June proved to be the hardest month for my prayer life. I often spent my prayer time whining to God, complaining, being mad, and desperately grasping for control in this area of my life (that is my desire for relationship). It got to a point one day where I was ready to be done - done fighting, done trying and just so frustrated.... and I decided to pray my rosary, as I had started doing every day while putting the baby I care for as a summer job down for his nap. I prayed this rosary in a spirit of surrender in a mindset of 'God, I want to give up, so this is all I've got to give you' and I asked Mary to help me, to bring me back, to help me stop feeling this way. She answered my prayer one-hundred percent and then some.
After I finished my rosary I decided to read the daily readings (just kind of a habit of mine) and the first reading was from Genesis where Jacob wrestles with God. This reading reminded me of something from the beginning of the summer where it came about that the Lord wanted us to wrestle with our desires this summer. Shooooot - well, I did some wrestling then, but when it stopped the Lord has been nothing but good to me (not that he has ever been anything other than good to me!).
After I had this realization I texted one of my sisters to process with her what the Lord was doing and how he was working. And her response was the title of this post - bind my wandering heart to Thee, O Lord. So often our hearts wander to everything other than God to be satisfied. I was convinced I would be satisfied only with a relationship. I desire these things, but rather than surrendering these desires to the Lord, I was hoarding them for myself.
That same day I was scrolling through facebook and stumbled upon this quote It is well to choose some one good devotion, and to stick to it, and never to abandon it. -St. Philip Neri
Which was perfect because ever since I first started trying to pray I have been praying the rosary! How good the Lord is to us! All the pieces started to fall into place, and since that day I have been working to keep up a daily rosary, continuing to ask the Blessed Mother's intercession and giving her my desire for my vocation. There will be more to come on what the Lord has been doing with my prayer.
Stick to those devotions that first brought you to the Lord. Know the Lord is trustworthy and has a perfect plan for your life. Never cease to seek Him, and remember to continually surrender your desires, hopes, and dreams to him.
Take Lord, and receive all my liberty, my memory, my understanding, and my entire will, all that I have and possess. Thou hast given all to me. To Thee, O lord, I return it. All is Thine, dispose of it wholly according to Thy will. Give me Thy love and thy grace, for this is sufficient for me.
Ignatius Loyola
