me. It is a challenge for me to believe that I am capable of being loved. In doubting and questioning this love, I am doubting and questioning God's ability to love me. I told one of my friends this and she began to tell me how I am God's beloved, his little girl. Then Thursday night I was at an ever where we had talks from seminarians about being sons and daughters of God. Again, I was struck and it was clear God was trying to reveal to me how I am his beloved daughter. He was revealing to me how pride, how sin, how lies were beginning to put distance between me and him.
All week a part of the catechism has been coming to mind, so now I'm going to share it with you -

27 The desire for God is written in the human heart, because man is created by God and for God; and God never ceases to draw man to himself. Only in God will he find the truth and happiness he never stops searching for:
The dignity of man rests above all on the fact that he is called to communion with God. This invitation to converse with God is addressed to man as soon as he comes into being. For if man exists it is because God has created him through love, and through love continues to hold him in existence. He cannot live fully according to truth unless he freely acknowledges that love and entrusts himself to his creator.

While looking for the section above I discovered this as well - 1 God, infinitely perfect and blessed in himself, in a plan of sheer goodness freely created man to make him share in his own blessed life. For this reason, at every time and in every place, God draws close to man. He calls man to seek him, to know him, to love him with all his strength.

So God, in his goodness created us to love and be loved. He created us for love, in love, through love. It is the ultimate source of our existence. We must hold onto this truth, and live it out - knowing and trusting in God's infinitely perfect plan, and knowing that he has destined for love. Of course we are going to have days, and even weeks when we feel lonely that is a challenge we are being given, a challenge to continue seeking the Lord even when it may be hard, even when we may not want to - know that it is how God made you - and know that it is The Lord who will satisfy that desire you have to love and be loved. We are Christ's beloved children, and we must hold onto this truth in all circumstances.

Love Part 2: Doubt

On the way to mass today I was reflecting on why I am having -- always have, a hard time accepting that I am not a burden to those around me and I don't bother them. In this reflection I came to realize that I believe I am unlovable - incapable of being loved. I doubt God can possibly love me; therefore, I of course doubt that others can love me.

I entered the church, to pray before mass, with these thoughts on my heart. I started praying the stations of the cross, as I have been every day for lent, and the third station stopped me today. 

                         The third station of the cross: Jesus falls the first time. 

                                       "Lord Jesus, the weight of the cross made you fall to the ground. The weight our sin, the weight of our pride brought you down." (Prayer from the 3rd station)

Yes, the cross was heavy, but it was not the weight of the cross alone. The cross is composed of my sin, my doubt, my despair, my failures. It was my doubt in Jesus' ability to love me that I caused him to fall my doubt that he did this - died on the cross - simply because he loved me. He took on all this suffering so that I may one day have eternal life. 

In my journey with love so far this lent, I have seen there is a need to grow in love of myself, love of God, and love of others. Something I really struggle with is accepting love from others. I have this friend who continues to love me, and put up with rants and antics, and I'm constantly asking them why do you care? Why do you put up with me? Am I burden to you? Don't you find me annoying? 

 I'm doubting that they love me, that they are capable of caring for me. I do this with all the people in my life, but with some people it's more prominent because I feel like they shouldn't care for me or love me. I do this with Jesus, as I stated earlier, and because I do this - my relationship with Jesus and with others is not what it could be. 

Then again, we must remember that none of us are perfect, and this, I'm sure, will continue to be a challenge of mine throughout my life. However, there is hope - as we struggle, and as we doubt the love God, and others, has for us. There is hope in that Jesus not only died, but he resurrected. He rose from the empty, and ascended to heaven. He won the victory, we must simply seek out our Lord, and he will give us the grace to begin to accept the love he wishes to give us. 

"As the deer longs for streams of living water, so my soul thirsts for you, O God. My being thirsts for God the living God.." Psalm 42:2-3

"Look at His adorable face.
Look at His glazed and sunken eyes.
Look at His wounds.
Look Jesus in the Face.
There, you will see how He loves us."
-St. Therese of Lisieux