Washing of Feet

Well, there a six minutes left of Holy Thursday, as I sit to write this post. Tonight I went to mass where I normally wouldn't go because we went as a house, to build community together, and it was one of the best experiences I have ever had. On Holy Thursday, when you attend mass, twelve people have their feet washed by the priest, to signify Jesus washing the disciple's feet. Today, the priest washed the feet of the twelve, and then proceeded to wash the feet of those around them and each person had their feet washed by someone, and washed someone else's feet. It was an amazing experience to wash the feet of my housemate and have my feet washed by a different housemate. It truly signified how we serve one another.

Will you let me be your servant, let me be as Christ to you?
Pray that I might have the grace to let you be my servant, too.
  (Lyrics from one of the hymns we sang during the washing of the feet)

These words really struck me tonight. Will you let me be your servant, let me be Christ to you. In the Gospel today Peter did not want Jesus to wash his feet. He probably did not feel worthy to receive this gift of service from the man who would be the Savior. I would not have wanted Jesus to wash my feet either - but tonight he did, through my sister, but really it was Jesus washing my feet. How beautiful, to allow others to serve us. 

In the past week, much weight has been lifted from my shoulders. I found a job in a hospital, and got hired, I found out I'm nearly finished with my physical therapy treatment for my headaches, and have been lifted from the suffering I was enduring in the form of headaches. It seemed as if Christ was giving me an Easter joy before it was due - and only in the final days of lent. But then I realized, I can only have this joy because of the price that Christ paid - because of his suffering and death on the cross, am I able to experience the joy of the resurrection. Only because Jesus loved me - He paid the price I could not pay because my sin was so great, because He loved me, and wants to be with me. He gave me a taste of the joy of Easter just before the annual remembrance of the Passion so that my eyes may be opened to see why He endured the suffering He did - to be able to give me this joy. 

Our God is a god of love, of mercy, of goodness, and of kindness. He came not just to be served, but to serve - to offer his life, and his love as sacrifice for us, so that we may be able to enter into the eternal kingdom. Praise him. 

Love Part 3: Desire for Love

"I just want to love and be loved in return"
I so often find myself thinking this, and saying it. I just want to feel loved, and ultimately in the desire to receive love we also desire to give love. This week I have been feeling particulars lonely, so I started thinking about this and then it flooded over into my prayer as well.

I ended up pulling out the catechism as I continued to think on this. You see, this week I realized how it is a challenge for me to accept that people love me. It is a challenge for me to believe that I am capable of being loved. In doubting and questioning this love, I am doubting and questioning God's ability to love me. I told one of my friends this and she began to tell me how I am God's beloved, his little girl. Then Thursday night I was at an ever where we had talks from seminarians about being sons and daughters of God. Again, I was struck and it was clear God was trying to reveal to me how I am his beloved daughter. He was revealing to me how pride, how sin, how lies were beginning to put distance between me and him.
All week a part of the catechism has been coming to mind, so now I'm going to share it with you -

27 The desire for God is written in the human heart, because man is created by God and for God; and God never ceases to draw man to himself. Only in God will he find the truth and happiness he never stops searching for:
The dignity of man rests above all on the fact that he is called to communion with God. This invitation to converse with God is addressed to man as soon as he comes into being. For if man exists it is because God has created him through love, and through love continues to hold him in existence. He cannot live fully according to truth unless he freely acknowledges that love and entrusts himself to his creator.

While looking for the section above I discovered this as well - 1 God, infinitely perfect and blessed in himself, in a plan of sheer goodness freely created man to make him share in his own blessed life. For this reason, at every time and in every place, God draws close to man. He calls man to seek him, to know him, to love him with all his strength.

So God, in his goodness created us to love and be loved. He created us for love, in love, through love. It is the ultimate source of our existence. We must hold onto this truth, and live it out - knowing and trusting in God's infinitely perfect plan, and knowing that he has destined for love. Of course we are going to have days, and even weeks when we feel lonely that is a challenge we are being given, a challenge to continue seeking the Lord even when it may be hard, even when we may not want to - know that it is how God made you - and know that it is The Lord who will satisfy that desire you have to love and be loved. We are Christ's beloved children, and we must hold onto this truth in all circumstances.

Love Part 2: Doubt

On the way to mass today I was reflecting on why I am having -- always have, a hard time accepting that I am not a burden to those around me and I don't bother them. In this reflection I came to realize that I believe I am unlovable - incapable of being loved. I doubt God can possibly love me; therefore, I of course doubt that others can love me.

I entered the church, to pray before mass, with these thoughts on my heart. I started praying the stations of the cross, as I have been every day for lent, and the third station stopped me today. 

                         The third station of the cross: Jesus falls the first time. 

                                       "Lord Jesus, the weight of the cross made you fall to the ground. The weight our sin, the weight of our pride brought you down." (Prayer from the 3rd station)

Yes, the cross was heavy, but it was not the weight of the cross alone. The cross is composed of my sin, my doubt, my despair, my failures. It was my doubt in Jesus' ability to love me that I caused him to fall my doubt that he did this - died on the cross - simply because he loved me. He took on all this suffering so that I may one day have eternal life. 

In my journey with love so far this lent, I have seen there is a need to grow in love of myself, love of God, and love of others. Something I really struggle with is accepting love from others. I have this friend who continues to love me, and put up with rants and antics, and I'm constantly asking them why do you care? Why do you put up with me? Am I burden to you? Don't you find me annoying? 

 I'm doubting that they love me, that they are capable of caring for me. I do this with all the people in my life, but with some people it's more prominent because I feel like they shouldn't care for me or love me. I do this with Jesus, as I stated earlier, and because I do this - my relationship with Jesus and with others is not what it could be. 

Then again, we must remember that none of us are perfect, and this, I'm sure, will continue to be a challenge of mine throughout my life. However, there is hope - as we struggle, and as we doubt the love God, and others, has for us. There is hope in that Jesus not only died, but he resurrected. He rose from the empty, and ascended to heaven. He won the victory, we must simply seek out our Lord, and he will give us the grace to begin to accept the love he wishes to give us. 

"As the deer longs for streams of living water, so my soul thirsts for you, O God. My being thirsts for God the living God.." Psalm 42:2-3

"Look at His adorable face.
Look at His glazed and sunken eyes.
Look at His wounds.
Look Jesus in the Face.
There, you will see how He loves us."
-St. Therese of Lisieux